"Hey Urist! We got the arena built! Now we watch the fights!" "Fights? What fights? Nobody signed up!" "Oh don't worry about that! The suggestion box had precisely one submission. We will use that as our inaugural event!"
"This better be good..." the irritable dwarf grumbled as he unfolded the lone suggestion:
Two drunken hobos!
TWO BUMS ENTER, ONE BUM LEAVES!
"Oh you gotta be kidding me."
And lo! the very first encounter within the soon to be (maybe?) illustrious Bay12 Colosseum ended up being the latest installment of Bumfights.
Bum #1 was casually panhandling on the local street corner, tryin to stock up on some local currency for some local booze before he was rudely taken off the streets by hooded goons and taken to the great arena. [2] Boxed wine flowed through this bum's thick veins like water in the Nile. This poor fella had no idea where he was nor what he was doing. The spotlights were blinding! And everything was spinning too! <Status: Blackout Drunk>
"This guy can barely stand!" "So?" "Should we give him a weapon or something?" [6] "Hey, give him one of those chainsaws." "Yeah, the guy will be fine" <Equipped: Chainsaw>
Bum #2 was 'retrieved' from behind the neighborhood Denny's to the Bay 12 Colosseum and was compelled to fight his fellow ne'er-do-well for mercurial entertainment of random people. [1] In some cruel twist of fate, Bum #2 is somehow even more intoxicated than Bum #1, having polished off a nice bottle of paint thinner right before being picked up by the goon squad. Bum #2 stares vacantly before vomiting on himself. <Status: Incoherent Stupor, Vomiting>
'Weapon for this one?" "I'm not going near him." [6] "Stop whining and get this one a chainsaw also!" Unimportant Assistant forces a chainsaw into the grimy hands of Bum #2. <Equipped: Chainsaw>
The roar of maybe 20 or so spectators is quickly drowned out by the screeching of chainsaws, punctuated with the occasional retching. Due to the powers of PLOT, the bums shuffle towards each other. There is only one goal: KILL.
TWO BUMS ENTER, ONE BUM LEAVES!
[4,2] Bum #1 stumbles closer to Bum #2, who's still trying to recover from the flow of vomit that just won't stop. [2] Bum #1 hold up the chainsaw above his head. Or at least he attempts to! The power tool feels oh so heavy in his hands. After a little bit, he lowers the weapon to catch his breath and get his footing. [4] Bum #2 violently spews liquid chunks directly in front of him and onto Bum #1. Bo' Rai Cho would be proud! Limited comprehension of, well, anything begins to slowly return to Bum #2 as he involuntarily purges himself[5] Bum #1 remains awfully collected despite being covered in projectile vomit. His mind must be elsewhere. [5,4] A crazy look comes across Bum #1 as he charges towards Bum #2! [2] Bum #1 steps into a fresh puddle of vomit and loses his step [5] but remains standing. [4] Bum #2 comes to the conclusion that he sorta needs to gift the live chainsaw he's holding into the chest of Bum#1 before his appointment expires. [2,3] The bum misses the other, the alcohol no doubt causing him to see double! [1,3] [5,1] Bum #2 spins around a takes another swing! The chainsaw makes contact with Bum #1's neck and flesh is torn into pieces! The poor vagrant's head plops down onto the ground with a dull thud as blood mixes with vomit.
WINNER! NONSPECIFIC BUM #2"Well that was pointless." "Does everything in life need a point?" "Eh, whatever. Go get the suggestion box. We got another show coming up."
Urist McPromotor unraveled the next suggested battle and took a gander:
I WANT TO SEE DONKEY KONG FIGHT ROBOCOP
He crumpled up the paper and sighed.
"Pointless"
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Topic: The Bay 12 Collosseum (Read 444 times)