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[ReazebKor]

Many times people do stuck because of helping others. I'm thinking about how to make a personality that can easily help you reject the help proposals.

Is it any simple steps to say "No" to others? Sometimes, saying "Sure, I'll help you" put you into trouble.

[Trapezohedron_]

Worked a bit. It's hard to say no, but I've paid the price multiple times at work.

But yes, you can help yourself a bit by trying to catch yourself before you say yes, and ask yourself, even if it takes you forever and leaves an awkward dead air, if it's something you want to do.

Not all help is helpful either, to you or to the other person. Some people are looking to ask for help to escape their predicament. Ask if it's a just escape, or an actual cry for help.

Instead of saying yes, maybe learn how to say I'll think about it and I'll get back to you. Worked a bit better for me so far.

[EuchreJack]

Hm, perhaps some mantras would help?

• No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
• A Fool and Their Money are Soon Parted
• Give a Man a Fish and They Eat For a Day. Teach a Man to Fish and They Eat Every Day.
• God Helps Those Who Help Themselves
• If You Do Not Take Care of Yourself Today, You Will Not be Around to Help Anyone Tomorrow

[nenjin]

6. Dead Rogues Deal No DPS.

[Shazial]

Saying "No" can be really difficult, especially with people that are close to you. Many internal factors can facilitate the need to agree to help others, and one important step in saying "No" is to practice saying it, and to figure out why are you saying "Yes" to things in the first place. Are you looking for acceptance? Are you afraid how people react if you say "No"? Recognize it, and start building away from it. Rather than making a separate mask or personality, think about integrating and making saying "No" a part of you. Internalize it, and give yourself reasons to say "No", and it'll get easier over time. Start from small things, and use successful negated situations as building blocks for your confidence. Instill a feeling of healthy selfishness into yourself and hold onto your rights and boundaries. Don't look for excuses to say "No". Just say it. Once it's out, it's easier to direct the situation to the direction you want it to go.

"I don't need to justify myself."
"I won't lose anything by saying No."
"I'm more comfortable not doing this."
"I'm taking care of myself."
"I'm not a bad person."

And if you can't deny them outright, stall. Ask for time to consider. Say you cannot promise anything right now.

[EuchreJack]

7. If someone needs an answer immediately, that answer is NO.

[anewaname]

Other people's problems are like velcro and best kept at a distance from you.

Give the person your immediate and complete attention. Do not respond to any cues to move or look at items they have. Keep your eyes on them but keep your mind on both them and on the problem. Question every piece of data they give and ask for data they did not give you. If it is someone you care about, make sure they feel those emotions from you. If it is someone you care about and you cannot immediately assist, schedule time with them and be there for them.

Your assessment should provide an estimate of how much effort/time/expense the problem will cost you and if they are being deceitful, lazy, or ignorant. Ignorant could be "simply does not know yet" and deceitful can include your mother or your kid lying because they want to spend time with you, lazy can be that person at work who wants you to do a job so they can get credit.

If they are not capable of solving their problem, they do not get to be in charge of using you to solve their problem.

[nenjin]

Also, one way to identify manipulation is......ask "What have you done for me lately?"

It comes off as a dickish response to some people. But if people are guilting you into helping them, asking that question can immediately recontextualize the way you interact. Suddenly you have a backbone and are evaluating the balance of friendship/family/work. People that are manipulating you into doing what they want often don't have a response to this, or their response demonstrates the way they see your relationship. (Parents: I raised you. Friends: I did X thing for you once. Coworkers: I'm actually your boss.) What it really does is send the signal that you ARE paying attention and you ARE keeping a running balance. Honest people will go "you know, there is an imbalance here and you're right." Dishonest people will find any way to justify maintaining the imbalance.

[EuchreJack]

Eh, I don't buy into the whole "you help people because they helped you, etc"
I more believe that the good deeds we do should exceed the good deeds that we've benefited from in the aggregate.
So helping one person more and receiving more help from someone else still balances out.

Learning to tell people to Fuck Off helps too.  And I mean those exact words.  Sometimes niceness doesn't work, although harshness shouldn't be the first response.

[nenjin]

Eh, I don't buy into the whole "you help people because they helped you, etc"

Neither do I. But when you're dealing with someone that uses you, that question immediately makes them realize that there is a balance to be maintained.

Or to put it another way: if people think they're entitled to your help, then by extension, you're entitled to their's.

[anewaname]

@EuchreJack _*
nenjin's context was "one way to identify manipulation is...." and his method is a useful one, for the reasons he posted.

Manipulators see the exchange between you and them as a transaction where they are attempting to get more than they give. If they could, they would get everything for free.

What you are describing is "passing it forward". Manipulators do not "pass it forward" unless they see greater value for them in the exchange.

_* posted too late, but not going to rewrite it....

[EuchreJack]

Or to put it another way: if people think they're entitled to your help, then by extension, you're entitled to their's.

I like this. Very good point, well worded.

[EuchreJack]

If you keep fucking up so bad (either accidentally or intentionally), people will learn to stop relying on your help or asking you for things, the bad side effects are that they'll also leave you behind as they realise you are of no use to them.

This is actually a viable tactic.  If you realize you've gotten conned into agreeing to do more !!FREE!! work that you are inclined to do, just flake out.
"But EJ, MY WORD OF HONOR!"
...is wasted upon swine.  You can't fire a volunteer, no matter how much people trying to convince you that they can.

[I4uU4me]

I had troubles after helping somebody so many times. The relationships spoiled, people became brazen, they demanded more and more "help" (to solve their problems instead of them) and when I finally managed to say "no", I became the worst person in the world in their eyes. Then I bailed on helping everybody and bailed on their attitude to me. I started helping those who are really in trouble and have no other options. The world became a better place))

I think many people use the word "help" in order to manipulate those who are kind-hearted and a bit naive. So it's necessary to understand first, if the person is really in trouble or just wishing to turn you into a slave. A clear and confident "no" for manipulators is usually enough.

[MusicMagician]

For the same reason, I think it's better to stay true to only your closest friends who won't betray you. Just try to not screw up things too bad. And I'm also someone without actual contact from nearby friends... I don't even remember where are the locations of my former schoolmates now, but they're now graduated, just like I am.