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[KenboCalrissian]

9 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer
=============

The party settled in for the third shift of their rest.  The fight during the previous watch was brief, but still served as a reminder of the threat that lie just outside.  Zumies, Erky, Meepo, and ratNAROk stayed up for the final watch, vigilant and alert for any danger.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Erky sat with his back to the door, keeping an ear out for trouble, while everybody else grew bored of guard duty.  Zumies started appraising all the jewelry he'd collected thus far.  Meepo couldn't keep his eyes open and dozed off.  ratNAROk brushed off a mud smear (right ear) and twiddled his paws.

"Hey Zumies," said ratNAROk, "You got a marker?"

"A marker?" Zumies raised an eyebrow.  "I got an oil marker in my thief's kit."

"Oil?  Even better!" ratNAROk rubbed his paws together gleefully.  "Wouldn't it be really funny if we dipped Space Pants's tail in oil and set it on fire?"

"It probably would be funny," said Zumies with a grin.  "I would think he's had it comin'."

Erky's eyes lit up.  "Oh, I wouldn't see anything.  I'm doing my job of keeping lookout, I'm not paying any attention to what you're doing," the gnome said with a wink.

"Oh, I know you won't!" ratNAROk bumps fists with Erky.

"I am a cat, and I am awake," said Space Pants.  "I hear you talkin' about me."

"No you're not," says ratNAROk.  "We weren't talking about you, nuh-uh.  We were talking about... Zumies."

"...Yeah," said Zumies, the half-elf, "we were talking about my tail.  Go back to sleep!"

"I'm a cat," reiterated Space Pants, "this is my time to do cat things.  It's kinda my whole thing."

"No it's not, go back to sleep!" said ratNAROk.  "Erky, hit him with that spray!"

"Gladly!" Erky squirted Space Pants with the Command spray.  "Sleep!"

"That's not how that works!" said Space Pants, batting away the mist.  "Here, I'll show you how it's done."

Space Pants wove some aberrant syllables together into a hideous incantation.  Though it seemed the felis was casting a spell on Erky, at the last second he turned around and targeted Zumies.  A twisted crown of jagged iron appeared on the rogue's head.  Despite being half-elven, the cat's magic was powerful enough to overcome Zumies's will.

"What the-- yargh!!"

Erky whirled his head around in time to see Zumies throwing a punch at him.  The gnome cleric/barbarian dodged backwards, throwing his full weight squarely into the door, knocking it open.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Art by @KenboCalrissian

Bright bluish-green light shined through the open doorway, illuminated by a brilliant flame-like energy floating over the tip of a short sword.  The sword - a rather unusual design - swung around to shine its light on Erky, revealing the features of its wielder. 

A burly badger-man, with broad shoulders, a simple tunic over a chain shirt, and carrying a bag slung over his shoulder and a strange device on his belt, had been picking over the bodies of the slain goblins.  He stood as tall as a human, and his hands ended in vicious claws, suitable whether for digging or for a fight.  Startled by the door crashing open, his first instinct was to defend himself, but when he saw the room was full of adventurers - the very adventurers he had heard about from the kobolds upstairs, most likely - he immediately calmed down, his face settling to a friendlier expression in a moment.

"Oh!" the badger-man lowered his blade, but kept it in front of him, holding it like a torch.  "Oh, uhh... Good, or bad?"

Erky rolled over and began climbing to his feet.  Before he could reply, however, Space Pants intervened by shouting, "Look, look!  Zumies has gone flippin' crazy, and he's-- haha!" The cat couldn't help but laugh at himself. "--he's attacking Erky!  Everybody wake up!"

"Argh, one of these days, cat..." Erky stood up, brushed himself off, and responded gruffly.  "We should be asking you that question, sir.  I've not seen a people such as yourself before.  Who are you?"

The badger looked on as the people in the bunk room clambered over themselves.  He wasn't sure what to make of these adventurers, but ultimately, it didn't matter too much - so long as he could gain a few customers. 

"Ah, yes, of course.  My name's Zeke.  Zeke Barrens, nice to meetcha!  I'm a traveling merchant.  I go around scavenging places for loot and sell it!  You guys interested in seeing what I've got?"

Meepo squinted his eyes and shook his head.  Something about the badger fighter/rogue seemed awfully familiar to him, but he couldn't place it.  Drowsy, the kobold laid his head back down and tried to go back to sleep.

"Ask him if he's got any catnip!" Space Pants called from within the room.  "Erky!  Ask him if he has catnip!"

"I do have catnip!" the badger exclaimed.  "I can hook you up.  Have you ever tried 'Salsa Verde?'"

"...Prob-- probably," said Space Pants.  "How much do ya got?"

"Here, why don't we step into my shop?"

Zeke took a step back, then reached for the odd device on his belt.  The device was hexagonally-shaped, had a metal casing, and a glass display on the front, with symbols and characters no one in the party had ever seen before.  Zeke tapped on the screen, and a beam shot out of it, projecting a hole onto the floor, complete with a mesmerizing light-up sign.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Come on in!"  With that, Zeke jumped down into the hole, passing through easily.

"Let's jump right in!" ratNAROk hopped into the hole without a second's thought.

"So, to be clear..." said Space Pants, ruminating.  "I'm just gonna point the facts out to everyone.  A badger just showed up at random, told me that he has catnip - which nobody ever has, ever - and now he's tellin' us all to jump into his hole."

"It's called a 'sett,'" said Edward.  "I don't know about you, but I'm staying put and finishing my rest.  I've got one more spell in me unless I get my beauty sleep."

"Likewise," grumbled Meepo.

Zeke poked his head up out of the hole.  "I heard you, and I've got plenty of room in here if you want to sit and rest.  I've got a fire, some stuff to eat, a nice, cozy common area.  Up to you!"  He ducked back down into the hole.

Edward groaned.  "Do we really want to trust a badger we just met in the basement of a dungeon and jump into a hole he just pulled out of nowhere?"

"He said he's got food," said Zumies.  "Maybe he has ice cream."  Zumies jumped down into the hole.

"...Ice cream??" Edward was surprised.  "Are you secretly a noble, or do you just have really extravagant taste?"

"He's wearing half the jewelry we've found since we got here," said Space Pants.  "You tell me.  Either way, let's follow the rat."

"He's a skunk," said Meepo, still with his eyes closed.

"I meant our rat, ratNAROk.  But yeah, him too."

ratNAROk, Zumies, Bubb, and Erky climbed down into the hole.  The entrance lead to a ten-foot wide hallway of solid dirt.  Claw marks along the walls gave evidence that the tunnel was dug out by hand - or, rather, by burrowing claws.  A few roots stuck out from a wall just ahead, likely from some tree above.  Just ahead, the badger man waved them in as he himself disappeared through a ramshackle door at the end of the hall.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Art by @shiny_tuka

Through the door, the tunnel gave way to an expansive space, seven feet high all around, illuminated by a bonfire set south-east of center of the room.  Zeke was already at the fire, sitting on a log, roasting some type of meat.  "Make yourselves at home!  Sorry about the goblin bodies, ah... They weren't exactly keen on doing fair business, if you catch my meaning.  If you need any arrows, you can pull them out of the wall back there.  Had to do lots of running to get out of that scrape..." 

"Wow, you've got a lot of room in here!" said Zumies.

"Yeah," Zeke said, mildly boastful.  "I dug it out myself.  I've had a lot of time since I retired adventuring.  Needed a base-- er, place to stay.  Well... yeah, a base."  Zeke took a bite of meat, then withdrew a strange, rectangular device from his pocket.  As he looked into the device, he tapped it, and the side facing him lit up.  He tapped it a few more times, and from somewhere in the room, a bouncy shop theme started playing.  The badger put the device back in his pocket without offering any explanation.

Zumies looked all around the large room, scanning the items on the tables.  There were potions, a dagger, a few swords, some scrolls, and, in the back, a few items that appeared to be of dwarven artifact quality.  "What do you have in the way of potions?"

"Ah, in that corner there," Zeke pointed towards the northeast table.  "Healing, Greater Healing, Keoghtom's Ointment, ah... There are a few others, I kinda forget what they are."

On the table next to the healing potions were vials of unknown use.  One looked like tomato soup, but appeared to be bubbling inside.  Another was a clear liquid that glowed with a white light.  Yet another was a liquid in a translucent brown bottle, except the bottle itself - including the stopper - could be partially seen through.

Bubb stepped up to a slice of tree trunk near the fire, producing a wooden cask and a deck of tarot cards.  "What shall we trade?"

Zeke looked at the tarot cards, and frowned.  "Um... is this magic?  I'm not real good with magic."  He stammered a bit, trying not to reveal that the cards reminded him of someone.  "You might've guessed by now I'm from a different world than yours.  There wasn't any magic on my world, not until--"

Bubb, not listening, opened the cask - which, as it turned out, was one of the casks from the goblins' lair that formerly held black pepper.  Zeke was cut off by the sudden stench of peppered, rotting goblin carcass, stuffed inside the cask for safe-keeping.  "Spicy.  Now trade."

"Hoo, wow..." Zeke turned his head as his eyes watered from the horrible stench.  "You know what, dude, I'm good.  I've already got more goblin carcasses in here than I care to have - and they're fresh, just butchered 'em myself, not that it matters, but thank you very much.

Bubb closed the cask and shrugged its shoulders.  "Your loss."

Zeke wrung his hands together.  "Not to give the wrong impression, I am open to trade.  I'd prefer coin, but I'll hear an offer if you've got one to make."

Zumies took a closer look at the dagger on the table.  It was clearly magical, had a feather attached to its pommel, and had a hook on the underside like a gutting knife.  There was also a longsword, that glowed with a slight blue sheen.  This was magical as well, but otherwise plain-looking, probably without any special function.  Next to that was a rapier, pulled slightly out of its scabbard.  The part of the blade that was exposed glowed with a pale light, like moonlight.

Moving on to the far back row, Zumies found the high-ticket items - the dwarven artifact aisle.  His eyes fell squarely on the most expensive item in the room.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Zumies's mouth watered just looking at it, and he struggled to guess how many zeroes were at the end of its price.  "Ah, of course you'd notice Fightappears!  This is really something how they did this - they wove the adamantine strands through the bow part like a fiber, which gives it extra tensile strength.  You'd need to be a really strong individual to pull it back - but if you can, its bolt will fire with armor-piercing power!  That's my prize item, though.  I'm looking for at least 189,000 gold for that one."

"189,000?!" Zumies' eyes bugged out of his head.

"Well, look at it!  It's adamantine, that stuff is super rare.  Most people don't even believe it exists!  There's a legend that it's used to trap... clowns? Or something, I don't really know the whole story and might have misunderstood a word or two. Again, 'from an alien world' and all that!"

"Well then, I'll just take..." the rogue paused, eyeing up the badger, then all the goblin bodies on the ground, "...a couple of health potions, then."

Bubb walked past the dwarven artifacts, and went back to the gutting knife.  Then, Bubb's head leaned back until its mouth unhinged a full one-hundred eighty degrees.  A writhing mass of flies and maggots spewed forth from its jaw like boiling, writhing, black winged mud, until gold coins started spitting out of the gruesome geyser onto the floor.  After about twenty coins had fallen, Bubb pulled its head back together, looked at the badger, and said, "Is this enough?"

Zeke steadied his gaze, taking great effort to hide the fact that the meat he'd just eaten at the fire had found its way back up into his throat.  "Ah, the Barbed Dagger of Returning!  Yes, this knife is very special.  The trick to that one is you can throw it, and then, with a flick of the wrist, recall it back to your hand.  As in, it will rip itself out of whatever it's embedded in to fly back into your open hand - and, I see you've noticed the gutting edge, so you can imagine how lethal that can be."  The badger looked down at the ground.  "You are short by about, uh, 3,980 gold though.  But, again, I am open to trade!"

Bubb looked down at the coins, bent to pick them up, and slid them back into its mouth, without saying a word.

Zeke watched the strange, metallic cleric pick up his meager coinage, and began to see the pattern emerging here.  "I think I see what's going on here.  You guys are, ah..."

"Poor?" said Zumies.

"Cheap?" said Bubb.

"New to this adventuring life," said Zeke, with a smile.  "Tell ya what... How about you guys do me a little favor, and I'll lower my prices a bit?"

ratNAROk had already taken out a dagger and stabbed himself in the palm.  "Yes!  We shall make our agreement in blood!"  He held his bloody hand and the dagger out to Zeke.

"Whoa, whoa!  Wait a minute, I haven't even..." As if noticing ratNAROk for the first time, Zeke's shock was immediately replaced with wonder as he assessed the meadowguard.  "Are you... Where are you from, my good mouse folk, if I may ask?"

"I'm from a region just outside of the Confederacies of Targeting, in the Southwest," said ratNAROk.  "My village was ransacked and destroyed by bandits.  By Nushrat, I will avenge them."

As soon as he said the name of the region, Zeke visibly deflated.  For a moment, there was excitement in his eyes, but that moment had passed.  "Ah, I see, alright... That's cool... Uh, how's it been over there?"

"Eh," said ratNAROk.  "Could use a lot more killin', if you ask me."  ratNAROk pointed at the swords.  "Do you have anything bigger?"

Zeke looked at the swords.  "Ah... not at the moment, no, but I can keep an eye out if you're looking for something specific?"

ratNAROk hefted his masterwork, silvered great axe.  "I have this great axe, right?  But it's nothing special.  I'm looking for something like... something along the line of a nodachi."

Zeke scrunched his nose.  "A no... onoda.. I'm sorry, I'm not from this world, there are a few words I still don't know.  What is that?"

"Imagine a katana, but grotesquely large."

"Kat... kata... katah nah..." the badger tried the word a few times.

"Big thin curved blade."

"Right.  Okay.  Well, I don't have anything like that at the moment, but I do get around a lot.  Traveling around and hunting for treasure is my business - for now, anyway.  If I find anything like that on my travels, I'll set it aside for you.  I'm assuming you guys will be doing this for a while, yeah?  Then we're likely to run into each other again."

"Ok traveling merchant man, you keep an eye out for anything big - no matter what it is."

"I am interested in this sword," said Sergei, holding the magic longsword.

"Ah, yes!  A fine weapon, that one.  No extra bells or whistles, just a good ol' magic sword."

"It enhances accuracy and damage?"

"You bet!  That'll be 500 gold."

Sergei offered his masterwork longsword.  "Could I interest you in this?"

Zeke inspected the sword, nodding appreciatively at its craftsmanship.  "It's nice!  But... it's not magical.  I'd take it as part of a trade, but not by itself."

"Look at this, man," said Meepo, trying to talk up its value.  "It's made so well.  See the emeralds inlaid in the pommel?  And this pommel, this isn't brass, it's 12 karat rose gold!"

Zeke rolled his shoulders and cracked his neck.  While not doing anything overtly intimidating, his body language gave off a Commanding Presence.  "It is a very nice sword, but unfortunately, it's still not magical, and that matters against certain monsters.  Like... ghosts, for example."

"Or wraiths," said Space Pants.

"Right, same thing."

"No it ain't.  No, it definitely ain't."

Zumies offered Zeke the dwarven, aluminum flask he had found earlier.  "Here, it's got a hundred-year old prickleberry wine in it.  Can I trade you this for a couple of health potions?  I have a hundred gold for another pair.  Dunno how much the wine's worth, but you can have it as a gift."

Zeke perked up, happy to finally make a deal.  "Yeah, that sounds great!  I'm happy to do that - and I'll remember the wine, as a favor."

By this time, the rest of the party grew concerned and decided to come down into the hole.  Like the others, they looked around in awe at the size of the place once they saw the main chamber.

"Welcome, welcome!  Come right in."   

Meepo, seeing Zumies trading for health potions, did the same, offering a necklace he found and some extra cash.  As he did this, he noticed Zumies pulling out the pewter necklace and pewter scepter from his pack.

"Hey, where you get those?  Isn't that party loot?"

"I think he's been grabbing things without telling us," said Edward, admonishingly.

"I don't think Edward's had a chance to identify them," said Space Pants.  "When were you gonna tell us you had those?"

"Speaking of, what those?" Meepo pointed to the items in Space Pants's hands.

"These?" The cat dropped the two bucklers they had found in the last fight.  "These need identified.  One of 'em's got a big knife on the front of it, the other I think is just a regular buckler.

Edward looked the bucklers over.  The standard-looking buckler was actually a parrying buckler, which provided little benefit on its own but granted a chance to dodge as a reaction.  The other with the blade on the front was a standard buckler providing minimal protection, with a magical enchantment to make it as good as a shield - and the blade could function as a light weapon.

"What are these other artifacts back here?" Meepo asked, pointing again at the big ticket aisle.  "Nobody asked what those do yet, did they?"

"Ah, no, not other than the crossbow.  Let me explain."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"This ring is very special," said Zeke.  "When you attune to this ring, it will forcibly unattune all other items you are attuned to.  You can't attune to any other items while attuned to this one, and you unattune from this item as soon as you stop wearing it.  While wearing this ring, you'll have an advantage when saving against any effect that lasts multiple turns."  The badger scratched his head.  "I think that's everything, I'm just reciting the instructions that were given to me.  Like I said, I'm not real good with magic myself."  He looked at the ring again.  "Let me see, it's all oak, so... I'd say 900 gold.  Been having a little trouble selling that one."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"No no no, please don't put that on!  It'll get stuck to you, you'll have to put the ring on to get it off.  It contains the spirit of some ancient warrior, a barbarian who went beyond rage and gave in to insanity.  While wearing it, you'll fight with that warrior's insane strength, but you'll want to fight everything you see.  You will not rest until everything around you is dead - meaning you might very well exhaust yourself to death first.  I, ah, don't know if I want to sell that, to be perfectly honest.  4,575 gold, if you really want it."

"Erky wanted to touch it," said the voice of Momuz Freeman in Erky's head.  "Do it, Erky.  Listen to Space Pants.  Maybe he was right all along."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"This earring grants you the boon of a turtle!" Zeke said so triumphantly, though his delivery sort of sounded like he did not truly realize the meaning of his own words.  "Three times per day, if you can react to an attack, you can blunt it for half the damage.  I'm looking for 9,000 gold for that one."

Space Pants stared at the badger as he said his price.  As he spoke, he laced his words with aberrant enchantment, seeking to sneak a subtle Suggestion at him.  "Hey, Mr. Badger, we're your friends.  You should help us by giving us a 25% discount on all items.  You want to be our friend, don't you?"

Zeke paused, thinking hard about the cat's words.  "I mean, I guess I could go for eight... seven... err, 6,750 gold.

"We still can't afford that," said Meepo.

"Well, like I was saying, I'd be open to lowering my prices for a favor!  I've heard that, nearby, there's a nest of fire snakes.  And boy, do I love fire snake eggs!"

"It's the omelet that cooks itself!" said ratNAROk.

"That's right!  I'd like you guys to fetch a few eggs for me.  But beware!  Once you disturb their nest, they'll fight hard to defend it, and they can be very nasty.  Not as easy as it sounds.  But, if you bring me back some eggs, I'll lower some of my prices."

"What if we trade you Erky for the crossbow?" said Space Pants.

"What kind of sick, degenerate--" Erky stopped mid-sentence.  "I mean... yes!  Sure, I'm for trade!  Anything to get away from these guys."

Zeke raised an eyebrow.  "Sorry, not in the people-trading business.  You really want to get away from them though, eh?"

"Don't undersell yourself," said ratNAROk.  "You're worth at least that crossbow, plus something else."

"I mean, I am a cleric of Thrathdad.  Among her domains are duty, generosity, and charity.  Definitely good to have around while searching for treasure, no?"

"As you can see," said Space Pants, "Erky is an excellant liar.  And he's a crazy, murderous fool.  Totally worth a crossbow.  Act now, and we'll throw in Zumies."

"Space Pants," said Edward, "You realize you have no hope of pulling that crossbow back, right?"

"Oh, I don't want to use it," said Space Pants.  "I just want to trade Erky for an inanimate object."

Zeke decided to change the subject.  "You were asking about catnip, right?  I've got the Kuba, the Salsa Verde, and I've got Cha Cha."

"How much for all of it?"

"...250 gold."

"So you're tellin' me you'll trade me all of your catnip for this fine gnome here?"

Zeke's mouth twitched.  "I'm, ah, not doing that, no.  Sorry, not trading for people."

"How about pets?" suggested Zumies.  "You want a cat?"

"He's housetrained," added Meepo.

"Definitely not."

Space Pants held up his paws and pretended like he was counting on his claws.  "So... how many catnips can I buy..."

"There's five uses per--"

"--for Zumies?"

"...There's five uses per stack."

"Deal.  I'll trade you Zumies, you can have Erky just to sweeten the pot, and I'll give you five bucks.  I mean gold.  Five gold bucks."

"I'm starting to think Space Pants isn't from this world, either," said ratNAROk.

"Alright, I'm gonna sweeten the deal even more: No Erky.  There, you don't have to deal with him, we'll keep him and you just take Zumies."

"No, no!" Erky complained, "I already said I'm going with him."

"Come on, Erky, you're not goin' with him, nobody wants you, we're stuck with you, just get in the... go over by the fire."

"Ay, stakish nah kah..." Zeke muttered something in his home language, put his face in his palm and shook his head.

"Sir," Alefgard spoke up for the first time, "Sir, I have been very patient."

Zeke looked up with a start.  "Um-- yes!  Sure, how can I--"

"Do you have.  A ****ing.  Coffee."

"...Coming right up."

"Thank you."

"Make that two!" added Edward.

"I'll take a coffee if it gives me a rage back," said ratNAROk.

"The coffee is complimentary because we're spending so much money here," said Space Pants, "isn't that right, Zeke?"

"Um... I mean, it's complimentary because I'm a nice guy."  Zeke reached into a duffel bag next to his log by the fire, and pulled out a can.  The can had a brightly-colored label printed on in such a way that none of the party have ever seen before, with bold symbols they couldn't make out, but once opened there was no mistaking the aroma of a fresh ground dark roast.  Zeke poured some coffee grounds into a metal percolator, added water from a bottle of an odd, see-through material, and set it over the fire.

"So, Zeke," Space Pants made small talk while the coffee brewed.  "Tell us about this shop of yours."

"Of course!  This is my sett.  This place exists because of an invention of a good friend of mine from way back, who called himself Light Defender.  Have you ever heard of the spell 'Magic Mansion?'  Basically, this is a lesser version of that, enchanted over my telep-- this device here.  Just one tap, and a gateway to this pocket dimension appears, wherever I choose to leave it."  The badger had a nostalgic smile.  "I don't pretend to understand it.  Like I said, I'm no good with magic... but a long time ago, I actually did have a spellbook, only briefly.  It was linked to a goddess named Psyche, and spells would appear in the book whenever I'd accidentally unlock them through moments of extreme emotion.  But, that chapter of my life closed long ago, and I no longer have that book or its power.  All for the better, to be honest."

Space Pants feigned interest.  "Cool, cool.  So can you store people in here?"

"Oh, yeah!  I mean, I can spend days, even weeks in here.  I live here.  As long as that hole is somewhere on the surface so I can get back, there's no problem."

"So, could you leave, and someone else stay in here?"

"Well, technically yes, but this place is bound to this device.  If I drop the hole and then walk away with the device, the hole will disappear."

"What if we need to hide a body in it, living or dead, sometimes?"

Zeke turned around and stared at one of the goblin corpses for a while, considering.  "I suppose that depends on what kind of business you're into.  And what it's worth to you.  After all, this here is a storefront."

"Hear me out, Zeke," said the cat.  "You should come with us.  I don't know what you're doin' in this dungeon, but you're around, we're around... We could-- no, Erky could manage your shop, and you could come with us!"

Zeke laughed.  "That sounds great, if a bit unexpected.  To be honest, I'm on a bit of a mission of my own.  See, I've already done my adventuring, and I retired from that long ago - at least, that's what I told myself.  But the whole reason I opened up this shop is because of a bit of unfinished business."

"Go on," said Space Pants.

Zeke paused a long time, as if carefully weighing whether to divulge this information.  "...Well, I'm trying to stop my brothers. They-- wait, hold on."  He pulled out the device from his pocket again, tapped it a few times, and the music in the room changed again, this time to something a bit heavier, a little sadder.  "I come from a big family.  I'm the youngest of 8 brothers--"

"Wow," said Edward.

"Yeah, let me back up a bit.  I'm from a world called T'zen.  All the people there are like... tall versions of what you call 'animals' here.  Not all are badgers like me, but everyone in my family tree is a badger.  That's why I asked where you were from," he said to ratNAROk.  "I thought maybe there was a chance you had come from my world, too."

"Oh, but you didn't care if I did?" said Space Pants, the cat.

"You, my friend, clearly aren't from this world either - but it's also obvious you're not from mine, because there's no magic on my world.  Well, that was until--"

"Okay, okay great," interrupted Space Pants.  "Who are we against?  Who are we going to kill for you?"

"My brothers run a crime syndicate," Zeke blurted out.

"Oh, terrific.  Sounds shady."

"Yeah.  On my world, I don't tell people I'm a 'Barrens.'  But I'm the youngest, the black sheep of the family, and I've been trying to bring them down my whole life - but, that's only gotten harder the longer it's taken me to do it.  At this point, they've completely infiltrated the world government and basically rule the world."

"'World' government?" asked Edward.  "You mean, like one government running the entire world?"

"T'zen has many nations that all answer to one united super-government," Zeke explained.  "It happened as a response to widespread corruption within various nations, but it was already so bad that the shift only delayed the inevitable.  Now they're at the top of everything, and there's no way to touch them."

"Well, how the hell did they get so powerful?"

"Because my brother, Jahn, the current head of the Barrens Mafia, was the first on our world to discover magic.  And he tested it first on me.  The first thing he did with it was teleport me to some random world - a pocket dimension, called Mercia, where I found myself stranded with nothing but the clothes on my back, and my grandfather's sword.  I couldn't speak the language, so I made my living cleaning some potion dealer's floors until I learned how.  Well... actually, there's more to it than that, but I digress.  Bottom line, I eventually left that world, went home... and then, Jahn teleported me away again, this time to Buzong Xömlox."

"Why here?"

"Dunno, but I've got a hunch that I'm not the only one.  He's learned he can use magic to simply push anybody he wants out of his way, and that's exactly what he'll do.  I wouldn't put it past him to start exiling his competition via teleportation, sending them anywhere that isn't home.  I don't know if he'd choose different targets, all the same target, or whatever.  But if he's sent me here, that means it's a place he knows how to teleport people to.  I'm betting there are others of my kind here as well.  So, my goal with this shop is to fund a base for my people - start a home for those of us cast off our homeworld, and build a base from which to strike back and retake T'zen.  However the heck we're gonna do that... I need an army, that's for sure."

"So, to clarify," said Space Pants, "you want to create a new mob to defeat the old mob?"

"...You could put it that way, I guess.  I mean, at this point, I'm willing to try anything."

"Sounds good, man," said ratNAROk.  "I know what it's like losing your home."

"Sounds great.  Me and ratNAROk, we're so in."

"For money," amended ratNAROk.

"For money, yes."

"...You guys are serious?  You want to help?"

"Yeah, sure!"  Both Space Pants and ratNAROk agreed together.

"Killing's like what we do," said Space Pants.

"You know how long we've been stuck in this dungeon?!" said ratNAROk.

"Ask Sergei, I think he ate somebody."

"That was a long time ago," the dragonborn said defensively.

Zeke stood quietly, staring into the flame as he considered, his brow furrowed with a remembrance of pain.  Had it not been clear before, the badger's age was clear now - at least middle-aged, Zeke had the look of someone whose adventuring days were behind him.  He watched the flames dance as memories of friends and loved ones he'd lost along the way came back to haunt him.

"I appreciate your enthusiasm," said Zeke after a long while, "and I do need the manpower if I'm to have any hope of taking my brothers down.  However, I don't know you guys that well yet - and the last time I accepted help blindly, it didn't end well.  Ah... slight tangent, do any of you know what's going on out there with the goblins and the kobolds?  I have a feeling you probably know why they're in a tizzy."

"You could try asking the king of the kobolds himself." Space Pants performed a grand gesture towards Meepo.  "He's sittin' right here."

Meepo perked up, straightening his noble's robes and his crown.  The kobold put his arms out wide and bowed before him, while holding his +platinum crown+ on his head with one claw.  "We killed most of 'em... I think."

"You should bow, Zeke," said ratNAROk.

"No, no, no!  He's not one of my subjects."

"Alright, alright," Zeke said.  "Maybe, maybe... I need to get some things in order first... clean these goblin guts out of here, first of all... Yeah.  Okay, let me give you something... well, next time we meet, ah..." The badger went back and forth for quite a while, trying to make up his mind.  "...Tell ya what, let's take this step by step.  Get me those fire snake eggs, show me you can do that first.  Then, I'll give you guys something that will let you contact me whenever you need.  Sound good?"

"Pocket-dimensional merchant?  Sounds good to me!"  Meepo said.

"Before we leave," said ratNAROk, "I want you to think about something while we're gone... If you were a god, what power would you occupy?"

ratNAROk turned to leave Zeke with that thought, but the badger answered as he's walking away.  "Justice.  ...For the people who deserve it.  ...and, forgiveness, for those who deserve that."

"Isn't that what everybody wants?" said Alefgard.

"I think that's kind of the actual definition of justice, isn't it?" Meepo looked confused.

"Don't answer so fast," said ratNAROk.  "Think about it.  Don't answer until you're certain.  I look forward to us meeting again."

Space Pants walked up to Zeke, took his giant digging claw in his two tiny cat paws, and shook it vigorously.  "Zeke, it was very nice to meet you, I just wanna point out we could have killed you at any time."

"Oh, I would've liked to have seen you try!" Zeke said with a chuckle. 

"One last thing before I go," said the cat, "you got anything that might make me harder to hit?  Something that isn't actually armor.  Like a Ring of Protection?"

"A ring?  Uh, I don't think... wait, actually I might--"

"Nevermind, I found it."

Zeke turned to look, and then rushed over to step between Space Pants and the box he was rummaging through, near the eastern door to his dormitory.  The box contained all manners of weird items - many things made of metal with glass panels and odd writing on them, twisted cables with different kinds of plugs on their ends, and many square, clear, not-glass cases containing shiny, reflective, not-glass discs.  There was something dangling out of the box - a black, fabric strap holding up a strange, metallic device, similar to what Zeke was wearing but with a different sort of screen.

"Oh!  Ha ha, hey, don't touch that, those shouldn't be out, ha ha, why don't we go over here instead?"

"What do you got back there, man?" said ratNAROk.

"Ah, it's just my house!  I'm sorry, you can't come in.  See, I have quite a few things that... don't belong in this world.  And, there are people - or, entities - out there who... don't take kindly to drastically altering a culture's development by introducing them to high technology.

"What?"

"I think he just doesn't want to share his dirty magazines with you," said Space Pants.

Zeke was sweating a little.  He knew what kind of trouble awaited him if he were to break that rule - but, he also really needed their help.  And their money.  "Gee, I just can't imagine what would happen if you were to stumble across my deflector shield..." Zeke bumped the box, causing the strapped device to fall out.

Space Pants stared at the device, then up at Zeke.  "Dirt merchant, I must have this."

"...Okay, fine, no more games.  The simple fact of the matter is, it doesn't belong on your world.  If anybody found out you got this from me... well, it might not end well.  For either of us.  But.  Merely to satisfy your curiosity," he said with a wink to the cat.

"Stop talking.  Wait.  I mean, keep talking."

"If someone were to shoot a missile, or a bullet at you..."

"A missile?  Wait, what's a bullet?"

"...uh, like from a sling.  Or an arrow.  Any small, physical projectile!  As long as that thing's charged, it has a chance of deflecting that projectile away from you."

"I'll take it," said Space Pants.  "Take Erky."

Zeke ignored that.  "See, something like this, since you can't get it anywhere else, I couldn't let it go for less than... 2,000 gold."

"I thought I had so much gold until I came here," complained Space Pants.

"Let's get those snake eggs," said Edward, "then maybe this stuff will be a little more affordable."

"Zeke?" said Meepo, "Do you happen to know if we need a magic weapon to hurt the fire snakes?  And also, can we finish our rest here by your fire?"

"Oh, yes, of course!  As for--"

"Great, tell them."  Meepo immediately curled up next to the fire and went to sleep.

"...Right.  As for the fire snakes, yeah, they resist non-magical attacks, and are immune to fire.  Try using cold against them!  I think there's a nest of wild ones somewhere around those gardens, but if you go into goblin territory, through the door in the northeast of the room we came from, I think they have a nest of tamed ones.  You'll probably get better eggs there.  Anyway, I'll go whip up a pot of beefstew if you guys are sticking around to finish your rest.  Make yourselves at home!"

Zumies looked up at Zeke and asked, hopefully, "Do you have any ice cream?"

[KenboCalrissian]

10 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (5 Days Until Solstice)
=============

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Meepo stood and stretched his back.  "Finally got all my spells back!  You fighter types have no idea."

As the party was getting ready to leave, Zeke snuck over to Erky to have a private conversation.  "Hey, man, yesterday you sounded like you really wanted to get away from these guys.  Do you want to hitch a ride with me?"

Erky looked over his shoulder, then sighed.  "Nah, I'm good.  These guys might accidentally accomplish something pretty great for the area, so... Might as well see this through, and somebody should keep an eye on them anyway."

Meepo, sitting nearby, overheard.  "Thank you, Erky, I appreciate that."

"I appreciate you, Meepo," said Erky.  "Thank you for being one of the good ones."

"C'mon, what are we waiting for?" ratNAROk hoisted his silvered greataxe over his shoulder.  "We've got five days left until the solstice - that's when the apple grows!  We don't want to miss it."

ratNAROk checked the door Zeke had mentioned, which was also the door the goblins and bugbear were running in and out of.  "Somebody with a light, come in here!"

"Right behind you," said Meepo, bearing a torch.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The chests in this room were full of spare weapons - battered scimitars, shoddy short bows, crude or worn weapons stashed away by Belak's goblin minions.  There were plenty of arrows lying around for the party to restock, but ratNAROk was unable to find a lantern.

"Hmm," ratNAROk pondered.  "This must be the way towards the goblins, but I don't want to leave anything behind us in case it's a threat that might sneak up on us later."

"Let us finish searching this laboratory," said Sergei.  "Who knows what that druid might have crafted here?"

The mouse barbarian opened the door to the south.  Taking a cursory glance around the room, the first thing he spotted was the bushes growing in the corner.

"Hello, what's this?"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Without waiting for anybody's response, ratNAROk pushed the branches aside and found a secret passage.  It seemed the fissure from the ground's shifting during the citadel's fall cracked a hole through this wall, allowing passage into the chasm.

"ratNAROk, don't go too far!" Bubb called after him.

"I'm a mouse," replied ratNAROk, "I've gotta see where the hole in the wall goes."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

As the barbarian trekked through the chasm, the bushes further in sprang to life and tried to grab him!

"Knew it!  Not today, kindling."  ratNAROk punched the bush in the throat - or at least, whereever he thought its throat must be - and the twig monster crumbled apart like rotten timber.  These blights seemed more frail than the ones they'd fought earlier, each going down in a single hit.  "Perhaps killing the big twig blight had something to do with that?" ratNAROk thought.  He preemptively attacked every bush he encountered, but each was already alert and waiting for him to come by, taking a swipe as soon as he stepped into range.

"Shouldn't we go in there and help?" said Meepo.

"Alefgard, get in there!" Edward egged his friend on.

"They're trees, shoot 'em with flames," suggested Zumies.
 
"Great idea," said Space Pants.  The cat launched a Fire Bolt at the inert bushes directly in front of them, setting the passage on fire.
 
"That one wasn't moving," Bubb said flatly.
 
"Well it definitely ain't moving anymore," said the sorcerer.

By this point, ratNAROk had continued on and made it to the end of the chasm by himself, snapping the blights apart with his bare paws instead of his axe.  As the party turned towards the burning bushes to brave jumping through, Zumies took advantage of the distraction and helped himself to the closet.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

As the half-elf searched the wardrobe, he absentmindedly rubbed his jade, copper-wired dragon pendant between his thumb and forefinger, feeling the smoothness of the cold stone.  Then, from a hook on the inside of the wardrobe, he saw something hanging by a shoulder strap that made him gasp - it was a leather messenger back with a smiling, jolly face on its flap.

"Ah-- a Bag of Holding!" Zumies held his prize over his head, triumphant with his slightly-better-than-lucky find.  Somewhere, a dormant entity had smiled upon the rogue's fortune.

"Oh!  Very nice!"  Alefgard turned and nodded satisfactorily at the bag.  "Now, the question is how much can we sell it to the badger for?"

"At least all of the catnip," said Space Pants.

"Wait, you didn't buy any?"

"I got bored and did some catnip instead."

Now that the flames were dying down, Space Pants, Meepo, Bubb, and Zumies moved into the chasm to catch up to ratNAROk, while the others stayed behind.  They came to an intersection in the chasm, with one passage going north, one going west, and two to the south.  The north passage looked like it went back to the twig blight garden they were in before, through the south door they hadn't opened.  The west passage was a dead end.  The two passages to the south differed greatly from one another: The first was a smoothed and tiled path with a door at the end, part of the dungeon that had been separated from the main structure in the collapse, and the second was a natural cavern that smelled of sulfur and burning peat.  Many charred, smoking holes, two feet in diameter each, dotted the ground.

"I punch the rock."  ratNAROk punched a rock.  "Aw, no rock blight."

"I'd have been real impressed if you broke that rock like you did those trees," said Space Pants.

ratNAROk looked around, and saw a glowing light coming from one of the holes.  Without a word a warning, he jumped down into the hole - and only made it about waist deep, before his feet kicked something in the head!

"Screeee!!"

Whatever the meadowguard's feet were touching was red hot.  A second snake appeared behind Meepo as they mobilized to defend their lair.  ratNAROk scrambled out of the hole and entered a rage as he stood and readied his axe.

Distracted by an ore vein in the wall, Zumies turned and dashed towards the sound of combat, using his roguish Cunning Action to leap deftly into position and take a shot with his magic crossbow, but misjudged his own momentum as he skidded into position and missed. 

The snakes screeched and lashed their tails and gnashed their teeth, but ratNAROk and Meepo both deftly dodged every attack they threw out.  Meepo disengaged to get out from between the snakes, and summoned a Spiritual Weapon in the form of a nodachi.  Bubb joined his own giant fly Spiritual Weapon to Meepo's - both fly and sword swooped in and bit and slashed at the snakes, fending them back.

ratNAROk glanced at the spiritual sword and laughed.  "Hey, the nodachi I wanted!  Next time we see Zeke, show him that spell so he knows what I'm looking for."

"Hmph!"  Sergei snorted and dashed through the fire, relying on his natural dragonborn resistance to protect him from burning.  Edward, Alefgard, and Erky followed close behind, leaping over the smoldering flames.

Space Pants sees the snakes.  Space Pants is deathly afraid of snakes.  Space Pants flees, bumping into Zumies and vomiting on his shoe.  "Blegh-- Get away from me!!"

"Ugh!" said Zumies.  "Bad kitty!  No more catnip for you."

"Over your dead... hold on." Space Pants vomited on Zumies' other shoe.  "There.  That's an improvement for you."

"Great.  Thanks."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Spoiler: "OOC" (click to show/hide)

First time I've had to break a session up into two posts - the previous post would have gone over the character limit had I gone any further!  Once we get out of this dungeon and finally dive into the real story, I expect this to happen more often as there will be a lot more detail to share per session.

[KenboCalrissian]

OOC: Sorry for the wait, we cancelled our last session and only play every other week.  Our next game is this Tuesday, so expect an update within a week or two!

PS: EXPECT A NAME CHANGE TO THE THREAD SOON!
I've decided to expand this thread to include the entire campaign, not just 'The Sunken Citadel.' I don't know what that name will be yet, it will be decided by the players. I'm mentioning it now so you'll know why the name on your bookmark won't match in a few weeks, or so you don't lose track of the story from the main directory.

[KenboCalrissian]

10 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Morning)
=============

The fire snake rose up out of its hole, glaring down at ratNAROk. The air around it rippled, excited by the immense heat radiating off the creature's body. The barbarian sneered. "I ain't scared of you."

Reaching out, ratNAROk grasped the snake around its neck. The heat seared his paws, but in his rage, ratNAROk only laughed at the pain. With a squeaking, shrieking yell, the mouse man hoisted the snake over his head, carried it forward a few steps, and threw it towards the mouth of the cavern. Zumies, surprised and in its path, nimbly sidestepped out of the way as the snake landed on its face in front of him, but then misjudged its speed as it writhed out of the way of his rapier. In retaliation, the fire snake sunk its teeth into Zumies's leg, just as its brethren too scored a scorching strike on ratNAROk's shoulder.

"Ha ha ha ha!" laughed the small mouseman, his eyes bulging with rage. "That's chump damage!"

"Their hides seem resistant to non-magical attacks!" cried Meepo. "Well, let's see them resist this!" The kobold cleric put all his might into a fully-powered Toll the Dead. Half of the snake's face rotted away with necrotic damage, but enraged, it only made the coals in its eyes burn hotter.

"Don't throw that thing at me!" Space Pants disengaged and ran away, back up the echoing chasm. Edward, Alefgard, Sergei, and Erky were running towards him, alerted to the sound of combat echoing through the chasm walls. The cat started waving them the other direction. "Don't worry guys, the elf's got 'em, he said to just leave him. Just let him go. Just let them all go and turn around. Everyone go home, nothin' to see back here."

"Hah!" laughed Erky, "Some great and powerful 'hero' you turned out to be."

Space Pants stuck out his leg and tripped Erky, causing the gnome to fall on the stone floor and chip a tooth.

"Ack!" Erky felt the sharp, bloodied tooth with the tip of his tongue, and glared at Space Pants. "Wonderful. Now I will always have this reminder that you are still at large. You've made sure I won't forget."

"Erky wanted to forgive Space Pants," the voice of Momuz Freeman said in the gnome's head.

Meanwhile, Bubb commanded its giant fly of a Spiritual Weapon to devour the rotting snake, bypassing its resistance with force damage - and yet, the snake continued to fight on. Bubb turned its attention to the other and cast a Guiding Bolt at it, lighting it up with a radiant glow that exposed its weak points.

"Hyaaah!" ratNAROk, having dropped his greataxe, reached for a scimitar and slashed at the fire snake. Through his divine fury, he channeled radiant energy into his strike, slicing through the fire snake's thick hide and cutting it down for good. The snake's scorching hot body burned ratNAROk's hand upon striking, but the barbarian only laughed at the pain as he charged on towards the second snake, just as Sergei ran up on its flank.

As the snake turned to face the charging mouse warrior, Zumies took advantage of the distraction and snuck in a stab with his rapier. The blade, non-magical, was deflected somewhat by the fire snake's hide, and Zumies too was burned at the touch. "Gah! Stupid rapier!" As luck would have it, the snake remained distracted with being pinned between Sergei and ratNAROk, giving Zumies an opportunity to hide out of its sight.

Surrounded and alone, the remaining snake attempted to burrow underground to get away. Sergei, ratNAROk, and Zumies each took a swing as it fled, but it managed to slip away.

"I'm goin' after it!" The hole was about two feet wide, so ratNAROk dove in and dug the hole open wider. The snake was a little slow to get away, and when they saw its head poking up, ratNAROk grabbed onto the snake's head, while Sergei grabbed on to ratNAROk's waist.

"C'mon, dragon man! This snake's burnin' my hands! Let's yank it out!!"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The fighter and the barbarian pulled together, even as ratNAROk's paws continued to singe, but fighting for its survival, the fire snake pulled harder. It drew ratNAROk head-first into the hole, but Sergei caught him by the ankle just before he was dragged inside.

"ratNAROk, let it go!"

"Never! C'mere, you stupid snake!"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

With the fur of his paw still smoldering, the barbarian ripped the snake from its hole by its throat and dragged it back into the open. Before it could get up, Meepo cast Toll the Dead on it, putting it out of its misery.

"Looks like snake's on the menu tonight!" ratNAROk immediately set to butchering the fire snake, his mouth watering as he imagined gorging himself on the fiery, already-cooked meat.

As the fight settled, Zumies took a look around to get his bearings. The den was situated in a cave about fifteen feet away from a finished and tiled hallway. As Akmammestthos, the Sunken Citadel sunk into the earth, a section of the citadel appeared to have shifted about twenty-five feet south-west, as evidenced by the very fissue they were standing in. The ceiling went up high into the darkness, much higher than his darkvision could see, and there was little vegetation. Surprisingly, despite how deep underground they were, there were roots sticking out from between the rock down here, particularly down closer to the ground, not up the walls as one would expect.

Zumies paused to inspect the fire snake that ratNAROk was butchering. Between its teeth, he spotted what appeared to be chips of broken gemstones. Sapphire, even.

"Huh... uh, let me help you with that!"

"Knock yourself out, friend!" As ratNAROk cut into the flesh of the snake's tail, Zumies used his dagger to open its gut, cutting through its steaming flesh to open its stomach. Sure enough, inside were many bits and flakes of crushed gemstones, apparently eaten by the beast. He pocketed a handful of the bloody gem chips while no one was looking.

"Spicy snakes have expensive taste," Sergei said, suddenly appearing behind Zumies.

Zumies hurried up and threw a cloth over his pilfered gemstones, acting natural so as not to call his behavior into question. "Zeke said these were the wild ones, and they had trained ones inside. I suspect the local goblins have been winning their favor by offering them precious gemstones."

"Then it's no wonder they're so defensive over their nest. Come, let us search for those eggs."

Space Pants peeked around the corner. "Are... are they dead yet?"

ratNAROk saw Space Pants still quivering over the snakes, and pat him on the shoulder. "Space Pants, if we started a band, it'd be called 'catNAROk.'"

"No, it'd be called 'Cutter 5,'" said the cat.

"Let's find what we came for," said Sergei. The dragonborn looked around. There were many small, two-foot diameter holes peppering the floor where the snakes had burrowed in and out, but no obvious nests. Grunting, the fighter checked beneath a nearby boulder, using his powerful muscles to move it aside. As he suspected, a shallow nest lay beneath, containing one egg, and a medium sapphire, as large as one's thumb.

"Ah-hah!" Sergei knelt down to lift up the egg and the sapphire. As soon as he did, the ground shook, and three more fire snakes burst from the ground to defend their nest!

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Nope ropes!" cried ratNAROk.

"Danger noodles!" shouted Sergei.

"Squiggly 'tude dudes!" ratNAROk kept going.

Edward turned to Alefgard. "Hey, these are fire snakes, you dig?"

"We're all bunched up," said the wizard. "Ice Knife would not be the greatest idea right now."

As they planned, one of the snakes got close to Alefgard, and he had to do something. He brought his hands together to form a Thunderclap, blasting the snake with a loud BANG that reverberated down the echoing chasm corridor. Then, he touched Sergei's longsword and cast Magic Weapon. The dragonborn's masterwork longsword glowed with an ethereal blue light.

"That should help you cut through their hide!"

Just then, the fire snake shook off the sonic blast and lunged at Alefgard. Sergei Protected the wizard by interposing his shield between the attack. "Thank you, funny tome man."

"No, thank you-- watch out!"

A second snake slid past ratNAROk, Edward, and Alefgard and went straight after Sergei, who had pilfered the egg. This snake was larger than the others, perhaps the alpha or the queen of the nest, depending on how these snakes worked. A gnashing bite and a broad, critical strike from its tail pushed the fighter back - but most of its damage came from the heat of its body, which the dragonborn resisted. The last slithered past Zumies to flank Edward with the one that just moved in on Sergei.

"Aw, who said there could be more snakes?" Space Pants threw a random cantrip at a random person, casting the first thing on his mind. A Minor Illusion of a fourth fire snake appeared in Erky's space, partially obscuring the gnomish cleric.

"What the heck is this?!" Erky poked his head out through the stomach of the illusory snake.

"You'll thank me later!" Space Pants fled down the chasm hall.

Edward stabbed the fire snake that went after Sergei, and shouted a Healing Word at him. "You got this, big guy!"

Bubb reached out and grabbed a snake, dissentegrating it with Inflict Wounds. The snake's flesh rotted and sloughed off, leaving only the skeleton in its hand as its flies set upon the messy feast at its feet. Bubb held onto its skeleton for later.

Erky stepped over the mess created by the sentient swarm of flies, and rushed over to ratNAROk. "I know you don't like to call out when you need healing, but you need healing!" The gnome cast Cure Wounds, closing some of the barbarian's injuries. ratNAROk grunted out something unintelligible by way of thanks.

Silently, Zumies crept up behind the snake assaulting Edward and snuck a stab at it, stabbing clean between its scales and shrugging off the burns from its heated body. Meanwhile, Sergei protected the egg in his hand, slashing back with his masterwork longsword, and again with a surge of adrenaline while catching his second wind. His blade glowed with the blue light of Alefgard's magic, cutting through the snake's defenses like paper. ratNAROk hacked at the snake Zumies was fighting with his dual scimitars, but its body was especially hot and burnt the mouse man severely in retribution.

Meepo pointed his yklwa at a fire snake near the rear and cast Toll the Dead - but nothing happened. The snake stayed perfectly still, unmoved by the attack or anything else around it.

"What... Space Pants! Your illusion!"

"Don't blame me, you shoulda been payin' attention!"

Meepo grumbled and resummoned his spiritual weapon. The gilded nodachi appeared next to him and slashed clean through the snake to his left, beheading and felling the beast. Alefgard Thunderclapped again, ringing its skull with another eardrum-shattering crash.

In a last-ditch effort to save its nest, the larger snake lunged at Sergei, trying to coil around him and drag him underground. However, Sergei blocked it easily, bouncing its face off his shield as he repelled the attack. "Come back when you have arms and legs!"

Space Pants heroically peeked around the corner. Space Pants saw there were still snakes. Space Pants heroically ducked back behind the corner.

"Next time we break for lunch, somebody leave a cucumber behind him while he's eating," ratNAROk laughed. "That'll really scare him!"

"C'mon, let's finish this!" said Edward. "This snake is on its last legs!" The bard stabbed away again at the snake. It turned and hissed at him, but Bubb finished it with Toll the Dead, ending the fight.

"Alright, that's one," said Zumies. "Let's see if there are any more nests to dig up..." Pushing aside another boulder, the rogue uncovered another nest. This one was full of cracked egg shells, and one small sapphire.

Meepo looked around at all the two-foot wide holes dotting the floor of the cavern. "ratNAROk, you can fit down those holes, right? Take a rope with you this time and see if you can--."

Before Meepo could finish his sentence, ratNAROk jumped into the nearest hole, without the rope. Diving in head-first, the barbarian quickly saw his first mistake.

"Uh... it's dark in here! Somebody got a light?"

Bubb touched ratNAROk's robe and cast Light. With magical light radiating from his shoulders, ratNAROk squirmed his way into the tunnel, until he found a fork in the path. He could tell the path to the right had been used more recently, but that was all he could glean at a glance.

"Hmm... What could that tell me..." ratNAROk scratched his head. "If the right was used more recently, then that means there's more bad guys, which obviously means there's more treasure. And I want that money money!"

The barbarian climbed through the right tunnel. It wasn't long before the path opened up to a den. A clutch of three baby fire snakes - still as large as the small mouse man - rose up from their nest and immediately came towards ratNAROk.

"Oh, snack! ...Uh oh!"

ratNAROk tried to put up his swords, but the tunnel he was climbing through was only as wide as he was! Turning around, dodging, and moving in general was very difficult from where he was. The snakes surrounded him quickly, nipping at his face, hitting more easily since he was partially restrained in the tunnel.

"Ow! Ha ha, you guys are cute! I'm taking one of you with me!"

The barbarian grabbed the nearest baby snake and bit its head, channeling radiant fury as he did so. However, the snakes were tougher than expected, and even the young were more than capable of putting up a fight. All three retaliated, leaving bites and burns all over the barbarian's body.

"Ack! Sonuva... I'll get you! C'mere!"

Outside the hole, the others could hear their ally's cursing and shouting, but because of the size of the hole, were unable to help.

"There he goes again," Edward rolled his eyes.

"Mouse man, do you need assistance?" Sergei called down the hole.

As ratNAROk turned to reply, he saw a fourth snake coming up the tunnel behind him. "Oh, snap-- I'm out!" Pushing against the walls of the tunnel with all his might, the barbarian shoved himself backwards, trying to kick his way through the enemy behind him. The baby snakes in front all took a strike as he was fleeing, one of them scoring a critical hit on his wrist.

"That's it - you're comin' with me!"

Still clutching the fire snake he'd bitten, ratNAROk overpowered the beast and dragged it out of the tunnel with him. His paw singed and smoked as its heated body burned at his flesh, and the snake snapped at the barbarian's face again and again, but he didn't care. The pain only made him relish his rage more.

The enraged mouse man held up the fire snake, almost as large as he was, victoriously for all to see, even as it writhed and hissed and fought against his grasp. "First babies I've come across that attacked back!"

There was a long pause, then Bubb asked, "...Hold up. These were the first babies who fought back? Do you frequently attack babies?"

"D'uhh, um... Goblins, troglodytes, y'know, that stuff!"

"That is a horribly dark statement," Edward shook his head.

"Fine, whaddaya want me to do with this?" The snake jerked again in ratNAROk's still-smoldering paw. "I need opinions!"

"Make a belt out of it," suggested Zumies.

"That'll take too long," said ratNAROk. "It burns."

"Maybe you should put it down," said Sergei. "It seems to be causing you... discomfort."

The mouse man's eye twitched as he held onto the snake tighter. The smell of burnt fur was apparent to everybody. "Nah, it's fine! I've spent a lot of time in kitchens. I've got what you call 'chef hands.'"

"I can see the blisters forming."

"Those aren't blisters, those are callouses!"

Meepo cast Toll the Dead on the snake to put an end to the charade, but the snake held onto life and kept thrashing and burning ratNAROk. The barbarian just kept laughing at the pain.

"Enough!" Edward tried to grab the snake and pull it away, but ratNAROk yanked it out of the way first.

"Hold up! There's something I want to do first." The snake's body burned ratNAROk's hand even more.

"No, just kill it already!" Space Pants panicked and fired the first cantrip he could think of at it. A Fire Bolt shot from his finger at the snake, but was absorbed entirely by its warm hide. "Dang, well, I've tried everything."

"Let's just let this play out," said Bubb, watching hungrily as ratNAROk crept closer and closer to succumbing under the damage of the fire snake's heated body. Its flies buzzed excitedly in anticipation. "Let's respect his wishes and see how this goes."

"...You're just waiting for my meat to be cooked, aren't you?"

"Cooked? No, no... We don't discriminate. But fresh is good."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Meepo cast Toll the Dead again, finishing off the snake. Edward cast a Healing Word on him, patching some of his wounds - but not all. ratNAROk soon learned that his actions had lasting consequences; Having held onto the snake's burning hot body for so long, his off-hand was completely charred, unable to move and in constant, searing pain. He would be unable to use that hand without proper treatment.

"Aw, sweet! When this heals back up, I'm not gonna be able to feel anything!"

"If it heals up," admonished Sergei. "You are a fool."

The kobold tsked as he looked at ratNAROk's hands. "I bet you grew up lying constantly about doing your homework," Meepo said to ratNAROk.

"Bold of you to assume I did any of my homework at all!"

Bubb pat ratNAROk on the back. A flood of maggots poured out from its wrist, squirming and munching on the barbarian's charred flesh, healing him in the most sickening way possible. "Mmm... maybe next time."

"I hate this game," said Space Pants.

"Oh, hey, there was another path, I'm going back--"

"No, no, you're not." Bubb dispelled his Light spell so ratNAROk could no longer see down the hole. Sergei moved the boulder over top of the hole to keep the snakes in, and ratNAROk out.

"D'aww..."

With the nest cleared out, the party moved on to the smoothed and tiled hallway they had passed, just next door. At the end of the hall was a stone door that was wedged shut in its doorframe. Sergei put his weight against it, but it did not budge. He tried again, and the second time, the door dislodged, revealing the room beyond.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The room was illuminated by three wall sconces, each with a blue Continual Flame cast within. The walls and floor had some kind of mosaic pattern at one point, but most pieces had long since fallen and lay shattered upon the floor. In the center of the room was an iron dragon statue, holding a plate with scorch marks in the bottom with its mouth. Against the back wall was a row of sarcophagi. One lay open, revealing the skeletal elven warrior within.

Upon seeing the skeleton, Space Pants's immediate reaction was to reach for Nightcaller, the crystal whistle that raised the dead. "Let's see, how long's it been since I last used this... just before our last rest, so less than 12 hours, but this needs 24... Oh well." Space Pants blew the whistle. Nothing happened.

"Come on, cat man, you're going to break that thing," said Sergei.

Suddenly, Space Pants's ears perked up. He looked all around the room, then narrowed his eyes at the dragon sculpture in the center. "What the @#$! are you talking about?!"

Sergei took a step back. "Uhh, are you... are you talking to me?"

Meepo shrunk back. "M-- me? Meepo didn't say anything..."

Edward lifted an eyebrow. "Um, is the cat alright?"

For a time, no one said anything. Everyone watched Space Pants. Again, the cat looked all around the room, checking the corners, the ceiling, under his own feet. His ears perked up again. "...Yeah, alright." Space Pants blew the whistle a second time.

Ehehehehehee...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

A sadistic cackle boomed through the room, coming from nowhere and everywhere all at once. Suddenly, the torches all changed color, casting the room in a crimson glow. The skeleton from the open casket rose up, took two steps forward, and awaited Space Pants's command.

Space Pants would have said something, but he realized he was suddenly out of breath. It was more than that, though. He felt weaker, as though a part of himself may have been lost in the effort. Space Pants examined the skeletal warrior, and nodded with satisfaction - of all the beings he had raised with Nightcaller so far, this one seemed to be the most robust. Hopefully, it would prove to be worth the exchange. Space Pants turned towards the party and shrugged.

"Sure, nothing foreboding about this," worried Edward.

Meepo curled up in a corner, placing his shield over himself and peeked out over the top.

Erky looked at Space Pants with wide eyes. "What... what did you do?? I don't know what kind of sorcery you're up to, cat, but you'd better be careful!"

Space Pants scoffed. "Shut up, Erky. There's nothing wrong with summoning an evil skeleton from time to time, alright,? Obviously, I'm a super-powerful cat... and I can do things."

"Snake!" called out Meepo.

"Gah!" Space Pants leapt behind his new evil skeleton. "Stop that!"

Keeping his eye on the prize, Zumies turned his attention towards the collection of items surrounding the iron dragon sculpture. The sculpture appeared to be an altar of sorts, with the items serving as offerings left behind. The first item on the floor in front of him was a human leather bracelet.

"Oh... uh, oh."

Edward, the human bard, perked up. "Did you say something?"

"Uhh..." Zumies hesitated for only a moment before his greed overcame his sense of decency. He held the human leather bracelet up to Edward. "Here, can you identify this?"

"What the-- are you serious??"

"Yikes," said Alefgard. "Read the room, buddy."

Zumies shrugged. "I just think it's neat."

Among the other trinkets left as offering were +chalk flutes+, -chalk harps-, and +gypsum trumpets+. The only items of note were a human bone amulet, and an -aluminum toy boat-.

"We're gonna be here a while if we're identifying all of this," said Alefgard.

"Let me help," said Bubb, casting Detect Magic. They could soon see that none of the items left as offering had any magic to them, but the iron statue was magical - and, something magical could be seen glowing through a compartment in the bottom of the statue.

"Look, there - this statue conceals an item!" Bubb inspected the statue closer, focusing especially on the tray and the scorch marks within. Up close, the fly-infested warforged could see sapphires set in its eyes.

"I bet it's gonna breathe fire on you," said Meepo.

Bubb poured a small amount of oil into the tray and lit it with a tinderbox. The oil burned, but nothing happened.

"Perhaps an offering is required first," said Sergei. After the fire went out, he stepped forward and placed the sapphire he found in the snake's nest in the plate. Nothing happened. "...Perhaps this was not the right course of action."

"It's not enough," said Alefgard.

"Yeah, maybe it has to be worth more," said Meepo.

"Cutter 4... no, 5... Evil Cutter, get in there." Evil Cutter stood silently staring at Space Pants, unable to comprehend his orders. "Great, another dud. Evil Cutter's the worst."

Sergei pulled out a handful of small sapphires he'd collected along the way and started placing them one at a time onto the tray. He placed another, and another, and another, totaling about 80g.

"Okay, now I'll light it on fire," said Bubb.

"No, wait! Not yet..." Sergei placed two more small sapphires, bringing the pile's worth up to 100g. The statue's sapphire eyes lit up, glowing sky blue.

"...Now?"

"Wait." Sergei dropped another small sapphire onto the plate, but nothing changed. Then, he drew forth a sapphire necklace that he had found earlier, worth 80g in its own right, and threw that onto the pile.

Zumies eyes bugged out of his head. "Where did you... wait, not that!"

"...And now I light it on fire!" Bubb doused the gems in oil again, stopping the dragonborn from throwing any more of his wealth onto the offering, now worth 190g in total. As he lit the fire the flames turned blue, and the sconces changed to burn blue once again. A few moments later, the flames subsided - all of the gems that had been on the plate were gone, but the compartment underneath had opened.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Sweet," said ratNAROk, "you gave up money so you could pick up a trinket we can sell later."

"You basically bought that," said Space Pants.

Bubb inspected the idol under the effects of Detect Magic. "It seems to be imbued with Transmutation magic."

Sergei picked up the idol, carved into the shape of a dragon in much the same shape as a seahorse. Turning the item over in his hand, he wondered whether it was worth what he had given up. Perhaps whatever entity this was an altar to might be pleased with him.

"wow you just got ripped off," a tiny voice came from the idol.

"Oh my word, did that idol just talk?" Space Pants put his paws to his face in mock fear. "It must be a sentient item!"

"Here, throw me the idol," said Alefgard. Sergei handed it over to the wizard. He inspected the item, but could not glean anything about its history. The carvings looked completely unlike that of any culture he was aware of. Holding it between his thumb and forefinger, he realized what the item did.

"Ah, I see. If you attune to this, you'll be able to climb at a speed of 20 feet, and have an easier time holding on while climbing."

"Hm," said Sergei. "That seems most beneficial to someone who is not very athletic."

Alefgard shrugged. "Alright, I guess you mean me. I can take it, if no one else wants it."

"point me at one enemy and i'll destroy it," the voice from the idol said again.

"...Do you know what's up with that?" said Sergei.

"...I don't know, and I don't detect anything... dangerous? About this item, so I have no idea what it's talking about. Should be fun to find out one day. What's your name, idol?"

No response.

"...Okay, it's Billy. Billy Idol. Nice to meetcha."

Space Pants chuckled to himself for no particular reason. "Let's crush this egg. I've decided I don't want to do this anymore."

"What are you talking about?" said Sergei. "We just need to get this egg to Zeke and that will get us closer to claiming one of his magic items."

"Yeah, I know. I just don't want to do it anymore. I'd rather smash the egg."

"Good thing I'm holding onto it, then."

"What about the sapphires in the eyes of this statue?" said Bubb. "You could replace some of the gems you just lost."

Sergei stared into the statue's glowing eyes. "No... I think it best we leave the statue alone. It is appeased, let us not mess with that."

Space Pants attempted to pull a sconce off the wall, but after several attempts, gave up. "Alright, I'm bored. Let's burn this statue down and go get rid of the egg. ...Can we pick up that statue and take it with us?"

"Ooh, how much do you think Zeke will give us for it?" said ratNAROk.

"It seems to be bolted to the floor," said Sergei. "Does not appear likely to come up." Sergei then took a beat to search around the rest of the room. There did not appear to be any secret doors or other hidden treasures, except perhaps within the sarcophogi. Sergei thought about the last time they saw a bunch of caskets in a row. "I think it's best we move on from this room. We seem to have found everything of value."

"Fine. Then let's get back to that dirt merchant."

The party ventured back through the chasm, back to the lab area where they were attacked by Belak and his many goblins.

"Hey, he's not here!" said Edward. "Where'd that badger go?"

"Hello? Zeke?" Sergei called out. "Where have you gone? We have your egg...s."

"He did say he had to go do something," said Zumies. "We'll probably run into him later. Let's just move on."

Through the northeast door, where the bugbear had entered with his skeletons, the door leading out had been left open, giving way to a large room beyond.

Luminescent fungus grew in every crack in the walls, ceiling, and floor of this wide room. Grand bas-relief carvings, partially obscured by the fungus, show dragons raining fire down upon a panicked people. Small weedy plants grew in the thin layer of soil covering half of the engraved floor, and a nearby bench housed a variety of gardening tools.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Alefgard wasted no time peering into the engravings on the floor in search of lost fragments of history.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Oh yeah, I heard about that in elf school," Zumies said, feigning interest. "Hm, what have we here?" The half-elf rogue inspected the bench and found himself a hand sickle, small enough to be usable as a light weapon. "Ah! If I sharpen this up, it could be very deadly."

"Just can't help yourself, eh elf?" Space Pants said. "Stealin' in broad daylight. Can't say I'm surprised."

Zumies nodded towards the bush against the north wall. "Why don't you have some catnip and settle down?"

"Catnip?" Space Pants turned to look. Sure enough, some unidentified form of catnip was growing right nearby! "Finally! I thought I was going to run out."

"You sure aren't using it like you're going to run out soon!"

"I didn't say 'soon,' I just meant eventually. I'll always need more. This place is stressful. You guys are stressful."

"Boo," said Bubb.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Draped over Bubb's shoulder was the skeleton of the fire snake he'd melted earlier. Space Pants nearly jumped clean out of his fur. "Don't-- don't do that!! Bad Cutter 3!"

[KenboCalrissian]

Hello, Readers! Community Fort Challenge, AMA, and Chat Incoming!!

Would anyone like to have an impact on this campaign in the near future? Have some feedback on the game or the storytelling? Got a question for a player? Then stop by *SPOILER WARNING* Here, at the end of the Severedcoils thread, where the floor is open while we wait for The Sunken Citadel to catch up to it.

Be advised, though, that clicking this link means spoiling yourself on what awaits the party at Severedcoils!

I've had a Community Challenge listed here for some time, but so far only one person has taken up the offer. Anyone who's currently reading this, I invite you to check this out if you want to have a direct impact on an upcoming game event.

Otherwise, if you have anything else you'd like to say but have been holding back for a reasonable break in the story, now's a good time. You may make a comment over at the Severedcoils instead, using the link above. Severedcoils is on hiatus until this story catches up to it, and that thread has seen plenty of periods of chat activity in its past, so you won't really be disrupting the flow of anything by doing so over there. All I ask is that you don't speak of anything in the Severedcoils thread in this thread, because my players do read this thread from time to time but not the other. Thanks!

[Quietust]

I've had a Community Challenge listed *SPOILER WARNING* Here, at the end of the Severedcoils thread, but so far only one person has taken up the offer.

To be honest, I was hoping that other readers would (rightly) recognize my suggestions as overly bland/generic and be inspired to post suggestions that were actually creative and interesting. Hopefully there's still a chance of that happening.

[KenboCalrissian]

10 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Afternoon)
=============

"Luminescent mist... octagonal chamber... glowing fungus... reeking of moss and rot..."

"Meepo!" ratNAROk prodded the napping kobold with the butt of his axe.

"Wha-- whatsit!! I think the gods read the wrong room in my dreams!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I don't know!!"

"Do you ever?"

"...No!"

The walls glowed purple from nodules of luminescent fungus hanging from the walls. Alefgard scuffed aside the mud and mush from underfoot to inspect another engraving, and gasped:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"What is with these guys?!" Alefgard exclaimed, nearly retching. "The dragonpriests were elven-- right?? I mean, yes, there was a ton of war up here in the Northwest of the world, but why celebrate so much of their own defeat?"

"To remember," said Sergei, sternly. "So much death... these elves must have suffered a terrible defeat indeed. They sought the favor of the dragons, revering them as gods, sacrificing much that was likely dear to them in the hopes that they'd answer their prayers. And as they carved their halls, they imbued them with tears for their fallen, so that each time they walk by they are reminded of the rage and the fire in their hearts that must not go out until recompense is claimed."

"...How do you know that?"

"I don't. But it's what I would've done."

The gallery room they were in had four doors - there was the door to the northwest that they had come in through, a door north of that, one to the east, and one to the south.

"Which way did that merchant go?" said Meepo. "I bet he went north. We haven't gone north enough, let's go north."

"...He is absolutely right," said ratNAROk, "it's been a really long time since we went north! Let's go that way!"

"Cutter 5," said Space Pants, "Get in there."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The next room looked very similar to the one they were coming out of. At the other end of the hall was a bugbear with four skeletal gardeners in tow. Their backs were turned. The bugbear seemed to be having trouble opening the north door.

Sergei opened the door and took a step inside. Cutter 5 walked in and, obeying Space Pants' orders, continued walking.

"Space Pants, there are enemies ahead!" said Meepo, as the kobold king squeezed between the big dragonborn's legs to stand next to him. "Call Cutter back!"

"Cutter, I'll let you take that move back, if you want," said Space Pants.

The skeleton stopped in its tracks, then turned around to stare at the cat.

"Cutter, I said get in there," Space Pants demanded suddenly. "I'm breaking the fourth wall a little bit, but just do it."

At the sound of the sorceror's voice and the skeleton's clattering approach, the bugbear turned around. They recognized him as the same bugbear who had come upon them while they were resting.

"Stop, stop!" The bugbear took two steps forward and waved his hands in the air. "We surrender!"

"...You surrender to Meepo?!" said Meepo.

"Yeah, dudes. These goblins are done. We bugbears are out. Let us out. You're gonna kill them all, we're just gardeners, we don't want to die. Just let us out, and we won't give you any trouble."

"Give us your money," said Space Pants, squeezing between Sergei's legs as well to stand on the other side of the dragonborn. "Throw your coinpurse on the ground and leave."

The bugbear reached down to his belt and untied a pouch from it. He pulled his arm back up as if to throw the pouch, then hesitated, looking at the pouch. Grumbling, the bugbear eventually tossed his coinpurse onto the floor in front of the party. "All of us. Right?"

"Yeah, yeah. Everybody can just leave their money and go," said the felis. "No problem. Bye, everybody."

"Yeah, great... uh... okay..."

"We could just kill ya, if you wanna stick around."

"No! No, no, that's okay, um... Alright, guys, come on out."

One by one, four more bugbears rose from the bushes on either side of the party, their hands up and empty and scythes on the ground.

"Hey, I see three more bugbears," said Space Pants, miscounting. "I'd better see three more coin purses."

"Four," Meepo corrected.

"Four, thank you, nervous lizard chum" said Space Pants. "I'd better see five coin purses total here in... How long is an action? Six seconds."

Muttering, grumbling, and avoiding the cat's gaze, a couple of the bugbears dropped their coin purses as they skulked by.

"Not enough pouches!" Meepo shrieked.

"That's three," said Space Pants. "Three of you can leave. The other two better come up with some pouches."

"You're holding one already," said Sergei, cocking an eyebrow.

"I'm a cat," said Space Pants, "I'm too busy to count. Fine, that's four, four of you can leave."

"Before you go," said Zumies, "I want to ask you about this tree, the one with the apple. Where are you hiding it?"

"No one cares about your stupid tree," said Space Pants.

"It's only the entire goal of your quest here," said Meepo, "isn't it?"

"Stick to your catnip," said Zumies. "You've done enough talking for now."

The bugbear they had been talking to from the start stood before them with the last bugbear who didn't have a coinpurse. "I assume you're here for the magic apple," said the bugbear, distracting the party as three of the bugbears snuck past them, with the skeleton gardeners right behind. "Well, you're a few days early. It doesn't grow until the solstice. You've got another five days before that happens."

"That is fine," said Sergei, "we'll just take three."

"You don't get it," said the bugbear. "The tree only produces two apples per year - a red one on the summer solstice, and a white one in winter. There is, and only will be, just the one, for at least another six months if you miss it."

"I'm a cat," said Space Pants, "I'm really good at counting and already figured that out."

"We tried to protest, and they wouldn't back down. But we're not fighting to the death for them, man! We're gardeners, not fighters!"

ratNAROk laughed. "Bugbears on strike. I love it."

"Get out," said Space Pants. "Just get out."

The bugbears started to leave.

"Wait, wait, where you goin'?" Space Pants jumped in front of them. "We're still missin' a pouch."

ratNAROk eyed the skeleton gardeners sneaking by to escape, inspecting the long gardening hoes each carried, and put a hand on his axe. "Drop your hoes."

The skeletons stopped, and looked at the first bugbear. He nodded, and the skeletons dropped their tools and kept shambling by.

Space Pants jabbed a paw in Erky's direction. "You see this guy right here? Last bugbear that didn't give him his pouch, he's wearin' his face right now."

Erky scratched his nose. "But I'm not wearing anything over my... Hey!"

"Erky imagined running towards Space Pants in a field of flowers, embracing one another as lost friends from old times long past would, and crying openly as they shared their deepest vulnerabilities with one another in a heart-to-heart reunion that lasted for hours and hours, and ended with a lifetime of laughter and wonder," said the disembodied voice of Momuz Freeman.

"What the-- You worked way too hard on that one!" Erky cried.

"I have no idea what you're talking about," said Space Pants.

The last bugbear, trying not to quiver, said, "I don't... I don't have a pouch. I have nothing."

"Alright, then," said Space Pants. "Drop your cloak."

"What?!"

"You heard me. You don't have a pouch, right? Well then, you must have nothin' to hide! Leave everything you're wearing, and you can go."

"I will not-- this is degrading!"

"Erky, help him out of his robes."

"I, uh... No. That's gross."

"Come on, man, don't do this," pleaded the bugbear.

Space Pants stepped forward. He was living for this. "I'll give you three choices: A pouch, all your clothes, or your life. Which is it gonna be?"

"Look, I'm not hiding anything." The bugbear flapped open his robe to show his belt.

"What's that?" said Space Pants, pointing at a silver clip on one side.

"This-- aw, @#$%!" The bugbear cursed loudly. Reluctantly, he removed the clipped item. It was a silver hair pin with a sapphire set in it. "...Will this... be enough?"

"Yep, that's fine. Toss it on the ground and have a nice day."

The two bugbears looked at each other, their gaze hardening. At length, he stared Space Pants in the eyes, memorizing the cat's face, before finally chucking the hairpin at the ground angrily. Without another word, the first and the last bugbear stormed out of the room together, leaving the party alone with their actions.

"I've accepted that we're not the heroes," said ratNAROk. "It's taken 'til now."

The party stood around in silence, looking awkwardly at each other, at the pouches, at the door where the bugbears went, anywhere but at themselves.

"Alright," said Space Pants, "how much gold did we get?"

"Man, I wanted to kill 'em all," said Zumies.

"This is milestone experience," reminded Meepo.

"There's experience in this?"

"...You know what, nevermind."

"You guys are killin' me," said Alefgard. "What's in the pouches? Did they drop a jelly donut punch card?"

Space Pants was already dumping the pouches onto the ground. "Anybody good at coin math? I don't feel like counting this."

Altogether, the pouches contained 23 silver, 11 copper, and a button. The button was almost solid black as obsidian, save for one small, white marbled stripe across the center.

"You guys can take all the money," said Zumies. "I'll just take the button."

"Really?" said Edward, shrugging. "Alright, then. Want me to at least Identify it?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah! Great idea!"

Alefgard raised an eyebrow, confused by Zumies' odd request. He made a mental note to himself, but said nothing.

"So, where's this apple?" said Space Pants.

"You just said you didn't give a @#$%! about the tree!!" cried Meepo.

"So which way is the tree?" said Zumies. "Those bugbears didn't answer that when I asked 'em."

"Ah, what if we send Cutter to go bring one of those bugbears back?"

"I was totally gonna suggest that!" said Meepo.

"Again?!" said Edward.

Zumies knelt down to the ground, and picked up a pair of fisher berries growing from the loose soil. "Huh, maybe these are magical too. I'll hang onto these for when we stop to Identify stuff."

"...You've already forgotten what we were just talking about, haven't you?"

"First rule of thievin'," said Zumies, "grab it first and it's yours. Were you sayin' something?"

"...Wow, this is... I'm gonna just walk away," said the bard, tiptoeing past the rogue.

Zumies shrugged, and headed for the north door. The olivine door was locked. "Humm..." First, the half-elf took out the dragon-crested Noble's key, but it would not fit inside the keyhole.

"I get the feeling we won't need that key anymore," said Sergei.

"Yeah, you're probably right. Still cool, though." Zumies slipped the key back into his pocket.

Space Pants shook his head at Zumies. "How embarrassing for you. The rogue, ladies and gentlemen, tried to unlock a door using a key he's already used, and failed. Great job, elf. Really reaching to the bottom of your reportoire for us here."

Zumies ignored Space Pants. "Welp, there's always 'plan B.'" The rogue took out his thieves' tools and carefully picked the lock. The latch opened silently.

"Good, good," Sergei whispered. "Now, slooowly open the--"

Zumies stood to the side and shoved open the door.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Luminescent mist shrouded the room in a faint purple glow. The octagonal chamber before Zumies was covered with a peat floor, dotted with glowing fungus. The humidity of the room was overpowering, reeking of moss and rot.

"Huh?!" The badger merchant whipped his head around towards the door. "I thought I locked that-- oh! It's you guys!"

"All kinds of stuff in here," said Zumies, ignoring Zeke entirely to instead inspect a +Pine bucket+ on the floor at his feet.

"Zeke!" Meepo shouted with glee.

"Hey, Zeke!" said ratNAROk. "Don't mind Zumies; He's got a one-track mind, but tonight, it seems one of his wheels has come off the track."

"Is it 'night' already?" Zeke looked at a device strapped to his wrist. "No. No, it's only 2:30."

Edward blinked. "Huh? What's that?"

The badger winced. "G'yah- I mean... uh, it's a little earlier than that! Heh heh!"

"Good news, Zeke!" Space Pants marched into the chamber and stepped right up to the badger's camp fire. "I found all your snake eggs for ya."

"Oh, wonderful!" Zeke licked his lips. "How many did you get?"

Space Pants crossed his arms and turned back towards the party. "I dunno... Guys, how many did we get?"

"Uh, I have one," said Sergei.

Silence.

"...Uh," Zeke said at last, "you got one?"

"We got more," said Sergei, "but I only have one on my person."

"I would've gotten you a snake," said ratNAROk, forlorn.

"Show him your hand," said Space Pants.

ratNAROk held up his charred palm. Zeke's face would have turned white were it not for his black fur. "Yikes! Don't worry, I think I have something that can take care of that." The badger walked forward, pulling out from a pouch on his side a round container. Bubb recognized this container, as he had one himself; A jar of Keoghtom's Ointment. Zeke swabbed a glob of the healing goo onto ratNAROk's hand. In moments, the skin knitted itself together, and ratNAROk was able to bend his fingers again.

"Aw, rats, I can feel things again."

"...You're welcome. So, you got just the one egg, then?"

"We definitely got another, right guys?" said Meepo.

"The second nest only had broken eggs," said Zumies.

"And the hole only had angry babies," said ratNAROk.

"Oh... We got one!" exclaimed Meepo.

Zeke sighed. "You guys didn't check the room next door, didja?"

"Uhh..." Sergei glanced at the door to their right. "We were really feeling 'north' today."

"Thought so, it's been quiet. That door over there is where they keep the domesticated snakes. That's where I thought you guys were gonna go."

"We found our eggs in a cave way down to the south," said Meepo.

"You mean 'egg,'" said Zeke with a frown. "So, you got one of the wild ones, huh? I've never tried those before. Wonder how it'll taste... but one isn't really enough for much, to be frank."

"Wait, the eggs are right next door?" said Space Pants. "Why'd you send us to go get 'em when you could just walk in and grab 'em yourself?"

"Because I didn't feel like it, obviously," said Zeke.

"We can go back," said Meepo. "It's right there, you can wait here for five minutes, right?"

"If our one egg's no good for ya," said ratNAROk, "we'll just take it back."

"Cutter, go get eggs," said Space Pants. The skeleton walked over to the door and waited.

Zeke cracked his neck and stretched. "You know what... I could use a workout. A nest of fire snakes is a bit much for me to take on by myself, but with you guys, this should be a walk in the park. Let's go get those eggs."

Zumies suddenly snapped to attention, and looked at the badger as if seeing him for the first time. "He's coming with us? Cool! Let's go, Zeke."

With that, the rogue headed over towards the door Zeke had indicated to inspect it for traps. While Zumies did that, ratNAROk said to Zeke, "Oi, wot's the big idea locking doors in the dungeon? Kind of a chump move."

"Oh, man." Zeke shook his head. "You would not believe these stupid goblins. First, they come in trying to sell me junk - says he's got some rare dragon artifact, it's a piece of wood covered in rat fur stuck on with chewed up prickle berries."

"Ew."

"Yeah, and while they had me distracted, they tried to sneak out of my sett with that killer mask without payin' for it. That's why I had to kill 'em all, naturally."

"Wait, wait, wait, wait," said ratNAROk. "Slow down. Are ye tellin' me... that you don't just... cut their heads off?"

"I mean, I did, one or two of 'em--"

"Yeah, but ye were tryin' to deal with 'em first?"

"Yeah, I don't understand," said Space Pants, "Why don't you just kill them on sight like everybody else does?"

"It's kind of hard for a business to survive if I kill all of my potential customers before they have a chance to give me their money! Besides, I did end up killing them, since, again, they tried to rob me. That's why I locked everything up - see, I was hoping to cook 'em up with a little passive aggression to see if they'd come crawling back with something worthwhile. But, one thing's for sure, I'm not looking forward to seeing whatever tricks they've got up their sleeve next time."

"I get it now," said Space Pants, his eyes lighting up with a new purpose. "He didn't just cut their heads off... He sold them stuff, and then he cut their heads off. The man's an inspiration and a legend."

"Ah, got it!" said ratNAROk, snapping his fingers. "So then, it's not stealing!"

"Yep! A true work of genius, I tell ya."

"Uhh... Sure, let's go with that," the badger said uneasily.

"Erky just stood there, like a boob," said Momuz Freeman's voice in Erky's head.

"Quit it!"

Zeke backed away. "Is he... alright?"

"He's Erky," said Space Pants, "That's all you need to understand. It'll make sense later."

Meepo healed himself, and then healed Zumies as well with Cure Wounds. "So, wait, Mr. Badger, if you're going to help us get the eggs, will you still give us the same discount?"

Zeke rubbed the back of his neck. "I mean, normally I do charge for mercenary services, and you're kinda hiring me to do my own job, sooo..."

"So, yes?"

"We'll work it out later," Zeke shrugged. "Don't worry, I'll take care of you guys."

"Oh, well... alright, if you say so!"

"Don't worry about the mercenary stuff," said Space Pants, pointing at Erky. "Leave that to this psychopath."

"Pfft. Coming from the 'felonous feline...'"

"Erky felt the need to kill. Erky needed to kill."

Erky stared at Space Pants, and nodded to the voice of Momuz Freeman in his head. "Hmm... Hm, yes, perhaps... Just one, if only one..."

Space Pants snapped his paws in Erky's face, pretending not to notice what the gnome had said in his direction. "Hey, hey goblin slayer. I'm over here."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"...You cast Minor Illusion to paint an outline of where you were standing five seconds ago."

"Yeah, you crazy gnome, you were looking at me like you looked at those goblins. Now pay attention, we're gonna open the door now."

Erky just stood back and smiled. Two can play at this game, cat. You'll see.

Sergei braced himself as he opened the east door. The octagonal room within was similar to the one Zeke was camping in, but smelled of sulfur and ash. Burnt and smoldering shrubbery dotted the dirt floor of the room, and like the snake nest before, small holes dotted the ground everywhere where the creatures might lie in wait.

Zumies and Meepo scanned the room, looking and listening for signs of trouble. "Seems quiet," the rogue whispered. Cautiously, Zumies stepped into the room, and stopped to inspect a patch of mushrooms growing in a corner. One of the mushrooms had a green cap segmented into four parts, causing it to look like a clover. "Hm, what have we here? I think I recognize this one. Let's pick it and try it out later."

"For a rogue, you're not very quiet when you take things," said Meepo.

"Every great thief knows the value of great exposition," said the half-elf.

Space Pants poked his head around the frame of the door. "Are there any snakes in there?"

At the sound of the cat's voice, the ground shook, and the dirt turned as fire snakes beneath roused to defend their nest. Two fire snakes popped up from the ground, periscoping up from the dirt to assess the situation.

"Yep. I'll be in my office." Space Pants climbed to the top of the nearest shrub and hid there.

Zeke pushed a button on a device on his belt. Ominous music started playing from the device that turned heavier, aggressive, metal, electronic. Edward was taken aback - he had never heard music like that before! What instruments existed that could make such sound? It mattered not, though - as the music rose in tempo, so did Zeke's temper.

"Rrrgh... Rrrgh!!... Arrghh!!!"

"Oi! He's a barbarian too!" said ratNAROk.

"He's no barbarian," said Sergei. "He's a badger."

Zeke charged in with sword and open claw, and latched onto the first snake he could reach with his bare claw. The heat from the fire snake's body caused his flesh to peel, but the enraged badger could hardly feel it. He Grappled the snake into submission, gaining Advantage from the adrenaline coursing through his veins as he Raged. Trained in the Grappler style as an Unarmed Specialist, he also gained Advantage to continue his assault as held the snake rigid and hacked at its neck with his sword.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Rragh!!" The badger roared with ferocity, terrifying the snake with a Menacing Strike. He hacked again, using his advantage to strike at the snake's vitals with a Sneak Attack.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Ker-chunk. The bizarrely-shaped, plasma-tipped sword cleaved clean through the snake's neck, leaving its body to slump to the ground as Zeke held onto its severed head up high. He stretched his arm out to full length, held it there a moment, then let the snake's head fall unceremoniously to the floor.

"Are ye sure he's not a barbarian?!"

"I'm sure the merchant would be happy to trade notes with you after this is all over, ratNAROk!"

"We should just all step back and wait for him to kill the other one," said Meepo.

Edward stood still with his jaw hanging open.

"Has it been ten minutes yet?" said Zumies.

"...What?!"

"For the button. Has it been ten minutes yet for Identifying the button?"

Edward's eyes bugged out of his head. "We just started a fight, dude! We haven't sat down to rest yet! We need to sit still for ten minutes, at least for me to do that. Did you think it just happens ten physical, real-world minutes from the moment I declared I was going to do it?!"

"You should just let him have it," said Alefgard. "He's been very patient."

The bard raised an eyebrow, glanced over at Zeke and the dismembered snake, then back at Zumies. "Uh, wow, okay. Um, it's not magical, but there's an insignia on the back of some noble family. Not from around here, though, I'd have to look it up."

"Wow, cool. Thanks!"

"...Yeah, any time. Literally."

Space Pants stays hidden in his tree. Cutter 5 dances to the ragecore synth music playing from Zeke's futuristic device. Space Pants does cat nip.

"Come on, puny weaklings!" Sergei roared. "We're not getting paid to watch!" The dragonborn rushed in and slashed at the second fire snake. Meepo targeted it with Toll the Dead, but the snake still thrashed and writhed.

Erky started to run in, but stopped. He felt a rumble in the ground and, looking around, saw the dirt was becoming disturbed in several places around the room.

"Uhh... hey, guys! Heads up!!"

Suddenly, the ground erupted as more fire snakes burst up from the ground and attacked! One caught Zumies off guard and attacked the rogue with a bite and a tail attack...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The snake tossed Zumies up into the air with its teeth and thwacked him mid-air with its tail. The half-elf fell to the ground like a sack of fried potatoes.

"Ooof!!" ratNAROk turned away. "That looked like it really hurt..."

"Zumies-- oof!" Alefgard was clotheslined by the tail of a fire snake. Another, separate fire snake tackled Edward, driving its teeth into the bard's elbow with a Critical Strike. "Knock it off, stupid snakes!" Alefgard shot out an Ice Knife point-blank, sending shards of ice through the two nearest snakes - and himself. The snakes recoiled from the chill of the blast - one even fell outright! Alefgard lifted his newly shredded robes. "Ah, nuts. That was stupid."

"Much appreciated, though!" Edward said, standing up to a much weaker fire snake.

"Ouch! Next time, try not to sit in your own brand, Alefgard," said ratNAROk. "How you doin'?"

"I'm barely hanging on, to be quite frank."

"Cool, I can't do anything about that." ratNAROk raised his scimitars and slashed with all his might, attacking Recklessly and landing another Critical with his Divine Fury. He plunged both scimitars into its neck, reached his own head into its mouth, and bit its tongue out, even as the heat from the fire snake's mouth singed his entire head while doing so.

"It's still hot!" said Meepo. "You big show-off!"

"Healers hate him!" said ratNAROk, "What's his secret?"

Another snake lunged at Zeke, but the badger warrior saw it coming and was able to dodge away from it with Defensive Duelist. "Oh, no you don't!"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Art by @KenboCalrissian

Seeing Zumies fall behind him to a pair of burrowed enemies, Zeke's first instinct, while still Raging, was to pull the attention of both snakes away from the fallen rogue. Zeke grabbed one of the snakes by the throat with his free hand and, with his unspoken experience as a Tavern Brawler, used one snake as an improvised weapon to whip the other with its body. The cracking of the improvised fire-snake-whip dealt both snakes a fair amount of damage. The badger made one last swing with his blazing sword at the one that bit Zumies, shrugging off the fire damage from the heat of both snakes.

"Alefgard, hang in there!" Edward shouted a Healing Word at the wizard as he moved into position and poked the snake attacking Alefgard with his rapier. The snake coiled and twisted away from the bard's attacks, even while flanked.

"Thanks!" said Alefgard, glancing at Zumies on the ground as his own wounds closed. "Hey, uh, did you see what was happening over there?"

"Yeah," said Edward, with a wink. "but he's not sharing my rent."

"Touching," said Alefgard. "But--"

"Relax, there are three more healers--"

"Hey, I can do that too!" shouted Erky, entering into a rage. "Hyaaaah!!"

"...two, two more healers who could still get to him. He's fine."

Erky, the cleric-turned-barbarian thanks to the meddling of Space Pants, charged in at the snake that had assaulted Zumies. As the gnome did so, the spirits of slain goblins appeared and flew around him, chanting "You killed, You killed, You killed us!!" The spirits clung to the fire snake as Erky slashed it with his scimitar, forcing the snake's attention onto him. "That's it! Look at me, you big, spicy noodle!"

"Great job, Erky," said Space Pants from the safety of the top of a shrub outside. "You tell those snakes to get off my lawn. I'm putting you on as head of my newly announced Space Pants Legal Defense Team." Space Pants conjured a Minor Illusion of a floating thought bubble containing a magnifying glass. Within the magnifying glass was an eye, and then a question mark, and then the whole thing faded away. "'We'll make all your problems disappear.'"

"I'll be sure to inform the bar association immediately," said Erky. "Is your skeleton getting in here at least?"

"Cutter 5 is doing exactly as I told him: Stand guard by this shrub and make sure no snakes attack me."

Bubb stood outside, its warforged frame inanimate. Its flies were nowhere to be seen, presumably feasting on a corpse somewhere else. Something rattled and clattered against the mechanoid's metal innards, but the warforged made no move to inspect it. Zumies made his first Death Save as the third healer of the party - or at least, the metal frame that housed it - stood there on the other side of the doorway, staring lifelessly at him from the other room, making no move at all to help him. By the time the flies of the cleric of Zokun returned, they would have one more corpse to feed upon.

"Not to worry, Meepo save the day!" Meepo channeled his Balm of Peace, chanting as he moved through the ranks and healing those he touched, healing ratNAROk, Alefgard, Edward, Zeke, Zumies, and Sergei.

The snakes thrashed in fury against their assailants, defending their nest with all they had. One struck at Sergei, but missed - the dragonborn was ready, and struck back with a Riposte. Erky was not so lucky, as the snake lured by his goblin spirits landed a solid strike with its tail and bit into Erky's shoulder. The gnome made a painful yelp that most in the party had never heard a person make before, but held on, his barbarian Rage barely keeping him from succumbing to the attack. The snake in Zeke's hand attempted to struggle free, but the enraged badger held on tight with his powerful digging claws. The snake caught between Alefgard, ratNAROk, and Edward remembered who shot it with ice, and landed two successful attacks on the wizard. Had he not been healed last round, Alefgard surely would have went down to this attack.

"Oh, so you reeeally didn't like the cold, huh?" Alefgard raised his hands and began the incantation for another Ice Knife.

"No, no, no!" said Edward. "Not here where we're all standing!"

"...I-- I knew that!" At the last moment, Alefgard turned and launched the Ice Knife between Erky, Zumies, and Zeke, striking a spot where the ice shrapnel would only hit the two snakes they were fighting. The icicles quickly extinguished both snakes, effectively ending that side of the combat. "Yeah, that's right. And they'd said I'd never make it as a wizard. Tell your friends."

"It ain't gonna get the chance!" yelled ratNAROk. The barbarian struck with both scimitars, hitting once Critically, blasting it with radiant damage from his Divine Fury. The snake burst into a pillar of white flame, and then ash.

Zumies' eyes fluttered open. In his moment of unconsciousness, he had seen a vision - an image of Zokun's Soul Catcher, the bone idol in Bubb's possession, rattling and clattering as he fell slowly closer. A safety net, ensuring the first soul to die out of those who participated in that ritual would be captured by the device to be reimplanted into the body with a simple healing spell.

"...Whoa. Let's, uh, not test that today. Time to get up and do some stabbin'." The half-elf rogue got to his feet, dashed over towards the remaining snake on Sergei, and shot it point-blank with his magic crossbow. The bolt pierced cleanly through the fire snake's hide; The weapon's magic imbued the bolt it fired with the ability to negate the snake's damage resistance, allowing the bolt to pierce clean through its face with little resistance.

"Oh! Cool!" said Zumies, inspecting Athamgim Bothonnulom, "Focustwisted the Murky Blames," the black bronze crossbow, and nodding with satisfaction. "I didn't know it could do that!"

"I think it worked like that against the wraith, too," said Meepo, as he glanced around for more enemies and found none. "Keep that in mind - whenever we fight something that resists physical damage from mundane weapons, your crossbow is magical, meaning you're able to bypass that resistance!"

"Neat," said Zumies. "Now, where are the nests? Let's gather some eggs already."

"I'm not entirely sure that message made it through," lamented Meepo. "Oh, well."

"Weren't those supposed to be the domesticated ones?" said ratNAROk.

"They are!" said Zeke, heaving as his adrenaline subsided. "...Well, were!"

"Listen 'ere, Zeke," said ratNAROk, pointing a mousey finger at him. "I want one of them eggs, y'hear me?"

Zeke smiled disarmingly. "Sure, sure! You got the eggs, it's up to you how many you want to give me towards credit for a magic item. Let's see how many we've got first, shall we?"

"You lied!" ratNAROk stepped forward, getting in Zeke's face. "Those were no different from the wild ones!"

Now, Zeke frowned. "Huh? I never said they were any different. I suggested you get the eggs from here, where they have them domesticated. I didn't say, 'go to this other nest down there to also get wild ones.' That was all on you!"

"Oh, sure," ratNAROk persisted, "You just didn't think to tell us there'd be no difference between the wild ones and the domesticated?"

"They're snakes, not dogs! What do you want me to do about it? Have a word with their tamer? That might be hard, one of us has probably killed them by now."

"Is it too late to send Cutter after those bugbears?" suggested Space Pants. "Maybe one of them will know how to train them."

"They're long gone," said Erky. "Thankfully."

"Look, everybody calm down," said Zeke, looking pointedly at ratNAROk. "You and I have something in common, friend. I see your blood boiling much the same way mine does. Relax, breathe it out. The fight's over. You hold onto that fire too long, you'll start seeing enemies where there are none."

"Ach..." The meadowguard barbarian calmed down. "Taking anger management advice from a badger. I'll have you know, I'm one-eighth honey badger."

Zeke raised an eyebrow, skeptical. "...Really, now?"

Meepo cast Cure Wounds on Erky, as Edward shook Space Pants out of his tree.

"And where were you, Space Pants?" ratNAROk turned his ire on the felis sorcerer.

"I came to help as soon as I could," said Space Pants.

"Ach," ratNAROk threw his little mouse paws up into the air. "You're the only thing I'm more mad at than this Zeke guy."

"Before you say another word on that," said Space Pants, "let's ask Zeke about how to handle compensation on this deadly assignment of his."

"Well, I did wind up helping you do it, so there's that... but, let's see how many eggs we find first, shall we?"

"You mean there's baby snakes?" Space Pants climbed back up the shrub. "You let me know how that goes."

"How much will you give us for 'em if we paint 'em first?" asked ratNAROk.

"None, I'm going to eat them." Zeke furrowed his brow. "You were just mad at me a second ago, you still want to do business?"

ratNAROk shrugged "Eh, let bygones be bygones. Let's get you some eggs."

"Okay. Awesome. Try looking under the shrubs."

"Why do I have to do it? They're your eggs."

"Okay, great." Zeke walked over to a shrub. Using his Steady Eye and an Eye for Detail, he studied the bush for a moment, then reached underneath and pulled out an egg, about the size of that of an ostrich. He handed the egg to ratNAROk. "Here you go, you can give that to me later. But gosh, here I am, collecting my own eggs and completing my own quest while I'm still figuring out how much of a discount your 'service' is worth..."

"Alright, alright, step aside," said ratNAROk. "You've made your point, merchant. If anyone wants to, erm... act like they're helping me search..."

"I'll help," said Meepo. The party spent some time digging up eggs, finding eight in total.

"Skin the sna'es 'n search 'nside," said ratNAROk with a feverish drawl. "They're obv'usly layin'."

"What's he saying?" said Space Pants. "His accent keeps changing, like he can't make up his mind on how he sounds or somethin'."

Zeke shook his head. "I'm still trying to learn your world's language, man. Don't do this to me."

One by one, the party turned towards a buzzing sound in the hallway. The flies that were Bubb had returned. As they settled into their warforged frame, the metal being creaked and sprung to life. Bubb walked into the room and, with no context as to what anyone was doing and apparently forgetting their quest entirely, promptly picked up two fire snake eggs and devoured them each, unhinging its jaw to swallow the entire egg unbroken.

"Umm--" stammered Edward, too late.

"Oh, you," said ratNAROk, stamping his little mouse foot. "You're even worse than that cowardly cat! Where've you been?"

"Munch."

Zeke checked the device on his wrist. "You mean 'lunch?'"

"Whatever you want to call it. I call it 'delicious.'"

"No, no! What are ye doin'?!" ratNAROk howled. "There's dead snakes all around! Go on, eat those! Leave the eggs to us!"

"Is he crazy?" said Space Pants, uncertain whether to be irritated or impressed. "There's snakes in those eggs."

"We should give it the eggs that are cracked and broken and stinky," said Alefgard. "I bet it would like those better. Keep it away from the rest of our good eggs."

"That's okay," said Zumies, suspiciously pulling two more eggs from under a bush and definitely not from under his cloak. "There's two more here to make up for the two Bubb just ate."

"Well, well," said Edward, "I'm surprised you didn't try to sneak off with those and claim them for yourself."

"Who, me?" said Zumies. "Nah, you've got the wrong guy."

Taking a beat, Zeke surveyed the room. No one had yet come to investigate the sounds of their fighting - and this room was full of holes in the dirt, anyway. His own burrow, when summoned via teleportation device, would be easily disguised in this room - after removing his glowing shop sign, of course. "Tell ya what, why don't we do our trading now? We've got what we need, and I'm sure you guys could use a break, right?"

[KenboCalrissian]

10 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Late Afternoon)
=============

Inside Zeke's sett, the fire was still burning in the hearth, and the deceased goblin bodies were still lying where they were slain. "Sorry, haven't had time to totally clean up the place yet. I got the blood up, at least, but, y'know, maybe a couple of gob' bodies lying around will dissuade them from robbing me again. Make yourselves at home, and let's deal!"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"What'll you give us for eight eggs?" asked Edward, charmingly.

"It's a good haul," said Zeke. "I'll give you four hundred gold in credit for 'em."

"Four hundred, is that all?" the bard pressed. "These beasts were much more difficult than we expected, and you could have told us a little more about them first. We almost lost an ally to one, after all."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"And I saved him, didn't I?" said Zeke, squaring his shoulders for a Commanding Presence. "I told you, I charge for mercenary services, too. There was some give-and-take on that one, since I helped out. I think I'm already being pretty generous, considering."

"Alright, alright," said Edward, backing down. "Fair's fair."

Space Pants stared at Zeke from afar, remaining Subtle. Zeke's ear twitched.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

WIS save...

The badger blinked twice. Then, he looked at Zumies. "You alright? You took a pretty bad tumble out there, that much is true."

"Yeah, I'm alright," said Zumies. "I'm not happy they got the drop on me like that, but, well... s'pose it was about time I had a taste of my own medicine. Now I know what it feels like when I take a monster's life by surprise."

ratNAROk eyed the rogue warily. "Uhh, is that a good thing? Sounds kinda raw."

"It's given me a much needed change in perspective and appreciation in the art of the silent take-down."

"Sooo... Good? Bad?"

"It was cool!"

"Ach. I should've known."

Zeke nodded to himself, scratching his ear. "Still, that was a pretty close call, and you were doing it for me. I suppose I could... oh, what am I doing, I'm really going to regret this... ah, staki ni'kash. I do like you guys, so... We'll say eight hundred."

Edward was beaming. "Really? You'll do eight?! That would be great!"

"We like you too," said Meepo.

"Yeah... yeah, wow, why am I doing this... yeah, okay, eight hundred it is. Let's see what happens."

The cat flashed a coy, victorious smile, then decided to double down on the party's successful negotiation. "I have a Suggestion: You should come with us. Join our group."

"You can make a portal anywhere to get to your shop, right?" said ratNAROk, in a completely different accent than he was using earlier.

"Oh, yeah! Totally."

"You should give one to us. That way, we can get to you, and you can get to us. Yeah?"

"What, a teleporter?? Oh, no no no no! I absolutely cannot do that. I told you, this technology isn't supposed to exist on this world. I can't just give it away! Besides, it doesn't fully work anyway - without knowing where in the galaxy I am, I can't set starting coordinates to get out of here with this."

"What would we have to do to get you to give us one? We could start an investment?"

"An investment?" The badger looked tired.

"Yeah. We'll put eight hundred gold towards it now, and pay you the rest later."

"Whoa, hold it!" Meepo threw his little kobold hands up. "Why you spending all our hard earned gold all at once?"

"Did we all agree to this?" said Edward.

"Just hold on there, rat," said the cat. "We also got a button, twenty-three silver, and eleven copper. Every little bit towards our downpayment chips away at the interest in the long run, you gotta use your head."

Zeke looked at Space Pants. "...A button?"

"Some guy gave it to us," said the felis sorcerer, laughing to himself. "Bunch of guys gave it to us, actually. They said we were awesome."

"That's perfect," ratNAROk laughed. "I mean-- yes, that's exactly what happened."

Space Pants looked around the tables of Zeke's wares to see if there was anything that would raise his defensive capability. He happened upon a Ring of Protection, which he may or may not have noticed before - but the cat was clever, and knew better than to ask directly for the thing he wanted. "Do you have anything that'll cure a fear of snakes? I'm asking for Cutter, of course."

Zeke, who had eyes and could see clearly what item the cat was looking at, had a pretty good idea he might have what Space Pants was looking for. "Actually, yeah. If you want to feel tougher against snakes - or anything - then nothing beats a Ring of Protection."

"Wow, do you have any?"

"...Yes, right--"

"Wow, cool, thank you!"

"Those are pretty darn rare, though, I'm afraid. That'll cost you five thousand gold."

"Five thousand gold?" Space Pants spat. "What am I, made of money? Give it to me for free."

"Ahh, no."

"You mentioned a twenty-percent discount the last time we met," said Space Pants. "Are we still good for that?"

"I did?" said Zeke. "That feels like weeks ago."

"How much have you drank between this morning and now, because that's when we talked to you," the cat said.

"None," said the badger. "If I did say that, I'm not sure what I'd said it in reference to. If you haven't noticed, I've been very loose with my prices as we go, depending on how things are vibing at the time."

"Is that so," Space Pants grumbled, recalculating his approach.

Zeke reconsidered. "How about three thousand?"

"I don't have that," Space Pants said flatly.

"Do you have an ōdachi?" asked ratNAROk. "Anything big would be nice."

"Ah, well, I haven't had time to look for new stock since we last spoke. However... Hang on, I do have something kind of whacky in the back you might like. Wait here."

Zeke moved towards the door to the east. ratNAROk followed him. The badger turned around, bothered. "Ah, sorry, no access beyond this point. I have stuff back here you guys shouldn't see. Please, step back."

"Aw, but we're pals, aren't we? You can trust me."

"Still working on that, bud. Please step back." The rodent barbarian stepped sideways, but not away. "No, back. Please. No-- you're bumping into me now, that's obviously too close."

"What's in the secret room behind the velvet curtains back there?" teased Edward.

"I told you, it's all the cool stuff I'm not allowed to show you. Now please, give me some space, my dude! I'll be back in, like, sixty seconds."

"Ugghhh. Fine." ratNAROk stomped his feet as he begrudgingly stepped away from the door. Unnoticed by all, Bubb snuck a single fly into the door as Zeke slipped in to take a peek for himself.

"He's taking too long!" said ratNAROk after ten seconds. "Where is he? I'm about to rage!!"

"Friend ratNAROk," said Sergei, "please be patient. Come, take chair. You are very small, your blood pressure can very quickly... please, have a seat."

The mouse barbarian clenched his fists, and a vein bulged out of the side of his neck. "I don't like waiting. I want my ōdachi."

"Geez, calm down, buddy." Space Pants cast Calm Emotions. "You gotta learn to chill out while we're bartering. You stress him out, he's gonna raise his prices!"

ratNAROk paused, then looked around. From somewhere in the room, a tinny song could be heard playing on a loop. "Where... is this music... coming from?!"

"I legit took a spell slot to cast Calm Emotions on you," reminded Space Pants.

"Ahhh," said ratNAROk, choosing to relax and stare at the ceiling. With dreamy eyes, the barbarian looked wistfully at Sergei and whispered, "I'm still angry."

"It's fine," said the dragonborn fighter. "Sit in chair. Breathe. Exhale the bad air, inhale the good air."

ratNAROk took a deep, deep breath. "I have... so many weapons on me right now."

"I know," said Sergei. "It's kind of hilarious."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Behind the door, Bubb's fly immediately spotted something new. Along the left wall was a string of colored lights hanging from a wire, wrapped around a peg on the wall and looping back around the corner. The lights clearly weren't natural, didn't appear to be magical, and even though it was most likely man-made, it didn't look like any modern home lighting solution Bubb had ever seen. The hallway continued a short distance to the west, revealing three doors on the north wall, and one iron door down at the very end. There was another door to the south, near the one they had entered from the common area. The lights-on-a-wire appeared to be plugged into a socket in the wall, but it was difficult to tell what exactly was going on with it.

As Zeke opened the first door on the north wall, Bubb spotted a metalsmith's forge and a woodfurnace, built of black bronze but propped up with what appeared to be prefabricated poles and panels. In the back of the room was a small, empty cubby with bits of bark on the floor, probably a place where logs were usually kept but currently held none. Zeke searched through the +Armor Bin (Willow)+, then the ≡Birchen bin≡ next to it before finding what he was looking for.

Meanwhile, out in the common area, Space Pants was rummaging through boxes left unattended that Zeke would soon have to learn not to leave unattended. "I am in like... a dark tube, or something," the cat said, his legs sticking out of the box his head was buried inside of. "Is anybody else in this really dark tube?"

"Come out of the tube," said Sergei. "You don't know where any of that has been."

Space Pants pulled his head out of the box with a plastic veterinarian's cone around his neck. "I have no idea what this is made out of. Do you think this will protect me in a fight?"

"I think it will cause enemy to stop and stare, of that much I'm sure," said Sergei. "Now come, quit fooling around before you vaporize yourself or something."

At last, Zeke returned to the common area, carrying a giant tool in both hands.

"Whatchu got? Whatchu got?" ratNAROk hopped back and forth on his feet like an excited pooch ready for a treat.

The tool in Zeke's hands was enormous - it was, in essence, a four-foot long pipe wrench, with a head as heavy as a maul and a crescent-shaped notch on its end.

"Yep, yep, yep," said ratNAROk, bouncing visibly. "How much? How much?"

Zeke put a hand out to calm ratNAROk down. "Slow down, let me explain what it does! This is something I call, 'The Nutcracker.'"

Meepo burst out laughing. "The what?!"

"Now, I know you wanted a sword, and this is pretty much the opposite. But it is big, like you asked!"

"Yeah, yeah, it's big, I like it," said ratNAROk. "How much?"

"This industrial tool is meant for a machine that you'll never see on this world. It's designed for loosening and tightening high-torque lug nuts. You don't know what those are, but long story short..." The badger turned the wrench over, showing a switch on the handle. "Push this up or down, and the notch will quarter-turn whatever's inside with enough pneumatic force to easily break a weapon, or snap a limb, or whatever else you can imagine needs a good twist."

Alefgard inspected the device with awe. "How does it... this is not magic, this is something else. Your sword, too - it's not only not-of-this-world, it's completely incomprehensible to me how such a thing functions. What do you call this?"

Zeke struggled for an explanation. "Okay, so you know how you have 'magic' weapons, right? I think instead, you would want to call these 'tech' weapons."

"'Tech' weapons?" The wizard's curiosity was piqued. "What is this 'tech?'"

"Weapons powered by battery and programmed by circuitry to produce manufactured advantages. Much like one would say a magic weapon is +1 or +2 M, a tech weapon would be described as +1 or +2 T, with the same bonus to attack and damage."

"Does it have the same ability to bypass damage reduction, like magic weapons?" asked Meepo.

"No, but it has other properties that I haven't fully discovered yet. The fey definitely don't like it, pretty much all fey are extra vulnerable to these kinds of weapons."

"You said it was powered by, wot," said ratNAROk, "a 'battery?' What's that?"

"A battery holds the juice that powers the weapon. Sometimes, it's solar charging, hand-cranked, or shaken; Sometimes, you plug it in and let it charge for a few hours; Sometimes, it's replaceable, and you throw it out and pop in a new one. There are many different kinds, but they all perform the same function: The battery stores a charge that is eventually delivered to the weapon when needed to perform its function."

"Oh, so like a wand with charges in it," said Alefgard. "How many charges can fit in it?"

"If I had to wager, I'd estimate you could get about twenty turns with this bad boy on a charge. Then you'd need to plug it in for eight hours, which... you can't do, since there's nothing for you to plug it into on your world."

"Don't you?" asked Bubb, pointedly. "You have something to 'plug it into,' don't you?"

"I do," replied the badger, nervously. "Of course, I would let you charge it here."

"So, how much is it?" said ratNAROk, impatiently.

Zeke opened his mouth to reply--

"Nevermind, I play it cool now," ratNAROk cut in. "I don't want it anymore."

"You don't want it anymore?"

"Yeah, I do. But I don't. You feel me?"

"Yeah... yeah, no, I don't. It'll be at least four thousand for this one."

"Mm-mmm," ratNAROk shook his head. "Go down."

"You're never gonna see another of these," Zeke held firm. "They're not of this world."

"Cool, cool. There's a whole bunch of other worlds. Go down."

Meepo tapped ratNAROk on the shoulder, casting Guidance to assist in his attempts at Persuasion. "Keep going! You got him on the ropes!"

ratNAROk prepared to give his closing argument, but stopped short as he saw Zeke staring him down - not aggressively, but arrestingly with his Commanding Presence.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Aw, man, I can't even beat that with Guidance!" wailed ratNAROk.

"You can't even beat that with a twenty," said Meepo.

"Yep, I tried that earlier," said Edward. "He is one tough nut to crack."

"I can't even help you at four grand," said Space Pants. "That's so far out of the ball park..."

"Alright, alright," said ratNAROk. "How about this... Do you do financing?"

Zumies laughed out loud. Zeke, with thinly veiled annoyance, said, "Go on."

"The barbarian wants to propose financing?" Edward clapped his hands. "The comedy just writes itself! I don't even have to do any work."

Meepo said, "He's about to go from pretending he didn't want it, to selling his soul for it."

"Oh! Will you take my soul? I don't need that. Is that on the table?"

Zeke looked uncomfortable. "Ahh... sorry, I don't have any need for souls right now. Kind of a rough market to get into."

"Ahh, nuts."

Zeke paused. "...Then again, hypothetically, if you did have a device that captured someone's soul and then sold it to me, then I'd have a valuable item I could probably sell at a high price to the right buyer. If you had something like that, then we'd have something to talk about."

"Ah, what you're talking about is called a 'phylactery,'" said ratNAROk. "Very hard to come by."

"Indeed."

ratNAROk felt his own coin pouch, and almost laughed at himself for thinking there might be anywhere near four thousand gold inside. "A moment, let me talk to my crew."

"Yep," said Zeke. "Take your time."

The barbarian turned to his companions. "Alright, what are we doing with the eight hundred from the fire snake eggs? We splitting it?"

"Pushy barbarian," said Edward. "I haven't even taken a good look at his wares myself, and you're trying to spend all our money on yourself!"

"But think about it, fellas! One big, powerful weapon for the big, powerful fighter means the whole group benefits from me tanking more baddies!"

"I'm the fighter," said Sergei. "You are one of two-and-a-half barbarians."

"Is it two half-barbarians? Erky's a cleric/barbarian, right?"

"Well, first off, Zeke is no true barbarian," said Sergei, resting an elbow on his Shield of the Sentinel. Emblazoned with an eye on its front, it has been the source of his Advantage on Initiative and Perception since the beginning. "His battle rage seems to be a blessing from his badger heritage, and one he has clearly taken full advantage of in his style. But it comes from his species, not his class.  Erky, on the other hand, has indeed embraced the path of the barbarian... in a very special way."

"I don't understand," said Edward. "What do you mean, 'class?'"

"So far, all of us have specialized in a single school of martial or magical practice - a 'class,' if you will. However, it is possible to walk two or more paths at once, dabbling in the arts of other 'classes.' This is called 'multi-classing.'"

"You're losing me," said the bard. "We're talking real life, not some dragon-game, right?"

The dragonborn snorted puffs of flames from his nostrils. "Just... bear with me here, please, while I partake of the wisdom of my dragon people. Normally, taking on a new class is an additive feature. Let's say tomorrow, you found yourself a patron and decided to become a warlock. You'd be a 4 Bard / 1 Warlock, effectively."

"Again, with the numbers - quit gamifying my life!"

"These are ancient battlefield tactics of dragonkind!" said Sergei, exasperated. "An abstraction. Think of it as an analogy. You are good with stories, you know what an analogy is, right?"

"Yes, and what you're describing is more like a metaphor."

"...You just used an analogy, not a metaphor!"

"Yes! You were supposed to laugh at the joke, not explain it!"

"I hope I am not wasting my time explaining this to you..." The dragonborn went on. "Anyway, you get my point - the new skills you gain are added in addition to those you already have. You neither gain more experience as a bard, nor gain all the experience of a fifth-level warlock."

"Okay, in this... extremely hypothetical scenario you've come up with, that all makes perfect sense. So Erky is, what... 3 Cleric / 1 Barbarian, in this war game of yours?"

"No. A barbarian as recent as he is should not already possess the ability to command the spirits of goblins as he has already, not while also wielding magic as a cleric of the same strength. He and Zeke have unlocked something different. Something more powerful that we've seen only in individuals who have survived unimaginable duress."

"Who, Erky?" said Space Pants who, while a moment prior had something witty to say, changed his tune as he noticed the gnome speaking to the badger in private while the rest of them were huddled together. "Oh, he has no idea..."

"I've seen it in the badger's eyes, too," said Sergei. "Last evening, as he sat by the fire. He's known many people in his past, none of whom are here. He's an alien, alone and stranded on a world far behind his own technologically. By his account, this is not the first time this has happened."

"So, what does that mean? In 'game terms?'"

"It means that, rather than multi-classing by normal means, their overcoming of a great inner-turmoil has unlocked for them a power that we call the 'Gestalt multi-class.' Instead of adding new abilities to their existing repertoire, in a moment of great personal strife one might suddenly unlock all the features of another class, and gain the best of both."

"Soo, that means..."

"That means Erky is a cleric that gains a barbarian's vigor, a cleric's skills, and all the abilities of rage and spellcasting each has to offer. He's not a 3 Cleric / 1 Barbarian; He's a 4 (Cleric/Barbarian), with all the best features of both at each level."

"...That's cheating," said Edward. "I mean-- if we were playing a game, that is."

"Well, call it what you will, it is reality. And Zeke, our badger friend there... I watch him fight. He is Gestalt too. (Fighter/Rogue), at least a 10."

"Wait a minute," said the bard. "A 3 Cleric/1 Barbarian would still be considered a '4,' right? It evens out. But not with these Gestalts. A 4 (Cleric/Barbarian) is stronger than a '4,' right?"

"That is correct - it is not doubled, he would not be as strong as an '8.' Maybe a '5,' possibly even a '6' or so, it is difficult to gauge. But a '10,' like Zeke? Who knows? They get exponentially stronger the higher they go."

"So that means we'd better keep the dirt merchant on our good side," said Space Pants. "For now."

"It also means you've created a monster in Erky," said Sergei, "and maybe you should find a way onto his good side before he grows too powerful for you to stop."

Edward and Space Pants both laughed in Sergei's face. "Hoo, boy!" said the cat. "You really had me goin' there, scalemaster. Can you even imagine, like, a Super Erky just going full scorched-Buzong on all of us? Wouldn't that be amazing?"

"I've been nice to him," said Meepo. "So, at least he'll probably kill me last."

"Hey, are we still trading?" Zeke waved over to the huddled group of adventurers.

"Oh, shoot! We forgot to talk about prices!" said ratNAROk. The barbarian hefted his silvered, masterwork greataxe, as the party lifted their heads from their huddle. "Aye, yes... How much would you be willing to accept for this as trade?"

"Ooh! Masterwork, silvered..." The badger nodded with appreciation. "Not magical, though. Hm, I gotta do some calculation here... It's still a long ways off from four thousand."

Bubb raised a metallic arm, pointed at Zeke, and cast Command: "Discount."

Zeke's mouth hung open for a moment. "Two thousand." Then, six seconds later, the spell wore off. The badger shook his head and snarled. "Hey, are you casting spells on me?! Not cool!"

Just as it seemed a fight was about to break out, Bubb, Sergei, and Zeke suddenly settled down and relaxed, deciding all at once to be totally chill with one another. "Eh," said Zeke, "you know what? Forget it. Let's just move on."

"Yes," said Space Pants, a Subtle gleam in his eye. "Of course. Let us resume these negotiations with Calm Emotions."

"So back to my question," said ratNAROk. "Financing?"

"Ah, right. Um, what do you propose?"

"What's your rate?"

Zeke was starting to get annoyed. "The real question is, when am I going to see you guys again? It's not exactly easy to stay in contact in a world like this, so how do I know you'll ever get around to keeping up your payments?"

"Well, you would if you gave us a way to get back here, now wouldn't ye?" The barbarian pointed again at the teleporter on Zeke's belt. "Like one o' those?"

"Your proposal is that I give to you, for free, a priceless device that should not even exist on this world, so you can pay off a loan for another device that shouldn't exist on this world. That you're probably going to use to clobber people with."

"No, see, that's where you're wrong! I am going to clobber people with it, as a certainty!"

"Give him 10% down and 4% on the big," said Space Pants. "Every day he doesn't see ya... Bigger."

"I'll give you 177 gold for that Nutcracker right now, what do you say?"

"...Uhm--"

"Plus, the axe."

"...So--"

"Plus, this platinum flute!"

Zeke waited to be sure the meadowguard was finished. "You might not like this, but the only way I could possibly consider a 'financing' option would be, as you say, if we had a way to get back in contact with one another, and that means first I'm going to have to sell you something that's pretty rare."

"Yes, with a teleporter!"

"No, with this!" Zeke turned around and rummaged through the box Space Pants was digging in earlier. He eventually pulled out a device that looked just like the one on his belt that was playing music during battle. "Alright, check this out. This is what we call a cell phone. Normally, these function with these big towers that you're never going to see on your world, but this particular model has a short-range function that lets it connect directly to your contacts so long as they're within a hundred miles!"

"What's a 'mile?'" said Edward.

"Oh, ah... shoot, what's your unit of measurement here? 'Urists?'"

"A hundred urists isn't very far," said Alefgard. "I could speak briskly at that distance and you'd hear me."

"Alright, well, whatever it is, it's a lot farther than that. Point is, I have one of these myself, so if I sell you this one, we'll be able to call each other up any time and arrange a meeting for your next payment. But I do need you to purchase this phone first - and I'm sorry, it feels smarmy for me to make you buy something else in advance, but that's the only way I could consider a financing option like you're proposing. Best I can do is be up front with you on that."

"Will you do financing on the phone?"

"...No, I can't do financing on the phone. Too easy for me to never see you again with that, not to mention it's too deep an investment for me."

"Aw, nuts. How much is it then?"

Zeke thought about it as he turned the phone over in his digging claws. "I would let this go... considering it's to do further business with you in the future... for five hundred gold."

"How many more phones do you have?" asked Space Pants. "In case we all want to call each other?"

"Just what I need," said Zumies. "Space Pants calling me in the middle of the night because he has a question."

"Is there a family plan?" asked Alefgard.

"Yes, sell us the family plan," added Space Pants.

"I had a friend back when I was a kid, named 'Spam,'" Zumies went on. "He used to bother me twenty-seven times a day. I beg of you, do not sell this man a phone."

"Guys, huddle!" ratNAROk called everyone together again. "This one's easy! We'll just sell his data and make our money back right quick!"

"What are you all talking about?!" cried Edward. "How do you guys already know how this thing works?"

"I only have two more for sale," Zeke blurted out, "besides my own. So there are four total cell phones in this entire world, and I currently own them all."

"...Family discount?" said ratNAROk.

"That's a really bad deal for me, unfortunately. I'd like to spread my contacts wider than this one circle right here - to do that, I'd rather sell those phones to other people."

"I thought you said you were trying to keep this tech on the down-low," accused Alefgard. "Not spread it wider."

"W-- well... you never know! The right contacts lead to the right business, and you gotta learn to take risks."

"Well what is a good deal for you, huh Zeke?" Alefgard stood up from his chair, frustration unbidden.

Zeke took a breath. "That's what I'm trying to find. If you can't do four thousand on the Nutcracker, then I'm willing to do financing - provided we have a means of contacting each other. For that, I'm proposing the sale of this unique, one-of-a-kind communications device - it does other stuff too, I'll show you, it even has games - for a one-time fee of five hundred. I'd only like to sell you this one, if you want the other two they are full price. Once that is settled, then we can talk about financing your Nutcracker, and anything else here you find interesting but may be lacking the immediate funds for. Make sense?"

"This is exactly what I wanted to do with my night after work," grumbled Edward. "Accounting."

"It's only 3:30!" said Zeke, checking the phone in his hand.

"What does that mean?!" yelled the bard.

"I-- it means... Don't worry about it, it's not that late!"

"Wait a minute," said Space Pants, his eyes lighting up with realization. "I could call Zeke at any time, about anything I want, and he has to pick it up?"

"Uhh, I don't have to--"

"Guys," Space Pants said proudly, "You're all about to witness the invention of prank calling on Buzong Xömlox, the World of Typhoons!"

"And, now I'm definitely not going to."

"Look, all we need to do is bring this phone to an artificer, and we can get like six more, alright?" ratNAROk said sagely. "We just need one as a template."

"That's precisely what I don't want to see you do with it," said Zeke.

"Boy, you count as well as Space Pants," said Meepo to ratNAROk.

"Noo, noo, that was spoken out-of-game," said ratNAROk.

"We're done with dragon games!" Edward was losing his mind. "We're not playing dragon games! Enough talking about games now, thank you!"

ratNAROk planted a chair firmly in the dirt and stood on top of it. "People! What I'm trying to say is, we can call this merchant up at any time! If we need to buy something, or if we need too much stuff we gotta sell, we can have all that on speed-dial! I think this is worth pooling our resources for, you dig?"

"Yeah, and he could come save us in a scrape," said Edward.

Zeke nodded. "If I'm in the area, I'll get to you as quick as I can to lend you a hand."

"Or, we could call him, and pretend like we're someone else," said Space Pants, still workshopping his 'prank call' scheme.

"I will remind you there are exactly four phones in this entire world," said Zeke. "I think I'll be able to narrow it down."

"Make sure to call him to tell him his warranty is expired," said Zumies.

"You can use Meepo's share of the eight hundred from the eggs," said the kobold.

"Alright! Anybody else want to pitch in? Anyone?" Silence. "Come on," said the barbarian, "think about it! Phone? Merchant?" He gestured around to the wide dirt chamber around them. "Portable resting place? In the middle of a dungeon, we could have this place right here to stay, anywhere we want. What do you say?"

"Trade him the bag of holding," said Space Pants.

"No, we really need that," said Sergei.

"We've got the platinum flute!" said ratNAROk. "And my axe!"

"I'll give you 120 for the axe," Zeke said, getting tired of this nonsense.

"Okay! So that's three-hundred ninety and... hey, wait a minute! 120 is a terrible amount for this axe!"

"Not by my figure," the badger shrugged. "I've gotta make a profit somehow."

"Zeke is every miserly jerk I've ever dealt with in this realm," Alefgard muttered under his breath to Edward. "His stuff is so good, our stuff is garbage... He's basically James's Stop."

"Next he'll be asking us to preorder it," said the bard.

"Ach, if you're gonna go low on my axe, then I'm goin' low on your phone! I won't buy it for more than 300!"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"No."

"Yes," ratNAROk pressed, with Inspiration.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Zeke sucked in his breath, puffing out his chest as he did so. "Hmmm..."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"No."

"Man, you are impossible to beat."

Zeke was feeling a little winded. This had gone on long enough, and he hadn't moved any product yet. Though he may have been successful at holding his ground, Zeke had learned through experience that to truly be successful as a merchant, he had to know when to give in even when he thought he was winning in order to close a deal.

"...435."

"Sold," said ratNAROk.

"Cool. So, that platinum flute..." The badger looked it over. "Base quality, huh... still, that's easily a hundred gold, since it's platinum."

"Yep. Sold. Easy."

The badger and the mouse exchange gold and goods, and moments later, ratNAROk was holding a brand new, slightly-used cell phone.

"This is cool! I can't wait to see what it does!"

The barbarian flipped open the phone. There was a glowing screen inside displaying text in a language the mouse had hopelessly never seen before in his life.

"Uh... How do I... what do these buttons do..."

"Alright, lemme walk you through this. This button here--"

"Nuh uh. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. No. I don't want to know. Don't tell me."

"But-- at least let me show you how to call me!"

"No, no." ratNAROk held the phone out at arm's length like it needed its diaper changed. "I'm not smart enough for this. Someone else touch it."

"Give it to Alefgard," suggested Edward. "Or Space Pants, he's smart."

"Give the phone to Cutter," said Space Pants. The skeleton merely stared incomprehendingly at the device.

"Please, give the phone to Space Pants," said Meepo. "For all of us."

The bard said, "Wait, I take it back--"

"Here you go," said Zeke, handing the phone to Space Pants.

"Awesome." The meddling cat sorcerer stared at the fancy, futuristic device from another world. "Does this thing get long distance?"

"Again, how do you know how a phone works?!" said Edward.

"I don't," said Space Pants. "I mean, 'meow.'"

"Okay, so to call me, you gotta--"

"Show him," said Space Pants, pointing at Alefgard, "then he can tell me."

"...Fine," said the badger. Zeke did his best to walk Alefgard through the sequence of menus to find and call Zeke, but after three attempts, the wizard still wasn't getting it. Between the foreign language on the device, some unspoken standards on user interface that he did not grasp, and generally failing to comprehend how such a small device can do so much, the wizard's mind was fully blown.

"Don't worry," said Zeke, "I know it's a lot. Actually, I have a few scrolls over there that might be useful to you in bridging the gap between magic and technology."

"Not yet," said Alefgard. "This is a lot. One thing at a time."

Edward nudged Alefgard and said, "Don't forget to ask about the data plan!"

"How do you know how it works?!" said Alefgard, calling Edward out.

"What I want to know," said Meepo, "is why are there are so many buttons on this phone, when there are only three other phones to call?"

"'Hello?'" said Alefgard. "Oh, sorry, wrong number, I meant to call '3,' who's this?"

"Zeke, I have a proposition," said Space Pants. "What are you doin' here, exactly? What's your thing?"

"Well, like I said before, I go around to ruins, dungeons, things like that, I find magic items, and I sell 'em."

"And then I mark them up eight million percent," sneered Alefgard.

"Well that's pretty much what we're doin'," said Space Pants. "You should just come with us. Only, we do some other stuff, too. Like Erky, here. He wears the skin of goblins."

"Sure, so many goblins," said Erky, rolling his eyes.

"Don't listen to him. Ignore him, and you can just come with us, share the gold, be a part of the party... Erky can be your personal assistant."

The badger turned to the gnome. Erky looked at Space Pants, then at Zeke, and nodded. "Sure. We'll work out the deets later."

Zeke considered that, actually smiling for the first time in a while. "Y'know, I don't think I'm going to be making any more money off these goblins. I can't promise I'll stick with you long-term, but I can fight with you up to the tree. Eventually, I do need to break off and go find more stock to sell you guys, after all!"

"Hang on, hang on," said Space Pants. "There will be plenty of people to sell your goods to along the way. Plenty of 'em."

"Aren't we just going to kill them all?" said Bubb, in complete seriousness.

"Yes," said Space Pants, "but he can still sell them weapons first."

"To fight you with when you go to kill them? That sounds counterproductive," said Zeke.

Meepo replied, "But see, when we kill them and take their weapons back, we sell their weapons back to you, so you can sell them to somebody else for us to kill. It's an enterprise."

"No, listen." said Space Pants. "It's way simpler than that. You could come with us and sell your weapons, and we'll do whatever we want - we just travel alongside each other for protection. We'll help you acquire magic items to sell, and maybe from time to time you let us borrow them - because hey, the better we are at killin' stuff for you, the better loot we'll be able to find for you. How's that sound? Everybody wins."

"I will ask this in return," said Zeke. "Remember earlier, when I said I was looking for warriors to help take down my brothers and save my world from their corruption?"

"Oh, yeah, we'll kill them, no problem," said Space Pants. "We've killed at least four people since we got here, we've got it covered. Look at Sergei, he's a dragon. That guy eats people."

"You keep spreading this falsehood," said Sergei. "Soon, it is going to stick."

"No killing," said Zeke. "My blood is my blood. I won't be responsible for any of my brothers' deaths. Yes, they need to be stopped at all costs... but I must stop you from killing them if I'm able."

"Hold up, what are you dragging us into, cat?" said Edward. "You saw how powerful Zeke was! Zeke, how many brothers did you say you had?"

"Seven, not counting myself," said Zeke. "One of them isn't a threat... I think."

"Seven?" said Edward. "If they're anywhere near as strong as you are, we are in deep."

"Are families usually that large on your world?" asked Alefgard.

"No, but... my father really wanted to spread his name around. He got what he wanted, I guess."

Meepo, already curled up for a nap in the corner, said, "Huh? Oh, sure, yeah, I'll go."

"You see that?" Space Pants pointed at Meepo. "You're lookin' at the king of the kobolds right here. See his crown?"

"Really?" Zeke cocked his head. "That's not what the kobolds upstairs told me."

"Uh oh," said Edward.

"Yeah, uh, which one was it... they've got so many weird names..." The badger cringed as he noticed Meepo. "I mean-- not weird, but I mean like-- ack, sorry, I didn't mean it like--"

Meepo sat up straight on the floor. "Who told you they were king?"

"Uh, what was his name... Magre? Yeah, Magre. That was it."

Space Pants turned to Meepo. "That don't sound like the name of the kobold you left in charge, is it?"

"It is not."

"Oh, that's not good for Magre."

"Magre." Meepo knew it, from the moment he'd dropped down that well he knew it would be Magre who would betray him. The head of Meepo's clan had always looked down on him. He was never going to submit to Meepo's rule. "Thank you, Zeke. I agree, Space Pants. We should go have a word with...Magre."

"Cutter," said Space Pants, "Here's what's gonna happen. Zeke's gonna tell you how to get upstairs. Once you get there, you're going to ask each kobold, 'Name?' and if they say 'Magre,' you stab them. You got it?"

"Uh, can that thing talk?" said Zeke.

"We'll give him a sign. Trust me, this is gonna work."

"Give him a little knapsack so Magre thinks we're sending him a gift," said Meepo.

"Ooh, great idea!" said Edward. "Then he could flip the sign around and it says, 'Meepo sends his regards.'"

"And then come back with Magre's eyeball in this pouch," said Space Pants, handing Cutter a leather pouch.

As soon as Zeke finished explaining where to go, Cutter left to go carry out his task. "Hah, yeah... great. I hope I'm not about to regret this."

[KenboCalrissian]

10 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Evening)
=============

"Hi future-Thrathdad," prayed Meepo before his evening meal by the fire, with all his new friends in attendance.

Edward cocked an eyebrow. "Future Thrathdad?"

"Yeah! If I say 'hi' to her tomorrow, then she'll feel really bad if I don't make it through the night. So, that's how I know she'll protect me!"

The bard raised both eyebrows now. "...Oh. Is that how it is, then." Edward procured a small notebook from a chest pocket and began writing some... ideas for new song lyrics.

"D-- don't write that part down!" cried Meepo.

Zeke stretched and yawned, pretending he didn't hear that as he glanced at his cell phone. "Welp, it's about 5:30 or so. We can keep dealing if you like, but how about we turn in for the night?"

This time, the badger did not catch himself as he said the time in his own way. Alefgard took silent note. In Buzong Xömlox, one would instead say, 'five-and-a-half shakes of a muskox tail,' or 'five-and-a-half shakes.' That is, if both Buzong Xömlox and this badger's homeworld of T'zen operated on the same 24 hour cycle, which seemed unlikely - but, it did feel like 5'5s to Alefgard, so maybe they were close.

"Who else has those doodads?" said Meepo, pointing at Zeke's phone.

"Just you and me," reminded Zeke. "I have two more I haven't sold yet, so there are four in total but they're all here."

Space Pants flipped open the phone and started pushing random buttons. Different things started changing on the screen - some text changed color, a bar moved from one line to another, the phone made little 'blip' sounds as the cat dialed random numbers. The screen changed to a new menu as he hit the 'K button.

"Uhh, be careful with that!" Zeke reached for the phone reflexively. "I'm sure you don't know how to read T'zen. You don't know what settings you're changing!"

"You're gonna brick it!" said Meepo.

"I know what I'm doing!" Space Pants continued playing with the device. "What's your passcode?"

"You might accidentally delete me from your contacts," said Zeke, "then you wouldn't be able to contact me."

"It doesn't work anyway," said Space Pants.

"Here, let me show you--"

"Oh maaaaan, this is so booooring."

"I haven't even come over to show you anything yet! I'll show you where the games are, if you just give me a minute."

"How do I call my parents?"

"...Well, first, they'd have to have phones, which they don't--"

"Does it work beyond the grave?"

"...And second, they would have to be alive, so... No. I'm sorry."

"This phone's stupid," said Space Pants. "Here, Alefgard, just take this thing. It's useless." The cat handed the phone over to the wizard.

"I'd be glad to," said Alefgard. His brain had been humming since he'd first laid eyes on the strange contraption. It may have bested his wisdom once, but he was determined to learn about this fascinating new technology. This was way more interesting than magic!

"I see that look," said Edward. "Don't get your hopes up. It can call Zeke, and that's it."

"Oh, it does a couple other things," said the badger with a smile. "There's some music downloaded on there, I can show you how to find it."

"Can we call Cutter and see how he's doing?" Space Pants turned to the wizard. "Alefgard, tell Zeke to call Cutter-- no, tell Zeke to tell you how to call Cutter so we can see if he found that one guy Meepo hates."

Zeke ignored Space Pants, and took the phone back from Alefgard to walk him through to the Contacts menu. "See, you push this, then the right-arrow, then 'K, then down... and, here you go. I'm the only name in that list, so that's me. You know who's not in this list?" He shot a glance at Space Pants. "Literally anybody else on the planet. Maybe, eventually, somebody else will buy a phone, and then we can call them, but not right now. Just make sure that line is highlighted and push the little green button here."

Alefgard continued staring, letting Zeke push the button. As he did, a musical tune started playing from something in his pocket - part of a heavy, sad, guitar-and-cello-laden ballad, from the sound of it. He reached in and pulled out a phone of his own. Alefgard cried out in abject shock.

"But wait-- there's more!"

As the wizard stood staring with his jaw hanging open, Zeke handed him back his phone, while walking away with his own. When he was on the other side of the room, he put the phone up to his ear, and motioned for Alefgard to do the same.

Awkwardly, the wizard held the strange, noisy rectangle up to his face.

"How's it sound?" Zeke's voice came out of the device near Alefgard's mouth.

"It's really hard to hear," said Alefgard.

Zeke motioned with his hand to turn it right-side up. The wizard did so. "There, how's that?"

The wizard's eyes were wide with wonder. "I can hear you. Can you... hear me?"

"Yep! We can talk like this from up to 100 miles-- err, yeah..."

"'Onols?'" suggested Alefgard.

"...What's an 'onol?'"

"A longer unit of measurement than an 'urist,'" said Alefgard. "An 'urist' is the general width of a boulder the size of a dwarf, an 'onol' is the generally accepted length of an individual mountainous region. They're dwarven words because they happen to be the ones making up most of the rules of engineering."

"Hmph," said Sergei. "Would be easier if whole world just adopted Dragon Standard. If you want to know how long something is, go stand some dragons next to it and then count the dragons."

The badger nodded. "Well, here's some good news - based on maps I've seen of Buzong Xömlox, I'd estimate these phones could reach each other almost on opposite sides of your known world. I worked it out once, I think it might fall just 20... onols shy of reaching the other side. It should be pretty unlikely we're out of range."

"How many minutes are on them?" said Space Pants.

"Hah, well... funny story, I happened to, ah, 'acquire' these phones before they were programmed to require minutes... Hey, wait a minute, how do you know about 'minutes?'"

"You mean 'wiggles,'" lied Space Pants. "Since they're smaller than a 'shake.'"

"...Really?

"Hey Zeke," said Space Pants, blowing right past the question, "You know I can just talk to you with my brain within 50 onols, right?"

"...I do now, but here's something this phone can do that I bet you can't!"

Zeke held his phone over the box of random junk that had been sitting near the east door, and pressed a button. Alefgard's phone lit up with a notification.

"Oh," said the wizard. "What do I--"

"Just tap the message, and hit 'K.'"

Alefgard did so. The screen changed, showing an image sent to him by the camera in Zeke's phone - many strange toys, tools, and knick knacks filled the box, but the image was focused on a clear bottle with a push-nozzle and a strange, modern label printed on it.

"What am I..."

The badger merchant picked the bottle out of the box and brought it over to Alefgard to inspect and see for himself that it was the same object as in the picture he'd just received. "It's hand sanitizer," said Zeke. "Not bad to have on the road, fairly inexpensive-- but that's not the point, the point is I just showed this to you from over there, and now we can do that from a hundred onols away."

"That's incredible," said Alefgard, who had been studying the device with his arcane senses. "There's no magic to this at all. This is... how have your people accomplished this?"

"Ah, it'll take a long time to explain how it all works--"

"I've got time," said the wizard eagerly.

The badger leaned in with a smile and said. "Then I hope you're ready for some science. Sure thing, bud, we'll talk more about it later."
 
"Does it do microtransactions?" asked Zumies.

"...Now you're just saying words without knowing what they mean," sighed Zeke.

"You mentioned 'games,'" said Alefgard impatiently.

"Oh, yeah! Here's one - you know how we just fought those snakes?"

"That thing has snakes in it? I'm out." Space Pants threw up his paws and immediately lost all interest in the phone.

Zeke handed the phone back to Alefgard. A line started moving across the screen. "Hurry, press up or down!" The line crashed into the wall. "That's okay, try again - hit the arrow keys!"

Hesitantly, the wizard pushed the 'up' key, and the line started moving up at his command.

"Good! Now, get the apple--"

"Apple?" said Bubb. "The apple we're searching for is in there?"

"Oh, no! Different apple--"

"This is incredible," Alefgard repeated breathlessly, as the snake grabbed the apple and grew a few pixels. "This is the greatest thing I've ever seen. How would I do anything else?"

"Lemme see." Against his own word, Space Pants walked around behind Alefgard to watch and bat at the screen."

"Aaand, that's likely what they'll be doing all night," said Zeke with a satisfied grin. "Oh, wait - one more thing, lemme show you where to find music!"

"This thing pulls music from the air?!" Sergei exclaimed.

"Well, yes, if it has a connection - but there's nothing to connect to here, but that's okay because I downloaded plenty of music onto it first anyway. Here, check this!"

Zeke showed Alefgard the music player app. Before playing any music, an advertisement for some kind of fur-cleansing product played.

"Ah, sorry about that... Even without a connection, stupid thing still has to play ads it has cached between songs. It gets really irritating after the hundredth time hearing the same ad."

"Doesn't matter what world you're on, they'll still get ya," said Edward with a smirk.

After the ad, the device played more synth wave music similar to that which Zeke was playing from his earlier.

"I used to run to this song," said Space Pants.

"Sure you have," laughed the badger.

Edward perked his ears. He still couldn't identify what instrument was making those kinds of souds. "...Is that sound made with Minor Illusion?"

"Nah, it's all digital."

"Digi-what??"

"Ah... I've said too much."

Edward pursed his lips. "Secrets aren't a great first step to fostering a partnership, you know."

Zeke smiled apologetically. "Give it time, please. This is sensitive stuff I'm messing with here, I kinda need to... let it out a little at a time, you know what I mean?"

"This seems like the kind of thing that could disrupt the entire fabric of society if it got into the wrong hands," said Space Pants. "Ooh, there's a second snake coming to steal your apples now!"

"I got it, I got it!" Alefgard frantically tapped away at the phone as if his very life depended on it.

"That's precisely why I shouldn't be trusting you guys with this stuff." Zeke groaned. "But... desperate times, desperate measures."

"Aye, this better not fundamentally change the way we live our lives," said ratNAROk suspiciously.

"Yeah, but ratNAROk," said Alefgard, eyes still glued to the phone screen. "You've gotta try this before you knock it. It's amazing."

Zeke rubbed the back of his neck. "Look, have fun with your new toy and all that, but try and keep it on the down-low, yeah? And you definitely didn't get it from me. We talked to some guy on the road. Didn't catch his name or see his face."

"I mean, I guess," said Space Pants, "but maybe that comes with discounts?"

Zeke shrugged. "I mean, yeah, over time, sure! I didn't think I'd be doing, like, an investment strategy or anything like you guys wanted, but I gotta be flexible, right? It's not easy selling high-end merch. Treat me right, I'll treat you right, that's how I swing."

"You're not gettin' it," muttered Space Pants under his breath. "That's alright... you will."

Zeke stretched out and heaved a deep sigh. "Well, it's gettin' late! I dunno about you guys, but I could use a night to rest up and regain my strength. We should be safe where we're at - remember, I parked the entry hole in the fire snake's den, so our hole-in-the-ground is camouflaged with all the other snake holes. Make yourselves at home!"

Meepo was already asleep, curled up in the dirt beneath one of Zeke's chairs.

"Before we retire, do we have anything that needs identified?" Edward asked. "I've already told you all I can about the button."

"Hmm... Nope, I can't think of anything," said Zumies, forgetting all about the crystal vial he'd taken from the room with the root-infested rat on the operating table. The rogue's mind had already moved on in search of more things to take - and right now, the half elf was scanning Zeke's emporium for anything that wasn't nailed down that could easily become 'misplaced.'

The sett's shop chamber was well-lit by sconces along the walls, not to mention the campfire in the center of the room. There were few shadows to hide in anywhere within the room, save for directly beneath the narrow-legged, drapeless tables. The chairs had simple patterns cut out from their backs which, while crude and amateurish in quality and design, would render those chairs less useful for hiding behind. The badger was very clever in his shop design - the room was wide open, with plenty of well-lit open space between his expensive items and the exit and few obstacles in between. Top it all off with Zeke's preferred seat near the center of the room, and it became clear all at once that Zeke had designed himself a panopticon.

It seemed to Zumies as though Zeke kept this room fairly clean, in spite of everything - the floor, the walls, the ceiling - being entirely comprised of dirt. There were small shrubs and young tower caps sprouting up, none any larger than a hand tall - odd, considering he'd cleaned up the blood from the goblins, but not the bodies. "Well, now," Zumies noted to himself, "That's interesting. The floor of this shop requires periodic maintenance - otherwise, shrubs and mushrooms grow from the floor, which could turn into hiding places if left unattended for too long. Which means if we keep him busy for long enough, then maybe..."

Zeke opened a duffel bag next to his seat by the fire. He pulled out a box of crackers and began munching away. Zumies studied the box - the label was unlike anything he had ever seen. There was no way it could have been painted that way; the images so precise, the text so clear, some of it very tiny even. A lifelike image of the cracker itself appeared on the front - having never seen printing before, the rogue stared at the box as though it had grown a head and started singing travel tunes. The firepit, too - the top half of a barrel, with a conspicuous, unreadable warning label featuring a picture of a flame - was something bizarrely foreign. Then, Zumies spotted something; As Zeke had pulled the crackers out of the bag, it appeared as though a second, tiny, see-through bag fell out and landed near his feet. The material was unlike anything he had ever seen - flexible like cloth, yet somehow solid - and the bag seemed to contain an orangish-red powder. This, too, had one of those too-good-to-be-painted labels on it, but again, he could read none of it. Zeke did not seem to notice that he dropped it.

"Zeke," said Alefgard, "do you have a problem?"

"Huh?" The badger looked quizzically at Alefgard, half a graham cracker still resting on his lip.

"Nevermind. Forget I said anything."

"Well, well," thought Zumies in his own mind. "What have we here? It's too close to him to get it, though. Whatever it is, I'll just have to keep an eye out for it later."

As the night wore down, no such opportunity arose, and Zumies eventually forgot about the mysterious powder. Once the door to the common area was locked up and secured, Zeke put out the campfire, and the party rested to the dim light of the sconces on the wall.

And, as they rested, each and every one of them had their very own individual dream, tailored to their own wants, desires, and peripheral perceptions - dreams that will leave a mark upon each through their day, and perhaps beyond. I wonder, what shapes will those dreams take by the time we meet?

Spoiler: "OOC" (click to show/hide)

Since I'm clearly taking much more time writing these posts than I initially had, I'm going to try and stop cramming so much content into a single post. If that's what I get done in a day, great - but, even with this update, I have a LOT of footage left to get through from the last session, so I'm going to try writing smaller, but more frequent updates. Let's see how this works out!

[KenboCalrissian]

Spoiler: "OOC" (click to show/hide)

This post used to contain AI-generated images of the party.

I've observed the debate over this technology as both an artist and a software developer, approaching this question with an opinion divided evenly down the line. Such as the debate has played out, as an artist first I cannot - and will not - support AI-generated art in any capacity, until such time it is properly legislated and the people whose work the technology "borrows" from are properly compensated for teaching these machines how to draw.

It's disappointing to me that we're using technology that was intended to make life easier, to instead pave over the parts of life that are worth living so we can all get back to work. I revoke any and all support I ever gave to this technology, and will only ever use human-made resources for any project I build.

Thanks for reading.

[KenboCalrissian]

11 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Morning - 4 Days Until Solstice)
=============

Sergei's slumber was interrupted by a strange, rhythmic chirping sound. It was like no bird he had ever heard - three tweets, then a pause, three tweets, then a pause - and sounded like more of the weird music Zeke had playing from his phone earlier. Just as he was starting to suspect, the dragonborn noticed Zeke rouse, reaching for the very same device he was just thinking of to shut it off.

"What in the..."

"Oh, sorry," said Zeke. "Good morning. It's 6 O'cl-- um..."

"Shakes?"

"Yeah, shakes!"

Sergei stared at Zeke's phone. "Can ours do that?"

"Yeah, of course! I'll show you how over breakfast. Hope you like fire snake eggs!"

One by one, the rest of the party stirred, shaking away images of both prophecy and memory that danced in their heads through the night.

"I just had... the strangest dream," said Alefgard.

"Oh, yeah?" said Zeke, with a smile. "I had a dream, too. I dreamt I was back home, on Mercia with my friends. Ah, it's been so long... I wonder how they're all doing?"

Edward rubbed his eyes. "No, no, mine was definitely about this dungeon. Weird things within the walls."

"It's like a puzzle," said ratNAROk, still sprawled out on his back, staring up at the ceiling.

Zeke gathered the eggs they had collected the day prior. The eggs were large, so even though it was a large group, there would still be plenty left over. Zeke decided to save the wild egg for last, leaving it at the back of the basket he'd found for them. He was already getting a pan ready and starting a fire to cook. "What was in your dream, ratNAROk?"

"Rats," said the mouse barbarian. "Everywhere."

"Oh." Zeke nodded. "Rats, huh?"

"And a secret room," continued the barbarian, "with a baboon in it. And a turkey."

"...What?" said Zeke.

"What?!" exclaimed Bubb.

"Baboon??" cried Alefgard.

"Turkey?!" questioned Edward.

"Yeah," said ratNAROk. "It was messed up, guys."

"I'm sorry, I think your dream was wrong," said Bubb. "My dream had many friends in it." Flies crawled in and out of the warforged's glowing green eye sockets. "And potential foods."

"Ah-hah!" said ratNAROk. "So you saw the turkey, too!"

"No! What are you talking about?"

"...Nothin'." ratNAROk pouted.

"I dreamt I had two Cutters," said Space Pants. "One with unlimited power."

"Me too!" said Zumies.

"I saw a lot of dead people," said Edward. "And a giant white tree, with three figures around it I did not recognize..." Edward thought about it a little more. On second thought, he did recognize the scene he was seeing, and the ghostly figures in his dream... but the conversation had already moved on.

"Did you see a green dragon necklace?" asked Zumies. "'Cuz I did."

"You mean the one you're wearin'?" said Space Pants.

Zumies gingerly touched the jade-carved dragon pendant with copper wire wrapping on his neck. "Oh, yeah! It was this one!"

"Clever deduction skills, elf," said the cat.

Meepo, still asleep, kicked his legs and shed tears as he slumbered.

"Meepo do a weepo," joked ratNAROk.

Edward took a moment to have an aside with Alefgard. "So, about your dreams..."

"I didn't get much sleep last night," said Alefgard. "I found this game on here called Blob Wars. You have to feed your blobs to get bigger and crush your opponent's cities before they do--"

"Opponent?" Edward balked. "What do you mean? You were playing with somebody else?"

"No, no - the opponent is in the box. When it says 'CPU' over it, I think that means the game is playing itself."

"Does it have a spirit inside playing against you?"

"I don't know-- maybe? I have no idea! Anyway, what is it you wanted to talk about?"

"I gotta tell you about my dream," said Edward, glancing over his shoulder. "In private."

Alefgard nodded. "Come over here, let me show you how to play Blob Wars. It's a small screen, you'll want to sit close to me while we talk."

As the bard and the wizard broke off, ratNAROk squinted at the sign on Zeke's campfire barrel.

"Danger... Flammable... Keep out of reach of children."

Zeke stared at ratNAROk in disbelief. "There's no way you can read that. It's T'zenian!"

"Well, what else would it say?" said ratNAROk. "I'm just taking a guess."

Meepo, awake and weeping softly into his eggs, said, "We still have four days until the apple ripens, right?"

"That's what the bugbear said," reminded Erky.

"Oh your god," said Space Pants in a low voice, "shut up, Erky."

"You know what? Next time you ask me something, I just won't answer." The gnome crossed his arms and glared at Space Pants.

"I'm just askin' you to shut up," said Space Pants apologetically.

"...No!" Erky was holding the Spray Bottle of Command like he had woken up on the wrong side of the bed today. "You can't make me!"

"Sure I can," said Space Pants. "Watch me."

"Funny you say that--" The badger stopped eating. "Hang on, first, let's get something straight: Turns out, Erky and I had a little side-chat about you, and we came to an agreement ahead of time."

Space Pants' ear twitched, as he remembered the private conversation Erky and Zeke had had while they were discussing prices. "Is that so."

"Yep," said Erky with a big smile. "We came to terms in advance. You said something about me becoming his personal assistant yesterday? Well, I decided that sounded like a pretty good idea."

Zeke nodded. "I checked with him one more time before accepting, he gave me the nod. It's a done deal. So..." Zeke leveled his gaze at Space Pants. "You're not gonna harass my employees, are you?"

"No," said Space Pants. "I already see that Erky wants that, so he can't have it."

"What makes you think you get to say what I can and can't have?" said Erky. "I'm not your prisoner. I never was."

"You're a murderer," said Space Pants. "We're making a citizen's arrest."

No one in the party moved to back up the cat. They just stood back and watched what was transpiring.

"I haven't done anything worse than you have!" Erky turned to Zeke. "See? This is what I was talking about."

Zeke just turned point-blank to Space Pants and asked, "Seriously, what's going on here? What are you doin' to this guy?"

"...So we got this tree we gotta worry about," deflected Space Pants. "What's goin' on with that? Everybody? C'mon, let's go get our tree."

"...Huh," said Zeke, scratching his chin.

"That's the best you're gonna get out of the cat," said Erky, grinning at Zeke.

"Well, okay, sure. It can't hurt to get to the tree early, right? Clear everything out and then sit on it until the apple grows. That's not a bad strategy."

"If that's gonna take some time," said Meepo, "is there any way we could go back and overthrow my throne again?"

"Oh, yeah!" Space Pants doffed his wide-brimmed hat. "Who was the guy I sent Cutter 5 to kill?"

"Magre," said Meepo, his voice dripping with venom. "That backstabber. I knew all along he'd be the one..."

Zeke shifted uncomfortably in his seat, unsure whether he wanted to see what the skeleton did with the directions he'd given it. "Hmm... That's right, you told it to come back with an eye, huh?" The badger got up and checked the front door. "Nope-- I don't see your skeleton out here. It must not have made it back."

"Were anybody else's dreams mean?" Meepo blurted out. "Or just mine?"

"Was it those voices that seem to follow you around and whisper things that are demeaning and cruel?" Sergei asked.

"Yes! You can hear those too?"

"We all can. Sometimes. It is a strange phenomenon that started when we met you."

"Meepo always had voices following Meepo. Meepo always weak and getting picked on. But Meepo survived. Thrathdad helped Meepo survive." Meepo shed another tear. "But Meepo will show them. Meepo will show them all. Meepo is king now - and I will show them all what happens when someone sits on Meepo's throne."

ratNAROk said, "My dream contains notes overlaid by the gods, did they mean to send that to me? Yes? Okay. If these are more than dreams, then we need to be careful heading back towards the well that leads up to the first level. I saw some things in my dream that should give us caution."

Sergei turned to the barbarian. "Any particular reason?"

The meadowguard eyed the dragonborn, then put a paw to his ear. "If you hear the pitter-patter of many little feet... Run."

"Okay... like... One large enemy with many small feet?"

"What? No-- what?! What do you think I mean? I'm a mouse, I had a mouse dream! I mean-- rats!"

"Oh-- Oh, yes, I know. I was, erm, testing your, ah, martial prowess."

"Uh huh."

"If you guys are thinkin' our dreams mean somethin'..." Space Pants trailed off, with a faraway look in his eye.

"Yeah, seems right," said ratNAROk. "Why, you got somethin' to share?"

"Oh, no," said Space Pants. "But we're in a lot of trouble."

"Aye," nodded ratNAROk. "'Tis a bit uneasy all this, eh wot?"

"Make up your mind," said Space Pants. "What do you sound like?"

"I dinnae know what ye wallowin' abaht," drawled ratNAROk.

"Regardless," said the cat, "I know at least one door we definitely shouldn't open."

ratNAROk turned to Alefgard. "I know where your baboon is."

"In heaven," said Alefgard, matter-of-factly. "He's 'Heaven Baboon.'"

"No," said ratNAROk. "He's in the walls."

"The walls?"

"He's stuck in the walls, man!" ratNAROk was nearly freaking out. "He's stuck in the ever-loving walls!"

Zeke perked up, looking quite concerned. "You know of a teleporting... baboon? Like me? That got stuck in the walls??"

"We had a baboon," said Alefgard. "He is no longer with us."

"But did he have a teleporter? Like mine??" The badger held up the octagonal device on his belt that he had used to create an entry to his sett. His eyes were as wide as if he had seen a ghost.

"No," said Alefgard, "but he ascended to heaven. That's why he's 'Heaven Baboon.'"

"We're talking about the baboon you pulled out of your Bag of Tricks, right?" said Bubb.

"Yes, now quit ruining the moment," said the wizard.

"It's just that I don't remember that part," the fly cleric of death replied mechanically. "I thought the spell duration just ran out--"

"And he's also got a turkey," interrupted ratNAROk.

"...Huh?" said Zeke.

"What delicious turkey?" demanded Bubb. "Tell us where the turkey is."

"Dreams is dreams," said ratNAROk. "That's all I know."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Once everyone was up and out of the hole, Zeke pressed a button on his teleportation device, and the portal disappeared without a trace, leaving them surrounded by all the other holes dug by the fire snakes. Meepo wiped away his tears and followed along as the party ventured out again.

"Ah-yadaradagradah." ratNAROk rambled incoherently as he pushed his way to the front of the line. "Let me go first."

"You know what, I think I'm just gonna do some cat nip." Space Pants pulled out a sprig of the catnip he'd found the day before, next to the gardening supplies in the gallery outside. "Hey Edward, did you remember to identify this?"

"Oh! No, sorry-- dang, we just packed up to get moving, too..."

"That's alright, I'll figure it out." Space Pants shoved his face into the wild catnip.

"Wait, you don't know where that's--"

As Edward reached out to stop Space Pants, the cat's visage became fuzzy and staticky.

"...Been? Where are you going?"

Space Pants looked at his paws. He could no longer see his fur in detail. At best, his arms looked like blobs of color protruding from a vaguely humanoid vignette, shimmering and distorting and warping in place.

"I feel like there's a much easier word for describing what's happening to me," said the cat.

Meepo said, "Might one say he has become... Blurred?"

"I didn't see an Arcana check," said Alefgard.

"At least somebody here can identify magic," said Edward, jabbing the wizard with his elbow.

"Am I dissolving into the universe?" said Space Pants.

"Are you dissolving into something edible?" buzzed Bubb.

"Don't worry, everybody," said Space Pants. "I put some in ratNAROk's flask last night so I wouldn't have to try it alone."

"You what??" ratNAROk reached for his flask.

"Wait, wait--" Alefgard stopped the barbarian. "This could be useful. Save it."

"Uh, sure. Thanks." ratNAROk put his flask down, and scanned the room. His eyes narrowed on the southern door. "I know where the baboon is."

"Baboon?" Bubb turned to follow ratNAROk's gaze. "...Turkey?"

"Baboon!!" ratNAROk charged down the hall.

"You'd better go after him," said Edward to Alefgard. "He's going for your baboon!"

"One more game," said Alefgard, still tapping away at the phone.

The party filtered through the door after ratNAROk. Zeke tapped a button on the hilt of his sword, causing its plasma flame to ignite and light up the room like a bright, seafoam-green torch.  "That's very bright," said Zumies, shielding his eyes.

"Sorry," said Zeke. "I can't turn down the brightness. Want me to turn it off?"

"No, no," said Zumies. "It's kind of a nice color. Just not used to it, is all."

"Anybody got somethin' to break this wall down with?" said ratNAROk, facing a particular wall in the southern gallery. The gabbro wall had a well-designed image of horses engraved on it. The horses were running.

"Myself," said Sergei.

"Alright! Just don't use your nice weapon," said the barbarian.

"Hang on, are we sure we want to be doing this?" cautioned Edward. "We're about to attack a wall going off a hunch in your dream?"

"So in my dream," said Space Pants, "around that door there's uh... uh... nevermind. Zumies, you should go check it out first."

Zumies poked his head around the door. "Nothing here. Why don't we just walk through?"

"Because it's in the wall!" insisted ratNAROk. "Here, in this little space!"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Hang on, before you go bustin' your weapons..." Space Pants climbed inside the cabinet in the room on the other side of the space, and felt around the back of it. "Hm... No hidden compartments. That's how a smart person would've designed it. If there is somethin' in that wall, I don't think we should even bother with it anymore. Probably not worth it."

Clang! Clang!! ratNAROk and Sergei both smashed junk weapons against the horse-carved wall. Their attacks bounced harmlessly off the relief carving, but ratNAROk's short sword broke clean in half.

"Rats!" said ratNAROk.

Sergei looked at the barbarian's broken sword, then at his own longsword, which hadn't broken yet. "I think our time with this experiment has come to an end."

"Oh, well." ratNAROk let the sword drop unceremoniously to the ground. "There's like, short swords all over the place in here. Pick any room with goblins we killed in it, I'll go find another."

"Hey Zeke," said Space Pants, "You got anything in that hole of yours that might blow open this wall?"

"Hmm...

"Yeah," said ratNAROk, "I mean... he might have a teleporter."

Alefgard said, "Um, I'm pretty sure heaven baboon didn't--"

"Shh!"

Zeke perked up. "Like mine? You said he didn't have one..."

ratNAROk looked at the octagonal device on Zeke's belt. "Yeah, uh, that's what I saw in my dream! How, uh, how else do you think he got into the wall?"

"Wait, really??" Without wasting any time, Zeke set to digging around behind the bushes on the south side of wall. "Are you sure that's the right wall? Maybe there's another way in. Have we searched all around?"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"...Yeeeah," said ratNAROk unconvincingly. "Definitely had a teleporter, just like yours. Uh-huh, yup. We'll go with that."

Zeke deflated. "Oh. You're messing with me." He tried to force a smile, but was clearly flustered.

"Can one of you guys get me a tiny little hole, and I can teleport someone in and out of it?" said Space Pants.

"I see no cracks in this wall," said Bubb, his flies pacing along its surface looking for entry.

Zeke began pacing around the walled area. All told, this block of wall touched three, possibly four rooms. "There's a lot of surface area here, are you positive it's that wall?"

"Listen 'ere, Zeke," said ratNAROk. "I got a bird's eye view in my dream. There's a baboon in this 'ere wall, this hallway was full of rats - it's not full of rats anymore, but they were here."

"Uh huh. Right. In your dream."

"Yes! That's how I know they were here! And the baboon is in that wall! Where've you been?"

"I told you," said the badger, "I had a dream too, but it wasn't of this place. I was back home, at Frelan Keep with my old pals. But I didn't actually go home, I didn't really see any of them. It was a dream, that's all."

"Really?" said ratNAROk. "You didn't see, like, just a screenshot of the map with some notes over it?"

"No, dude! I was chilling with my old friends. My dream didn't have anything to do with any of this."

"Huh... Bummer." ratNAROk kicked the broken blade away down the hallway. "Now I'm cheesed off. Let's finish this dungeon."

"After we retake Meepo's throne!" said Meepo.

Space Pants stared at his ever-fluctating paws, still unable to focus on himself. "What are we even doing anymore?"

[KenboCalrissian]

11 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Late Morning - 4 Days Until Solstice)
=============

"I can't see my hands," said Space Pants, still hard to see under the effects of the Blur spell. "Therefore, they must not really be here." Space Pants tried to pass his hands through the wall. It didn't work. Space Pants leaned into it, pressing up against the wall as if climbing it, hoping to phase himself through the wall by sheer force of will.

"Uhh..." Bubb groaned. "Look, I could go for a delicious wall-turkey like everyone else, and if we're going to stay here a while to figure this out, that's cool... But do we have a destination in mind?"

"Yeah," cheered ratNAROk, "forward! To the north!" The barbarian clashed his scimitars together.

"Alright." Bubb turned away from ratNAROk, and asked the same question to the dragonborn. "Sergei, you're the level-headed one. Are we going somewhere? And where?"

Sergei cleared his throat. "I believe we were heading back to check on Meepo's throne. Quick side-trip before we head on to the tree."

"Yes, please!" said Meepo.

"We've got four days," said Edward. "Plenty of time to head upstairs for a shake-down."

"Guys, I made it through the wall." Space Pants was just a formless glob of calico and purple pressed up against an engraving of horses. The horses were running.

"No, you're still here," said Sergei.

Space Pants looked at the fighter, though it was hard to tell where he was looking. "How'd you get here so fast?"

"With my magic dragon powers." Sergei waved his fingers mockingly. "Come, friend sorcerer," said Sergei. "It will still be here when we come back. Perhaps we'll think of something as we pass by here again later."

The party backtracked through the small storage room, and returned to the laboratory area. The door leading back to the twig blight garden was shut tight.

As they stepped over the bodies from the battles that had taken place there the day before, Space Pants raised a paw. "This was definitely the area in my dreams..." Space Pants looked around, trailing off, his eyes falling to rest on the shut door. "...Yep. Nevermind."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Yeah?" said Alefgard. "I'll, uh, be right here, then. Safe behind this pillar while you guys open the door."

"I saw it too," said Bubb. "I saw just beyond this door in my dream. A procession of gothically-clad women carrying scythes, accompanied by a pack of skeletons, moving through the area on the other side of this door."

"Uhh..." Space Pants whirled around at the mechanical cleric. "...no?"

"Huh?" said Edward. "'Gothically-clad...' I don't remember seeing anybody like that around here."

"Do you mean the bugbears we allowed to pass?" asked Sergei. "They had scythes, and were accompanied by skeletons."

"...Dreams is dreams," said Bubb. "Right, ratNAROk?"

"I saw a whole buncha rats," replied the barbarian, nodding, "but not here."

"Cutter 3 is right above Zumies," said Space Pants, "and I know it." Then, after a pause, "Also, 'Unlimited Power Cutter' is right next to him."

"I thought I was 'Cutter 3?'" said Bubb. "You mean 'Cutter 5.'"

"Thanks for keeping count for me, Cutter 3. I knew you were useful for somethin'."

"How do you know he has ultimate power?" asked Edward.

"Because he has a bunch of '9's' over his head where his health bar should be," said the cat.

"What's the deal with this 'Cutter?'" Zeke said. "Actually, I've been meaning to ask you guys... What do you call yourselves? Like, as a group?"

"Criminals," quipped Erky.

Space Pants nodded, "There are some who might call us that, sure."

"We have, ah, not yet discussed or agreed upon branding," said Sergei.

"Nah, nah." The badger shook his head. "You guys need a catchy name! Like... what about 'Snapdragon?'"

"Sounds very jazz-handsy," replied Sergei.

"Are we gonna open this door or what?" said Meepo. "Someone's sitting on my throne!"

"Don't worry, Meepo!" ratNAROk shouted. "Here I come!" The barbarian kicked in the door...

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Hyaah!" ratNAROk charged into the room, bounding over the bodies of zombies laying dead near the door. "...Huh. Nobody's home."

Zeke studied the bodies from where he was standing: Three goblins, two kobolds, turned by whatever magic was in this room, or the soil, turning the recently deceased. "Huh... They're not getting up. I guess it's safe."

Edward looked for the way they came down. The roots that hung down from the well in the ceiling were low enough to reach that they could climb back up this way. "I'm not going first."

"Hold up, chief," said Alefgard, "I think a few of us ran up north..."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

To the north was a dingy, dirty room, filled with barrels and boxes of mushrooms and half-rotten meat. Stains of blood dotted the floor, and a rack of crudely re-repaired weapons stood unhelpfully by. A nearby nest of furs and refuse indicated someone had been living here, but was not currently present. North of this chamber was a passage into a cavern, but it seemed the way had been blocked.

"...Ah," said Space Pants. "Stone Shape. Whoever went through here must've used that to bring the ceiling down behind them. Nothin' up here, now."

"That's where the procession of gothically-dressed women went," said Bubb. "With their scythes. And their skeletons."

"...You mean the bugbears, right?" said ratNAROk. "Or, are you sticking to that?"

"I said what I said," replied Bubb.

ratNAROk and Sergei looked at each other, unsure of what to make of the claim. "Let's move on, for now," said Sergei.

"Anybody wanna help me search this stuff?" said Space Pants. "Must be somethin' useful around here."

As previously guessed, the barrels contained nothing useful or even remotely appetizing - dead, poorly preserved creatures that, upon closer inspection, likely originated from the cave system just ahead, before the passage was blocked.

"This is a hunting lodge," Sergei realized. "The barrels are full of dead creatures awaiting the attention of a butcher."

"Smells like the butcher's running late," said ratNAROk.

"I think we've given them more important things to worry about," said Meepo with a wicked grin.

Bubb's lifeless eyes lit up as it saw - and smelled - the contents of the barrels. "So, you know how people would traditionally make wine? They'd put all the grapes in a barrel, and then they'd climb up and--"

"Knock yourself out, Robo-Cutter," said Space Pants. "Just do it away from us."

Meepo spotted the green sack tucked behind the barrels to the west. There were three (Rope reed bags) in a pile. The kobold searched the bags, but two were empty, and the third appeared to contain somebody's toiletries, including another of those sticks with coarse fur glued to them for rubbing on teeth. Meepo took one of the empty sacks and left the rest.

"...'Magre's Meaty Teddy Bear,'" said ratNAROk suddenly, as they left the lodge and rejoined the others in the garden.

"What?" said Edward.

"I was just thinking of a band name," said the meadowguard. "--I mean, a party name. Y'know, since Zeke asked what we call ourselves earlier."

"'The Gaslight Gospel,'" said Space Pants.

"'Country Club Panic,'" suggested Edward.

"'Bushrats,'" added Meepo.

"'Erky and the Berserkies,'" said Sergei.

"Oh, snap!!" ratNAROk hollered. "That's a good one! We could be 'The Berserkies!' I actually love that!"

"Why not 'Space Pants and the Felons?' said Erky.

Space Pants shrugged. "It's not at all outside the realm of possibility that you guys are gonna have to bust me outta prison at some point. Just givin' you all fair warning."

-------------

The party climbed 80 feet up the root-walled well, and found themselves back in the kobold throne room.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The room was in an unusual state: There were no guards around at all, only Subwo, sitting on the stone throne, his feet kicking idly as they dangled.

"Oh! Hello, Meepo!" Subwo, one of the four elite guards, waved nonchalantly at the crowned kobold.

Meepo pointed his yklwa at Subwo. "Why are you on my throne?"

"Oh, it's a long story!" Without any hesitation, Subwo hopped off of the throne and stepped aside. "Something came up from the well! It was holding a little sign that said 'Magre?' and then it went through that south door, and then there was lots of screaming, and... Oh, oh Magre..."

"He's lying," said Space Pants.

"Can I walk over and just cut his throat?" said Zumies.

"No!" ratNAROk, Alefgard, and Edward cried out in unison. "Shouldn't we hear what happened first?" the bard added, as Alefgard put his hand out to stop him.

"Not yet," said Meepo. The former Keeper of Dragons sat down upon his throne, and straightened his crown. "I have not yet been properly addressed." He glared at Subwo expectantly.

"...Uhhh, Meepo?"

"King Meepo," said the crowned kobold.

Subwo's eyes grew large, and his body very still. "...Y--yeah, yeah! King Meepo, of course!" Subwo bowed his head. "It's all yours now. Of course. No one is challenging you anymore."

"Now?" exclaimed Meepo. "Anymore??"

"Yup! Yup yup yup, that's right, it's all yours. All yours now." Subwo nodded overly enthusiastically, as if agreeing extra hard would overshadow the question Meepo was really asking.

Meepo narrowed his eyes, and recalled what he knew of Subwo. His brother, Quizno, was also one of Yusdrayl's elite guards - which meant they were Meepo's elite guards, now. He remembered seeing Quizno earlier - after they had fought the giant twig blight, it was Quizno who had come down to offer reinforcements, but Meepo had sent him back up the well and told him to hold the fort. The other two elites were Yolo and Derpe, the latter of whom Meepo had left in charge in his absence.

Before Meepo could ask of Derpe's whereabouts, Subwo seemed to break down under the apparent stress of whatever had happened recently. "But yeah, this thing, this bony thing-- it came up from the well, it walked right up to Magre and just... stabbed him! Right through the chest! Several of us tried to bring it down, but it seemed like we weren't hurting it at all. It just kept swinging, and killing... until finally, I guess it got tired of killing of poofed away!"

"Poofed?"

"Yup! 'Poof,' into a spire of red flames."

"Have the bodies been moved?"

"No - well, a couple, haha. It's a real mess in there. You can see for yourself, right on the other side of that south door."

Meepo stared at Subwo, particularly how he could not seem to stand still. Though the guard might have been telling the truth, it clearly was not the whole truth.

"Hang on, I'd like to give him something," said Zumies.

"Is it a dagger to the throat?" said Edward.

"No. Watch this."

In his dream, the half-elf had seen an image of the jade-carved, copper-wrapped dragon necklace that he'd been wearing - the one that was supposedly cursed, such that if the wearer told a lie, the truth would be broadcast telepathically to all within 50 feet. He took it off and began to place it over Subwo's neck.

"That's attuned to you, though," the bard started to say. "Does it... work like that?"

"We're about to find out," said the rogue, as he let the cord fall around the kobold's neck.

"Interesting..."

"Huh?? Who said that?!" Zumies whirled around.

"Said what?" Edward looked confused.

Zumies blinked. Then, slowly, he tapped a finger to his head twice. "...Ah. It's in here, then. Interesting..."

"Oooh, nice!" Subwo turned over the jade carving in his claws. "This is nice! Very nice! Thank you! So nice!"

"Tell me again what happened?" Meepo commanded.

Subwo huffed. "Fine. This thing - oh, it was a skeleton! - It came up from the well, and then it... And then it went through the door, and--"

IT DIDN'T JUST GO THROUGH THE DOOR. SUBWO WAS SITTING ON THE THRONE AND TOLD IT WHERE TO GO.

All present suddenly heard a sharp, low, monotone voice in their minds, receiving the same message. The room went silent, as everyone stared at Subwo for an explanation.

"Eh-heh heh... what was that?" Subwo tried his best to shrink away into the floor.

[KenboCalrissian]

Bit of an unplanned hiatus due to family emergency, be back soon!

[KenboCalrissian]

11 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Late Morning - 4 Days Until Solstice)
=============

Meepo gave Subwo a sideways glance as he shook his finger at the guard. "Don't lie to Meepo and his friends!"

Subwo fumbled nervously with the dragon pendant in his claws. "Wh-- what is this? What did you give me?"

"Where's the skeleton now?" said Space Pants.

"I told you! It killed Magre, and then we tried to kill it, but it just kept attacking like we couldn't hurt it - and eventually, it just poofed away! Red flames shot out of the ground, and it was gone! It killed four of us - Magre first... then Snicko, Kit, and Shoopda!"

There was no reaction from the pendant.

"Did it get any eyeballs or anything?" the cat inquired.

"...Yeah!" Subwo's eyes got even bigger, as if he had somehow forgotten the worst part. "It took his eyes!!"

"Oh, man," said Space Pants. "No one here knows who that is, do we guys? That could be anything. That's crazy."

"We should put that necklace on Space Pants," suggested Edward.

"Hey, wait a minute..." Subwo looked suspiciously at Space Pants. "Didn't you have a skeleton with you when you came through here the first time?"

"I dunno," said Space Pants, "Why don't you ask King Meepo?"

"That skeleton died," said Meepo.

"You heard it here first, folks," said Space Pants. "Straight from your king's mouth: No more skeleton."

Subwo relaxed. "I guess so... the one you had before had a blue cape. This one was red. And its eyes glowed red."

"Yeah, wow, it's a shame I wasn't around," said Space Pants. "I would have ordered it not to do all those horrible things."

Meepo turned his gaze upon Subwo again. "Why was it you on this throne, and not Derpe?" Meepo asked. "I left Derpe in charge. Where is he?"

"Ooh, Derpe..." Subwo shook his head. "He, ah... well... Calcryx has been restless. She killed Sallo, so Derpe went to go deal with it. He took what treasure remained up here and tried to appease her, but... she killed him, too! I don't know what's wrong with her, she just keeps killing us!"

Meepo nodded sagely, hiding his concern. Sallo and Derpe were two of Yusdrayl's four elites. The other two are Subwo, and his brother Quizno, but Quizno is missing - and those two are never apart... No. There was obviously an attempt at a coup, but Subwo must not have been involved. He wouldn't sacrifice his own brother for the throne, and the pendant would have told us by now if he was hiding something else. "Hmm..."

"Where did the skeleton die?" Space Pants asked.

Subwo pointed at the south door. "Just through there, in the common area. Like, right outside that door. It's a real mess out there..."

"Arright," said the cat. "I'm just gonna go get that eyeball." Space Pants went through the door.

As the sorcerer did that, Zumies snagged his necklace off of Subwo and slipped it back into his pocket. The kobold sighed with disappointment. "Aw... that was a nice pendant..."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

The scene before Space Pants was nothing short of a massacre. Four dead kobolds lay before him, two dragged to beds and two left where they were slain, while others stood by either wailing over the fallen or cleaning up the mess. The kobolds crying the loudest were those near the ones dragged onto fur mats, probably relatives. Magre, the dark garbed thief-lord and leader of the Thaboborsnus clan, was the most obvious among the dead, having on his person the most accoutrements and the least eyeballs.

Space Pants started checking all around the floor and beneath the fur mats for Magre's eyes. While he couldn't find where the skeleton had left them, he did find a red scorch-pattern on the floor, presumably where the skeleton had disappeared in flames as Subwo had described. The meddling felis tsked. "No eyeballs. Useless."

Zeke peeked through the door, a bit uncomfortable with the development. Erky raised a hand to stay him. "Yeah, this is par for the course with this bunch. Just do what I do... Stand back, and stay out of it."

Edward asked Space Pants, "What happened to your last Cutter?"

"Hang on, I still got him around here somewhere..." Space Pants rummaged through his pouch, and procured a piece of the previous Cutter's blue cape. "Yeah, that's the one. I don't remember what he did, just that he wasn't as good as the original."

"Wait a minute," said ratNAROk. "Zumies, gimme that pendant!"

"Okay, sure." The rogue handed over the dragon pendant.

"Erky!" ratNAROk pointed at Space Pants. "Get the spray bottle, and tell him to 'Stay!'"

"What is this?" Space Pants batted at the bottle. "Don't spray me with that! I'll put on the necklace, but I'm keepin' it."

"Good!" The mouse put the pendant on the cat. "Now! What do you know about Cutter? What's going on?"

"Cutter listens to everything I tell him," said Space Pants plainly.

"Listens?" ratNAROk pressed. "Present-tense? Cutter's still around?"

"Yeah," said Space Pants. "We made him kill all these kobolds."

"What the--" the mouse barbarian was aghast. "You didn't even try to lie!"

"Yeah, remember?" The cat sorcerer pointed at Magre's corpse. "We made him come over here and cut out that guy's eyeballs. You were all there, remember?"

"No, no," said Edward. "Don't you implicate me in any of this!"

"But you were there! Look, he doesn't have any eyeballs. Must've been Cutter, right?"

ratNAROk was about to pull his own fur off his head in frustration. "You don't-- I can't believe you're just saying that! Out loud, out in the open and stuff!"

"I definitely didn't agree to this," said Edward, throwing up his hands.

"But you were all there!" Space Pants spoke louder. "Remember when I was like, 'Hey, Cutter, go and kill that Magre guy, and gimme his eyes?' And none of you stopped me?"

"I have no recollection of this," claimed Bubb.

"Ahh, I actually do remember him saying that," said Zumies. "Heh heh..."

"Not a good time to be laughing, 'sneak king,'" said Alefgard.

"Yeah, see? Zumies remembers! I hate that guy, but he heard me anyway!"

"But why are all these kobolds dead?" said Edward.

"I'm guessing Cutter did not fully comprehend his directions," said Sergei.

During this lengthy, and blatantly obvious argument, the other kobolds started turning to look at one another, piecing together what happened.

Space Pants looked around. "I mean-- No, I didn't. That was some other Cutter. I just sent mine up to give him a stern talking toOOP!!"

Space Pants was cut off by a sudden dagger to the ribs - a critical hit, to boot. One of the kobolds had snuck up behind the cat while he was admitting to the crime. The other kobolds all started to cheer, "Yeah! Get 'im, Butterfingo!"

"Aw, man," said Edward, drawing his rapier. "We didn't even get to see if the pendant worked on Space Pants."

"No, no, don't get up," said Space Pants. "It was only 7 damage, even on a crit."

Rather than get involved, Bubb walked away toward the south of the room and sat down on a fur cot. From its vantage point, the armored swarm could see an open room filled with more kobolds sitting around a fire, but they only looked out with curiosity. Bubb waved and simply watched the fight from afar.

Erky was happy to see Space Pants get his come-uppance, but concerned the situation might turn dire for the group. As a compromise, the gnome stepped forward, holding his holy symbol of Thrathdad the Morals of Authority high. "Arright, enough games! Everybody's gonna start telling the truth now!!" Slamming his symbol into the ground, a 15-foot radius sphere formed around him, creating a Zone of Truth encircling everyone in the area - except Bubb.

"Oh no," said Space Pants, still bleeding. "It'd be a shame if I resisted that." Space Pants resisted that.

Erky looked at Space Pants' shank wound and smirked. "Better hope somebody else helps you with that."

Zumies pulled out his dagger and stepped towards Bofa the kobold, but paused. "Meepo, what say you? You're the king, but they attacked - do they live or die?"

Meepo held up a hand and called out. "Kobolds! Lower your weapons... or die!" Under his breath, the crowned kobold muttered, "This is it... my dream come true!

"As you wish." Instead of gutting the nearest kobold, Zumies cast Blade Ward to guard himself in case the kobolds turned treacherous.

Some of the kobolds backed off. However, two of them - notably, Kat and Whoop, who were mourning the killings of their siblings Kit and Shoopda, would not calm down. "Never! We want that cat's blood!!"

Meepo slammed the butt of his yklwa onto the ground. "Sentence them to death! Both of them!"

Butterfingo, the kobold who had stabbed Space Pants, suddenly grasped his own head, screaming. "Aack! Aaack!! Aaaack!!" Moments later, he fell over dead.

Everyone stopped and stared at the scene. Meepo coughed. "Uhm... do we have any idea why that just happened?"

"Nope," said Space Pants. still holding his guts in. "No idea. Could've been anybody. I mean anything."

Kat and Whoop clutched their daggers, uncertain what to do.

"I am your king," Meepo reiterated. "You have to listen to me: Any kobolds who attack right now, your life is forfeit. Kat, Whoop - you've already been sentenced."

"P-please..." Kat's dagger quivered in her hand. "They killed our brothers!"

Alefgard crossed his arms and waited for them to act out of turn. Zeke, out of both kindness and ignorance to the cat's antics, rushed in with a Keoghtom's Ointment and spread the green, pasty goo over Space Pants' wound. The cut closed in moments.

"Thanks, Zeke," said Space Pants. "I really didn't do anything."

"I feel like that pendant definitely should've gone off by now," said Alefgard. "Must be somethin' wrong with it. Or maybe it's not meant to be passed around like that."

There was a response, but only Space Pants could hear - a pair of voices in his mind, conversing over the necklace.

"Nope. And now they've gone and overdone it. I really need to work on balancing these things..."

"Balance?? Ehehehehe... This is why you should let me design more items. Just to watch 'em hang themselves with 'em..."

Space Pants' ears twitched. Then, he doubled-down. "No, really guys, I didn't do anything. That guy died of natural causes," he said, pointing at Butterfingo, still twitching and frothing.

Meepo narrowed his eyes. That ear twitch... He was certain now that something was going on. There was some reason why the pendant wasn't working like it did before - and Space Pants knew why, and wasn't telling. "Mmmm..."

By now, the kobolds had backed off, snarling with their weapons drawn, but not attacking. Edward and Sergei squared off just to keep them back.

Meepo rapped his yklwa on the ground again. "Everyone who can hear me... This fighting ends here! Sheathe your weapons, and meet me in the throne room. Now."

With that, the kobold king sauntered past his subjects to retake his throne.

ratNAROk put his scimitars away. "Well, you heard the lil' guy - court's in session!"

[KenboCalrissian]

11 Malachite, 212, Mid-Summer (Noon - 4 Days Until Solstice)
=============

Meepo paraded into the throne room and claimed his throne. As the party and kobolds followed, Zumies pulled Edward aside.

"Now's a good distraction," said the rogue. "Let's go look for loot!"

"Yeah, why not?" said the bard. "Maybe we'll find some information about this place."

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Zumies and Edward ventured back through the hazy dragon hallway, and back to the room where they'd first encountered Calcryx. A gaggle of kobolds had uprighted the table and sat around it squabbling over the various trinkets they'd scavenged from the room. A chalk flute, an olivine drum, and other cheaply-made or damaged baubles were strewn about the table before them.

"Approaching?!" announced a kobold holding a knife. "Ah, it's friends! Goblin killers!"

The other kobolds chattered happily. "Hooray! You're back!" "Didja kill all the others down the well?" "What'dja bring back?" "Lookit this cool rock!"

Edward laughed. "Well! It appears we've got fans!"

Zumies looked at the pile of garbage on the table with disdain. "Well, do they have any coin?"

"I'm hosting a big barter day!" The kobold at the end of the bench hoisted his copper dagger around blithely, jabbing it around the diner clockwise at each kobold as he hollered their labels. "Here's Twixo, and Hersho, and Zyro (with a 'y'), and Rutho - and I'm Varn!"

"I could've sworn you were gonna say 'Snicko,'" said Edward.

"He died," said Rutho. "Kit, too - poor Kat, she's inconsolable!"

"Inconsolable!" Varn echoed happily. "Indeed! I enjoy a complex lexicon!"

"Uhh..." Edward cocked an eyebrow. "What is this... bit?"

"I'm learning Common!" Varn cheered. "I've fully gleaned half a large language dictionary, including but absent after letter 'L.'"

"Wait a minute..." Zumies thought his eyes were about to pop out of his head. "You mean to say, you're learning Common by reading a dictionary from cover to cover, and so far know only - but every - word from 'A' through 'L'?"

"Indubitably!" declared Varn, haughtily.

Edward kicked aside Calcryx's broken chain and stood beside the table, leaning over the pile of goods with his arms spread wide. "So! It sounds like you critters need an impartial third-party to divvy this stuff up, eh?"

"Impartial!" Varn clapped gleefully. "Another exemplary jargon!"

"Impressive," said Zumies.

"Impressive!!" Varn's expression effervesced. "Even better! I like it!"

Hersho clung to the olivine drum for dear life. "This one mine! I already said it mine a hundred times, that makes it mine."

Twixo licked the drum. "There! Now it's mine!"

"Nooo! Now I gotta start over! It's mine it's mine it's mine it's mine--"

"Fellas, please!" Edward gestured for the kobolds to calm down. "There's a civilized way to do this. We'll go through each item one at a time and bid on it!"

"Bid! Bid!" Zyro (with a 'y') bounced in her chair. "I like that! ...What is 'bid?'"

Zumies smirked. "No problem, we'll show you how it's done. First, get all that junk out of the way, and put any coin you've got on the table."

"Any? All coin?" Varn glared at Zumies. "I am leery..."

"C'mon, let's just see what we're working with here."

Edward put on his best smile. "A gentleman's bid! Just like we do on the surface," he lied. "Hand me that drum while you're at it."

"No!" screamed Hersho. "My drum!"

One by one, the kobolds dumped pouches of copper and silver onto the table in front on them. Zumies perked up as he heard the familiar chingling of change. "Mmm... I can hear it; One of those ain't silver."

"Okay, Hersho," said Edward. "How much you wanna give for this--"

"It mine!" Hersho threw his entire fortune at Edward. "Here! Take it all, I want it!"

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

"Cool, cool," said Edward, grinning. "The current bid is 3 copper! Who can pay more than that?"

"Here!" Varn blurted. "A dozen copper for a drum!" He flung his coins across the chalk buffet.

"Ha-hah!" Twixo had nine copper, plus a single silver, and pushed it all in front of Edward. "Everyone knows grey-shinies worth more! I have more than you! That means it's mine!"

"Confound it!" Varn acquiesced.

"Oh, oh!" Zyro (with a 'y') pushed her pile into Twixo's. "I want it too!"

"What are you doing?!" Twixo screamed. "You're mixing it all together!! How many did you have?!"

"I had all of it!" Zyro (with a 'y') said happily. "Look, I had a grey shiny like you, too! Do I get the drum?"

"But how many copper did you have?!" Twixo frantically counted the coins on the table on his claws. "...8, 9, 10... I can't count any higher! How do I know you had more?!"

"Umm..." Rutho sheepishly pushed her coins into the growing pile - four copper, and a platinum. "I did this. Did I do good?"

"Yes, you certainly did!" Zumies scooped all of the kobold's coins into the bag of holding - slipping the platinum up his sleeve, of course. "The drum is yours!"

"Noooo!!!" Hersho wailed at the top of his lungs.

"Good!" said Twixo. "I just didn't want you to have it! Banging on that thing all night right next to my bunk... Rutho can have it. She sleeps on the other side of room, so I don't have to hear it!"

"Cool, very good," said Edward, nodding to Zumies with a sly grin. "Very nice! Okay, on to the next item. What is that, a flute made of chalk?"

"Sounds messy," said Zumies. "Who would want--"

"It's mine!" screamed Hersho. "It's mine it's mine it's--"

"Dude, chill!" Zumies held out his hands. "You'll bid on it like last time! Now, put all your coins on the table..."

"What coins?!" Twixo yelled. "You already took all our coins!"

"Bewilderment!" exclaimed Varn. "...Betrayal!"

"Now, now, hold up!" Edward held up his lute and struck a chord, getting their attention with a song while attepting to ease their hostility:

"Gentlekobolds, your plight we see;
You've spent all your hard-earned money!
But, fret not, there's another way;
Trade with secrets and in-for-may..." Edward paused. "...shun. Information."

"Nice save," teased Zumies.

"In-for-MAY-tion!" Varn intonated. "Here is hallowed shrine for Nelare Fedíofi Fonenelare--"

"Flickersizzles the Glowing Silvers!" Twixo interrupted.

"Hush, loquacious interloper!" Varn continued. "Nelare is last known living adult dragon in Buzong Xömlox, but has been absent for long! Here is Citadel devoted for her - Nelare is Last Dragon Empress, but her location cannot be ascertained!"

"We already know that," said Zumies impatiently, keeping to himself that they know where she is... "Wait-- did you say 'adult' dragon?!"

Twixo intervened. "Written history of Buzong Xömlox goes back 212 years, that we know of. But, we believe the world - and the four most powerful dragons in it - are much older than that.

"Ah, yes," Edward recalled the names of the dragons from a memory of the musings of a lovely librarian he'd once wooed with his music:

"Obin Evekamde Anstridpalath (a.k.a. Obin "Flickergilt the Sizzling Diamond"), died 185;
Nelare Fedíofi Fonenelare (Nelare "Flickersizzles the Glowing Silvers"), MIA;
Ongong Uslotxosna Obasp Zedan (Ongon "Brandedgilt the Pearl of Fire"), died 163;
Obasp Ongonggnosmu Angot Toslu (Obasp "Goldensizzles the Taxes of Jade"), died 107."

"Yes, yes!" Zyro (with a 'y') was pleased to hear their names. "There once were more, in a time before man's recordings, but between territorial infighting amongst themselves and other mythical creatures, and then the rise of armed civilizations, eventually only four remained. Then three, then two, then one... and then, none. At least, there's been no word of Nelare, the dragon to whom the Sunken Citadel was dedicated."

"What about Calcryx?" said Zumies. "Where'd she come from?"

"No one knows!" Rutho hopped up onto the table. "Calcryx was recovered as an egg from a lucky salvage by Yusdrayl herself! In fact, that's how the Chukujrulus tribe began. When Obin Flickergilt the Sizzling Diamond was shot and killed by the human Pethit Idolplaits in Agesgloomy, it was a terrible omen for dragonkind; Not only was Obin the oldest of the dragons, but he was the last known living male."

"Oh," said Edward, uncertain how to respond. He'd seen and heard tale of too many settlements burned to smoldering wreckage by the wanton attacks of dragonkind. Even so, the implications here were dire. "So, besides Nelare and Calcryx..."

"No more dragons are known," said Hersho woefully.

Rutho went on. "Obin's lair was ransacked, and of it, only three kobolds survived: Yusdrayl, and the brothers Isnef and Ratsgu. The trio went on to become highway bandits - and deadly ones, at that. One day, they caught a careless, but powerful wizard's wagon by surprise and, in a bloody battle that cost Isnef and Ratsgu their lives, Yusdrayl overcame the wizard and stole his treasure -  a white dragon egg!"

"Really, is that how it happened?" Judging by what he knew of the villainous ex-leader, Edward had a feeling Yusdrayl's lone survival of the encounter was not an accident.

"Where there's an egg, there's a mating pair," said Zumies. "If Obin died over twenty years ago, that egg can't be his. Right?"

Edward nodded. "I was thinking the same thing... perhaps we haven't heard the last of dragonkind yet."

"It was with this egg that Yusdrayl lured other kobolds to her cause," Rutho prattled on, raising her volume as she got more into telling the story. "Eventually, the dragon hatched, and Calcryx was born! Yusdrayl succeeded in taming her right away, all by herself herself - an impressive feat that immediately garnered her the clout needed to form her own tribe. But, as managing the tribe took over her life, she no longer had time for Calcryx, and instead assigned other kobolds to watch after her. This made Calcryx very angry, and one by one, she would slay her keepers! Some say she wanted only to be cared for by Yusdrayl - but the newly queened kobold had a community to run.

"There were many 'Keepers of Dragons' before Meepo. In fact, the title was actually less of a badge of honor and more of a death sentence - even a mockery, as it eventually fell to the weakest kobolds who weren't expected to survive long on their own anyway. Meepo was lucky. Having learned the ways of a cleric, he was able to heal himself from Calcryx's wrath, and gradually she came to accept him as well - whether she respected his resilience, or simply recognized that he could heal her too, Meepo became the longest running 'Keeper of Dragons,' in spite of Yusdrayl's actual intentions."

"Sounds more like a sacrifice to me," said Edward.

"Or a snack-rifice!" Zumies, making finger-guns at the bard.

"Hey, that's a meanie thing to say!" Twixo crossed his arms, perturbed.

"Thank you-- Rutho, was it?" Edward applauded, once again to distract the kobolds from raising aggression. "That was incredibly detailed! The chalk flute is yours!"

"Aw, sweet! I got both!" Rutho put the chalk flute up to her snout, inhaled chalk dust, and sneezed, sending the flute clattering and shattering on the floor. "Ah-choo! Aw, snap! Whose idea was it to make a wind instrument out of chalk, anyway? Oh, well!"

Varn grabbed the fanciest item available - a half-eaten gopher - and demanded Edward advertise it. "Do it! Hurry!"

"Oh, come on," said Zumies. "We ain't got all day. Where's all the valuable stuff?"

"It has all been donated into Calcryx's hoard," lamented Varn. "But assuade her, it did little."

As if on cue, there was a terrible roaring, blasting, icy sound, screaming through the halls not far beyond the doorway.

"Oh, no!" Twixo hid under the table. "Not again!"

"It's mine!!" Hersho grabbed the gopher carcass and scurried into the corner. "It's mine it's mine it's mine it's mine--"

"Ack!" Varn clamored into a hullabaloo. "Everyone flee hastily!"

Another cacaphonous, chilly roar echoed through the halls, followed by screams of several kobolds. And another.

"That's our cue!" said Edward. "C'mon, Zumies - let's see what kind of trouble the others have gotten us into."

"Yeaaah," Zumies said, taking one last look at the room behind them - kobolds cowering beneath tables, chattering in corners over rotting meat, hammering away at a stone drum - and snickered. "We've caused enough of our own here. But, hey -" he shook the Bag of Holding. "At least we've emptied their pockets!"