School going any better?
Yes, actually. There were some of the usual problems, but they were dealt with in less than a week. Lost some sleep, one final didn't go as well as it might have, but there was no descent into catastrophe. Grades haven't come out yet but they'll probably be fine.
In some ways this year has been really bizarre. In other ways it feels pretty much the same as any other. Complete with usual familial and academic... stuff.
Forgive me for mentioning it. It hasn't exactly been a great day, so this is what's taking up real estate in my mind. Should probably delete it before posting, chances are I won't end up doing so. Might just edit it out later.
You didn't, but that's okay. Not sure I would have mentioned it, but I don't think you were in a great place, mentally, back when you wrote this. Being home still isn't my favorite thing, but I think I'm more able to handle it. No looming deadlines, I'm actually getting sleep, I've come to understand that a certain person is not so benevolent as we thought they were. Parents might've backed off a bit. It's not a perfect fix, I still want to get out of here, but it's easier to maintain boundaries.
Ever end up running one of the games you're planning? Right now the plan is to start a thing in the next week or so. You know the one. I'm curious how that will work out.
Nope. I'm... not proud of how that turned out. I panicked, dropped off the face of the Earth, and then got distracted by schoolwork and eventually a summer job before I had worked up the courage to reemerge. Probably my one big regret from this year, now that the dust has settled and I've had a few weeks to reflect on things. There are people who deserve apologies.
Granted, things could be a lot worse. I just... hope you feel better about everything. Or that you've gotten to a place where you can like yourself a little more. Small steps.
I think I have, yeah. Enough so that this sentiment feels a little foreign.
I'm not feeling great about myself at the moment (see: the stuff I talked about in the entry above this one), but it's been a while since I've experienced the sort of self-loathing you describe here. There was a point where I decided that it was okay to forgive myself, even if the problems haven't been solved and I'm not guaranteed to do better.
I
am hoping to do better, but I'm better off if don't hate myself until that happens. Or so this particular thought-process goes. It wasn't really so clear-cut as I was thinking it, this is just what came out when I tried to put it in words.
What did you decide to major in? It's going to feel so weird to have an actual answer to that question.
Economics! Which really is not what we thought would happen, but it turns out you'll have a really amazing professor when you take micro next semester. Also planning to do a comp sci major, though it hasn't been formalized yet. That involves cramming two or three extra classes into the next few semesters, since I'm starting so late, but I think it'll be worthwhile.
Now career stuff is the next big thing. Internships, etc. I'm not really sure what I'm doing, but it's not so bad as the hopelessness you were feeling this time last year. I know the approximate direction I'm going in, now it's just a matter of trying things and seeing what sticks.
Have you been remembering your dreams lately? Recall any of the ones I had last night? There should be something in the usual place, if you need a reminder. Two people talking simultaneously. We can make it a little experiment, it'll be interesting to see how much of that you retain.
A little? I've been retaining more than I usually do, but I haven't actually been writing them down. There was one incident where I dreamed about something very mundane, woke up with a firm recollection that it had happened, and discovered later in the day that it had not.
I checked the document you're talking about, but I have no idea how to differentiate the dream you had this time from all the other dreams you've recorded there. Probably should have identified it somehow.
How did 2021 compare to 2020? I know all the counting down is a bit facetious, but I can't help thinking that it's an imaginary distinction. That said, there's a vaccine now, so maybe circumstances will improve and 2020 actually will be the worst year ever. Let me know how it goes.
This is a very 2020 thought. Right now the pandemic feels less like an unprecedented disaster and more like something that's always happening in the background, like schoolwork or a presidential election. That said, you're right, things did actually improve a bit. There was an entire semester in which you attended all of your classes in person. I attended? We attended? I've been using pronouns more or less at random this entire time.
Anyway, there are variants now, and I think COVID is supposed to become endemic rather than turning into a pumpkin when the clock strikes midnight, but I doubt you'll have to live through another instance of spring 2020.
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Topic: Time Capsule 2021: CLOCK B TICKIN'! (Read 2885 times)