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[Blaidd_Drwg]

... game plays YOU!

OK so inspired by Kinneus' lulzworthy comparison of human museums vs dwarven museums, I'd like to start a thread about dwarf culture in general and how it differs from human culture. With sexy^H^H^H^Hhilarious results!

I'll start us off:

In Human towns, murder is considered a capital offense. In Dwarf Fortress, murder is considered a beatable offense - unless you use your victim's flesh to make something really cool, like a dwarf leather thong that menaces with spikes of dwarf bone. Yeah baby.

In Human towns, men go out to work while women stay at home and look after the kids. In Dwarf Fortress, men and women are usually indistinguishable, unless they have a child in which case the mother will drag it everywhere - to work, down the mine shaft and of course to fight the goblins.

In Human towns, metalsmiths hold red hot metal with a pair of tongs and beat it into shape with a hammer. In Dwarf Fortress, metalsmiths hold red hot metal with their bare hands and beat it into shape with their fists.

[steelabjur]

In Human towns, cats and dogs are beloved pets. In Dwarf Fortress, they're what's for dinner.

In Human towns, Nobles are to be respected. In Dwarf Fortress, they are to be experimented on.

In Human towns, Zoos are places visited while out on the town. In Dwarf Fortress, they are places visited while out for dinner.

[Hypcso]

In Human Towns, Humans wear one set of clothing and regularly purchase new clothing when it starts to get old.

In Dwarf fortress, Dwarves wear 8 sets of clothes in various states of decay until they all eventually rot away, then run about naked.

[Slappy Moose]

In human towns, draw bridges are safe, in dwarf fortress they sure as hell are not.

[Ancient Whale]

In Human towns it's quite all right to eat something even if it hasn't visited the food stockpiles yet. In Dwarf Fortress, starvation is preferable to disregarding proper procedure.

In Human towns, beating leaves the criminal bloodied, but alive. In Dwarf Fortress, a beating leaves the criminal with an unrecognisable mass of flesh and bone where the head used to be.

In Human towns, grandiose restaurants are decoarated with various subtle or otherwise appropriate paintings, silk curtains and whatnot, and customers are waited on by polite and sophisticated waiters and brought food made by acclaimed chefs and pay generous amounts of money for the service. In Dwarf Fortress, a legendary dining hall is a giant square room out of stone engraved on every surface with masterpieces depicting elephantine slaughter of dwarves, the tables are of very differing quality and made out of rock, as well as the chairs. Guests bring their food themselves straight from the food stockpile, usually unworked mushrooms but sometimes masterfully minced mushroom spawn. No drinks are served.

In Human towns, women take a few weeks off before childbirth and have difficulty giving birth to their babies, and then take some months off work while they nurture their newborn before going back. In Dwarf Fortress, babies may pop out of a dwarven female at any time, without warning. They pick the newborn up and immediately resume their prior task.

[Leerok the Lacerta]

In Dwarf Fortress, fire is an undetectable but deadly disease.

Infinite energy can be obtained by using a vertical ring of dihydrogen monoxide.

Dwarves live in mortal fear of deer and hoary marmots.

With cave-ins disabled, one can create floating islands.

Dwarves are extremely greedy, gathering clothing and other equipment, usually ignoring their fallen brethren and goblins until they become late.

Geothermal power is an extremely limited resource.

Dwarves tend to be extremely environment-unfriendly, requiring many trees if they cannot find magma.

Goblins are interminable loiterers.

Merchants are known to have consumed excessive amounts of mercury.

Dragons are nothing but hot air with TEMPERATURE disabled.

One locale can have both ice and water outdoors in adjacent tiles with TEMPERATURE disabled.

Nobles flock to deathtrap fortresses.

One axle can channel infinite amounts of torsion.

A masterwork bolt is more valuable than a child.

Animals are culled so that everyone else can move faster.

Elves give wood, but they don't like to take it.

A fireproof structure can be constructed from charcoal.

The mere presence of dwarves will cause drought in some locations.

Attempting to reference bathing will return a null pointer.

If traders have extra space, they don't mind being offered trash, as long as it is your trash.

Machines can only be made from stone parts.

Conservation of energy and matter is a theory that has been disproved.

Vermin have the same properties as quantum mechanics from NetHack.

The insane are ignored.

A bin looks exactly like a set of up/down stairs.

Dwarves revel in the imagery of their dead brethren.

Historians know everything about obscure people who have accomplished nothing, and are completely mystified by fortresses that have created many artefacts and have been visited by many traders.

[Asehujiko]

In Human towns, the executioner is a feared person. In Dwarf fortress, the plumber is a feared person.

[Bricktop]

quote:Elves give wood, but they don't like to take it.

Elves are tops?

In Human towns nobles all have their own personal palaces. In dwarf towns 20 nobles are willing to share a room as long as there is a platinum statue in it.

[frostedfire]

In human town, goblins are spotted 50m away and dispatched in 5 seconds.

In dwarven town, goblins are undetected in a room of 20 dwarves and the mother doesn't notice her child being put in a bag and carried outside   :mad:

[Jreengus]

In human towns people wash reguly, in dwarf fortress soap is a useless good fit only to be unloaded on traders and you are considered extremely clean if you only have 1 type grime on you

[Alfador]

In human town, wolves are scared away by people with fire.
In dwarf fortress, wolf scares you!

In human town, merchants have large shops with many goods on tables and floor.
In Soviet dwarf fortress, merchants come a few times a year and everyone helps with the trading and crafting.

In human town, everybody wears the finest clothes their profession can afford.
In dwarf fortress, everybody wears whatever's available until it rots off, at which point we have nudist dwarf fortress and everybody is happy--unless the climate is too cold, in which case everybody's feet fall off.

In human town, volcanic eruptions are to be feared due to the unfathomable heat and destruction caused by lava and pyroclastic flows.
In dwarf fortress, we seek out volcanic vents while there's still magma below the ground, so we can heat metal to the aforementioned unfathomable heat and beat it into shape with our bare hands. (Idea time: Magma workshops needing a constructed wall's worth of insulation between a dwarf and the actual magma, whether naturally there, channeled, or piped--similar to the layers of protection between human operators and the core of a nuclear reactor. That and perhaps hammers of at least stone needing to be crafted before a forge can be constructed. After all, stone crafts can be shaped by grinding two rocks together, but you'll need SOMEthing to hold a bar of metal with while you hammer it into chain mail.   )

In human town, people who've had too much alcohol to drink hang around the Mayor's office and do nothing.
In dwarf fortress, people who've had too little alcohol hang around and do nothing. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH ALCOHOL IN DWARF FORTRESS.