Hierarchy: Turn 3
Now Wai is EmpressIn a rare display of direct intervention, the
Arbitrary Arbiter has been issued a
smiting warrant on Prince Wen. The manner and timing of his tragic but ultimately justified end for violating ancient customs of hospitality and protection of messengers are now in the hands of this venerable judge. Numerous angels wishing to fulfill this
smiting warrant are now queuing around the
Ministry of Smiting's main offices.
Du-ur openly backs Princess Wai, and most of the
Ministry of Civilization aligns with the
Du-uke on this matter. The more proactive in the department have begun processing the paperwork involved in transferring the
Mandate.
Godly intelligence suggests that not all godly interventions will necessarily manage to fire before the heartland nobles charge, but the 100-fold time dilation helps.
Suddenly, a swarm of embers flew down from Heaven and struck Prince Wen, incinerating him! With their previous candidate slain, the heartland nobles waver, and there are whispers of infighting to install one of their own as Emperor. The followers of Lady Wero and Lord Wiq grow distrustful of each other. (The smiting contractors outside the
Ministry of Smiting are somewhat disappointed about not being able to execute such a high-profile contract.)
Du-uke Du-ur belatedly noticed that as a result of a mysterious bureaucratic mixup, Du-uke was only cleared for an
indirect intervention! Unheard on Earth, Du-ur slams the shameful quarrelers from Heaven, and the Key turns as the magnificent gate to the imperial manor opens. The claimants and their forces (save Princess Wai and her cadre of Doormakers) look on with disbelief. Giving thanks to Du-ur for the incredible miracle, Princess Wai orders a charge on the imperial manor sparing her father!
Prince Wen: "Sizzle..."
Princess Wai: "Praise be to Du-ur, Gate and Key, Opener of the Wai, and Portal of Past and Future! With Heaven on our side, we shall surely prevail!"
General Hao: "I can neither confirm nor deny that I am in agreement with the Princess' request to spare the Emperor."
Oracle Mei Bi: "Begun the throne war has."
Lady Wero: "See this genealogical report divinely notarized by the Ministry of Records in Heaven? It proves that the Emperor's lineage traces its descent from a cadet branch two hundred years ago. I, however, am a surviving scion and the legitimate head of the previous dynasty!"
Lord Wiq: "My hands are red? That's not blood! That's just sauce! We eat delicious food, okay?"
Consort Wato: "I dedicate our victory to the loving, radiant Fas, Marshal of Heaven and Fairest in the land. This palace will make a beautiful House of Peace, Love, and More Love after our inevitable triumph."
Guildmaster That declined to comment.
Taba Khan declined to comment.
With the skillful leadership of the General, the wisdom of the Oracle, the banner of the Princess, and the glory of Lu's angel, the forces of the inner ring swiftly and decisively punched through the few guards in the Emperor's modest garrison even as the Doormakers held the door closed on the nobles' forces. Shaken by Heaven's overwhelming support for the three inside, entire battalions in the heartland nobles' employ deserted so as to avoid angering the gods.
On entering the Emperor's barricaded chambers, the claimants' forces were set upon by the Emperor's loyal, elite guards. The loyalists fought long and hard, but heavily outnumbered as they were, it was only a matter of time before they were defeated with no sign of the Emperor. The apprehensive Princess, General, Oracle, and Consort searched the twisting passages of the manor until nightfall, when the Princess discovered her father the Emperor had earlier been cut down by her own hand while he was disguised as one of his guards. Distraught, the notional Empress called on her medics, but alas, nothing could be done with the Underworld still out of reach of even the gods.
Princess Wai has gained the Kinslayer trait!
Disturbed but resolute, the royal couple and their allies began discussing the matter of the succession and ongoing siege. Mei Bi and Hao managed to extract considerable compensation for their part in the Princess' accession, and Wato was eager to begin renovating the manor as a House of Peace, Love, and More Love much to the chagrin of everyone present. There was also the matter of reversing the extensive decentralization implemented by the late Emperor. General Hao presented a war plan emphasizing quick and thorough subjugation of the heartlands with extensive recruitment of local loyalists immediately following the breaking of the little siege. Oracle Mei Bi claimed to see too much bloodshed in this route and instead suggested summoning the Emperor's deputies and trying a more diplomatic reconsolidation of the former core of the [kingpire]. Wato liked the idea of a show of force and mentioned that he had mercenary contacts that would be happy to lend their services in exchange for the right of first refusal to forfeited assets. General Hao was understandably not terribly supportive of this plan.
Later that evening, scouts reported that a significant fraction of the nobles' forces had abandoned the siege. Hao and Wato began planning a suitably glorious coronation proccession to the main palace in the capital perhaps followed by a brief ceremony to seal a convenient marriage with the Oracle. Upon the arrival of Lu's
glorious messengers, the General and Oracle are pleasantly surprised to hear that Tuuok, Mion, Lu, and Du-ur (!!) approve of their union and place on the throne. They have begun plotting against the nominal Empress and her consort.
The
Ministry of Civilization is gravely disappointed with what appears to be du-uble-dealing on the
Du-uke's part with regards to support for pretenders for the imperial throne.
Afraid to become slipshodThere is a wave of int
ranecine violence in which initiates and neophytes of various cults have slain their superiors. This is especially worrying because only a day has passed since last Heaven turned.
- Gem Setter: "Maybe we could just put all the good treasure in the public areas of our temples so our priests don't get murdered for them?"
- Carpenter: "Our god has given us the technology we need to stop this wave of killings, and we should upgrade all temple doors for enhanced security and thus keep the murderers out. Our priesthood excels at this sort of business. Win-win!"
- Nonmurderer: "This fool actually believes doors will stop the killers! Ha ha ha! I say we let it run its course and it'll stop--for a reasonable fee, of course."
- Ecstatic One: "Maybe there are some...harvest rituals from the time of the old gods we can use to put an end to this violence. 'Make [peace], not war,' as they all say! Surely it wouldn't cause any lasting harm to incorporate these bits of culture?"
- Amateur Mycologist: "I think that priest has the right idea. Let's just partake of the bounty of vegetables and mushrooms and celebrate life instead of dwelling on death."
- Stasistician: "It's just a statistical I mean stasistical outlier that happens once in every 10000 or maybe 100000 days. You can safely ignore it!"
- Strong One: "I'm sure there'd be fewer killings if you'd just give the priests better guards. Maybe monstrous ones from the prison?"
- Shrinekeeper: "Paragon Lu! This goes without saying, but do NOT under any circumstances release the monsters in the Imperial Prison to be our guards! It is a terrible idea that will only lead to more deaths!"
- Stonewarden: "I'm inclined to agree with the stasistician over this turbulent priest. This murder business is a passing fad that will soon be over if you'll just let it run its course."
- Local magistrate: "What ridiculous suggestions these fools give. Create monstrous guards? Craft mimic doors? Do these lunatics think we live in a fantasy world of some sort? We will investigate the murders lawfully and prosecute the murderers as the law demands. No need for this foolish nonsense about monsters and murdoors!"
Celebratory office constructionConstruction has begun on the shining new office complex. It appears the grand construction will supply offices for the Ministries of
Civilization and
Records. Angels in both ministries are exuberant and have already begun jockeying for the offices with the best views and access to angelic amenities (e.g. barrel racks).
Paragon Lu has contributed 15 Glory to the construction of an additional wing.
Monstrous mortal makingThere are currently two major schools of thought on how to improve the Garden's monstrosity per capita. The first one, a classic among gods, is Elda's approach. It presumably entails creating a breeding stock of monstrous mortals to distribute later. The other is Lu's approach and involves reclassifying existing mortals, animals, and reality-harming horrors as a monstrous race of some sort. Few other gods seem to be convinced that doing either is a good idea, but something must be done and this is definitely something. Unfortunately, there is as yet no funding or additional interest in this plan. On the other hand, the recent wave of priest murders could potentially be solved through the use of protective monsters as a member of the Strong Ones said.
Assorted gossip- Giant angel clowns are reportedly terrorizing newly converted priests
- Inspired by Ajanar's herd, elaborate headdresses with tusks and giant leaves are currently popular in heavenly social functions
- The Ministry of Records has recently hired a horde of demons
Rogue ministryIn light of the
Ministry of Mortal Constructions' continuing open defiance of Heavenly law, all of their activities have been halted, with their offices locked down. and their assets frozen. Their board stands accused of contravention of Council law, illegal construction, and construction of buildings not observing the Standard Average Village Building Code.
The flow of timeArchivist Mion has elected to further dilate timeflow, meaning that only one day in the mortal world will have passed the next time Heaven turns.
Completely unrelated to this, a pallet of imitation godpaper made from the jade quarried in the spooky cavern was found at the
Ministry of Records today. Those selected to receive rations of the imitation godpaper complain of its terrestrialness and fragility.
The Hunt for Blue AprilFueled by a little interdepartmental rivalry, the
Ministry of Records and the
Angelic Host are rushing to claim the ruinous Comet. The
Angelic Host hopes the largely mortal-forged arms and armor will hold up against this awful harbinger of misfortune.
Marshal Fas has led the Angelic Host to the Comet, and in a stirring battle about which tales will be told for centuries, their slashes and smashes and slices and smitings brought the terrible foe of Heaven down seemingly without a counterblow. Its wispy tail and fell, frosted body are now in the
Ministry of Might's trophy halls awaiting
taxidermy,
tailoring, or
tasting.
The Comet has been struck down!
Fas has gained the Cometslayer title!
This did not come without a price, as the jealous Assassin-Goddess Mion chose this time to strike at and disfigure Fas' face.
Fas has lost the Fairest title!
The Fairest in all of Heaven's domain is now a peasant beekeeper in the woods despite Mion's best attempts at self-pampering, but provided no one prods young Black Ice into divinity, Fas is expected to resume being the Fairest shortly.
A
team led by
Archivist Mion got plenty of good data (and comet dust) out of this excursion. Some of the comet dust has inexplicably disappeared. Prominent detective Damage-Esoteric-Asteroids announces that the
Ministry of Purity is conducting an investigation into local drug markets of questionable existence to see if the missing comet dust turns up.
Strike a blow for fundingA slowly coalescing coalition of angels from all greater ministries (with the notable exception of the
Ministry of Glory) are angry with the recent budgetary revolution and have begun protesting at the
Ministry of Glory's offices, reducing productivity everywhere a little bit. Masterful bargainers among them are trying to convince Ajanar to dump the elephants there for free to further chip away at their influence.
Pink elephants on parade"
I cannot very well pasture my herd for free! They demand much care, and it would be unforgivable for a guest to burden his host so."
Staring into an abyssA party of angels endowed with a fairly large grant have continued searching for signs of a connection to the Underworld. Little has changed in a day, and no response is anticipated for another few weeks as before. If only there were some way to make time flow faster...
Adventurers' GuildAt
Manager Tuuok's behest, the
Ministry of the Realm has drafted a charter for a Joint Committee on Heroic Quests to better ensure that heroes receive appropriate and sufficient support and resources for their questing. Visiting heroes are ecstatic about the possibilities, and the more letterly among them have already begun filing applications for quest grants related to cleansing the infernal hellscape in Heaven's backyard.
Ministry of Glory (NOTE: OUT OF DATE)
- Heaven's vault is relatively impoverished at 14 units of Funding.
- Tithes and taxes from the Garden are currently set at Moderate, set to return 60 units of Funding by the end of the turn.
- The Nod of the Sun is such that it returns 67 units of Funding.
- Upkeep for all ministries was 105 units of Funding this turn.
- Total funding from the Sun and worship increased by +5 units this turn. Allocate these units among the Ministries, greater and lesser, as fairly as possible. Your bureau heads will not approve a budget resulting in a deficit greater than -3.
Sun's Court - The Sun is rather glorified
- The courtiers have heard 1 Prophecy this turn and taken steps to benefit from it.
- Whisper this to other Ministries, greater and lesser, to maximize the benefits to Heaven before it becomes obsolete next turn.
- There is growing support for the creation of monstrous races to repel barbarians in these trying times
- Your prophets and the mortal doomsayers have earned you the Sun's favor (or so say some of the courtiers)
Ministry of Might - The angelic host is on standby and very poorly equipped
- The Kingdom's armies are concentrated around the imperial manor and fully equipped
- You may expend Funding or Influence to rearm Heaven's armies or do so using your personal income.
- Imperial pyrotechnicians are en route to the Barbarian Empire of Yan. Your strategists recommend smiting them or at least capturing them to prevent a leak of imperial secrets like gunpowder
- Taba Khan is rallying steppe tribes for an invasion, but why now?
Ministry of Pontifice - The scouts in the Great Steppe report that emissaries from many khans (including Taba Khan) have been sent to one khan in particular
- Taba Khan continues rallying steppe tribes for an invasion, but why?
- The contacts in the imperial capital report that the imperial army is a few hours away from the imperial manor
- The emissaries in the Kingdom of Dalhim have reported that all is well
- The celestial emissaries report that relations with the Helpers are cordial
- The emissaries in the Barbarian Empire of Yan report that the Vam, a lawyer-warlord from beyond the forests, is coming to seize control of the struggling empire, but no one seems to be worried
- The southwestern scouts having nothing positive to report regarding the Southwestern Bonelands
- The Underworld offices are not in contact with Heaven (and the earliest the expedition can return results is likely five weeks from now)
Ministry of the Realm - The Ministry of Mortal Constructions has gone ahead with rebuilding the villages the mortals lost to the Deluge and is actively defying the Council
- Current projections show that the ratio of villainy to heroism is still increasing in the Garden!
- Workers from the Ministry of Might demand increased protection from defunding by the Ministry of Glory
- The Ministry of the Realm has been asked to see to improving working conditions in the spooky cavern given the presence of things capable of disappearing angels
- Some auditors have discovered several employment discrepancies related to the unfolding crisis around the Emperor's residence
Ministry of Civilization - Worship is stabilizing as the tithes levied on worshipers increase
- The ministry overwhelmingly supports Princess Wai's faction
- The Emperor calls on your ministry to facilitate a peaceful transfer of power
- The Ministry of Mortal Constructions has decided to ignore the Council's zoning edict and rebuild villages destroyed in the Deluge. Prominent angels in your department suggest that they be stopped before the Council enforces its will on them.
- Princess Wai prays for a miraculous opening of the Emperor's front gate to save her supporters from the heartland nobles
- The high priests are asking that you intercede with the Paragon on the mortals' behalf, burdened as they are with tithes.
- The Ministry of Civilization has inexplicably won a contract for the creation of 55,555 doors for the heavenly offices set to be constructed by the Ministry of Heavenly Constructions.
- Taba Khan is rallying steppe tribes for an invasion, but to where?
- An inquisitorial bureau is requesting additional funds in order to combat the spread of heretical cults
- Inquisitors are beginning their training. Impatient angels suggest that you cut costs by contracting cheap training to some Ministry (at least one that isn't the Ministry of Might)
Ministry of Records - The deep probe has uncovered no evidence of your wrongdoing so far.
- The deep probe has uncovered no evidence of your bureau heads' wrongdoing so far.
- A combination of meritocratic reforms and interdepartmental rivalry with the Ministry of Might has begun improving morale
- Time is currently set to flow at 1 day per turn. You may adjust this down as far as three hours per turn or one week per turn. S̷̛̤̣͚͈̜͎̪̳̘̼̞̖͙̯̄̔̔̌̅͌͛͘͝t̵̢̡̮̘̺͇̙̺̻͔͉͖̠̞̫̹̅̈́̎́̏͂̓̽̍͌̈́́͒̕̚̕͜r̵̢̩̘̮̭͖̺̙̱͍͚̫̖͉̪͕͐̊̓͒̋̓͛͒͘ͅa̸̧̨̟̩̖̰̗̲͍̜̺̩̙̳͊̐͆̎͆̐̉̌̈̅͗̀͝n̵̨̳͖̗̦̤͋͊͜͝g̶̨͔̺̹̪̖̣͋̏͐̽̎̀̐͂͊͒͌͋̃́͘͘͝ͅẻ̵̖̯̱͓̫͙̯̣̌̇̈͋̿̈́̾̊͘ ̶̡̨̧̥̣̫̯̘̩̘̤͕͍̟̑̃́͊̌̀́͐͌̓͘̚͜t̴̮͕̤̅͒̇͌̃͌͝ȟ̵̭̞̈̀̌̈́́̒͂̄̎͌͒̊̅ỉ̸̛͉͆͌̆̉n̸̢̨̛̫̯̮͇͇͚̫͙͈̜̘̦̥͙̉͋̄̏͋̅̑̓͒̿̚̕g̵̢͍͍̭̙̠̯̞̳̭̞̭̩͇͛̿̓̎̿̒͑̅̿͜͝s̷̡̛̹̖̺̰͙͇̟̗̜̖̥̰͗͋̀̒̅̏̒ͅ have happened as a result of time continuing to slow down.
- Your clerks are far behind on their recording but are slowly but surely catching up.
- An infernal investigation concerning the illegal seizure of bureau head salaries has concluded and appears to have found evidence that Mion was in the wrong for seizing bureau head salaries. A lawsuit has been filed with a very low court in the Ministry of Records
- Prominent managers are calling for an end to trust falls due to a recent uptick in the population of fallen angels
- A wave of raises is improving morale and presumably loyalty. Some employees have quietly expressed an interest in ending the investigations.
- Cometary studies are all the rage in the Ministry
Broadcast lettersTargeted letters[/list]