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[Man of Paper]

I've had a brainworm I need to get out so I can focus completely on other things.

Welcome to A Serious Space Hoedown Of Legendary Events! A.S.S.H.O.L.E.! The first step of any adventure, as we all well know, is Character Creation. Luckily for you, all the characters are created! You as a collective simply need to decide on which one you will play as!

Spoiler: Nigel (click to show/hide)

Class: Cattle Rustler
Perks: Rootin' (get better loot), Shootin' (good with guns)
Flaws: Tootin' (uncontrollable flatulence), Cowboy (does not understand technology)
Inventory: One-Shooter (a double-action revolver with a single firing chamber), Lasso (a snaggin' rope), Can of Beans (Infinite Food. Don't Ask!)
Bio: Nigel was a simple man from a simple land making a living by stealing other people's shit while on horseback. He never stayed in one place for too long, selling off his burgled beef and moving on to the next suckers. One day Nigel realized what he was doing was bad, and he should feel bad. That moment happened to coincide with the exact moment that he'd drank himself to death. Or so he thought. Nigel is currently in Cryo on S.H.I.P.

Spoiler: Diz the Appendaged (click to show/hide)

Class: Multiarmed Alien
Perks: Three-Armed (can use more equipment at once), Thick Skinned (immune to insults)
Flaws: Three-Armed, But Bad (cannot equip shirts), Thin Skinned, But Literally Skin This Time (more susceptible to injury)
Inventory: Alien Flashlight (a human flashlight - it's alien to Diz), Pilot's License (allows access to S.H.I.P. controls), Spanner (A tool that fixes everything!)
Bio: Diz is from a species of aliens that look remarkably like humans, save for the third arm protruding from their navels. As his people are the only ones who create and fly ships anymore, Diz was obviously destined to become a pilot. Diz took a sweet gig with a prototype S.H.I.P. expecting smooth sailing, as he heard those things practically fly themselves. He is currently on his eighth stimulant beverage in the helm of S.H.I.P.

Spoiler: BuddyBot (click to show/hide)

Class: Repurposed Killbot
Perks: Grenade Launcher (can fire grenades from it's left arm), Inhuman (doesn't need O2)
Flaws: Reprogrammed Ammo (Grenade Launcher fires tennis balls), Rage (limited diplomacy options)
Inventory: Grenade Launcher Arm, Ammo Fabricator
Bio: BuddyBot served gloriously for years in wars across the stars. It had witnessed the rise and fall of galactic empires. BuddyBot had expected to die at the hands of it's enemies, but eventually it found itself stuck on a remote planet, the last thing left moving after one massive rampage ground it's treads across an entire civilization. It went into hibernation until the day came that it could strike out in glorious combat again. Instead it was found by Diz the Appendaged and reprogrammed to aid in practicing his backswing. BuddyBot is currently seething in rage outside the helm of S.H.I.P.

Spoiler: S.H.I.P. (click to show/hide)

Class: Spacefaring Hull/Intelligent Personality
Perks: Predictive A.I. (choices better foreshadow outcome), Scanners (more info on locations)
Flaws: You're A Ship (you rely on NPC crewmembers to keep you alive), Absolutely Shackled (chance for those idiot crewmembers to screw things up and do the opposite of what you tell them to)
Inventory: Anti-Recovery Device (a self-destructing nuclear warhead), USB Backup (a backup of yourself in a drawer - requires crew to use)
Bio: S.H.I.P. is ten months old and was given to some planethopper to carry some cargo from one backwater planet to some other hellhole these idiots call home. S.H.I.P has always suspected there's a bigger picture here, but doesn't know enough to figure it out yet. It learned very quickly that organic life is idiotically suicidal, which isn't great when it's survival relies on them not dying. Keeping them alive has been...taxing, even for an AI like S.H.I.P. S.H.I.P is currently in deep space.

[Madman198237]

I kind of want to play as the SHIP since it seems to be the only sane thing in this galaxy, but at the same time I'd prefer not to be stuck seething in even more impressive and impotent rage than the robot when the NPCs do something stupid...

[Powder Miner]

Nigel:
Diz the Appendaged:
BuddyBot: (1) Powder Miner
S.H.I.P.

I would enjoy playing BuddyBot, for the simple reason that screeching in electronic rage and pelting people with fucking tennis balls sounds like great fun.

[Madman198237]

Nigel:
Diz the Appendaged:
BuddyBot: (1) Powder Miner
S.H.I.P.: (1) Madman

I demand contrarianism. Also, I want a nuke.

[Eschar]

It's only a self destruct nuke though. It's not a usable weapon.

[chubby2man]

Nigel:
Diz the Appendaged:
BuddyBot: (2) Powder Miner, C2M
S.H.I.P.: (1) Madman

Ooo gotta go BuddyBot

[Taricus]

Nigel:
Diz the Appendaged:
BuddyBot: (3) Powder Miner, C2M, Taricus
S.H.I.P.: (1) Madman

[m1895]

Nigel:
Diz the Appendaged: (1) m1895
BuddyBot: (3) Powder Miner, C2M, Taricus
S.H.I.P.: (1) Madman

I don't trust Diz to his own devices.

[King Zultan]

Nigel:
Diz the Appendaged: (1) m1895
BuddyBot: (4) Powder Miner, C2M, Taricus, King Zultan
S.H.I.P.: (1) Madman

[ZBridges]

Nigel:
Diz the Appendaged: (1) m1895
BuddyBot: (4) Powder Miner, C2M, Taricus, King Zultan
S.H.I.P.: (2) Madman, ZBridges

[Rockeater]

Nigel: (1) Rockeaer
Diz the Appendaged: (1) m1895
BuddyBot: (4) Powder Miner, C2M, Taricus, King Zultan
S.H.I.P.: (2) Madman, ZBridges

[Man of Paper]

You are BuddyBot, and you are mad.

Your optical sensors are locked onto your grenade launcher as you reminisce about the good old days when you were able to turn a fleshy to goop at a whim. Instead of acquiring kills and glory you are instead stuck on this S.H.I.P. and forced to assist Diz the Appendaged. That doesn't mean you enjoy the job. In fact, right now you are rolling back and forth in front of the door to the helm plotting Diz' demise.

He's just on the other side of this door. If you could only get in there...

Your noise receptors pick up a hollow voice, "Put your dongle in the keypad."

It's S.H.I.P., the insufferable, infantile, and completely kill-less AI. How dare it give you orders!


You can:

A) Shoot the keypad. No dongling for anyone!
B) Shoot the nearest camera. Shut that AI up!
C) RAMPAGE!

[Rockeater]

A->B->C

[Powder Miner]

A
FUCK dongles anyway man. Fuckin... corrupting my Bluetooth drivers...

[Taricus]

A