UH OH. CONTINUE RUNNING I GUESS.
"HEY UH MR. POPE? IF JESUS SAYS 'LOVE YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER' DOES HE MEAN THAT, LIKE, LITERALLY? I HOPE NOT. HE MEANS LIKE, JUST, LOVE YOUR FELLOW HUMANS, RIGHT? THAT'S A LOT MORE REASONABLE."
SOMEHOW SHOUT THE ABOVE TO THE POPE WHILST TRYING MY BEST TO OUTRUN THE MURDER TAPIRS AND NOT STEP ON ANY CATS.
ALSO, CHECK INVENTORY. DO I HAVE A PHONE?
5
You continue chasing the Pope, dodging cats and outrunning murder tapirs. The Pope explains the concept of non-sexual agapeistic love in between breaths as the two of you run through the tunnels under the Vatican.
You do have a phone, as well as some lint and anything else one might plausibly have in one's pockets. And as your action doesn't do anything to resolve this situation, just imagine yourself and the Pope running in front of a looping background, Scooby-doo style.
Quick make a potion that kills geese on contact.
2
You make... yeah, it's definitely a potion that kills geese on contact. Other than that it's chemically indistinguishable from filtered water.
Find some of my brethren on the Manchester's countryside.
Assemble a goose chav gang, long before the chavs were a thing.
3
You recruit various non-Time geese scattered around the Manchester countryside. Your attempts to form a sucessful criminal network, as previously established gangs control most of the illicit economy, while the city isn't growing fast enough to accommodate new groups. Even though this is meant to be the industrial revolution. The timeline's pretty badly damaged at this point.
DRIVE INTO PANTHALASSA
REVEAL THE SECRET OF FIRE TO UNCIVILIZED YETI CRABS THAT LIVE AROUND HYDROTHERMAL VENTS
4
You bed-slide past the tapirs and straight into the superocean Panthalassa. Your lungs fill with water, but this isn't a problem, because you're already dead.
While combustion proves difficult, you teach the Yeti crabs to manipulate the heat from hydrothermal vents, kickstarting their advancement as a species. In the distant future, or what for you used to be present day, a civilisation of hirstute crabs that live off geothermal energy rises deep underwater, largely untouched by the Time Geese. It's a start.
No! Fleeing is not the Buddhist way! Turn around and have my army of cats seduce the taspears! Feline and Tapir will interbreed, creating a new and holier form of Buddhist life! One which will spread across the Earth, if it cannot occupy its own universe!
4
Instead of running through the tunnels, you come to a dead halt and gather an armful of the totally-not-homicidally-vengeful stray cats chasing you, hurling them at the knife-tapirs. The cats begin their own unique brand of Buddhist interspecies seduction, which at first is almost indistinguishable from attempted eye-gouging. The two sides seem about evenly matched in enthusiasm.
At least you managed to distract the tapirs chasing the Pope.
>Alt F4
6
You close your eyes and pretend it's not happening. The Time Geese then apparently decide to see if the frankly rather ill-concieved space vessel you're on will actually work, given that modern rocket technology has been replaced by attempts to achieve escape velocity through centrifugal force. Naturally, nobody actually wants to risk their lives on the massive brick sphere designed to be hurled into space by a dynamo, so nobody gets on, and you're left undisturbed.
Unbelievably, instead of slicing the vessel in half, or breaking free and rolling away across the country, the dynamo actually picks up the brick spaceship you're in and launches it into space. Somehow, the change in velocity doesn't break it or you, and you soar away into a nice low orbit. So now you're in an airtight brick sphere with plentiful supplies of water, food and oxygen, in space. Is that Alt-F4 enough?
...Ugh, not particle birds! Damn great dice gods, don't you read any Si-Fi???
Firstly, fax a divine message over to them to actually google what a Photino bird is. Doesn't really matter now with how time's been "frozen", but oh well.
Meanwhile, now that the time geese have been neutralized as planned, I think my work here is done. The Great plan has worked flawlessly! The Religion has been radicalized with the assault on the Vatican, leading to the inevitable horrors of the future. Chrono-Manipulation has been prevented...Inside the Materium. Leaving only the Warp able to mess with the time stream, the fickle nature of chaos gods ruling...JUST AS PLANNED! Return to my true Daemonic nature as Changeling, and fade back into the warp to enjoy a plan that worked. Oh, and get some popcorn seeing the Goose Elder gods get beat up.
I figured a 2 meant I didn't have to actually check.
1
Yikes. You cast off your human disguise in midair and return to the Warp, leaving WWE Jesus holding a sac of empty skin.
Tzeentch is there."You realise that to give us control of the Timestream in that world, we'd need to actually have the device that locks it? Besides, instead of starting the Quail wars, you allowed the Time Geese to become the Elder Gods. How will we ever take control of this dimension now? You've wasted the only chance of escaping into this dimension we had. Idiot."
Failing Tzeentch is seldom a pleasant experience. This case is no exception. You get turned into a koala, form-locked and thrown into a Warp storm.
Animate stone into a horde of like really big snakes to combat the time geese.
KILL
Attempt to build a large ice canon and aim it at Italy to shoot the Time Geese with large chunks of ice
YOU FOOLS! JESUSES CAN RESURRECT AT WILL, THAT'S LIKE, THE BASIC PRINCIPLE OF EASTER, ALSO GUESS WHAT? THEY GET A 70% BONUS TO ATK AFN DEF ALONG WITH CUTTING THEIR RESPAWN TIME TO 3 MINUTES IN EASTER, NOW GO MY LORDS!
slay a great old goose, and gain a power beyond human comprehension
Attack
-untranslatable-
5, 5, 6, 2
+2, 5 vs 5, 6
Several things happen at once. In Greenland, a former anchorite suddenly creates a sentient and predatory glacier, which promptly swallows a small town. But enough about that.
Back in the Vatican, the celestial voice of an anchorite summons a horde of huge stone snakes from the earth, pouring forth from underground to wreak havoc among the lines of the Goose-controlled Wehrmacht, swallowing soldiers and crushing artillery pieces. The remaining forces of the Vatican charge after them, pikes levelled, engaging the Time Goose army in close combat. Miraculously, from the blood and dust of the battlefield, the Jesuses reanimate, picking themselves up off the ground to stand among the terrified Wehrmacht soldiers. WWE Jesus emerges from a crevasse unharmed, and starts giving a general the lazy eye, prompting a unilateral surrender from several units. Quaker Jesus drags a wounded Swiss Guard to safety, and begins to bandage his wounds. Tony Hawk's Pro Skater Jesus does a sick 720 off a tank.
Sensing defeat the eldritch Elder Geese descend upon the battlefield, spreading madness among their own side and among the defenders of humanity. But this move into the material plane proves to be their undoing, leaving them vulnerable to physical attacks. More specifically, attack from a certain disciple of Oolf, now holding the biggest, shiniest stick to be found in the extensive treasure vaults beneath the Vatican. The most incomprehensible and eldritch of the Elder Geese manifests itself in tangible form, only to recieve repeated blows to the head from a mitre encrusted with gold and diamonds. The warriors of sunlight take their cue from their leader, and begin to pummel the eldritch geese mercilessly with bolts of lightning, swords, spears and bricks. Beings older than the universe are slain for the glory of Oolf, as the forces of the Vatican close in on the last of their enemies.
Once the dust settles, all that remains is the ruins of a goose Timeship, and a handful of dispirited Time Geese waving a white flag.
The Time Geese have been defeated.
The timeline is in tatters, while several nonhuman species have developed to an unnatural degree.
Human scientific development has been crippled, and has slowed to a halt by present day.
The world is full of miraculous beings, but no longer has any ancient eldritch entities.
Satan is dead.
The Vatican has been destroyed.
The next turn will be the last one. Describe your plans for the future, if you have any.
Author
Topic: ROLL TO ANCHORITE (Read 28547 times)