Continue un-rewriting history. It can certainly include remaking a cell around me, both for protection and for.. being an anchorite.
4+1 v 4
Your holy music and the music of the Time Geese are almost evenly matched, but your superhuman voice gives you a slight edge. You manage to sing your cell back into existence, and begin slowly removing the Time Geese from the timeline.
CHARGE INTO THE ANTEDILUVIAN PAST AND RUN OVER THE CHIMPANZEE WHO THROWS A BONE
TEACH TAPIRS HOW TO USE TOOL WITH THEIR LITTLE DEFT TRUNK
5
You grab your bed, and take a running leap into the nearest time-rift, then ride your bed down the timestream to emerge deep in prehistory, completely flattening a homo-sapiens precursor who was about to lead humanity to a new level of technological sophistication. This sends ripples through the timestream, knocking humanity back a bit
1
You don't get very far with the Tapirs. They're not really capable of much abstraction, but they're not bad with cutting implements. Also they're chasing you with stone knives held in their adorable little trunks right now. And possibly you just created a species of highly predatory tapirs, but that's someone in the future's problem.
...Fuck it, it's time for the "Fuck EVERYTHING" button. Unleash the Photino Birds upon the time geese! Try and travel back in time to stop or subvert it? Hah! They freely move through time enough that expert time traveler's can't stop them. Try and kill them? They're fucking Dark matter lifeforms, it's almost impossible! Try and find "kinship"? They don't care about bayronic life. The time geese's plans are thwarted, along with everyone's else. Remember kids, DON'T FUCK WITH THIS MESSIAH!
Now Laugh as WWE Jesus tries to kill me. Even if I somehow die, I still fucked EVERYONE!
2 v 3
You unleash... birds made of photons? Particles without mass, with low charge, that generally move at almost three hundred million metres per second in vaccuum from any perspective, and thus by special relativity basically age impossibly slowly?
They flap about trying not to collide with the tiny specks of pretty much any kind of matter that will disintegrate them and are moving towards them, from their perspective, at the speed of light I guess? I honestly don't really understand relativistic physics, this is getting a bit beyond me. Anyway, the ones that survive just fly around the universe until it experiences heat death, which to them takes basically no time at all, wondering why the hell they exist. The unthinkable Old Ones that remain after the end of all worlds have all been replaced with geese, but they still remain to watch the photon birds, which is probably good luck because anything other than an immaterial Presence would probably kill these creatures by observing them. The Time Geese are pretty much as confused as everyone else is.
Then you laugh in the face of WWE Jesus, which isn't a great plan.
3 v 6
He suplexes you into a giant chasm in the earth, created by the explosion that destroyed the Vatican. The two of you are locked together, falling towards a very hard rock very fast. Not as fast as a photon bird, mind you. But that just means you have more time to think about the impact. Because relativity.
Search for a town
3
You realise you were already in one. So... Greenland. Pretty cold here.
Use the power of SCIENCE to create a device that removes everything's ability to time travel.
5
I guess... well, ok then. You create an Emergency Temporal Lock using a paperclip, a comb and some lint from your pockets. Because you're so good at science it's beyond magic. Even the Time Police are impressed.
"An Emergency Temporal lock? That technology shouldn't even be possible in this universe. Unlike everything else that's going on here, it completely disobeys the fundamental physical laws. Where did you even learn to make one of those?"
You also notice the Time Geese forces are focusing their fire on your position.
Okay, so this universe seems just a tad fucked to be honest. Take the pope, and use the high concentration of horny buddhist felines in this room to cause a catsplosion so intense as to birth a new universe, which doesn't share this timeline. Skeddaddle into the new universe with the pope and the cats.
1
Not only do you fail to create a new universe, but you, the pope, and your loyal army of felines are now being chased through the Vatican tunnels by knife-wielding Murder Tapirs. Those exist now.
Take the execution silently, like a badass, then HONK loudly once I enter the vortex, causing the timeline to either reset back to the Stone Age or something weird.
3
You HONK loud enough to cause some temporal disruptions, but not loud enough to reset the timeline. Gotta breathe from your stomach.
But that doesn't matter, as the Timeship you're suspended from is suddenly yanked out of the timestream and back into conventional spacetime, appearing in Victorian Manchester. You get dragged through a cloth factory as the ship careens out of control, smashing through a series of handlooms and through a brick wall, before coming to rest in the middle of a street, your chains mostly destroyed.
SILENTLY PRAY TO THE BIG JEEZ FOR A REMINDER OF WTH (WHAT THE HECK) I SUPPOSED TO BE DOING
MEANWHILE, ENLIST POPE AND HIS SCANDALOUS SECRET LOVER TO HELP DO INKING AND COLOURING ON MY RADTACULAR BIBLICAL GRAPHIC NOVEL
USE FORCE IF NECESSARY, BUT IN A NICE HOLY WAY
3
Jesus answers by telling you to love your brother and your sister. Which isn't really very specific. Anyway. You're in the tunnels underneath what used to be the Vatican.
You chase after the pope and his lover brandishing your graphic novel. They're currently running away from knife-wielding murder tapirs, so you end up running after them, between them and the tapirs.
>As the time geese overrun my position, contemplate what bullshit happened that lead to this, while praying that Gandalf the gray, and Gandalf the white
And Monty Python and the Holy Grail's black knight
And Benito Mussolini, and the Blue Meanie
And Cowboy Curtis, and Jambi The Genie
Robocop, The Terminator, Captain Kirk, and Darth Vader
Lo-pan, Superman, every single Power Ranger
Bill S. Preston and Theodore Logan
Spock, The Rock, Doc Ock, and Hulk Hogan
all come out of nowhere, lightning fast, and kick all the time geese in their chronofuckery asses
3 v 5
Your prayers do nothing, and the Time Geese overrun you, killing the remainder of your cultists, and taking over the NASA facilities. Except there aren't any facilities any more. Even the rockets that weren't destroyed are gone. Instead, there's just a massive sphere made of bricks, a gigantic flywheel spinning at an incredible speed, and several outbuildings. It looks like a rather naive attempt to build a working space vessel and launch it into orbit.
In the confusion, you manage to escape, into the massive brick sphere, which is stocked with supplies and even several dairy animals, and has plenty of hiding places.
Meanwhile, in present day Italy, in the crater that used to be the Vatican, the Time Geese armies clash with the last defenders of earth.
CHARGE THROUGH. MORMON JESUS WILL HANDLE THE FLANKS, MUSLIM AND JEWISH LEAD THE BRUNT ON A FRONTAL ASSAULT ON THE LEFT, THE REMINDER WILL SWARM THE BIG GEESE, NRA JESUS, GET TO THE HIGH GROUND, WWE JESUS...SMASH. NOW ABRAHAMICS, ASSEMBLE!
THROUGH THE GATES OF TIME
AS WE MAKE OUR WAY TO HEAVEN
THROUGH THE TIMEGOOSE LINES
PRIMO VICTORIA
lead my army of sunbros into a time rift and begin spamming all the sunlight spear against the vile time geese
FAITH: 99
With Milton as guide and interpreter, get to the nearest rift to the Final Battle as soon as possible. Once there, gather as many weapons from the dead - especially dead Time Geese with futuristic weapons - as I can usefully own. Arm Milton as well, and explain that these Geese and their armies are violent enemies of Christ Himself (not just enemies of the Catholic Church), as proven by all the Jesuses running around, and also don't care about freedom of the press.Then get with the Time Police to see if they have resources to carry out a modified version of Operation Epilogue specifically targeted at this situation. Start killing the summoned ancient armies, starting with the least heavily armed/trained.
Oh, and create a massive burst of tachyons to disable the Geeses' time travel.
Envelop.
Attack
2, 5, 5, 6, 6 v 6, 6, 5
The assembled ranks of Jesuses charge first, straight into Goth catapult fire, Roman spear volleys and Wehrmacht artillery shells. Looks like the reason these guys are famous for dying on the cross is that they're really, really good at dying.
The Time Police are the next to attack, moving towards the ranks of Roman legionnaires, who charge straight into them. The massive blue extradimensional beings start to digest the soldiers, transforming their huge long bodies into massive sacs of enzymes. They cut through the Roman forces, completely annihilating the Time Geese army, but keep going, consuming the buildings and earth beneath them, sinking out of sight into the ground. It seems that understanding matter isn't their strong point.
Then John Milton leaps out of a time rift and charges into the army of barbarians, holding a terrifying device cobbled together from technology looted from a crashed Time Goose ship. Firing bursts of supercharged particles into the terrified Goths, his handheld tachyon cannon carving huge segments from their army. The barbarians are quick to respond, hundreds of arrows flying at him in seconds. Several hit the futuristic device he holds, which naturally explodes, killing the poet alongside the entire barbaric army. An instant later Eschar steps out of a time rift, which closes behind him, onto a plain of burning corpses.
"What the f---?"
The only remaining army is the goose-controlled Wehrmacht, who have suddenly found out that their weapons belong to the nineteenth century, but fight on regardless. The army of sunlight warriors replies to rifle fire with spears of crackling lightning, while the Swiss guard and reanimated saints bravely lead charges against the German artillery positions despite their inferior numbers. For now, the two sides are evenly matched, the battle raging fiercely.
The Time Geese, unable to action their plan of using spaceships and weaponry from earth's future to crush the last of the human resistance, decide to pull out the big guns. The unimaginable eldritch entities they have been replacing with geese have been massing, and manifest themselves upon the battlefield. Geese of unimaginable size, in colours that shouldn't exist, uttering dread honks that bring terror to the mind of man.
History is fouled up beyond belief.
Time travel is no longer possible.
The Vatican has been destroyed.
Satan is dead.
Egan_BW has summoned an army of sunlight warriors.
Enemy Post leads the surviving Swiss Guard, reanimated monks and flying priests.
The Elder Geese are here.
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Topic: ROLL TO ANCHORITE (Read 28687 times)