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[Screech9791]

>Exist.

[ANGRY_DEMON_NOISES]

USE PROTESTANT RAGE TO TEAR OFF THE DOOR FROM IT'S HINGES.

[NJW2000]

fukkem, beat down door
and start crusade to reclaim the shiny stick

6

The door gives way before your furious assault.

You grab the nearest Swiss guard, pull them into a closet, and emerge moments later wearing their uniform and holding a halberd. You run through the security building screaming, and soon a decent-sized group of guardsmen are following you, despite having no idea what they're looking for.

No sign of the specific shiny stick you saw yet. Lots of paintings and statues though.

Use my voice to induce rapturous delirium in the form of rap hymnals.

It begins!

2 +1

You belt out some rap hymnals about the glory of the father, son and holy spirit, raising yourself to a state of rapturous delirium. Nobody else seems to hear you... probably something to do with being in an empty cell deep underground.

“Impure thoughts can be many different things, and thus, different ones might require different eradication techniques. If you don’t mind, can you give more information on the impure thoughts you have? Then I will be able to help you”

The acolytes are having lustful thoughts, specifically about Mary, mother of Jesus, specifically wearing a cheap plastic trench coat and nothing else, specifically brandishing a ping-pong bat.

Honk to stop the launch of the rocket.
Escape to the Anchorites' cells.

2

You honk loudly, but fail to stop the rocket launching.

You are now travelling over Italy at an insane velocity in a big metal deathtube.

TRY TO USE THE POWER OF MY BURNING BED TO CREATE A CHEMISTRY SET.

  6

Somehow, you convert a cell full of ash, soot and dirt into a fully functional if very compact advanced chemistry lab, complete with computers, titration equipment and stocked storage cupboards.

A priest walks into the cell to see what the screaming was about.

"Holy Mary, Mother of Christ! A natural scientist and a miracle worker, just as the insane scribblings of Saint Pellius the Syphilitic prophesied! Have you created the potion that allows the truly faithful to fly?"

SEDUCE THE POPE INTO THE SERVICE OF BUDDHA.

3

You're locked in your cell. The pope doesn't come by, but you disseminate vaguely buddhist ideas to any monks that drop by to ask for advice. Most of them stop coming.

HAUL MY BED BACK AND FORTH ACROSS THE ROUGH STONE FLOOR TO ACCOMPANY DESTATOR'S LEGENDARY PERFORMANCE

6

You accompany the legendary rap hymnals of the anchorite in the cell next to you with the unique sound of a small bed being dragged around a tiny stone cell. The two of you create an entirely new form of religious music, beautiful enough to reduce even the most profane and irreligious to tears.

All the anchorites within hearing distance collapse unconscious from religious ecstasy. Some die. You yourself go into a holy trance, seeing visions of heaven itself.

"UHH, I'M GONNA HAVE TO MEDITATE ON THAT AND GET BACK TO YOU, CHIEF"   



CHECK INVENTORY FOR BIBLE!
IF HAVE NO BIBLE, ASK THIS CARDINAL DUDE FOR ONE BEFORE HE LEAVES   
ALSO PAPER AND WRITING STUFF IF I DON'T HAVE THOSE   


WHATEVER THE CASE, BEGIN COMPOSING HANDWRITTEN EXTRA CHAPTER OF BIBLE DETAILING JUDAS'S EPIC, FEAR AND LOATHING-ESQUE DRUG BINGE ACROSS THE DESERT(S)       
MAYBE FLICK THROUGH REST OF BOOK TOO, TO GET A FEEL FOR THE THEME? NAH, STUFF IT, REST OF BOOK KINDA DRY ANYWAY. LET'S WRITE THIS IN MY OWN, TOTALLY RAD STYLE. WE WANT TO WIN THE HEARTS OF THE YOUTH AFTER ALL   

3

You start writing your own chapter of the bible, but get bogged down in dialogue five paragraphs after Judas leaves the hotel in Jerusalem. Man, being an author is hard.

The cardinal still wants advice about the cocaine scandal.

PROTECT THE POPE

4

You double the strength of the papal guard, have every goose within a five mile radius killed, and prepare for war with Luxembourg.

>Exist.

4

Yup, you exist all right. No doubt about it.

USE PROTESTANT RAGE TO TEAR OFF THE DOOR FROM IT'S HINGES.

3

You attempt to channel righteous puritan fury, but instead only manage mild Quaker indignation. The door remains hinged, and you remain nailed to it.



Devestator, CABL, Yoink, syvarris, Angry Demon Noises, Naturegirl and King Zultan have found Solitude.

King Zultan, Angry Demon Noises and Yoink have achieved self-flagellation.

Coalboat has recieved Divine Revelation.

[Naturegirl1999]

Say the following poem to get them to stop thinking those thoughts
“Consider the fact that Mary is dead, the fact that no one since her death has found her bed.
Consider the fact that in her time existed naught plastic nor a ping pong bat. Consider how old the corpse would be, would you really want to have sex with that?”

[Egan_BW]

tell my loyal pointy stick guys our quest
we will go on a crusade to reclaim the most holy of objects
the very shiny stick
for oolf the sun god will it

praise the sun

[Devastator]

God will certainly hear me, even if the people on earth do not.  Sing down an angel.

[ANGRY_DEMON_NOISES]

THAT'S IT, SUMMON THE HOLY ANTI-CATHOLIC TRIUMVIRATE! MADE UP BY THE THE LEADERS OF THE QUAKERS, EVANGELISTS AND THAT SOUTHERN GUY WE DON'T LIKE BUT MAKES A GOOD HUMAN SHIELD

[coalboat]

You accompany the legendary rap hymnals of the anchorite in the cell next to you with the unique sound of a small bed being dragged around a tiny stone cell. The two of you create an entirely new form of religious music, beautiful enough to reduce even the most profane and irreligious to tears.

All the anchorites within hearing distance collapse unconscious from religious ecstasy. Some die. You yourself go into a holy trance, seeing visions of heaven itself.

CONTINUE MY DRAG-BED-OPHONE PERFORMANCE BUT ON THE CEILING AND WITH ARMS AND LEGS BENT BACKWARD

[Naturegirl1999]

You accompany the legendary rap hymnals of the anchorite in the cell next to you with the unique sound of a small bed being dragged around a tiny stone cell. The two of you create an entirely new form of religious music, beautiful enough to reduce even the most profane and irreligious to tears.

All the anchorites within hearing distance collapse unconscious from religious ecstasy. Some die. You yourself go into a holy trance, seeing visions of heaven itself.

CONTINUE MY DRAG-BED-OPHONE PERFORMANCE BUT ON THE CEILING AND WITH ARMS AND LEGS BENT BACKWARD

good luck on not crushing your limbs

[Enemy post]

FIND AND ARREST EGAN_BW

[CABL]

Oh well, pray to some random Lovecraftian eldritch abomination to give me supergoose strength and psychic powers.
If the psychic powers obtained, redirect the rocket back at the Vatican, then rip my way outside. If not, skip the psychic powers bit.

[King Zultan]

"I haven't yet but I will!"
QUICK USE MY CHEMISTRY POWERS TO CREATE A POTION THAT LETS FAITHFUL CATHOLICS FLY.

[syvarris]

As an (alleged) priest, I may not have much information on what makes seduction successful, however I've seen the stray cats around the vatican!  Their seduction seems to consist of screaming bloody murder while scrabbling around on the ground.

Cats are mammals.  Humans are also mammals.

Scream bloody murder while scrabbling around on the ground, in an effort to seduce the pope and/or Devastator's angel.

[Screech9791]

Connect to the Vatican's minecraft server (which actually exists) and say naughty words like heck and frick.

[Naturegirl1999]

Connect to the Vatican's minecraft server (which actually exists) and say naughty words like heck and frick.

you learn something new every day