Now, on to the game. Character creation happens the moment the game is turned on for the first time, in significant contrast to previous games. I didn't screenshot that, but it's basically just your name, and if you're a white/brown/black boy/girl.
: "Welcome to the wonderful world of Pokemon! Our beloved Galar region is a wonderful place, with thriving nature... beautiful cities, and many Pokemon with which we share our lives!
As you know, our society is able to thrive..."
Welcome to the latest Pokemon design: a bright orange elephant that looks like its wearing a backwards baseball cap.
: "Yes, Pokemon are all around us - in the sea, in the sky, and even with us in our towns! And those of us who choose to raise and train Pokemon to do battle and compete... we call Pokemon Trainers!"
I wonder if this guy gives this speech every time there's a battle in this stadium. You would think people would get it by now, am I right?
: "Oh! But I'm getting carried away. Please allow me to introduce myself. My name is Rose, and it is a please to be here. Now turn you gaze to the Galar region's greatest Pokemon Trainer, your undefeated Champion...
It's time for Champion Leon's exhibition match!"
Is this guy actually dabbing?
: "Charizard! Dynamax!"
The intro gives us the first look at this game's main gimmick: Dynamaxing. This is also why Leon remains undefeated; when you're one of the few people who can pull out a 100ft-tall dragon, battles tend to be one-sided.
The result isn't shown, but I'm fairly certain that Raihan lost. Because he probably can't pull out a 100ft-tall dragon. Instead we cut to us at home.
That's a Wooloo. Apparently we're a poor shepherd family. Wait, are we Welsh?
We're a poor shepherd family that can afford a 70-inch flatscreen TV.
And here I am, playing on my phone.
This is Hop. He's our next-door neighbor, best friend, and rival. He's not quite as spastic as Barry was, but still pretty hyper. That's his personal Wooloo behind him.
Also, is "flash" used as an adjective in Britain?
: "Were you watching Lee's exhibition match on it? But you can't cheer him on with your hands full!"
One, I call bull on cheering being a hands-only activity. Two, why are we watching a televised event on a phone, when we have a
70-inch flatscreen TV literally right over there?
: "You know the only way to properly cheer on Lee would be with his famous Charizard pose!"
Ah, so Leon is the guy brought dabbing to Galar. I'm going to end that man's whole career.
That's the single mother raising a prodigal child present in every Pokemon generation except one. And yes, in true British fashion, we call her "Mum."
: "Yeah, that's exactly why I came running over to get Akura! Never mind watching the match now! I've got it recording at home anyway. I record all my brother's matches."
Finally, Pokemon gets ahold of DVR technology.
: "And Lee always brings presents when he visits, so I wouldn't forget that Bag if I were you! Now I've got to run! See you at mine later!"
Now we finally get to look around.
Also, there's plenty of wall-mounted radiators around the house.
Sadly, we cannot take one of the most useful hold items in the game here.
Is that what they call them over there?
Mum's pet Munchlax.
Like fish and chips, and spotted dick. Mum really likes the spotted dick, I'm sure.
I'm pretty sure that once that Munchlax evolves, feeding it will become a very expensive endeavor.
It has eight buttons on it. I also just noticed that the cabinets under the sink make almost no sense in how they're positioned.
: "I last saw it in your room. And don't forget to grab a hat for the weather!"
Mummy knows best. Also,
hoo boy the weather. You'll see.
When I first bought the game, there was a really cute plushie of Celebi dressed a witch there as well. I almost regret not buying it too.
We're a poor shepherd family that can afford
two 70-inch flatscreen tellies, one for Mum's comedy-dramas, and one for a Switch which generally works better as a handheld console as opposed to being docked. And I was preferring to watch a Youtube stream of a battle instead of watching it on the telly.
Wait, is this a
family bed? Like, I share this with my mum? I mean, that does answer the age-old question of where the mother sleeps
and mum is hella thicc, but I don't really think this bed is sized for two people. We're not that trapped in the Middle Ages.
Biologically adult. Nobody ever said you had to emotionally become an adult.
That's the closest the series has ever implied to dad being dead.
Ready to rock.
The game explains some of the menus, and I open up the options menu.
Why would we need to play this one-handed?
: "Now hurry along. Hop is waiting, isn't he? But remember - no going into the forest for the two of you!"
Yes, mum. We're not going to immediately disobey you.
Yes, the game has actual loading screens. We live in the town of Postwick, which according to maps made by other people already, is actually close to real-life Inverness. Galar is the UK flipped N/S. And I thought those memes about the female player character being a drunk Scot were jokes.
So, Mum has a flock of Wooloo, a Munchlax, and a Budew. My rival already has a Wooloo. I've got nothing.
Are you mocking my heirloom backpack that I got from my presumably dead father?
: "At least we know it should hold anything Lee might bring, even if it's as big as a Snorlax!"
Time-space compression technology has been known for centuries in the Pokemon universe. And it's been over two decades since that technology has been mass produced to the point that an object the size of a baseball that can hold something "as big as a Snorlax" costs about as much as a cup of coffee.
: "A Wooloo... But what's it doing there?"
Um... it's right outside my mum's house probably because my mum owns it?
Said Wooloo begins bashing its face against the gate.
: "Hey! You silly Wooloo! I see what you're up to! Don't go using Tackle on the fencing! Everyone knows there are scary Pokemon living in the Slumbering Weald!"
The Wooloo just goes "meeeh" and continues ramming the gate. It's either brave or very stupid.
: "How about it, Akura? Let's race! Bet I can make it to my house first, what with you lugging about that big old Bag!"
ARE YOU MOCKING MY DEAD DAD'S BAG STILL?
"A farming town since days of old, where people and their Pokemon live in close harmony."
Postwick consists of literally two houses, mine and Hop's. That's actually a step back from previous games, where you'd usually get three or four. That said, Postwick does have a lot of visible farmland, so it's probably less a town and instead a rural backwater.
"Now you can battle and trade Pokemon with other people just by walking around! Isn't that super amazing?"
Yes, and you can also flood nearby Bluetooth devices just by walking around as well.
This is Hop's house. Judging by the size, Postwick isn't so much a farm as a feudal manor. Does that mean I'm his serf?
I can't go any further down the road, so I go to Hop's house.
<Ididn'tscreenshotHop'sMum'sface>: "Oh, and you've brought along Akura. Hello dear."
Oh god, I
am their feudal serf.
: "Yeah, yeah, but where's Lee? Have you got him crammed in a cupboard?"
What is to us criminal child abuse is to the British fine child-rearing.
<Ididn'tscreenshotHop'sMum'sface>: "He's still not here yet! For the hundredth time... Honestly, Hop, you must learn some patience!"
Yeah, Barry! I mean, Hop!
"He's probably only just arrived at the station in Wedgehurst.
: "Then that's where I'm going! You know Lee is hopeless with directions. I'll make sure he doesn't get lost on the way!"
It's literally a straight line.
: "You've got to come with, Akura. You've still never met my big bro, right? You can't miss out on your chance to meet the undefeated Champion! I'll wait for you out on the route!"
I'm going to rummage around your house first.
I did not know Purrloin was bipedal. It looks weird this way.
This either Hop's dad, or one of their other serfs.
Pretty much the entire franchise summed up in one image.
So many flatscreen TVs.
: "Wild Pokemon could come out of nowhere if you walk through patches of tall grass. But not you, Akura! So we'll steer clear of the tall grass as we go."
He literally blocks me from walking through the side path into the grass.
A crowd gathers to gree the Undefeated Champion of many hats.
: "Hello, Hello, Wedgehurst! Your Champion, Leon, is back! I promise I'll keep doing my best to deliver the greatest battles for you all to watch!"
If he wins all the time, how is it fun to watch? Unless you like watching brutal executions or something.
Random person: "It's our unbeatable Champion! Leon, you and Charizard are the greatest!"
: "Well, thank you for that! I hope you'll all carry on training up your Pokemon and never shy from battle. Then come challenge me for the Champion title!"
At which point he will brutally murder them for fun.
Rando 1: "We're on it! We've all been working on our battle skills just like you've taught us to, Lee!"
Rando 2: "But that Charizard of yours is too strong for the likes of us to take on!"
Yes, us peasants haven't got a chance against the 100ft-tall dragon.
: "Too true that Charizard is blazingly strong. But other Pokemon can be strong as well! That's why I want the strongest of challengers, to fill the Gym Challenge and come battle me! My wish is for Galar's Trainers to work together to become the strongest in all the world!"
And then, and then, we will rebuild the
British Galarian Empire!
...Right?
: "Hop! So, my number-one fan in all the world has come out of his way to pick me up! Look at you, Hop! I reckon you've grown... exactly an ince and a quarter since the last time I saw you!"
: "Bingo! That's the sort of sharp eye that's kept you undefeated so long, eh, Lee?"
: "And these bright eyes over here..."
Senpai noticed me, yay.
: "I've got it! You must be Akura - am I right? I've heard loads about you from my little brother. I'm the Galar region's greatest-ever Pokemon Champion - and a massive Charizard fan, too. People call me the unbeatable Leon!"
: "Come on, Lee! And you, Akura! Bet I can beat the both of you back home!"
And he's already gone.
: "That Hop... Always wanting to be the best, isn't he?"
Like no one was before. To catch them is the real test, to train them is the cause. Pokemon, gotta catch em' all! Except you can't anymore since they stripped the list for this game.
: "With a proper rival of his own, I bet he'd push himself to become something truly special...
Well, everyone! I bid you farewell for today! But don't you fret... *dabs* I'll always be around to make sure everyone in Galar can have a champion time!"
Nothing happens on the way back. Leon even manages to walk in a straight line apparently.
: "You brought Akura and me Pokemon. You did, didn't you? I know you must have!"
: "Right then! The greatest gift from the greatest Champion... It's show time, everyone!"
...And they immediately piss off somewhere.
Sobble uses Water Gun!(despite not having learned it yet)
It's super effective!
I missed the screencap, but yes, Grookey's berry did hit Sobble.
And it's super effective at making Sobble cry.
: "All right! Line up, everyone!"
: "Which will you choose?"
Yaay, picking time!
It just keeps going and going and going...
I'm pretty sure we're forcing them to hurt each other, not dating them.
I'm pretty sure it just cries, instead of adapting.
So there we have it, a choice between cocaine, marijuana, and heroin. I'm pretty sure I can make a lot more jokes about the bunny rabbit, so I pick cocaine.
Don't worry little guy, you're going to be decapitating armored men soon enough.