The wind is blowing very lightly, and you're mulling over life as the soft crackle of the two Sternos burn in front of you. It's a cool November day, and as you temporarily fall out of your daydream to glance at your watch, time is inching ever so slowly forward. Slow, yet fast. Too fast. You wish you could stay here. That you didn't have to go back to the dorm and the project that you have due tonight. Back to life, and away from your dreams. But right here you're not there. You've escaped, if momentarily, and the light chorus of children's laughter as well as the soft tweedling of birds gives you some comfort, however fleeting.
On top of the two Sternos is a steel tin. You forgot to buy a stand, so it's just balanced precariously between them, but it's heating nonetheless. Abuelita hot chocolate, sandwich meat, bread, marshmellows, mayonnaise, mustard, provolone cheese, and graham crackers are arranged in front of you. A picnic. A picnic for one, but you suppose it's not that bad. Things could be worse.
You notice that the crackle of the Sternos has lightened some, and you are brought out of your daydream again. Once again one got snuffed out by the wind. You shift the mess tin over some to give it some more air as you relight it and sigh, resting your beleaguered head on a balled fist.
You drift off again and remember why you're here. You've been talking to a girl for a while. Talking is a way to put it. You suppose your relationship should have started with polite casual conversation instead of email, but you got a few nice dates nonetheless. After she stopped responding you decided to give it one last try. A letter with a puzzle. A puzzle that led to a website, with another very heartfelt letter that lightly quoted some of the poems you had written her before. The page got a few hits, so you knew she had to have read it, and you hoped that it would be a picnic for two. 4:00 on a Sunday at the park.
But it's now 5:15 and sunset is in 20 minutes. You sigh again as the soft crackle of the Sternos continues to serenade your thoughts. You lean over at the picnic table, not unlike the grimy nicotine-soaked detective of 40s noir, the crackle of an ethyl alcohol flame in place of a soft jazz soundtrack. Perhaps it's time to move on. There's better people in this world worth your time, after all, right?
You make another s'more and watch a flock of birds fly across the azimuth of the descending sun and let out another long sigh. A family ahead retreats back to their vehicle as dusk begins to cover the park. You absorb the laughter of the kids and see the light in the eyes of the couple and mull. You remember the daydreams you had while you were walking around the hospital earlier this year. Struck randomly with double pneumonia, bedridden for a weak. When you finally got the strength to walk again, you walked laps around the surgical ward while the old night nurse cheered you on and timed your laps. You smile wistfully. That week knocked you on your ass academically, but it was such a simpler time. And when you graduated from your track around the surgical ward, you walked past the nursery and had a vision. Of her. Of a baby, and her smile. Love in her eyes and happiness in the air. You saw the happy new parents and wished, hoped, even. You turned and stared out the window at the aftermath of the light drizzle that had passed minutes ago and saw a rainbow. You thought it was a sign. All you wanted was a chance to give yourself fully and have the same in turn. Love, that's all. Love. That double-edged word. So much warmth and happiness, and so much cold betrayal. Such a complicated topic. Just put her behind you. Move on.
Rudyard Kipling's "If" rings through your head a few more times as you sift back into a dreamy and longing haze. You'll have to leave soon, but you don't want to believe it. You wish you could do it all over again. This whole semester. Maybe even the semester before it. So many mistakes. So many lessons learned. Yet you can't even feel sad without feeling guilty. There's so many more out there that have it worse, right?
Another sigh. Damn it all. Just move on. Put her behind you. Why is it so hard?
Your daydreaming is interrupted again, this time by a soft rustling in the brush behind you. You've been sitting at a picnic table for a while now, and dusk has now fully settled on the parking lot in front of you.
But your back has been to the woods all this time, and the rustling is getting closer.