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Start another goblin fort

2 (66.7%)

Make a succession goblin fort

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Reclaim it

1 (33.3%)

Go back to being a dwarf and end this thread

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Total Members Voted: 3

Voting closed: July 26, 2019, 08:54:25 pm

[NordicNooob]

Huh. These wretched gob-snobs thought I was done with them? I even made some official announcement or whatever, that my computer was falling apart? Yeah no. It's murderin' time once again! ^{Now with a new computer so I can run this fort into the ground before I run my patience into the ground!}


Now, what the heck was me-from-like-a-month-ago up to?



Ah right, that death trap thing for my goblins to die in, complete with holes for dead things to go in. Truly a marvel of goblin engineering.


Whatever, next order of business: what the heck did I do to this place? I'm low on ore, everybody is slacking around, and stuff that should be done isn't! Lets change that. Ngexrung, a goblin whose name I can't spell, is apparently the miner around this place. Too bad for him, I guess, because he now has a bunch more stuff to dig.






While he does that...



I enact some justice. We don't have time for your sadness, Asmar-thot-tub.

...

No, I don't care that we ripped your infant out of your arms to bring you to the butcher's shop. Next!


The thing that is next happens to be organizing my little green-skinned monsters. My valuable Craftpeasants, the ones who are supposed to be doing everything and, in fact, are doing nothing at all. There's three things to do here:

1. Fix the naming, some of them aren't named craftpeasants for some reason. Without it, I won't have an easily readable "dog tag" that identifies them as useless when they die.

2. Fix their labors. Oh god the labors. Look at this!



Half of them are freshly baked migrants with no useful labors enabled! It's a disgrace to goblinkind to have idle goblins. Plus, if they're idle, they'll make friends, which means they might be sad when their comrades get murdered in from of them.

3. Get the militiary running. As seems to be in fashion, the squads are a messy rabble of unfilled ranks. I'm fine with the messy rabble part, but since half of the population is doing literally nothing I'm not fine with the idea of unfilled ranks, except maybe right after a siege when those ranks are dead.

Most of this stuff is just quick fixes, fortunately, since all the systems are in place and just need to be updated.


I'm about halfway through these quick fixes when my peasants spot a kobold!



In goblin nature, I order literally every goblin in the fort to drop what they're doing and murder it.



And, needless to say, it does not end well for the kobold.


...



How many times do I have to teach you this lesson old man?! This one's corpse gets tossed down the corpse chute with the other.

[NordicNooob]

Other than the occasional kobold incident, time is passing pretty fast and uneventfully; armor is constantly being forged, goblins are constantly training, and migrants continue to bolster the ever growing horde of goblins that are able to be murdered on my whims.




Also, some random cuck became lord, who does he think he is?



Whatever, guess he can get a room. Got a little surprise for him too.



Atu, the original merchant/medic, has been getting pissy and toppling workshops/punching people, so I think his time has come. What better way to get rid of him than to let him rot inside a tomb that isn't even his?


I've been doing some more deep mining, since that one vein of tetrahedrite wasn't nearly enough to stave off the imminent lack of copper. I also came across something very interesting and mildly terrifying:



There's aquifer here! This is right above the caverns, and there's aquifer! It's patchy all over the map, and is keeping me from mining around there. But wait, it gets worse!



The magma sea is right below the caverns, so I have exactly 0 good layers to mine in. Lets hope that what I have can finish forging the halfway decent sets of armor, and that goblinite (dwarfite?) can supply me with the iron I need for more.


Meanwhile at the surface, I'm engraving the new lord's chambers. Most of it is just cut gems and images of goblins, but there are a few figurative gems among the... gems. Firstly, our government's symbol is literally weed, which makes me imagine that we're running a drug cartel with no drugs.



^{*please ignore the fact that there is actually hemp in the game, and just imagine that blade weed stays true to its name, okay?}

Secondly, there is a goblin with marvelous taste.



And lastly, there is a goblin with terrible taste.



What kind of pansy arse goblin makes an image of clouds? Like seriously. I'm gonna go tell his superiors about it and set him up a therapy session.


In other news, military training is really good for stress.



It might not look like much, but the majority of the population is headed towards or pretty deep in negative stress, so those happy numbers will drastically increase as the unhappy numbers get genocided out of existence.


Speaking of which...



I did have to move him out of the tomb, since I wanted to be able to put things in it if need be and realized that goblins don't starve. This way I won't ever have to slab him, since he'll still technically be "alive" even if he's irreversibly insane.


Still, things are just swell. The barracks is a complete mess, littered with wood, vomit, discarded clothes/equipment, and absolutely filled to the brim with smelly goblin warriors.



Those smelly goblin warriors are turning legendary in stuff, too! Well, observation. But y'know, take what you can get.


Okay yeah nevermind. Things are not going just swell anymore. One of my best warriors started a few fist fights. With a whip.




Two dead instantly with a third dead shortly after in the hospital. To the quarantine with you!

[Superdorf]

What kind of pansy arse goblin makes an image of clouds? Like seriously. I'm gonna go tell his superiors about it and set him up a therapy session.

In Goblin Fortress, you get sent to the therapist if you're not crazy enough.

[NordicNooob]

Badwild is finally prospering, even in such an evil land! Metal is being forged, industry is growing, wealth is increasing, and most importantly...



The soldiers are ready!



Oh right, and I expanded the hospital a ton, just for the heck of it.


Still, raid time! Since there's no kill like overkill, I'm sending my entire army at a single human settlement.



The first settlement is razed, and a war is started with the filthy sanitary humans! For the next raids, though, I split my forces up, since they're definitely strong enough to do their own thing.



And after a season of largely uneventful consecutive raids, I've certainly done a number on them.




Soon as the season turns, the humans retaliate in good measure!





They show up with a good hundred or so fighting men and quite a few more in horses. I don't know exact numbers, since fighting started before everything was on the map.


Namely, this goblin just going to town on a group of humans.



He survives until backup, which joins him to charge at the main human force. The humans get pretty much obliterated, but not without loss on my part.

A zombie horse incident (some fighting spewed over into the reanimating part) combined with some equipment failures (like come on, I checked you guys like two seasons ago, why are you half naked now?) are much more lethal, though.






And then everything lit itself on fire.



Everybody strips themselves naked after the siege to celebrate or something, and then they wander through the battlefields, nabbing random gear and dropping other stuff, which makes another goblin go out to that spot to pick up that discarded gear and then drop more of their own, and so on and so forth until everything is covered in junk.

I try to solve things by making an equipment stockpile but everybody is dropping and picking stuff up so there's only a few who actually carry stuff to the pile. On top of it all, everybody is driving themselves insane from the nudity, corpses, and evil weather, and there's basically nothing I can do.



Several attempts at reform of equipment changes literally nothing despite my extensive experience at dealing with this kind of stuff. Props to the two dudes who are still somehow ecstatic.


The hospital is equally a mess.



Only one death has happened during this entire downward spiral, quite surprisingly, but there are nonstop fistfights, enough that I've literally stopped checking the combat logs. The medics are mildly overwhelmed, but it's okay, because a goblin laying in a bed isn't a goblin punching people. I think.

In summary: everybody is naked, in the hospital, fighting each other, or any combination of the three.

[Superdorf]

And then everything lit itself on fire.

Baahahaha YEEASSS... sigg'd.
It sounds to me like you've been hit hard by the equipment bug. If I'm right, you may just have to forge everybody new armor... 

[NordicNooob]

I strongly doubt I have the capability to forge anything right now lol, and not just because of ore shortages. Things are bad enough that if I hadn't expanded my hospital, it'd be overflowing. There was a brief lull in the equipment pickup spam, but now it's started back up again. I do have some control over these poor saps, but I'm directing all of it towards damage control, namely corpse hauling and attempts to fix whatever is going on with my equipment.

I might try disbanding the entire armed forces and rebuilding them based off the skills and trauma-resilience of survivors, both to try to fix whatever equipment trash is going on, and also to just reorganize, regroup, and rebuild a decent army that won't do... this... every time a few humans show up.

I'm running out of medics, too, only two are left and one is insane. Both of em are legendary diagnosers, though. My nobility is all dead, which, in contrary to popular belief, is pretty bad.

The equipment thing is definitely some kind of bug, I'm dumping every single article of clothing in the fort, yet many goblins are picking up and wearing the dump designated items, even after I clear the TSKs with a forbid-unforbid; I've watched them do it. Also, I think I somehow started a civil war with my parent civ, I just realized that the caravan hasn't come for two seasons, and for the few before that it's been scuttling instantly due to that one goblin that drowned and became zombified way back when.

There's just so much going on I should just make a list. Let's see.

- Hospital overwhelmed
- Nobility dead
- Everybody naked
- Constant fistfights
- Junk everywhere, some of it making miasma
- Equipment bug making like 1/3 of the population stuck picking up and dropping gear
- Civil war, which means no more caravans or migrants
- Many of my useful buildings keep getting toppled
- The entirety of item properties is a mess, it seems like everything is randomly forbidden or ordered for dumping, and I keep spamming more of it to try to fix this.
- As of right now, there are exactly four goblins that aren't either: dumping something, storing equipment in a bin, resting, tantruming, or sleeping.
- There's a forgotten beast in the caverns, which only due to dumb luck hasn't climbed up into the wide open sections of the fort that I'm incapable of sealing off due to the above problems.
- Song Bemzo-whatzit got his teeth punched out (along with the rest of himself, I think I remember slabbing him) in the main stairwell, scattering them literally everywhere important.

I have faith in exactly one goblin surviving this whole thing. Meet Anso!



One of the first goblins to be recruited, Anso is a legendary lasher, he has all of his gear, is usefully hauling stuff (I think? He might be randomly shuffling crap around, but whatever), and, most importantly: he's ecstatic with -97.5k stress. Plus he's not injured, and even has some skill in arms/armor smithing.

[NordicNooob]

Desperate times call for desperate measures, I guess.



Military rebuild time! Fortunately for you, you get a montage mode.

The military is now five squads, down from seven. I assembled one squad from the happiest and best soldiers I have, one from the pretty well off guys, and three from everybody else.



Given that getting the "pretty well off" squad was a strech, the Crazies are pretty crazy, and expected to fall apart quickly. However...



Having everybody on-duty seems to have stopped the stupid equipment stuff! Yay! I can finall⁠— Damnit.



Soon as they go off-duty, it's pickup/dropoff time. It's like they irreversibly have inactive = civilian clothes on, except I don't have civilian clothes because they're all rotting and thrown into pits. Eh, I gotta keep training up a bunch anyways, or the crazies will continue to fall apart and the few numbers I do have left won't be able to protect me.

Suddenly... !



A new challenger approaches! Crazies, go!



Well that was quick. After a bunch of annoying unrecordable hillfighting, the humans get routed.



The crazies do too, of course, but that's probably for the best, and was almost my intent here. Two shattered squads worth of 'em remain. Most of the deaths were individuals outside because I had temporarily disbanded them to try to get them to haul corpses and stuff, but to no avail they just decided grabbing tattered loincloths was the best use of their time.

[Spriggans]

These animated GIF add a lot to the story !
You get an additional sense of chaos with them. Especially the barracks one.
So many naked gobbos !

[NordicNooob]

Badwild is probably in its twilight years now.



The barracks, once full of rowdy goblin recruits willing to kill themselves for our collective entertainment, is now mostly empty. This is with every goblin in the fort being told to go train. Corpses litter the ground too, but that's okay since everybody is so desensitized to them now. I tried ordering them dumped but if anybody goes off-duty that has ever been drafted then they just spend their time picking up clothes. Still, they've done their rotting so I suppose they won't hurt anyone until their owners turn into vengeful spirits and start killing goblins. Which is what cannon fodder is for, of course. Maybe I'll even get super lucky and they kill the insane guys first!


The hospital is in a similarly wretched state, what with corpses still laying in beds, some of them even stacked on top of another.



Things are just dying down in general. The fort is stagnating as it just sorta crumbles in on itself, all due to some stupid human siege that broke my equipment and made everyone sad.

Well I say screw you, everything and everyone! I'm not gonna let these fools die in such an un-entertaining way as moping around until they die of sadness! I'm gonna find the biggest dwarf fort around and I'm gonna murder it or be murdered!



My target is Helmsslapped. I send both my functional squads on the mission, leaving the crazies and my medic to fend for themselves. It's early in the mid-season so I don't expect any unwelcome company (or any company at all, since visitors, caravans, and migrants alike all don't want to come any more due to a civil war, I'd guess).

To war!


Within the week, my soldiers return.



I lose a single soldier, out of the better of the two squads. Unfortunately, my goblins take books instead of burning the place to the ground.



AGAIN!


While I wait for my army to get back, I witness the ultimate battle in the caverns.



Lower case letters or capital letters? Who will win? You don't decide! It's the zombie one, of course.


And then they're back. With more books. Stealing priceless literature and dropping it on the disgusting, tainted ground is entertaining, so I didn't turn looting them off, but still, not genociding the dwarves is annoying.



The fort is drained of books now, so one last time it is. However...



It's a race against the clock. I expect a siege on the 1st of Granite, so if they don't get back before then my crazies will have to fend for themselves against a far more organized army of dwarves or humans (or both!) and almost certainly die. With that, I wait.


Then, everything happens at once!







The dwarves arrive to make war while my own forces come back from their own conquests, just as the season turns. The final raid took Helmsslapped down to ~300 population at the cost of another warrior from my sane-squad.


Fighting begins as the tail end of the dwarven army marches onto the map. A rough estimate of forces on the enemy side leaves me with the guess of 70 or so dwarves with 50 or 60 horses.



They may have the numerical and organizational advantage, but we have something working in our favor as well.



The evil weather causes those exposed to it to vomit compulsively, at least for a while, after which it seems immunity is developed. This slows the army to a halt for some reason, with the main group bunching up at the crest of the hill.


My army (if you could call it that) follows orders (for the first time in a while) and does the same, reaching the top of the hill after quick fighting against the dwarves who charged too early.



If the dwarves lose this fight, it will be the end of Helmsslapped and possibly much, much more. If my forces lose, they die entertaining deaths and end this nightmare once and for all.


This is actually seriously not gonna be an easy fight.



The crazies all have similar training, and tend to range from 11 to 15 in their weapon skill, while my better two squads have 16-22 in their weapon skill. However, counting losses from all my squads I only have 30 warriors, some of which aren't participating, and many of the soldiers are having equipment issues and are missing significant amounts of gear. Only a few are missing their weapons, but many lack shields and a select minority are completely naked and unarmed. I only have 5 fully equipped and soldiers, although most, including our "beloved" Anso come close (he's only missing his boots).

Who will win? The fate of Badwild hangs in balance!

[Superdorf]

Could it be? Are we about to see... a completed community game?
I look gleefully forward to this latest melee's glorious denouement.

[NordicNooob]

The answer to your question is no, no you are not about to witness this fort die. Turns out I highly overestimated dwarves, or just didn't take into account that most of them were riding horses, which basically makes them useless.



The battle rapidly turns in favor of my wretched crew of half-naked (or completely naked) goblins as the horses spook themselves and run around pointlessly. Half of the dwarven force is removed from battle in this manner, and when scattered across the map they provide little resistance.


Little resistance is still resistance, though.






In the end, they're routed, with probably only a dozen or so escaping on horseback.





Back to murdering, I guess.


After an uneventful spring and early summer, I get an announcement.



Slabs being finished? Nobody in the fort has done a thing since the first human siege! It seems that a goblin wasn't drafted into my crazies, and isn't in any squad despite being a craftpeasant. Since he's not picking up random clothes, I'll assume he functions, and put the sole goblin in my workforce to work, cleaning up corpses and slabbing the dead.


Things continue along pretty quietly, and my defensive preparations that never got finished are finally online enough to be usable in the next siege. And then, suddenly, for the first time in years, a caravan comes!



If not a civil war, then what stopped them from coming?! I'm so confused. Maybe I'll even get migrants, then?


I guess so. This time, though, their lives actually mean something to me, in that they're not effectively useless.





Go help that one guy clean up the flaming mess that is Badwild!


As an additional positive note, I appear to have support in my conquests. After several more unsuccessful raze missions at Helmsslapped, I've given up trying to destroy them. However, my boys in copper have backed me up and taken over the largest dwarven fortress in the world on my behalf, bringing with them some several hundred population to re-bolster the fort's numbers.



My current endeavors are aimed at greatly weakening dwarven and human settlements of ~100 population, since they seem to be the bread and butter around here.


Things are finally looking up!



The stack of five corpses in the hospital is dumped, siege cleanup is actually happening, raids are going well, and I can finally look fowards to more iron imports next season!


Well, dwarfite counts as iron imports, right?



For once, I'm actually ready for them!


Oooh, pretty colors.



It's almost mezmerizing. Also dangit, I thought I turned off invasion war animals, now there's gonna be a lame fight because the horses will spook themselves.


At long last, an army marches into my designated kill zone. At first it's just a trickle, and then the main bulk of the army enters.



Barely half of the invaders die before the weak dwarves turn tail and flee. Close to a hundred invaders escape the map.

Also, friggin heck, sorry that gif got messed up. I have no clue what causes that. The battle is still legible enough, though, so whatever.


After burning for a solid three years, Badwild has stabilized. The goblin cost was tremendous, but it's not like I personally care that most of these guys' friends and family that came with them are all dead.

[Superdorf]

Woohoo, weird AI bugs actually work in goblins' favor for once!
Glorious death would've been !!fun!! and all, but I'm glad to see there's more happy-goblin-murdertime in our future. This has been greatly entertaining.

[NordicNooob]

Well, the weird AI bugs worked out in the goblin's favor, not mine, since my only goal here is to kill as many as I can in the most entertaining way possible. I have a feeling Badwild isn't out of the thick of it just yet, because my military is still incapable of doing labor. I'm too afraid to recruit anybody new because I might lose my labor force again, which I sort of friggin need. Almost all of the crazies are dead now, there's only five left, which I consolidated into one squad. All this means I'm down to 23 soldiers, which is pretty bad considering some of them are on the brink of insanity and whatever is going on with equipment means that some of them don't even want to carry a weapon.






This is an image of a human siege. On the image is an image of Anso Gusnoem the goblin and a bunch of humans. Anso Gusnoem is charging at the humans alone. The humans are laughing. The humans are dying. Anso is dying.

May or may not have poorly timed a raid. Also, these humans mean business, so I'd rather fight them in a coordinated manner in my kill chamber rather than murder them on a hill. So, RIP Anso. I should've known better than to place bets on the last survivor.

Here's his death cl-OH MY WHY ARE MY GUYS ALL... well, here's the first part of the unplanned battle.



_{damnit this one is all yellow, too. Why, gifcam, why?!}

And here's the second...



And the third was fought on a hill. I swear, I'm never gonna embark on a hilly place ever again. Still, have some highlights.

Here we have one of our guys getting run through, fighting, and then removing the sword.



Here we have another one of our guys fighting completely naked (unless you count the not pictured vomit covering as clothes), using a forbidden iron cap as a weapon.



And here we somehow have an annihilated siege, with only five horses running around. There were like 80ish humans, so it was the siege with the greatest amount of actual enemies to fight that weren't just like, horses.



Isn't Badwild's military great?

[NordicNooob]

Okay yeah, Badwild is still on fire, the figurative fire is just slower now. Not that it needs to be swift and powerful anymore. Outside, an undead elephant spooks the workers. Well, until it spooks one of my soldiers, apparently trying to nab a sock or whatever off some merchant corpse.



It does not end well for the undead elephant.


Still, things are not going well. The regular flow of announcements is... grim.



Badwild's medic population continues to decrease; the last of the original medics (and the only one with any real skill) goes insane and murders a random peasant before getting killed by the military. Shortly after, another goblin goes berserk, this time with less consequence because they do so near the barracks, or what attempts to pass as the barracks.



All of this comes with the daily tedium of tantrum messages, raid reports, and the unceasing spam of "it's raining horrible poison from the sky."


Another season brings another siege. I'm resigned to the siege getting butchered by my dying military, but there's a little surprise for the humans this time.



They get a tasty snack on the fort's crippled and mangled beak dogs. My FPS randomly dropped from 150 to 90ish, and while I understand that's probably a symptom of the fort being a bloody mess in all ways possible (including the undeadsplosion slowly happening in the caverns), I'm just gonna pass the blame to the 30 or so beak dogs. They don't do anything other than serve as impromptu punching bags and miasma makers when they inevitably die, so I'm probably doing everybody a favor executing them.



Plus, murder is nice to watch.


Right, siege. After watching the beak dogs get mercilessly slaughtered, I activate protocol (or, as usual, what passes for it in this fort).



Most everybody gets inside except for one poor chap who watches as I lock the hatches. Maybe his depressed self will get lucky and the humans won't see him, but whatever.


Speaking of which, I just noticed that the siege isn't very large.



I've probably sent a raid to almost every human settlement there is by now, but I wasn't expecting them to be weakened so much so soon! It'll be hilarious if this pile of corpses manages to destroy the might of four well-off civilizations so easily.


Speaking of which, the humans just started retreating for literally no reason.



Maybe they got scared by a zombie or something? I'd look for human corpses to see if anybody actually died to cause them to flee, but there's corpses literally everywhere.


One human is late to flee, and engages my unarmed and untrained medic.



And he gets the crap beat out of him.



Welcome to the stressed club, buddy. Be glad you only have to be here for a few days before Mr. Medic bashes your skull in.


As that's happening, the merchants come to visit, and then get murdered.



Maybe I shouldn't have pastured the beak dogs for murdering inside the reanimating part of the map. Eh. More death there means more zombies to scare off humans, I see it as a win-win.

[Spriggans]

To me, this fortress sounds like a perfectly sane one !
Zombies are gobbos' best friends, we all know that.
What's your pop at ?

What is the greenish thing on the outside floor ? It's not vomit, so I guess it falls from the sky right ?

Also, are you really getting one siege per season ? That's pretty rough !