I don't even remember how I first came here.
Then I spent ~2 years being a troll, a wonder I didn't get banned. Ugh.
I mean, everyone has their own pasts that they're ashamed of, no? I started off because I was interested in a glitchy fortress idea that some people were juggling around. I think my (relatively-minor) involvement in it was a bit embarrassing looking back, but I had fun. That's all that matters, right? You can't change the past, so the only thing you can do now is to accept that it happened. Acceptance is the last stage of the stages of grief.
If the start is defined by "first post in General Discussion", I literally barged in there in multiple threads. You know how people do PTWs in threads they're interested in? The intent of all those first posts, more-or-less, were PTWs. Neutral, uncontroversial posts that allowed me to gain a foothold.
I remember staying around in the Sad and Mildly Upset (back when it was called "Mildly Sad") threads and posting stuff that reflected my... fragile mental state at the time. I wasn't doing too good back then. I could go back and check, but I don't really want to be exposed to that much of my own sadness and instability at once. I think it bled over into every post I made, even those not in GD.
Go ahead, look at those posts. I just don't have the heart to look back at them.
There, I'm not really embarrassed, as much as I feel pity. I remember regretting
every post I made back in early-to-mid 2019, but I think that same regret is a reflection of my own validation-seeking nature at the time. I've elaborated on the middle school trauma numerous times before, so I don't think it bears repeating here. They were not good times.
I don't want to diagnose you with anything, but is your apparent fixation with your past (however bad it was and/or how bad you were) echoing something bad that happened in your life? I don't mean any judgement with that question. I just think that if you talk about it so much, I think it's worth looking inwards as to why. I had a fixation with my past that didn't quite die down until around March this year, and it was only through a mixture of introspection and seeking external help that it's reached record lows.
I don't expect you to like what I'm saying here. Just keep it in mind, because themes that are recurring like this might have a deeper underlying meaning.
(...and that's the 3rd time I've shown concern for people in a 3-month span...)