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[Transcendant]

Hi,

I, maybe like many of you, am tired.

I try my best to be a decent person, kind, caring, and not bothering others. The world seems to view this as me being a pushover. It takes advantage. I'm scared of people. They're mean for no reason, and they've been mean to me. Short version, I had some abuse growing up, bullying and 'healthy boundaries," are something I need to work on (saying no). I'm tired of constant conflict and part of me feels people shouldn't have to constantly fight for every little thing. I just hate it.

How do you deal with people who are just way too pushy or insistant? There are consequences to "just sticking up for yourself," sometimes and I don't know that I can afford them. I'm kinda isolated socially for this reason, also long history of being bullied, etc.

Help?

[wierd]

General advice:

People will always seek what is most advantageous to themselves. If you expect this as the default, you can be more proactive against the innate abuse.
It is not selfish, nor is it wrong to establish boundaries for other people when it comes to encroachment on your life.
It is not being a jerk, nor being an asshole to tell somebody that they are asking too much from you when they try to cross it.
It is not wrong or selfish to tell people straight up no.

Now, delivery is everything.  While there is nothing wrong with any of those above things, you can make the assertion in a dickish way-- Try to avoid that.  The important thing to remember is that people dont REALIZE they are asking too much; To them, their request/demand is perfectly reasonable 9 times out of 10. You have to be polite, and explain to them why it is not reasonable, THEN tell them 'no.'

Occasionally, people will have "made plans" that hinge on your agreement, and they will try to bully you.  Remind them that it is very inconsiderate and downright abusive for them to plan your time for you, and that they should always ask before making any such plans, as that is the correct and polite thing to do. You can choose to give them a pass if this is your first time being assertive in such an interpersonal relationship, just assert that if they do it again, you WILL leave them hanging, and that to avoid that, they MUST ask your permission first. If they do it again after you have stood your ground like that, then you MUST leave them hanging, and be totally unsympathetic with their self-created plight. (They HAVE to learn that you are not their personal errand boy, sent by god to make their life easier. That means forcing them to experience the consequences of their abuse coming back to haunt them, and that means leaving them hanging. It is not being a dick. It is tough love.)

[Transcendant]

Question: What if you nicely show someone proof of something, and they question if it applies 10 times. I mean, you've answered them and it's blatantly obvious but they clearly don't want to hear it.

Basically the person is denying the real world rules and what if they're in a position of authority?

[wierd]

Without a LOT of expository information about this circumstance, I could not even begin to give you a useful answer.

[nenjin]

More info needed.

But a good line is “I don’t know what else to tell you (sir), the facts are as I’ve described them.”

The question you need to ask yourself though is: what is worth more to you? The things letting people walk over you affords you, or the freedom to tell someone to get fucked because you aren’t going to put up with their shit anymore?

Costs and benefits on both sides.

[helmacon]

Learn how to be angry. It's a skill.

Don't be aggressive, but be angry.

I find It's a skill that applies a lot in life, and personally it's helped my self confidence a good deal as well. Even if it dosent necessarily solve your problem, it puts things in clearer terms for the both of you and establishes some respect.

Again, I want to emphasis this doesn't mean to be aggressive, or be whiny. That will make things a lot worse for you. You have to be respectfully angry, and communicate very clearly during the interaction. 

[Transcendant]

I can see you all have good points. It's kind of a balancing act, but a hard one to learn/describe.

It's just so much competing expectations, especially among co workers. Customers are an unfortunate situation where you have to kiss their butts.
Co workers seem to be some kind of cut throat thing where that doesn't work?

Where I'm at now, kindness can be seen as weakness by some. The nicer, more effective people realize that human relationships are to be cultivated and people who try to be accommodating aren't to be smacked for it. Good leaders facilitate their subordinates and peers, get out of their way and let them work, while not taking advantage of the situation (stealing work credit, directing work, controlling information flow/access, etc). Bad ones do the opposite: micromanage, demand included on everything (even when not allowed by higher ups, priv stuff, etc). I've fun into some of the bad ones, sadly. These people are supposed to be on the same level, but yeah ... it's office politics stuff and my boss doesn't participate. Basically he's in that first category, or trying to be and is amused by the second category while frustrated too.

I never got people who aren't your supervisor being jerks about stuff / trying to manage (without any  authority to do that and supervisor saying they don't/not to report to them). It's a power grab. I think I just need to document the crap out of this (so sayeth boss).

Is there a good text to speech program so I don't have to type as much and can convert dictated notes to text (speaker up to microphone)?

Also to people in general? I'm pretty passive overall, I listen, don't bug people, and respond sympathetically. I don't register as a threat, because I'm not. Other advice?

[se05239]

Learning to say "No" and stick with it and the consequences that come with that statement will help you man up a bit.

[nenjin]

What kind of job are you in? Sales? A little more context might help us understand the situation a little better.

[Paxiecrunchle]

As the others here have said, you need to weigh the costs and benefits for yourself, but being clear, concise and direct does not make you a jerk. For example assuming someone is not physically threatening you or something you love and asks you for example ''Hey could yah give me ten dollars its all I'm missing to see this show tonight'' you could respond ''I am sorry sir, but I cannot afford to spare that much and certainly not for a frivolous cause, and most likely I will not be able to in the future as my budget for the next month is quite tight, If I could easily afford to I would though. Wish you luck.'' That would be an appropriate response in my eyes. You can even omit the apology If you really are not sorry, that said it usually helps smooth things over.

[martinuzz]

Learning to say "No" and stick with it and the consequences that come with that statement will help you man up a bit.

^^ Much this. Learn to say "No."

As the others here have said, you need to weigh the costs and benefits for yourself, but being clear, concise and direct does not make you a jerk. For example assuming someone is not physically threatening you or something you love and asks you for example ''Hey could yah give me ten dollars its all I'm missing to see this show tonight'' you could respond ''I am sorry sir, but I cannot afford to spare that much and certainly not for a frivolous cause, and most likely I will not be able to in the future as my budget for the next month is quite tight, If I could easily afford to I would though. Wish you luck.'' That would be an appropriate response in my eyes. You can even omit the apology If you really are not sorry, that said it usually helps smooth things over.

Much less this. Too polite to convey the message of standing up for yourself. A "No." is way more effective and doesn't get you labelled as a jerk. To get labelled as a jerk, you'd have to say things like "fuck off, beggar", or "do I look like your personal bank, scrub?" or "Ni!!!!"

join The Knights Who Say "No."

EDIT: do note that cultural differences may apply. We Dutch are known to be rather direct.
Never say "No." directly in certain Asian cultures, it's considered offensive there.

[nenjin]

If you want practice, walk around downtown in your city near where the panhandlers hang out. You will learn to say no and mean it while under pressure.

I was gasing up my car the other day and saw a dude out of the corner of my eye. Kind of an older, scary looking Mexican tow truck driver. I saw him ambling toward me and knew what was coming. He was like "hey man, don't want to bother you but wanted to ask a question: do you believe in Jesus?"

I said "Sometimes" just to be cute.

He was like "Sometimes?! What do you mean?"

At that point I cut him off and said "Look man, what do you want?"

And he said "I just need a few bucks to buy a hot dog man, you know?"

And I simply said "No. I'm not giving you any money."

He asked "For real?" and I said yeah. He walked off and I finshed gasing up.

As he's walking away I can hear him start shouting shit, I guess hoping I was going to hear him and react. I just ignored him and went on with my day.

[helmacon]

As the others here have said, you need to weigh the costs and benefits for yourself, but being clear, concise and direct does not make you a jerk. For example assuming someone is not physically threatening you or something you love and asks you for example ''Hey could yah give me ten dollars its all I'm missing to see this show tonight'' you could respond ''I am sorry sir, but I cannot afford to spare that much and certainly not for a frivolous cause, and most likely I will not be able to in the future as my budget for the next month is quite tight, If I could easily afford to I would though. Wish you luck.'' That would be an appropriate response in my eyes. You can even omit the apology If you really are not sorry, that said it usually helps smooth things over.

If you want people to respect you and your space/work this is not the way to do it.

They are pushing over the line with this. Push it back to center and they will just try again. You have to push it into their space a bit for them to get the message.

I always make up a bad excuse. I make it bad on purpose, so that it's obvious that I'm making an excuse, but I'm still being polite by not calling them out asking for money.

Them: "Hey, can I borrow 10$ to see a movie tonight?"
Me: "I don't carry cash, I just have plastic. Sorry man"

Obviously my excuse is bs. I could get cash back easily enough, or even use that app to transfer from my account. Still, I have told him no in a polite way. If he keeps pushing, you can be a little more direct.

Them: "you could get cash back at the place downstairs though"
Me: *laughs* "I'm not giving you 10$ dude"

Be very casual about it. If you are aggressive or serious, you will come off as a jerk most likely. Act like people ask you this all the time, and you just gotta turn them down or you would be broke. Nothing personal.

Most people would get it after the first interaction, but again, if they are pushing past the line, you can push a little too.

Practice being angry, or at least in a state where you aren't actively sympathizing with people.

[Retropunch]

Hi,

I, maybe like many of you, am tired.

I try my best to be a decent person, kind, caring, and not bothering others. The world seems to view this as me being a pushover. It takes advantage. I'm scared of people. They're mean for no reason, and they've been mean to me. Short version, I had some abuse growing up, bullying and 'healthy boundaries," are something I need to work on (saying no). I'm tired of constant conflict and part of me feels people shouldn't have to constantly fight for every little thing. I just hate it.

How do you deal with people who are just way too pushy or insistant? There are consequences to "just sticking up for yourself," sometimes and I don't know that I can afford them. I'm kinda isolated socially for this reason, also long history of being bullied, etc.

Help?

I'd 100% recommend taking up one of the martial arts. Nothing weird, just one of the standard ones which has a bit of sparring. TKD is always a good choice.  It's not that you're thinking you're going to be fighting people, or remotely aggressive, but you'll gain a ton of self confidence and feel much more able to deal with people.

I had two friends that suffered from EXACTLY what you're describing, and after 6 months or so you could palpably feel the change. They weren't nervous or edgy, or cowering any more. It'll also stop you being isolated socially, and help you deal with earlier bullying problems. Honestly, I can't stress this doing this enough. Also no excuses - I knew a guy with one arm and one and a half legs who was an incredible judoka. Talk to the club owner and explain your problems - I can almost guarantee they'll sympathise and help.

[Imic]

Advice from history's greatest good guy.