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[Urist McScoopbeard]

Week 2 down. I was super scared of being not-up-to-snuff, but it seems like I'm top of the class thus far. Even so, my arts improved pretty rapidly over the past fortnight which is heartening.

Falling behind in my reading a bit... and also have been too anxious and then forgetful to make an appointment for ADHD med evaluation goddamnit.

Made some friends which is also cool. Also did a minute amount of cleaning... but its still more than I regularly do so yay!

Even found time to work on my webcomic a bit. Hopefully I can have the first 5 pages finished this weekend.

Over all, my confidence has recovered a bit, but it feels like things could go wrong at any minute.

[Urist McScoopbeard]

Week 3 down. Still on top of my academics which is good, but my health is declining slightly... seems like I spend more time de-stressing than cleaning or cooking, and I haven't worked out enough.

I feel like this is how my spirals always start and I'm trying hard not to start the shut down process. Also've been hit with waves of anxiety the past several nights and haven't gotten any sleep. SCAD is expensive and I feel really guilty about my parents paying for it (not that they do, they just want to see me succeed and be happy and sustain some kind of quality of life for myself), but I feel like I always put myself in these mars-or-bust situations. As I do more and more research on ADHD and Anxiety, I begin to freak out at all these horror stories I hear of people who just can't hold down jobs for more than a year or less at a time--and I feel like I fit the bill exactly. My therapists have been really supportive of my endeavors, but some of the other people I express these sentiments too tell me I am wasting my time and to just suck it up.

It's making me nervous and depressed. I don't want to be a burden on my family, but I'm starting to feel like I'm incapable of supporting myself. SCAD is a super awesome place, and I've seldom had better teachers all around, but I begin to wonder if I should maybe plan ahead and transfer back to a state school closer to home for the reduced cost and put the extra money towards supporting myself before my creative endeavors become profitable. I don't even want to think about what's going to happen to me if I break down again... maybe it's the anxiety, or just lack or sleep, but I can't seem to find any sustainable paths through life... it feels like shooting for this difficult thing is my only chance, but at what cost to my friends and family and myself?

IDK, I feel adrift. The art has been going really well, even a bit better than I initially expected, and it's even easier to focus on than writing, but... all this stuff it makes me think I should try to hedge my bets a little bit... maybe get a degree in illustration instead and prepare for a freelancer career as a back up???

EDIT: It feels like every year I find some way to struggle on, some way to put in a whole lot of work to save my sinking ship, and every year it feels like I am incapable of repeating that feat and have to find some even more difficult and challenging way to keep things afloat.

[Retropunch]

SCAD is a super awesome place, and I've seldom had better teachers all around, but I begin to wonder if I should maybe plan ahead and transfer back to a state school closer to home for the reduced cost and put the extra money towards supporting myself before my creative endeavors become profitable. I don't even want to think about what's going to happen to me if I break down again... maybe it's the anxiety, or just lack or sleep, but I can't seem to find any sustainable paths through life... it feels like shooting for this difficult thing is my only chance, but at what cost to my friends and family and myself?

You (and your family) have gone through so much work to get this and you now you want to throw it all away because it's a bit stressful? I'm sorry, and I know you've got ADHD and Anxiety, but that's just being a dick.

[Urist McScoopbeard]

*sigh* I know. I'm just venting... there are very few better art educations than SCAD, like I said I just feel guilty. Am I wasting my time? Am I wasting my parents time and money? Or should I just be going for it?

I guess it's hard to believe I even got this far. It feels unreal, sitting in the SCAD dining hall actually doing the art (and having a blast). Am I going to fuck it up???

[Retropunch]

*sigh* I know. I'm just venting... there are very few better art educations than SCAD, like I said I just feel guilty. Am I wasting my time? Am I wasting my parents time and money? Or should I just be going for it?

I guess it's hard to believe I even got this far. It feels unreal, sitting in the SCAD dining hall actually doing the art (and having a blast). Am I going to fuck it up???

FUCKING GO FOR IT YOU IDIOT.

Unless your family are physically starving to put you through this then you don't need to feel guilty, and when you become a super amazing whatever you can pay them back. They seem fine with putting you through this from what you've said, but I'm sure they'll be very pissed off with is if you just ditch it because...well...because of nothing you can really seem to describe other than it's a bit stressful.

More than anything, you're there for the experience and to learn. No one gives a fuck about grades other than you, and I can guarantee your future employers won't care even a quarter as much as you think they will. I'm not saying 'just chill out' in the way of saying 'just be happier' to someone who has clinical depression, but I am saying that you need to step back and understand that you're going to fuck more stuff up by bailing on this than just continuing and not being a perfectionist.

I'm hoping that you posted just to get a bit of reassurance and for someone to say 'don't do it Scoopz! omg plz' but I'm not that person. I'm not commenting on this again until you get your act together, because it seems like you've got a bit of growing up to do - I mean that in the nicest way, but I hate seeing people throwing away fantastic opportunities like you've got for no real reason.