Handles the USSR nuclear football "Did somebody say something about communism?"
on realising nukes probably won't be able to pierce the ceiling of hell safely efficiently, pull out AK-47 and fire on that capitalist swine.
fake-edit: using reddit code again
EDIT: let off a sneaky round at Elventide for his comments One does not simply insult the USSR! 
That's why you need to
think with portals! Teleport an ICBM through one, before dropping it on all sorts of malefactors! Decadent, maddened, malicious and, worst of all,
capitalist Gruesome Murderers threatening everything you love, such as capitalism? Crack reality like it's an egg, before turning them into atoms*
. The forces of Satan preventing you from escorting the Godmodder through hell? Feed them mushrooms!
Anyway, you fire at Sir Elventide! 10 damage!
* Gruesome Murderers may, and more often than not, already be atoms. This is completely non-problematic, and can be safely ignored. Blow them up! Nuke them to smithereens. Wait, what do you mean I'm one.
(My name's not on the Pro-Godmodder's List? What heresy!)
"Like curb-stomping a slack-jawed communist!" Sir Elventide wisecracked, obviously ignoring CA's warnings about Gwolfski. "Here's another one from the haute bourgeois who's kicking your ass!"
Ordering the Metallic Men to get out of the explosive radius, Sir Elventide will fire another explosive shell into the eye of the petty capitalist before telling his metallic minions to resume their attack.
I don't know what you're talking about.
You fire an explosive shell into Gwolfski,
instantly killing him. This is a productive use of your limited explosive shells, and I wouldn't use it in any other way.
"Oooh, ja! The invaders, the ones who were lead along by the chained one, embrace Styx! Their minds burn with the accursed hunger! They make up ideologies, and kill one another for it! They become savage and hide it with monstrocities of mental and machinery! How great! How lovely! We'll drag them into Dis and Pandaemonium Theatre! We'll make sure they love it! Ahahahaha!"
sounds fun PTW.
You watch.
"Wow, this is hell? It's... not that bad. If I knew this was what it was like I'd have offed myself way earlier, huge improvement."
Welp, what is there to do in hell? Murder demons, one supposes?
As your mind considers murdering daemons, you instantly draw a scimitar and stab a Mind Flayer! 5 damage, because accidental attacks don't deserve damage. Except when you accidentally attack your friends. Then, we give you every damage buff we can think of, before watching you kill the person you were supposed to Escort.
"
Dear god, you need a hug."
"Seriously? That's it? You wanna just be better then everyone else? Or I guess worse but that's like the dumbest thing I've heard. You could have done anything, literally anything better then anyone ever. Best at DDR, best at making cakes, best at writing attacks in fourm games, ANYTHING." She sighs, "Did you wake up one morning and just decide 'Hey, I wanna be the the biggest dick so I can prove to everyone that I can be the worst fucking dick.'Red Girl's impersonation isn't of the Godmodder half bad, though her voice is a bit huskier then most women. She pinches her sinuses for a second trying to process the logic. "I'm not trying to say that you're wrong and being the best/worst/whatever isn't a quality goal but there are easier ways of doing that man. Like we could bust you out of here and try something else that's less stupid."
She leaves the Godmodder to ponder such an offer as she sizes up the onslaught of demonic forces continuing to well up. She pulls out of her satchel rather large and strange looking crucifix, it's made of gold and ornate with small flourishes and a red gem stone in the center, its about the size of a sword and looks like it could be held as one.
"Goldie, I think you need some better gear so this bad boy should do the trick. Good Friday is its name, I'm pretty sure that the magician that created this guy won't mind if you used it to stave off some demons. Mostly because he was a skeleton when I got this. Good Friday has two modes, if you use it like a normal cross it should soften the blow of demonic attacks if not stopping them. However if you flip it. Red Girl inverts the crucifix and the cross becomes a sword with the top becoming a double edged blade. "Pretty cool, right? Unfortunately it doesn't have the protection of its cross mode but to make up for it it soaks up the the demonic energy around it and turn it into some straight damage. And since this is Hell, the longer you use Good Friday the more demonic energy it soaks up allowing it to deal more fucking damage. Be careful though and turn it back to its cross mode and dispel the demonic energy gathered up, get too greedy and it might bite us in the ass."
She flips it back into cross mode and hands it to the Godmodder. "All yours man. Just don't ask me for a refund when you fuck up and the sword gets possessed or something because you wanted to one shot Belial in a single stroke."
"Wow, this is hell? It's... not that bad. If I knew this was what it was like I'd have offed myself way earlier, huge improvement."
Welp, what is there to do in hell? Murder demons, one supposes?
Red Girl's face blanches, her expression stark horror, she looks as if she needs to run far, far away from Egan. She makes a visible effort to calm down and approaches Egan. "You just killed yourself, right?" She's looking at you for some distinguishing feature, trying to prove something for herself.
You give the Godmodder
Good Friday. He happily accepts.
"
Oh, I mean, I can't really kill-squared anyone. If I was a belligerent, something tells me that whoever sent you all probably wouldn't have sent you all. Not like I need your help, baka."
"Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before stumbling" leap back over the river and charge charon, attempt to stab him with sword
You backstab Charon! 50 damage.
"Huh? No, no, I got killed by a horrible monster. I'm just saying, like, wow this is a big improvement on my life." Sophia looks sad. "...Not as good as if I'd gotten out, though."
You need a hug.
You're lucky that you're such a thing as a player character, you know. If you were some nondescript NPC, then I hope that you enjoy your free visa to the beautiful
City of Dis, where you can enjoy the slow erosion of your self identity into something that exists only as a self-loathing wraith, before flogging yourself eternally.
Smash Charon's head in with my gun, then shoot the other demons.
You break your gun, but deal 20 damage to Charon!
Summon a magical shield to block the bullets.
"I'm inside the tank, you communist swine!" Sir Elventide yelled at Gwolfski. "If you shoot at me, you risk hitting one of these explosive rounds and we all will go kaboom!"
Turning to the Godmodder, Sir Elventide expressed his frustration with him too. "You there, get your Mary Sue-esque ass back into this tank right now! Who you think you are, a video game escort character? By God, if you try to pull a damn Elincia from Fire Emblem: Radiant Dawn on us, I swear that I will tie you up and glue you to this tank!"
"
I am a video game Escort character."
He gets back in the tank. You still get shot by virtue of being to late to block!
Inject self with Stimpack. According to Fallout, drugs instantly heal broken bones! Yay! Then jump out and assess the situation
"I'm the only Communist Swine around here!"
Read the Lusty Athenian Maid to increase One-handed, then charge The demons wielding my Hand-Axe with Chaos enchant.
A: That action was beautiful, +3 damage to all One Handed attacks, and +3 to One Handed actions in general.
B: You should probably still tone it down, as not to get killed by the moderators.
You deal 8 damage to both remaining demons! Your bones hurt less.
Trickle edits in "kk" to say "kkk".
You are now a racist.
But, black people can't be racist... and certainly they can't be racist towards other black people, right?
Well, according to some... squints eyes... "official sources", one of the first slave owners was black, and the KKK is now recruiting blacks[1]!
Where am I going with this? I should probably fucking stop before I'm banned.
bibliography
[1] - my ass
I discriminate against this action. Nothing comes of it.
CUT THE BAD GUY RIVER IN HALF WITH MY SMART T-REX BRAIN.
You cut the Bad Guy River in half. Somewhere on Earth, a river stops flowing!
Celebrate return of magpie by inhaling copious amounts of questionable substances. Implant a tree inside the reaper.
You smoke.
The world is neon. You have crabs inside of your lungs, and grass growing from your orifices, and watch a Charon who is a tree. You text Sharon, and ask her if you can smoke with her. You smoke Sharon, you smoke Charon.
30 damage?
Branch out into Viking religion, send Thor to drink the entire Acheron so there is no longer technically a river to cross.
Thor becomes pure! The river Acheron becomes empty! You cross the river bank. +2% distance.
"Hmph, impressive. You can survive one of my onslaughts. But that doesn't change anything... I'm still going to kill you."
Leap forward and attempt to sever one of Charon's limbs with an insanely strong knife-hand chop.
10 damage!
The river Acheron has been drank! Charon is busy taking a... legally mandated tax break, as seen by the boulder in its face. You can cross freely?
Pro-Godmodders[PG] Maximum Spin.
Blood_Librarian: 25/25 HP. Psionic.
Tyrant Leviathan: Haste.
Dustan Hache: Cat. on the Godmodder's head.
roseheart: Cat. is the Godmodder's beard.
Secheral: Revenant.
Greatness942, Gwolfski: nineteen eleven, colt fourty-five, holding back the vampires, keeping him alive
MoonyTheHuman: 24/25 HP.
[PG] Sophia: 25/25 HP. Being stabbed by a dozen scimitars.
[PG] TrickleJest.
[PG] Maximum Spin: 20/25 HP.
Aliemma: 25/25 HP.
[PG] Elventide: 15/25 HP.
Gwolfski:
DEAD.[PG] Hell on Wheels: 275/275 HP. 6 Splash Ammo.
Metallic Men: 5/5 HP. x15.
[PG] Hell Slime: 10/10 HP.
scourge728: On the other side of the river.
Denizens of HellMind Flayer: 49/200 HP.
YT Scion: 54/200 HP.
Innards Magpie: 250/250 HP. Secheral's True Self.
Lemures:
DEAD. x∞.
Capitalist Charon: 85/400 HP. Pinned down by an adamantine boulder.
Phase 1.The GodmodderThe Godmodder: 10/10 HP. Qliphoth Armour: 75/100 HP. Caduceus. Pseudo-accelerated. Good Friday.
Days Left: 21
[05/02/18].
Distance to the Ninth Circle: 11%.
The Void? [-%]Egan_BW: 25/25 HP. Dark Wood Grain Ring.
Author
Topic: Escort the Godmodder! (Read 19229 times)