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[jocan2003]

Im french, sometime i know i fuck up what i write but today, but today ive been baffled.

"I can feel it, deep inside me, something is about to break and there is nothing i can do to prevent it. "

In the quoted sentence, can somebody point me to my mistake? Someone told me it was horrible english and i would like to know why. Mind you, the comment came from a french gal, maybe she is speaking out of her ass, but in the event she could be right i would like to know. Is it a "," badly placed? Beside the second one i dont think there is anything wrong with what i wrote.

While we are at it. If you see a better way to write anything i said please do tell me. Im always trying to improve.

[MachinaMandala]

First comma in the sentence isn't strictly necessary.

"I can feel it deep inside me, something is about to break and there is nothing I can do to prevent it" is better.

The comma is indicating two separate, linked, sentences. (<- In this sentence the commas indicate information that is useful but not necessary.)

Otherwise the sentence is fine.

[jocan2003]

Thank you.

[MachinaMandala]

As a native English speaker, I wouldn't notice it. She's being unnecessarily picky.

[hector13]

Depends on the context of the sentence, really. If the author (presumably jocan) wanted to draw attention to "it", a comma in that particular spot is pretty good. The second comma could thus become a semi-colon instead of a period/full stop.

[Bumber]

What about using a period?

"I can feel it. Deep inside me, something is about to break and there is nothing I can do to prevent it."
"I can feel it, deep inside me. Something is about to break and there is nothing I can do to prevent it." (This would imply something unrelated breaking. I don't know the context.)

[nenjin]

It's fine. She's being overly critical. Maybe she's not reacting to your grammar or your structure, but the tone and style.

[smjjames]

I see nothing wrong with that sentence, and yeah, it depends on the context and the tone.

Since it was a French person commenting on it, probably just a French person being stereotypically ornery when it comes to language.

[redwallzyl]

looks fine to me.

[eerr]

But if your audience is french people she might have a point.

I know someone who writes their sentences for simple clarity.

Also it's technically a run-on.

None of those sentences loose anything if you add a few periods.
And if you write that sentence for a weak English speaker, you probably should!

[smjjames]

But if your audience is french people she might have a point.

I know someone who writes their sentences for simple clarity.

Also it's technically a run-on.

None of those sentences loose anything if you add a few periods.
And if you write that sentence for a weak English speaker, you probably should!

Speaking of English, it's lose, only one 'o', I find that so annoying.....

[hector13]

How do you know the sentence isn’t an archer unable to fire any of its arrows, eh?

[jocan2003]

When someone experience a traumatic event something inside them breaks. I was trying to convey something similar but very deep in the soul, like "going into shock" mentally and being aware it was inevitably ( quite sure i misspelled ) coming. Like the expression "only the shell of a man remain", he is there but empty on the inside. I hope the explanation is clearer.

[chaoticag]

Hmm. There's something about it that feels like it's a direct translation. As though you wrote it in French first and turned the words over to English. That's not a terrible thing but at the same time it definitely shows you're not a native speaker.

So other than the sentence itself being mostly sound on a technical level, it's "bad" English because your choice and order of words betrays that it's a French sentence that turned English I would guess?

[wierd]

Aside from the inappropriate comma splice, I would suggest a different conjunction than "but".  Perhaps "yet", or "however"?

Personally, I would replace the commas in the beginning with a semicolon (Since they are two independent, but connected ideas), use 'yet' as the conjunction, and give some better word choice for the final clause.

"I can feel it deep inside me; Something is about to break, yet I can do nothing about it."

Looks and flows much better to me.