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[Person]

Good lord that's a lot of posts. Well, I knew what I was getting into when I started a Minimalist game. I'm processing the turn now, please wait. Last second actions might be taken, but I prefer not to make promises.

(Also Paxie, you can always edit posts. If I start rolling an action and it changes mid way through, I probably won't redo it though. There's such a thing as "too late" in this game. But you're probably asking if the phrase "if this happens do x, else do y" is legal. Answer: Yes.)

[Person]

NO! FUCK THAT SHIT! IMA BE HOSTILE SWITZERLAND! THAT BALL'S MINE!

"MESS WITH ME AGAIN AND I'LL GUT YOU LIKE A CORNISH GAME HEN... ER, GAME RAT? THOSE EXIST RIGHT?"

LEAP GRACEFULLY TOWARD THE END-ZONE, HIT THE GROUND RUNNING IF I DON'T QUITE MAKE IT. AND REMEMBER, ANYONE WHO TRIES TO GET THE BALL IS GETTING NANTO SUICHO KEN'D.

Give into my hatred and perform The Raging Demon on my foe!

(Ah I see we have our first pile up. Fun.)

1v3: GLASS TRY TAKE BALL FROM MALLOS, BUT TRIP ON FIELD.

5: BODY INTACT, BUT DIGNITY WOUNDED.

4v3: AS FAILBIRD CHARGE TO EXECUTE RAGING DEMON, BUT MALLOS EVADE WITH SOMERSAULT.

5: MALLOS ARMS DEFLECTED BY FAILBIRD SHOULDER ARMOR. ARMOR RATING TAKE HIT, BUT NO WOUNDS.

1: UNDAUNTED, MALLOS CONTINUE RUSH BALL! GAIN 5 YARDS BEFORE FALL OVER DROP BALL. HE OVEREXERTED. CAN ONLY USE SO MANY FINISHING MOVES.

JACK PARAMEDIC VEHICLE, DRIVE OVER BLUE TEAM

5: YOU LOOK AROUND FIELD, NOTICE AMBULENCE. MUST HAVE. YOU RUSH IT.

4v3: EMERGENCY DRIVERS PUT UP SOME RESISTANCE. YOU NOT IN POSESSION YET.

TEAM: RED
ROLE: TEAM MASCOT, THE RED BULL! SPONSORED BY RED BULL!
FIRST ACTION: PROVIDE ENERGY-BOOSTING RED BULL TO RED TEAM.

5: YOU 1500 POUND LONGHORN BULL. MANY CANS OF RED BULL STRAPPED TO SADDLE.

YOU TROT TO FIELD. STANDS CHEER LOUDLY AT MASCOT ARRIVAL. SPONSORS SLIGHTLY WORRIED AS RED BULL NOT OFFICIAL DRINK. BUT HOW ARE SPONSORS GOING TO STOP LONGHORN BULL? ANSWER: THEY WON'T.

2: YOU TRY DISTRIBUTE RED BULL TO RED TEAM, HOWEVER, YOU SUDDENLY REMEMBER BULLS COLOR BLIND. OH NO.

Just keep charging. Gotta keep charging.

4: YOU AWAKE FROM STUPOR. CHARGE TOWARD MALLOS TO OBTAIN BALL. BALL COMPLETELY UNGUARDED AS ALL PLAYERS ON GROUND, SO YOU TAKE.

SUPLEX PARAMEDIC CAR DON'T ALLOW IT TO HURT MY TEAM.
IF CRAZYABE CANNOT JACK THE PARAMEDIC CAR THEN JUST GO TO WHOEVER HAS THE BALL AND REPLACE IT WITH MY HELMET WITHOUT HIM/HER NOTICING.

5: YOU RUN TO AIGRE EXCALIBUR.

2v6: YOU TRY AND ATTEMPT SWAP LIKE INDIANA JONES. AIGRE EXCALIBUR SLAP HELMET AWAY. HEAD UNPROTECTED. SUDDENLY REMEMBER AIGRE ON YOU TEAM, OOPS.

HE WILL LEARN TO LOVE IT. TEACH RECRUIT THE WAYS OF CHEERLEADING.

3: TEACHING GO SLOWLY. HE UNDERSTAND WHAT NOT TO DO NOW.

JEER AND TAUNT RED TEAM INTO BREAKING LAWS OF PHYSICS ''JUST GRAB BALL BY FLOAT OVER'' I SCREAM. THIS LET ME THROW HORN AND GAIN POINT BY ENFOCING NEWTONS AND ENSTIENS BABIES, NO?

1: YOU YELL SO LOUD YOU THROAT HURT. COUGH REPEATEDLY AND BLOOD COME OUT. THAT NOT GOOD.

In the middle of the stadium, the time portal opens up. Weird people, clad in the armor of the Templar Order from the Middle Ages, stand in the middle. They look around and scream, "DEUS VULT!"

Team: Templars.
ROLE: Saracen infestation handling squad.
FIRST ACTION: Slaughter someone with our swords, then try to find the answer to our question: Where's Jerusalem?

2: NO. YOU NOT ALLOWED BE MULTIPLE PEOPLE.

(This wasn't an auto fail fyi. However, the rule of one team member per player stands. You'd just be one templar. You could try to summon more later of course.)

Team:red! no, wait. That's blood.
Role:Soldier
Action: emerge from the other side of portal(which obviously has to handle space) and start shooting blue team with CROCKETS FROM MY ROCKET LAUNCHER!

1: PORTAL NOT EXIST. SOME OF YOU GIBLETS FALL ON FIELD. VERY MESSY.

(I'm kind of sorry you didn't get in with these last three entries. Still, it is basically a 50 50 shot so don't give up!)

RED TEAM:

Mallos:
TEAM: RED
ROLE: QUARTERBACK
STATUS: BODY A BIT SORE. FEET HURT A LITTLE BIT. SOMEWHAT EXHAUSTED.

crazyabe:
TEAM: RED
ROLE: TACKLE
STATUS: HIJACKING AMBULENCE.

FallacyOfUrist:
TEAM: RED
ROLE: MASCOT: RED BULL
STATUS: COLOR BLINDNESS IMPEDES DISTRIBUTION. CAN'T TELL FRIEND FROM FOE.

BLUE TEAM:

ziizo:
TEAM: BLUE
ROLE: SAFETY
STATUS: HELMET ON GROUND.

Aigre Excalibur:
TEAM: BLUE
ROLE: Cornerback
STATUS: TOOK BALL.

Failbird105:
TEAM: BLUE
ROLE: SKAVEN STORMVERMIN
STATUS: ARMS SLICED OPEN MODERATELY. ARMOR SOMEWHAT DAMAGED.

Secheral:
TEAM: BLUE
ROLE: CHEERLEADER
STATUS: SLIGHTLY RAISING BLUE MORALE. TEACHING ASSISTANT FROM CROWD.

OTHER/FREE AGENTS:

Glass:
TEAM: PURPLE
ROLE: CONFUSED SOCCER PLAYER
STATUS: TRIPPED ON GROUND NEAR BALL.

ATHATH:
TEAM: GREEN
ROLE: GOALIE
STATUS: MENTALLY UNHINGED. SOMEWHAT INTIMIDATED.

Paxiecrunchle:
TEAM: TURQUOISE
ROLE: DRUNK REFEREE
STATUS: BLEEDING FROM MOUTH.

GENERAL INFORMATION:

SCORES:
RED: 0
BLUE: 0
GREEN: 0
PURPLE: 0
TURQUOISE: 0

BALL STATUS: 20 YARDS LEFT TO RED TOUCHDOWN. IN AIGRE EXCALIBUR HANDS. 

RTD STADIUM: PERFECT CONDITION.

SEATS OCCUPIED: 10,000/100,000
VIEWERS WATCHING LIVE: 14,000 PEOPLE.
SOCIAL MEDIA FOLLOWERS: 12,000 PEOPLE.

YOU MAY BE WONDERING IF THESE STATS ACTUALLY MEAN ANYTHING, AS WELL AS HOW ARBITRARY THEY ARE. ANSWERS: YES. ALOT.

FOOTBALL TIP OF THE TURN: ANY TEAM CAN SCORE IN ANY END ZONE, AS LONG AS THEY DON'T OWN THAT END ZONE. SAME APPLIES TO FIELD GOALS. IT WOULD BE A SHAME IF THIRD PARTIES COULDN'T EARN POINTS.

[Glass]

Hijack the Red Bull! He is Purple now.

[crazyabe]

HIJACK HARDER!!!

[Mallos]

"YOU BASTARD! GIVE ME THAT BALL BACK."

Deliver a graceful swipe across the middle of Aigre's legs, severing his muscles and hamstringing him. Try taking the ball if he is hit.

[Egan_BW]

Team: Pink
Role: Kirby
Action: Consume the Football. Become the Football.

[ziizo]

PARRY MALLOS ATTACKS PROTECT AIGRE

[FallacyofUrist]

... DUNNO? MAYBE RECOGNIZE PEOPLE I PLAYED WITH BEFORE?

[Glass]

... DUNNO? MAYBE RECOGNIZE PEOPLE I PLAYED WITH BEFORE?

o/
Play with the people you have played with milk with before

[Dustan Hache]

ASK GM TO CHANGE ENTRY ROLL TO INSTEAD AFFECT STARTING SITUATION RATHER THAN IF WE CAN START AT ALL

TRY AGAIN AT SPAWNING IN AS SOLDIER.

[ATHATH]

EMBRACE THE MENTAL INTRUSIONS OF THE F̬̺͍̤̦̣͘O̻̫̹͕̺O͈̳̮T̞̪͙͓͟B̳͔͇̜̣A͍̭̱ͅL͙̖͇̺̤͔Ḷ͙̝͔̟̫̺͠.̧͕͓̰̯̤. BECOME AN ACOLYTE OF THE F̬̺͍̤̦̣͘O̻̫̹͕̺O͈̳̮T̞̪͙͓͟B̳͔͇̜̣A͍̭̱ͅL͙̖͇̺̤͔Ḷ͙̝͔̟̫̺͠.̧͕͓̰̯̤. DO ITS BIDDING.

[Secheral]

GOOD. HE IS READY. MAKE HIM RAISE MORALE IN MY PLACE. I HIJACK VEHICLE BEFORE OTHER HIJACKS VEHICLE. THEN RUN OVER RED TEAM.

[Aigre Excalibur]

Have ball. OMG RUNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUNNN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN and stop for nothing!!!!

[CABL]

Okay, I am the commander of noble knights of Templar Order, Charles III Le Champagne.

Scream "Deus Vult" and slice someone with my sword.

[Person]

Hijack the Red Bull! He is Purple now.

1v2: YOU TRY CLIMB UP ON RED BULL BACK, BUT YOU SLIP.
1: FALL DIRECTLY ON HEAD, BIG PAIN.

HIJACK HARDER!!!

4v6: DOCTOR HAS SUDDEN SURGE OF STRENGTH, PUSH YOU OUT BACK OF VEHICLE.
2v5: YOU TRY RE-ENTER, BUT VEHICLE NOW ON MOVE. DIFFICULT TO CATCH.

"YOU BASTARD! GIVE ME THAT BALL BACK."
Deliver a graceful swipe across the middle of Aigre's legs, severing his muscles and hamstringing him. Try taking the ball if he is hit.

PARRY MALLOS ATTACKS PROTECT AIGRE

Have ball. OMG RUNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! RUNNN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN and stop for nothing!!!!

Team: Pink
Role: Kirby
Action: Consume the Football. Become the Football.

2: KIRBY NOT SPAWN. NOT YET ANYWAY.
4v5: MALLOS SWIPE AT AIGRE LEGS, BUT ZIIZO INTERCEPT WITH TACKLE. MALLOS NOW PINNED ONTO FIELD.
3: AIGRE RUSH BALL 10 YARDS. NOT BAD, NOT GREAT EITHER.

... DUNNO? MAYBE RECOGNIZE PEOPLE I PLAYED WITH BEFORE?

1: THAT SENSIBLE ENOUGH. YOU TRY DISTRIBUTE SOME DRINK TO CRAZYABE. CHARGE TO VICTORY!
1: CRAZYABE NOT PAYING ATTENTION, GORED BY YOU HORN. OH NO.

ASK GM TO CHANGE ENTRY ROLL TO INSTEAD AFFECT STARTING SITUATION RATHER THAN IF WE CAN START AT ALL
TRY AGAIN AT SPAWNING IN AS SOLDIER.

Spoiler: META HAPPENINGS. STILL CANON. (click to show/hide)

1: IT ACTUALLY ALREADY DO THAT AS WELL. WILL CONSIDER ANYWAY.
NOTE: NEW IDEA. IF ENTRY ROLL FAILS, SPAWN PLAYER AS STANDARD FOOTBALLER. ALLOW RESPAWNS AT WILL TO COMPENSATE.
Spawn 1: OKAY MY DICE HATE YOU. I'M GONNA FORCE SPAWN YOU IN JUST ONCE.
4 TURNS OF 1 AND 2 ROLLS IS STATISTICALLY VERY UNLIKELY AND NOT NICE.
I MEAN SERIOUSLY. I WOULD HAVE TAKEN A THREE. COME ON.

FORCED SPAWN: SCREAMING EAGLES! YOU ROCKET JUMP OVER STADIUM WALLS. AFTER YOU IMPRESSIVE ENTRAMCE, YOU SLOWLY BEGIN DESCEND TOWARDS FIELD WITH PARACHUTE. CHOOSE LANDING ZONE:

A: RED TEAM END ZONE.
B: BLU TEAM END ZONE.
C: CENTER FIELD.
D: CROWD.
E: OTHER.

ALSO PICK YOU FIRST ACTION. LANDING CHOICE NOT COUNT AS ONE.

EMBRACE THE MENTAL INTRUSIONS OF THE F̬̺͍̤̦̣͘O̻̫̹͕̺O͈̳̮T̞̪͙͓͟B̳͔͇̜̣A͍̭̱ͅL͙̖͇̺̤͔Ḷ͙̝͔̟̫̺͠.̧͕͓̰̯̤. BECOME AN ACOLYTE OF THE F̬̺͍̤̦̣͘O̻̫̹͕̺O͈̳̮T̞̪͙͓͟B̳͔͇̜̣A͍̭̱ͅL͙̖͇̺̤͔Ḷ͙̝͔̟̫̺͠.̧͕͓̰̯̤. DO ITS BIDDING.

Spoiler: YES (click to show/hide)

THIS TERRIBLE IDEA. I LOVE IT. (NOTE. BEING UNHINGED WAS SUPPOSED TO ALLOW ME TO MISINTERPRET YOUR ACTIONS A LITTLE BIT. I LITERALLY CAN'T THINK OF A MORE FITTING ACTION FOR YOU.)

PLEDGE ATTEMPT 1: YOU EMBRACE THE IMAGE YOU SAW IN MIND. YOU PLEDGE MIND BODY AND SOUL TO THE FOOTBALL IN ORDER TO BECOME ACOLYTE OF THE F̬̺͍̤̦̣͘O̻̫̹͕̺O͈̳̮T̞̪͙͓͟B̳͔͇̜̣A͍̭̱ͅL͙̖͇̺̤͔Ḷ͙̝͔̟̫̺͠.̧͕͓̰̯̤ WHOLE STADIUM BEGIN TO VIBRATE. SCREAMS OF DAMNED ERUPT FROM FOOTBALL.

CONSEQUENCES 4: YOUR BODY BEGIN TO TEAR ITSELF APART, AND YOU FEEL EVERYTHING THAT WAS ATHATH SLOWLY DISAPPEAR INTO THE MAW OF THE F̬̺͍̤̦̣͘O̻̫̹͕̺O͈̳̮T̞̪͙͓͟B̳͔͇̜̣A͍̭̱ͅL͙̖͇̺̤͔Ḷ͙̝͔̟̫̺͠.̧͕͓̰̯̤

YOU CAN ONLY WATCH AND OBSERVE FROM DEEP IN YOUR SOUL AS YOUR MORTAL FORM WRITHES AND VIBRATES.

UNBIDDEN, YOU BEGIN TO SCREECH THE WORDS "H̶̤̫̬̝͚̪ͅI̝͓͙̪̭͞ ̡̼̻̠̯E̺̳̗̟̰͜V̳̱̞̻͇͕E̹͚̥R̖̖͈Y̜O̤̠̗̮N͔̬͚̘̜Ḙ̰̩̗̝̻̩ ̣͔̫̀A̘͚N̵͇D̛͙̙̯̯ ̀W̥E̹Ḻ͇͓̩̦̲̻͡C̗͇͍̮̮̺O̹͉̙̙M̟̗E̪̟̭ ̠̭͎̬̤T͔͔ͅO̹̯̪̝͍͝ ̫̖͚̺̯̲̬J̴̲̪͎̦O̵̘͈H̡̺̖̖̰̤N̤͚̼̟̟͖ ͎͙M̶͚͔̼A̤̗̩̣͢D̥D̗͎E͏͉̙͖̞N͔͈̲͈͍̫͖ ͎͓̳F̰͓̹͖͔̘OO̘͈̘̗̙͓T̷̻̜B̝̜̭͈͖̻́A͔͖̝̟͍͍̯Ļ̖͍͈L̷͎̙̙̹̤̟!̟" OVER AND OVER IN AN UNEARTHLY ELECTRONIC VOICE. ITS HIM. THE PATRON SAINT OF FOOTBALL. THE MADDEN MAN HIMSELF HAS COME BACK FROM THE DEAD AND TAKEN CONTROL OF YOUR BODY.

YOU HAVE BECOME ONE WITH E̻̼L̪̥̲͕͍̕ͅD̮̦͙͎͈E͙͙͈̖͟ͅR̗͕̗̤̝̠̳͡ ̦G̛͔̰̭͙͍̩O͓D̮̮͈̼ ̩͉̪̯J̮͙͕̬̺͞ͅO̜͈̜̺̲̺̪H̩̻̥͇̪͓͎N͖̯̜̭̦͕̖ ̛̣͍͚M̞̫̠̰̠͚͉̀A̰̮̤͉̱͕̝D͔̩̦̼Ḑ̗E̶N.

YOU NOW ACOLYTE OF FOOTBALL. HAVE LITTLE CONTROL OF BODY, BUT NOW POSSESS OTHERWORLDY POWER. WHAT DO YOU ATTEMPT TO DO? (If you want to respawn that's okay, but I'm definitely keeping Madden in this. Having actions ignored isn't fun, but you can possiblly take complete control if all goes well. )

GOOD. HE IS READY. MAKE HIM RAISE MORALE IN MY PLACE. I HIJACK VEHICLE BEFORE OTHER HIJACKS VEHICLE. THEN RUN OVER RED TEAM.

6: CHEERLEADER REPLACES YOU AND PERFORMS VIGOROUS CHEERS. TEAM NOW HAS GOOD CHANCE OF GETTING BONUS TO ROLLS.
4v4: YOU SEE AMBULANCE ZOOMING ACROSS FIELD. AS IT GET CLOSE FOR BRIEF MOMENT, YOU LUNGE AND GRAB ONTO THE BACK. DRIVER AND MEDIC ASTONISHED AT YOUR GRIP. HOW DO YOU PERFORM HIJACK?

Okay, I am the commander of noble knights of Templar Order, Charles III Le Champagne.
Scream "Deus Vult" and slice someone with my sword.

(I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND A LINK TO THIS PARTICULAR CHARLES III, BUT I'LL ROLL WITH IT.)
5: YOU EMERGE FROM PORTAL IN STRANGE FIELD. THOUSANDS OF MEN, WOMEN, AND CHILDREN SIT AROUND YOU ON A RAISED AREA. PEOPLE APPEAR TO BE TRYING TO KILL EACH OTHER. HAVE YOU BEEN SENT TO SOME UNHOLY ARENA? THERE IS NO OTHER EXPLANATION FOR THIS HERESY. A DEMON IN HUMAN FLESH STANDS BEFORE YOU, BELLOWING WORDS YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND.

"DEUS VULT!" 1v2 YOU RAISE YOUR SWORD HIGH, AND BRING IT DOWN TOWARD THIS HELLSPAWN. THE DEMON STANDS STILL AND LAUGHS AS IF TO MOCK YOUR EFFORT, AND YOUR SWING GOES WIDE. WHAT FOUL SORCERY COULD CAUSE ONE OF YOUR SKILL TO FAIL TO SUCH A DEGREE. THERE IS EVIL AFOOT HERE.

RED TEAM:
Mallos:
ROLE: QUARTERBACK
STATUS: BODY SORE. FEET HURT A LITTLE BIT. SOMEWHAT EXHAUSTED. TACKLED TO GROUND.
crazyabe:
ROLE: TACKLE
STATUS: FAILING TO HIJACK AMBULENCE. RIGHT ARM GORED BY BULL HORN.
FallacyOfUrist:
ROLE: MASCOT: RED BULL
STATUS: COLOR BLINDNESS IMPEDES DISTRIBUTION. ACCIDENTALLY STABBED ALLY. 
Dustan Hache:
ROLE: SOLDIER
STATUS: PARACHUTING ABOVE STADIUM.

BLUE TEAM:
ziizo:
ROLE: SAFETY
STATUS: HELMET ON GROUND. TACKLED MALLOS TO GROUND.
Aigre Excalibur:
ROLE: Cornerback
STATUS: TOOK BALL. RUNNING.
Failbird105:
ROLE: SKAVEN STORMVERMIN
STATUS: ARMS SLICED OPEN MODERATELY. ARMOR SOMEWHAT DAMAGED.
Secheral:
ROLE: CHEERLEADER
STATUS: TAUGHT ASSISTANT(PROVIDES POSSIBLE ROLL BOOST FOR TEAM.) HIJACKING AMBULANCE

OTHER/FREE AGENTS:
Glass:
TEAM: PURPLE
ROLE: CONFUSED SOCCER PLAYER
STATUS: MODERATELY CONCUSSED.
ATHATH:
TEAM: GREEN
ROLE: E̻̼L̪̥̲͕͍̕ͅD̮̦͙͎͈E͙͙͈̖͟ͅR̗͕̗̤̝̠̳͡ ̦G̛͔̰̭͙͍̩O͓D̮̮͈̼ ̩͉̪̯J̮͙͕̬̺͞ͅO̜͈̜̺̲̺̪H̩̻̥͇̪͓͎N͖̯̜̭̦͕̖ ̛̣͍͚M̞̫̠̰̠͚͉̀A̰̮̤͉̱͕̝D͔̩̦̼Ḑ̗E̶N
STATUS: ACOLYTE OF FOOTBALL.
Paxiecrunchle:
TEAM: TURQUOISE
ROLE: DRUNK REFEREE
STATUS: BLEEDING FROM MOUTH.

GENERAL INFORMATION:

SCORES:
RED: 0
BLUE: 0
PURPLE: 0
GREEN: 0
TURQUOISE: 0

BALL STATUS: 30 YARDS FROM BLUE ENDZONE. IN AIGRE EXCALIBUR HANDS. 

RTD STADIUM: PERFECT CONDITION.

SEATS OCCUPIED: 12,500/100,000
VIEWERS WATCHING LIVE: 15,000 PEOPLE.
SOCIAL MEDIA FOLLOWERS: 18,000 PEOPLE.

FOOTBALL TIP OF THE TURN: DON'T MAKE DEALS WITH DEMONS. JESUS CHRIST THIS IS SUCH A SIMPLE CONCEPT.

Note: Hm. Other than Mallos RED TEAM isn't doing to hot. Still, they're in the lead. Goes to show how important the quarterback is I guess. That and Kung Fu, which certainly never hurts. Anyway I'm probably gonna stop using zalgo text now. It is kind of a royal pain and partially responsible for how long this took. I ask that others do likewise. (My phone keeps asking me if I want vietnamese translated, and nah I'm good.)

I LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH. I KNEW IT WOULD GET OUT OF HAND QUICKLY, BUT THIS IS PERFECT. IT ONLY TOOK 7 TURNS FOR OUR FIRST TRULY ABSURD EVENT. NOBODY HAS EVEN SCORED YET.