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Author Topic: Roll to Reaper  (Read 15235 times)

Sl4cker

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Roll to Reaper
« on: October 25, 2017, 09:35:43 pm »

Let these first few paragraphs be of use in order to disambiguate some inaccuracies and misunderstandings.

You have been given many epithets and monikers over the course of your career. Death, the Grim Reaper; this one is among the most prominent. Others include Thanatos, King Yama, and Marzanna (Of note is that skeletons do not have overt gendered features and neither should you). All of these names are an accurate one-to-two-word summation of the nature of your existence, your profession, and the dominance you hold over the fates of mortal men. But you'd really prefer if people more often called you by your real name: "Sam". Simple, short, personalized. No one's gonna make much of a fuss at a skeleton in torn bath robes named "Sam". You'd also accept "Michael". But you digress.

Another misconception of note is the concept of the psychopomp. You know very well where to go in order to reach Hell from Earth and back, but your main duty is not to eternally cart the deceased back and forth like a particularly malnourished wandering wheelbarrow man. Oh, sure, maybe you get stabbed thirty-six times in the throat. No physical object can cut up and destroy a mortal's soul in such a manner. That is your duty. That is why you have a bone-white scythe of infinite malevolence in the first place. You are the REAPER.

The third and final misconception that you will be addressing for now is that, as humans are wont to do, caught up in the broiling and turbulent nature of their own messy Life, many mortals believe that Death, eternal, inevitable, powerful and poignant all in one, would be altogether a much cleaner, better-managed affair.

You should probably apologize.

Within the past century, the human population has skyrocketed to an unprecedented level. With more people being born, there comes a deluge of people on the precipice of death. Bleeding, broken, shut down, yet with that persistent blue-white wisp known as a soul still keeping them in spiritual comatosis. You don't know why the Boss gave humans those things in the first place, especially with all the problems it causes during a surplus. They'd surely be much happier being able to comprehend their own brains, too, without all that pesky emotion getting in the way.

Again, you digress. A lack of focus is probably what is causing this problem in the first place.

In essence, your own imperfection is catching up with you. You used to be powerful, worthy of infinite respect for being that ominous figure that awaits all Life at the end of the road. But now, you are currently one billion, five-hundred and twenty three million, four-hundred thirteen-thousand, eight-hundred and ninety-one souls behind. Ninety-two, now. Ninety-four.

Physically, you're hunched over your ivory-made desk and watching the papers float on by to land on the neat stack of them currently taking up a completely incomprehensible amount of space. You'd pity yourself more, but that's really what you've been doing for the past hundred years.

You need to fix this before your bones rattle into another plane of existence.
« Last Edit: November 03, 2017, 09:23:15 am by Sl4cker »
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Quote from: Empiricist
I mean no one wants dead whales and abortion clinics juxtaposed with each other, but it's just something that happens! Like false vacuum decay!
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hops

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2017, 09:39:23 pm »

Retrieve humerii, ulnas, and radii from drawer
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Sl4cker

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #2 on: October 26, 2017, 09:32:46 pm »

Retrieve humerii, ulnas, and radii from drawer
[6]

Snapping out of your stupor and standing up, you resolve to make something of yourself, heaving your grim form towards a tiny wooden drawer (made out of dead wood, of course) and opening it up, intent on pulling yourself together in a literal fashion. You are instantly beset by a deluge of bones, not only of those forming the arms, but an entire legion's worth of skeletons cascading onto your form like an ocean of spook. Your office is now covered with bones. Your papers are intact, however, owing to their spiritual nature. You are currently swimming in the newly-created dead sea.

HUMERII, ULNAS AND RADII LEVELS: OVERWHELMING SURPLUS
SOULS BEHIND: A LOT
BONES: MORE RATTLED THAN PREVIOUSLY
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Quote from: Empiricist
I mean no one wants dead whales and abortion clinics juxtaposed with each other, but it's just something that happens! Like false vacuum decay!
carrot cakeu

hops

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #3 on: October 27, 2017, 02:31:34 am »

Assimilate all the bones. All of it. Become bonelord.
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NJW2000

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #4 on: October 27, 2017, 04:11:42 am »

Purchase a Dell OptiPlex 3050 Micro, install Microsoft Office Professional Plus, and paradigm shift your in-file list into digital form, emails perhaps.
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hops

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #5 on: October 27, 2017, 04:16:14 am »

Purchase a Dell OptiPlex 3050 Micro, install Microsoft Office Professional Plus, and paradigm shift your in-file list into digital form, emails perhaps.
Oh because that turned out so well for Bruce Almighty.
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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #6 on: October 27, 2017, 07:08:20 am »

Assimilate all the bones. All of it. Become bonelord.
Become real fucking Nito

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #7 on: October 27, 2017, 07:04:34 pm »

Look through the souls you're behind on, and hire some of them on as assistants. They're kind of responsible for this mess, so they should help fix it.
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Sl4cker

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #8 on: October 27, 2017, 07:46:10 pm »

Assimilate all the bones. All of it. Become bonelord.
Become real fucking Nito
[1]
After shuffling yourself out of the mess, you prepare to achieve maximum bone mass. You don't deign to introspect on the reason behind why you opened up a sea of skeletons and proceeded to attempt to realistically cosplay, perhaps to an overblown degree, as a videogame character that you are admittedly quite fond of, as you assume your motives should be quite obvious.

Stress-based neurosis.

You find yourself ankle-deep in skeletons. You bend over and pull out an arm, attempting to fit it onto your current one. It actually works, giving you an incredible forearm-arm-hand-arm-hand limb structure. You continue in this manner, accumulating longer and longer bones, until you reach a point where maybe a whopping half of one percent of the skeletons are attached to yourself. You fail to compensate for structural integrity, however, and collapse at once into a particularly gloomy pile of brown-tinted, dark-cloak-blanketed disappointment. You scream.

BONELORD STATUS: TOTAL OF ONE RIBCAGE AND ONE ANGRY SKULL
WORK STATUS: YOU MAY NEED A VACATION
RATTLE STATUS: YOU DEFINITELY NEED A FUCKING VACATION
« Last Edit: October 27, 2017, 07:48:34 pm by Sl4cker »
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Quote from: Empiricist
I mean no one wants dead whales and abortion clinics juxtaposed with each other, but it's just something that happens! Like false vacuum decay!
carrot cakeu

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #9 on: October 27, 2017, 07:49:09 pm »

Use bones in profane ritual to clone self repeatedly. More reapers couldn't hurt if we want fix this backlog right? Maybe you could even take a vacation while one of the others does your job.
« Last Edit: October 27, 2017, 08:01:00 pm by Person »
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Please don't let textbooks invade Bay12.
The Conquistadors only have the faintest idea of what the modern world is like when they are greeted by two hostile WWI Veterans riding on a giant potato; Welcome to 2016.

NJW2000

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #10 on: October 28, 2017, 03:57:18 am »

Use bones in profane ritual to clone self repeatedly. More reapers couldn't hurt if we want fix this backlog right? Maybe you could even take a vacation while one of the others does your job.
+1. Or if cloning doesn't work, just reanimate them.
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Sl4cker

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #11 on: October 28, 2017, 08:26:55 pm »

Use bones in profane ritual to clone self repeatedly. More reapers couldn't hurt if we want fix this backlog right? Maybe you could even take a vacation while one of the others does your job.
+1. Or if cloning doesn't work, just reanimate them.
[6] ((haha holy shit what are these rolls))

Limbless, laying down on a pile of your own bones in turn lying on a sea of all of your spare bones (you think that's why you have this many inside a drawer anyway), you aren't exactly in a position for arcane ritual magic, but you try anyway.

You let out another shriek, though this time it is not one born of frustration. This is a scream that emanates with a profoundly wrong energy - a scream carrying with it the pure unjustness and evil that, though not synonymous with it, seems to always follow close to Death. Were a mortal able to hear this scream, they would surely go mad, or perhaps even shrivel up and die on the spot - and the dead, the pristine dead, their eternal slumber... well, with such a scream calling upon their very being, who could even resist risin up once more? Such is the profound profanity held within the Reaper's Deathly Wail.

At once, the sea of bones begins to flow and crash against itself, awakening from stillness and lifelessness into a typhoon of awakening dead. You, without your requisite limbs, are caught in the whirlpool with no way out, and thus are forced to watch as the sea seems to sink towards the bottom, as if collecting to a specific point...

You are faintly aware you are suddenly rising, before your torso and head, once again, drop. This time, however, you drop back onto the marble floor of your office, curiously. You roll around, to see that the skeletal mass is not coalescing into several skeletons, but one giant bonelord skeleton - an abomination composed of hundreds of haphazardly stuck together bones, though, unlike a certain other character you were attempting to recreate previously, it is not covered in a cloak, and looks to be quite dumb, staring around the infinitely tall office with quick, repeated glances reminiscent of a weasel.

You open your mouth to speak, before the Skeleton Giant suddenly crashes through a wall, running off into the depths of Hell, seemingly about to cause all sorts of havoc. Well.

ALIGNMENT STATUS: LEANING MORE TOWARDS CHAOTIC NEUTRAL THAN EXPECTED
LIMB STATUS: PART OF A GIANT SKELETON'S LEFT SHOUlDER/UPPER ARM
STATUS IN GENERAL: ABSOLUTELY LIVID
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Quote from: Empiricist
I mean no one wants dead whales and abortion clinics juxtaposed with each other, but it's just something that happens! Like false vacuum decay!
carrot cakeu

hops

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #12 on: October 28, 2017, 08:39:20 pm »

Retrieve bone with magic. You have a spell for this, right?
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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #13 on: October 28, 2017, 08:45:09 pm »

(Rolls are 616 so far, this is genuinely hilarious. Game is off to a great start.)

Kill the skeleton giant and take control of it. You're death, and no other skeleton is going to one up you.
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crazyabe

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Re: Roll to Reaper
« Reply #14 on: October 28, 2017, 09:03:32 pm »

TAKE A VAC-FUCKING-CATION TO EARTH
« Last Edit: October 28, 2017, 09:06:39 pm by crazyabe »
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