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[BlackHeartKabal]

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I don't know why I'm trying to improve myself so much, or make up for the things I've done. It all feels like a hopeless endeavor, trying to make up for what I've done in the past, trying to help people and seek forgiveness,
all of it is hopeless. I just feel like I'm at the highest point in my life I'll ever be, and right now that's entertaining the thought of making a shitton of enemies and then ODing so I don't make anyone else's life worse. I don't really know what the hell to do at this point. It's probably true that people don't change, or right to harass and bully people who want to change themselves for the sake of making "better" people happier than themselves. And I'm asking myself, is that the world I want to live in? Is that the truth I can't accept? And if it is... why get up tomorrow?

[Eccentric Fellow]

I can not pretend I fully understand your situation, I'm not a psychologist, and my word is not law, but this is what I have to say.

It's not healthy to judge yourself based on what other people think of you. Make your peace with them, and if they won't make an attempt to forgive you it is unlikely that that they ever will. There is no use in keeping your mind in the past, try to find what you really love in life and focus on that. The world is an absurd and meaningless place, but we all have to cope with it and find our own meaning.

People can change, but true change comes from within, no amount of bullying or harassment can change who someone is at their core. We all do our best to act morally, but morality means different things to different people, no person is "better" than another in this way. All you can really do is try your best to do what's right, and if people can't accept that then searching for their approval can only end in heartache.

Only you can decide why you should get up tomorrow, no one can tell you what your life should be. You have to make that decision yourself, as hard as that may be.

[Maximum Spin]

Don't kill yourself, you might be useful to me later. Maybe you're convinced you're useless, but, if you're right, then it would follow that you're probably incapable of correctly evaluating your own usefulness, so you can't possibly know. So don't presume to foreclose on your potential usefulness just because you're so convinced of your own infallibility. Leave the decision about whether or not you are useful to others.

[BlackHeartKabal]

So, I just have to deal with it and change on my own terms, I guess?

Don't kill yourself, you might be useful to me later. Maybe you're convinced you're useless, but, if you're right, then it would follow that you're probably incapable of correctly evaluating your own usefulness, so you can't possibly know. So don't presume to foreclose on your potential usefulness just because you're so convinced of your own infallibility. Leave the decision about whether or not you are useful to others.

Harsh way of putting it, but... it makes sense. Thank you.

[Maximum Spin]

You're welcome. I find that the harshness helps people believe it.

[nenjin]

Becoming the person you want to be isn't a destination; it's a journey. There are set backs and there are breakthroughs, but it never really ends unless you give up. If you believe in karma then even if what you're doing now doesn't seem like it's changing anything or getting you any redemption, you can believe that at least somewhere, cosmically, the effort isn't wasted. I've seen some people rationalize it as "any good thing that happens to me in life from now on is because of the good things I try to do, and the good person I try to be."

And as someone who has sought forgiveness for the past: what's not important is whether you get it. What matters is that you are self-aware enough to seek it. The only thing that lessens the burden of knowledge about who you were is effort you now put out to be someone else.

[Antioch]

So did you go to a doctor already?

[BlackHeartKabal]

So did you go to a doctor already?

?

Becoming the person you want to be isn't a destination; it's a journey. There are set backs and there are breakthroughs, but it never really ends unless you give up. If you believe in karma then even if what you're doing now doesn't seem like it's changing anything or getting you any redemption, you can believe that at least somewhere, cosmically, the effort isn't wasted. I've seen some people rationalize it as "any good thing that happens to me in life from now on is because of the good things I try to do, and the good person I try to be."

And as someone who has sought forgiveness for the past: what's not important is whether you get it. What matters is that you are self-aware enough to seek it. The only thing that lessens the burden of knowledge about who you were is effort you now put out to be someone else.

It just feels like a drop in the bucket at most. Like nothing has changed as a result of what I've done.

[nenjin]

But have you changed? You're the lens through which you experience life. Maybe it's not life that needs to change. Maybe it's your outlook and perspective on it. Ultimately the only thing you have power over in life is yourself. Everything else is at the whim of fate. If you can change yourself, that's progress innit?