Just this once, I'm gonna do everybody's turn.
Go and hypnotize the other half of Somalia, uniting the shattered country.
If successful, jump-start agriculture, oil refining, mining, and all that economic crap.
Ascend to Demigod-hood.
[6]
[5]
[5]
You successfully manage to hypnotise all of Somalia, constructing a massive cult of personality all tied to you. If you were to actually leave the country, everybody's psyche would fall apart. As it stands, you have an entire nation of brainwashed servants.
Using your newfound power, you make sweeping reforms in literally every area of governance. Somalia is transformed from a hellhole to a functioning country literally overnight. Somehow.
Patting yourself on the back, you decide to transform yourself into a demigod. You succeed.
+1 bonus to rolls provided you are IN Somalia.
"thanks Satan! you all came the crazy bastard switched our bodies, also I think I am dying here"
[6]
You attempt to bluff your way through the situation, invoking Satan's name in the process.
"You rang?"A giant horned head pops out of the floor, surveying the situation. Nice job summoning the literal devil. At least the Reality Cops are distracted.
Befriend local galactic empire. Who cares about several caffeinated planetoids, right?
[4] Seeing the futility of actually hitting you with the weaponry they currently have, the galactic empire opens up diplomatic channels. They call themselves...the Galactic Empire. No relation to George Lucas' creation. Said Empire is wary of you, but also respectful of your power. They also have no idea what coffee is.
For now, there's a ceasefire.
"SHIT DAMN AGH"
ABSORB THE WAYWARD KOALAS INTO MY BODY, BECOMING SOME SORT OF GROTESQUE KOALA-HUMAN HYBRID WITH INDIVIDUAL, HALF-FORMED KOALAS PROTRUDING FROM MY TWISTED FORM, FUNCTIONING AS EXTRA MUSCLE, LIMBS, CLAWS ETC
THEN LEAP AT MY HUMAN ASSAILANT, PLUNGE MULTIPLE KOALAS' WORTH OF CLAWS INTO HIS BELLY AND REND HIS FLESHY PINK BODY APART FROM THE CENTRE WITH A MANLY FLEX OF MY MONSTROUS FURRY MUSCLES
[4]
[4]
You imbibe several koalas into your body, becoming at least 1/3rd were koala. Using the newfound strength provided by your koaloid muscle mass, you slash the Reality Cop in the gut! It's a fairly deep hit, penetrating surprisingly far past his armour.
"Gaah! You mother..."
[3] vs [2] The RC counteracts, attempting to pistol whip you. You dodge, throwing yourself off balance, but the blow was middling anyway, so it doesn't come close to hitting you.
Make the spittle kill her. The bone thing stuff should stop being a problem after that.
[5] vs [6]
Sensing victory at hand, you magnify the acid of the spittle until it eats through her. Still screaming in pain, the Old Woman waves her hand, and from the sky, a house on what appears to be giant chicken legs appears out of the shadows, picks up the Old Woman and throws her inside itself. You can vaguely hear what sounds like glass and plates being thrown around, the witch is apparently thrashing around inside. You can still hear her, so whatever it is she's doing in there, it's prevented her from dying.
"But... caffeine!" Oh well. Noticing the reality cop outside... send Coffee Puppy out to greet him.
[2] You attempt to command your mascot to go outside, but he ain't budging. Too busy STILL DOING THAT FUCKING JINGLE. It's not affecting you even slightly anymore, but apparently Coffee Puppy is sulking, and taking it out on you by being passive aggressive.
Quickly!
EDIT:
Yay no it is reserved in case any ninja posters are hanging around.
Lay the first batch of larvae, and tend to them.
[5] You successfully create the first generation of Giant Ants in your colony! They'll mature next turn, you get to choose what caste they become.
SUMMON THE UNDO BUTTON
[1] You attempt to summon a switch that'll let you undo all this freaky crap, but instead a button the same size as you with the word "UNDO" written on it falls on you, crushing you. It doesn't even have the courtesy of killing you so you can have a fresh respawn, you're still trapped in this stupid, useless form.
Out sheer rage, break with pure muscle alone
[4] With a cry of Socialist Fury, you manage to
snap one of the cuffs off! You can access magic again, you just can't affect or change anything about yourself or your own form. You can cast spells on any external object not immediately attached to you.