Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[NRDL]

"HMM, TRYING TO INTERFERE WITH MY HOBBY? WELL, MORE MEAT FOR THE GRINDER."

Turn the grinder back on and confiscate that salthammer.

If you give me a turn due to being attacked, smash the blender blades off of the blender with the salthammer.

"Fuck you Xanny! You're not my real dad!"

[1+1] vs  [2+1]

In this realm, Xantalos is king. Normally that would be enough, even with his utterly dismissive and careless attempt at warping reality to suit his ends. But Egan's Salthammer had power too. Just enough, combined with the Salt Wizard's slightly stronger focus, allowed him to win this skirmish. With one swing of his hammer, he manages to jam the blender temporarily. Xantalos is going to have to roll to fix it, giving Egan time to do other shit.

"My faithful warriors, it's time to punish the infidel captain for his crimes against my divine will... THROW THE CAPTAIN TO THE SHARKS!!!

Order my cult to revolt against the captain and throw him in the ocean.
If the cult fails to do so, paralyze the captain with my magic, and devour him in the front of my cult.*
If the revolt is successful, sail to Somalia and hypnotize local pirates**. If they try to hurt me, a couple of Chain Lightnings shall do the thing...


*The cultists are under my hypnosis anyway, I doubt they give a fuck about the morality...
I've a completely new body, so they won't know that I'm that guy.

[4]
[6]

Your newly hypnotised crew overpower the captain, who despite putting up a hell of a fight, is eventually thrown overboard. Sailing to Somalia, you hypnotise some NEW pirates. Not only do you hypnotise them, taking complete and utter control, but you bind yourself to them. In doing so you basically tie your own form to theirs, so any injury sustained by you, applies to them, and vice versa.

I will try to make my dagger invincible and also add a piece of my own souls into it,and add a satanic ritual to that where i kill 10 virgins just so i have a better chance of success

[4] You attempt to horcrux the shit out of your dagger, and it has some interesting effects. You can't be killed by it anymore as you are technically part of it.

Making it invincible will require sacrifice. [2] You attempt to ritualistically sacrifice 10 virgins, but all you get are 2, and it's not nearly enough to appease whatever forces require appeasement. The Dagger remains as it was, just with an extra chunk of PaPaj inside it.

"YES. I FEEL IT. FINALLY."

Become coffee! Or, to be exact, an immortal mage/Eldritch God that IS coffee. Let the reality suffer from this unholy combination!

[6] ( Oh come on )

You've already made yourself immortal. Add to this the unnatural state of the coffee, your form is now poised for ascension into Eldritch Godhood.

Summoning every last reserve of power within you you FEEL THE COFFEE. TASTE THE COFFEE. BE. THE. COFFEE

IT WORKED! You are now a sentient swarm of coffee and magic, free to-

Shit. Apparently scattering your caffeinated essence throughout space and time to achieve past, present and future godhood left you vulnerable to Xantalos' blender. You've been sucked into his dimension, where you are now witness to a battle between Xantalos, master of the Realm, and Egan, the Salt Wizard.

"great, thanks to you and that elf now I lack tentacles!" Let's try a non-lethal take-down for last time.
Transform my blood (this includes the blood in her due to biting my tentacle off) into a powerful sedative to which I am immune.

[3] Thinking pretty creatively, you decide to change the chemistry of your blood into a sedative. Before you can do so, the Receptionist flings you against a wall. It doesn't faze you much, but you're now a short distance away from each other, where your bleeding tentacle arms can't reach easily. It's a short impasse, for now.

Destroy the remaining bastards with the raw power of Russia.

[1] Taking a rather unorthodox approach, you channel the very soul of Russia into an attack which honestly seems rather overkill for these imps. Suddenly, before you unleash the Russian spell, you feel something go through your chest.

"I'll be taking that now dearie." You look down, and an old woman's hand appears to have been shoved through your chest cavity.

Thankfully, you can still heal, so you just spin around, dislodging the hand from your body. Turning, you see a gnarled, bony woman. In her blood-soaked hand, she holds a ball of energy. The spell! The very soul of Russia!

"Thank you for your generosity."

The old woman then vanishes into thin air. A wizard? No...a witch.

I summon a team of four white mages to defeat Xantalos, the eldritch abomination of chaos

[6] Drawing from your 8-Bit Theater ( or maybe just general Final Fantasy ) knowledge, you summon the greatest white mages who proceed to form a straight line and utilise all of their white magic abilities. They do not appear to be able to take further commands, but are instead just constantly attacking.

[2] vs [6+1] Xantalos notices their attempts at white magicking him out of existence, and crushes them with a flick of his mind. Not just their bodies, but their souls, their histories, any trace of them ever having existed. Welp.

[Sarrak]

"PERFECTION IS IN REACH."

Absorb all the stuff Xan prepared. I'm also Eltritch God, so it works for me just as well.

[Glass]

What... what just happened?
Umm.....

"Okay, mates, you'll need to deal with the rest of those monsters; I have something else that needs to be done."
Follow that witch. Yes, this includes tracing her teleportation spell. I know that she teleported. I will also teleport. I'm not dumb.

[ziizo]

"I tried peace but you rejected it, now I have to do this"
Rip off her soul from her body.

[CABL]

Summon 20 crates with Agonizers* and ammo.
Give out the Agonizers and ammo to my cult.
Carefully break the physical bond with the pirates while trying to don't lose control over their minds.
If everything goes well, check out if there are some humanitarian aid camps/convoys which we can raid, but DON'T raid them yet.

*A semi-automatic rifle with a long-ass bayonet, which uses long (7 cm), poisoned needles as an ammo. The poison cause excruciating pain and necrosis in the wounded area.

[PaPaj]

Well shit
Let's try to get another 10 virgins

[FallacyofUrist]

The mascot is a giant plush puppy holding a sign advertising the coffeeshop.

Add a bakery annex to my coffeeshop. Magically.

[Smoke Mirrors]

Patent the god blender so I am the only one who can make a device that sucks in and kills gods, then destroy the current god blender as it infringes on my copyright. FACE THE POWER OF COPYRIGHT

[Egan_BW]

"You salty bro?"

Transmute the god-paste into mundane salt.

[Xantalos]

"MAN, YOU GUYS ARE REALLY STRUNG UP ABOUT THIS WHOLE GOD PASTE THING. I WAS JUST GONNA USE IT FOR DECORATION. IT'S NOT LIKE ANY OF THIS MATTERS ANYHOW, THIS IS A MINIMALIST."

[Nosaneinme]

The ANCOM Wizard awaken and he decide to cause Revolution to dissolve the state...  his powerful red and black magic hopefully can unite this time 

[NRDL]

"PERFECTION IS IN REACH."

Absorb all the stuff Xan prepared. I'm also Eltritch God, so it works for me just as well.

Not necessarily. You're an Eldritch God in an opponent Eldritch God's plane, so the advantage would still be his. Xantalos wouldn't do nearly so well in the Coffee Dimension.

[1] vs [2+1] You attempt to absorb all the Soulpaste and take its power for yourself, but you are blocked and promptly banished back to Earth by Xantalos.

What... what just happened?
Umm.....

"Okay, mates, you'll need to deal with the rest of those monsters; I have something else that needs to be done."
Follow that witch. Yes, this includes tracing her teleportation spell. I know that she teleported. I will also teleport. I'm not dumb.

[3] vs [5] You teleport after the witch, having given orders to the armed men following you, and you find yourself in a very dark forest. Suddenly, the trees themselves attack! The branches move and wrap around your limbs and your throat, constricting you and holding you in place.

"I knew you'd follow me dearie. For a volshebnik, you're quite predictable." the old woman's voice says, you can't tell where the hell its coming from, it sounds like its right behind you while at the same time being really far away. You're starting to lose consciousness from the branches asphyxiating you.

"I tried peace but you rejected it, now I have to do this"
Rip off her soul from her body.

[2] vs [5] ( Jesus none of you guys are rolling well )

Concentrating on the primal essence of her being, you attempt to tear her soul from her body. The Receptionist ain't having none of that. She begins humming some sort of vibrating noise, without words, which starts to affect your focus. Soon you find yourself losing consciousness...falling asleep...

Summon 20 crates with Agonizers* and ammo.
Give out the Agonizers and ammo to my cult.
Carefully break the physical bond with the pirates while trying to don't lose control over their minds.
If everything goes well, check out if there are some humanitarian aid camps/convoys which we can raid, but DON'T raid them yet.

*A semi-automatic rifle with a long-ass bayonet, which uses long (7 cm), poisoned needles as an ammo. The poison cause excruciating pain and necrosis in the wounded area.

[1] ( You should really stop trying to summon crates )

The Agonizers pop into existence, and as if this were some extended running gag, proceed to explode, launching the poisoned needles everywhere. You are hit. Your men are hit. So basically everybody is double poisoned and is going to die next turn unless you can somehow fix it. Anything less than a [4] is death at this point.

Well shit
Let's try to get another 10 virgins

[6] You get 20 virgins, all of whom you sacrifice. The Dagger is now completely untouchable by magic, but will only ever work on a [1] roll.

The mascot is a giant plush puppy holding a sign advertising the coffeeshop.

Add a bakery annex to my coffeeshop. Magically.

[1] vs [1] You try and create a new bakery annex, spruce up the coffeeshop, when the little jingle playing from your giant puppy mascot starts getting in your head. Thankfully, it's still so faint that you're not getting affected too much, but you aren't able to focus enough to create the building extension.

Your coffeeshop customers are starting to congregate around the Giant Puppy, it's starting to get weird. They all appear to be swaying to the jingle.

Patent the god blender so I am the only one who can make a device that sucks in and kills gods, then destroy the current god blender as it infringes on my copyright. FACE THE POWER OF COPYRIGHT

[2] vs [3] You attempt to copyright the god blender but you are immediately blocked by a host of Non-Euclidean Lawyers ( who the eldritch god that Xantalos usurped kept on retainer ) who tell you that doing so would be a violation *insert literally infinite number of regulations and bylaws here, some of which would drive a person insane just by reading them.*

So yeah, that didn't work.

[Nosaneinme]

The ANCOM Wizard awaken and he decide to cause Revolution to dissolve the state...  his powerful red and black magic hopefully can unite this time 

? NTDL

[FallacyofUrist]

Okay, that's not good. Use a spell to exempt myself from the mind control. Actually, let's make it an exemption from all mind control.

[Smoke Mirrors]

Copyright the name Xantalos, and then drain all of Xantalos's power through THE POWER OF COPYRIGHT.