Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[NRDL]

And now, I may search for crystal undisturbed.

[2] Goddsdammnit, where is the fucking crystal!? You search and search, but it keeps eluding you. The various visual and auditory hallucinations, some of which aren't actually whisperings of mad gods, are also REALLY distracting.

use my tentacles to harvest as much coffee as possible.

[1] Reaching out your draconic tentacles, you carefully harvest the coffee beans-

SLASH!

AAAAAAAhhhh! Half of your tentacles were just slashed off. Looking to your left, the bastard who cut you is smiling.

It's an elven ninja, dressed in what appears to be leaves and skins, wielding a katana made of pure obsidian.

"You shall not take the beans. Not on my watch!"

Practice my polymorphing spell on Papaj.

[6] You decide to hit the unconscious PaPaj with a polymorph spell. It's a VERY powerful hit, so you are completely capable of turning him into whatever you want. Insert Papaj's new form here.

In the process, as you do so, PaPaj wakes up. Auto-mage defense cancelled.

Go outside and breathe some fresh village air.
Summon giant, flying, acid-shitting ass (literal, not donkey), then saddle it and fly to Somalia.
If some smarty-pants pirate(s) will try to shoot at me, my flying ass mount shall shit acid on him/her/them.

[6] You breathe some fresh village air. Your lungs are fucking cleansed by this purifying shit.

[2] You summon an utter monster of a donkey, but due to the utter freshness of the air, you get distracted and instead summon Eddie Murphy from the first Shrek movie.

You still manage to saddle him though.

...
*processing, processing*
Well, ain't dying a weird sensation?
Now let's figure out why I still feel stuff.
Examine my body, and determine why I'm no longer dead.

[2] You try and examine your body, but you're given a swift kick in the ass by some unseen higher power. Specifically me. Ur not ded cuz Aye say ur not. When in doubt:

A wizard did it.

Now get out there and get back to living!

Age rapidly to become cow sized queen ant. Search for a suitable place to start my hive.

[4] You magically age yourself up. You're not a queen yet, more like a praetorian, the step right before queen. Allows for some better mobility, and physically you're the strongest sort of giant ant soldier.

[3] You try and search for a new place to live, and there's a good spot, but it'll take next turn to get there.

Go into a dark alleyway and make a legendary dagger of total annihilation appear

Please check OceanSoul's turn to see what happened to you.

Having been woken up from your inbuilt mage-defense coma, [6] you decide to conjure up a legendary dagger of total annihilation.

Eh, Presto! There it is. This dagger will kill fucking anything...but only a roll of 2 or lower.

[Glass]

"Sarda, you a**hole, leave me alone."

Pull that soul crystal out of my shoe, it's annoying.

[FallacyofUrist]

Conjure up a television showing zilzo and the elf ninja and the coffee.

[Yoink]

Flee into a building, preferably another taver,  saloon or pub. This settlement has more than one watering hole, right?
Failing that, something like a coffee shop would do. Damn this hangover.

[OceanSoul]

Hmm, how about snake from the waist down, 2 feet tall, snake eyes, forked tongue, and warm blooded?

As for my actual action, practice my polymorphing on various animals in the village, turning them into other simple animals.

[johiah]

Travel to the spot and begin excavating. Once complete, become a queen, and lay the first batch of eggs.

[ziizo]

Use a time spell to make so the ninja-elf watch ended one second ago

[Sarrak]

My search is endless!

[NRDL]

"Sarda, you a**hole, leave me alone."

Pull that soul crystal out of my shoe, it's annoying.

[3] Soul Crystal ain't in your shoe, whatcha talkin about Willis.

Also as a fan of 8 bit theatre, you get a cookie.

Conjure up a television showing zilzo and the elf ninja and the coffee.

[6] You create not a television, but a direct portal to the action. The villagers are entranced. It takes a second for you to realise that technically, all manner of things can cross back and forth between your Coffeeshop and the jungle dimension.

Flee into a building, preferably another taver,  saloon or pub. This settlement has more than one watering hole, right?
Failing that, something like a coffee shop would do. Damn this hangover.

[3] Oh look, there's a coffeeshop right there. You fumble a bit with the door in your hungover state, so it'll take till next turn to actually enter the premises.

Hmm, how about snake from the waist down, 2 feet tall, snake eyes, forked tongue, and warm blooded?

As for my actual action, practice my polymorphing on various animals in the village, turning them into other simple animals.

PaPaj's new form is so.

[3] You try to get other animals to shape shift into other animals, but as soon as their bodies fizzle into a malleable state, they just snap back to their original forms. The animals are certainly agitated by their body-bending experience.

Travel to the spot and begin excavating. Once complete, become a queen, and lay the first batch of eggs.

[4] You head to the spot, to the west of the town, and start burrowing down. You make good progress, setting up the structure of a small nest, allowing for food storage, hatcheries, and living space. You're a bit puffed, so you're gonna have to complete your metamorphosis next turn.

Use a time spell to make so the ninja-elf watch ended one second ago

[4] You decide to not only mess with time, but also the very concept of a "watch", using your magic. Reality bends around you, and the Ninjelf realises that it's watch has technically ended.

[3] "Hmm, fine, this isn't my job anymore. But you still have no claim to these, the GREATEST BEANS IN THE UNIVERSE. Give me cause to aid you, and I shall harvest the coffee beans myself, at no cost.", the Ninjelf says, sheathing his sword

My search is endless!

[4] THERE! There it is, fricking finally! You rush and grab the crystal, holding it in your shaking hands.

"Release me, mortal. And your reward shall be great and terrible."

You hear its voice. The question is now, how do you do it?

[CABL]

"Wait, something is not entirely right... WHERE IS MY FLYING ASS?!"

Get off from Eddie Murphy
Try to summon flying, giant, acid-shitting ass again, and if successful, saddle it and fly to Somalia.
If I arrive in Somalia, use my magic to give me fluency in Somali language.

[Xantalos]

Right, chillaxing done! Eat reality.

[Yoink]

ONCE INSIDE THE COFFEESHOP, CAST TIME-WARPING MAGIC TO RETROACTIVELY CAPITALISE LAST ACTION

THEN DETERMINE WHETHER "IRISH COFFEE" EXISTS IN THIS SETTING, LET ALONE THIS CAFE
IF NOT, JUST SETTLE FOR SOME STRONG BLACK COFFEE AND MAYBE LIKE, A BLUEBERRY MUFFIN OR SOME SHIT

[Sarrak]

Proceed gleefully!

[PaPaj]

I am gonna channel my energy into the legendary dagger of total annihilation and stab Ocean with it

[ziizo]

"Well I can open portals to anywhere and anywhen. So to Which kind of cause you want to join?"