All right people, this is not a drill.
Withers -- chicken soup, stat!
Johnson -- Pad the fuck out of everything in her office. I want to be able to take a swandive in there and land softer than a baby's bottom!
Kowalski -- you've got some ribs you don't need, right?
EDIT: Oh, and thoughts and prayers, yadda yadda, nobody gives a fuck anymore because we're all just ducks in a carnival shooting gallery now. That's just life in America.
We lived for forty years waking up every day knowing the Russkies could turn us into hot vapor at any moment, I guess we can learn to live with waking up knowing we could be mowed down in a hail of bullets at any time for any reason, either from a nutbag, a political partisan, or just good old-fashioned cops.
DOUBLE EDIT: More detail on the Thousand Oaks shooting, since my day is pretty much fucked now and this is what I'm going to obsess over.
First off, I'd just like to note that when I googled "CA mass shooting", autocomplete was like "Oh, which one? Stockton? San Bernadino? Thousand Oaks?" So...yeah.
Shooter identified as Ian David Long, 28 (some sources saying 29), ex-Marine. Heavily tattooed, though no information yet if those tattoos are significant (i.e. white supremacist, gang affiliations, etc). Used a modified .45 handgun with an extended clip. No motive known at this time. Long had recently undergone a psych eval, though no information as to the result.
Long shot and killed the armed security guard at the door first, then 10 others including a sheriff's deputy responding to the incident. Possibly targeted a female cashier who worked at the establishment, which was a bar and grill with a large dance floor, typically used for country line dancing. It was "College Country Night" and the bar was filled with mostly students from nearby Pepperdine University.
Apparently at least some of the people in the bar were actually survivors of the Las Vegas mass shooting.