Was having a milder version of this discussion with some friends not too long ago.
What, as a guy, is your reaction supposed to be when a woman, out of the blue, grabs your ass?
Because it's happened to me more than once. And my default reaction was what society has generally expected of guys: shocked but friendly surprise.
But that's sexual assault by the book. It's grabbing by the pussy by another body part. It's a lot of things, on principle, we're not supposed to approve of.
These days if and when it happens to me I still jokingly call it a lot of things. But I've never reacted to it the way I react to men doing these things to women, for a lot of reasons. Where is the line? Is it how creepy or lecherous you look? How receptive the recipient is? Is it only playful if you "didn't mean anything" by it? If you're drunk? You're all drunk? Is it never ok?
I mean, I obviously know what the smart policy is because I practice it: keep your damn hands to yourself unless someone is choosing to make contact with you. Hell I even had to have a stripper be like "It's ok, here *plop*" because that's how seriously I take it. (Also I thought strip clubs had rules about that shit but w/e.)
I've had several different female strangers in my life (ahem, not at a strip club...) get handsy with me, and I *still* don't know what I actually feel about the issue. Hell I had some late night grocer the other week quietly cat call me as I walked away. And my first reaction was kinda...ewwwww....and then for a moment I actually got a little indignant.
Because the truth is, sometimes you're flattered and sometimes you're creeped out. Sometimes you're interested and sometimes you're offended. I've been in both positions before. For guys, they're generally ok with it unless a) they don't find the woman attractive or b) they're scared for some reason (and there can be a lot of legitimate reasons to be scared when the woman is the aggressor.) It's not even like this is new, this discussion is already almost 2 decades old. It was the entire point of
Disclosure by Micheal Crichton.
We can have a black and white answer to what's acceptable but in truth it's not a black and white situation sometimes, at the time, emotionally, whatever. Which is why I increasingly view it less as a gender thing and try to treat everyone by the same standard: hands to yourself. The only free touches you get are shoulder and lower arm, and you get one. Beyond that, you come to a mutually agreed moment of closeness. Then you get to be as handsy as you want. Romantic it is not but at least it's "proper." It's why this stuff with some of the guys below Cosby's level of creepiness and outright sexual assault kind of bother me. Like Louis C.K. At the time, whatever went on may even have been mutual and not a "get freaky with me for the sake of your career" moment. And then the perception changes years later and now it's, if not a crime, then wrong? I could easily reframe any of the moments I've experienced as "I've been used/shamed/humiliated/violated." And if that's how fragile things have gotten, if that's how easily anyone can land themselves in trouble, then to hell with it. Maybe I'll get back to dating in my 60s or 70s when this whole shit storm has settled down and I don't feel like I need signed statements of intent for anything from hand holding all the way up to being between the sheets.
For one thing, it's rarely about libido. It's about POWER.
Context is important. Even though I just mentioned
Disclosure as an example which agrees with you...someone's drunk wife at a wedding party "mistaking" your ass for her husband's ass isn't really about power.