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[FallacyofUrist]

walk circles around him.

+1

+1 And throw in some mockery. Once he's sufficiently unstable, trip him from behind or the side.

[origamiscienceguy]

You calmly walk in a circle around the foolish "hero", chuckling as his wild swings landed far behind you. He seemed completely unable to hit you. You begin to taunt him "some hero you are. You couldn't hit a chicken if it were two hundred pounds, sleeping, and chained up at the same time." He seemed to take great offense at this. "OF COURSE I CAN. I AM THE HERO OF SHAEDORIA! WATCH THIS AND SUBMIT TO ME IN AMAZEMENT!!" He hobbled towards one of the village's chickens, preparing to strike it down. You trip him as he charged past you, and he falls right on the poor hen. The hen gives off squeal loud enough to wake the entire kingdom. All the villagers knew what was going to happen next, but the swordsman didn't seem to know...

He slowly got up, and brushed the dirt from his clothes, then shouted once again. His constant shouting had brought nearly the entire village to the scene. "*ahem* I LET THE INNOCENT CREATURE LIVE, BUT YOU WILL NOT ENJOY THE SAME RESTRAINT FROM ME! DIE EVILDOER!" But before he could strike at you, the hoard of village chickens set on the "hero" like ants to honey. The barrage of clucking was nearly unbearable, but seeing the "hero" in agony from the constant pecking made it worth it. You start to shout over the sound of pecking, "YOU WILL RETURN EVERY ITEM YOU STOLE, AND LEAVE THIS PLACE, NEVER TO RETURN AGAIN!!" The "hero" finally gave in, his whimper barely heard over the sound of chickens. "h...he...here, take it all..." He turned his pockets inside out, and an avalanche of miscellaneous household items poured out, burying the chickens, giving the "hero" a chance to run like a cowardly dog with its tail between its legs.

Everybody from the village rushed in to grab their belongings and unbury their poultry. You find your late partner's wedding ring, and grab a few rolls of cabbage from the mess, and began to walk back to your house, your mind back on survival. However, the village elder, a woman called "Grelod the Kind" stopped everybody. "Who did this? I want the person responsible in front of me this instant!" You obediently stand in front of her. "You utter buffoon." She chastises you, "That man whom you exiled was the only hope we had left. He was destined to defeat the evil placing this kingdom under our curse. You have doomed us all. What have you to say for yourself?"

[germanyfrance]

Say in the manliest voice possible:

"That jester was not worthy of polishing your shoes, ma'am. I do not care what false sense of destiny caused that madman to leave his mother's breast and pillage the already struggling towns of Shaedoria. I may not be the youngest person, but I do know that a hero must have honor, courage, and a sense of loyalty to the kingdom that this fool did not have. If you allow me, I wish to take his place and venture forth to discover what is behind the curse on our lands, or die trying. But under no circumstance will I pillage my own countrymen, flee from a battle, or abandon the cause that I set this day. I will be the hero that Shaedoria needs, but I promise I will remain humble in doing so."

[FallacyofUrist]

Mm... I have another idea.

"The prophecy requires a hero. That man was no hero. On the contrary... I will take his responsibility onto my own shoulders."

[origamiscienceguy]

You deepen your voice to give a sense of authority, yet address Grelod with respect, "That jester was not worthy of cleaning your clothes, my lady. I do not care what false sense of destiny caused that madman to leave his mother's breast and pillage the already struggling towns of Shaedoria. I may not be the youngest person, but I do know that a hero must have honor, courage, and a sense of loyalty to the kingdom that this fool did not have. If you allow me, I wish to take his place and venture forth to discover what is behind the curse on our lands, or die trying. But under no circumstance will I pillage my own countrymen, flee from a battle, or abandon the cause that I set this day. I will be the hero that Shaedoria needs, but I promise I will remain humble in doing so."

Grelod thinks for a moment, then grants your request. "Very well, there never seems to be any prerequisetes to becomming a hero, so if you would like to go masquerading around as the Hero of Sheadoria, then my blessing is upon you." Right at that moment, a young member of the village shouts, "BANDITS! COMING THIS WAY!" Grelod turns back to you and speaks, "well, it seems you have your first quest. I'll leave the town's defence in your hands. Don't dissapoint us. She and most of the village run into the woods to hide, but a dozen men and one woman stay around you, looking for leadership.

You run up to the edge of the village and see a scattered group of 10 armed men, and 4 goblins as well. This was the same group that had pillaged the town a month ago. The men who followed you looked fearful, but still stayed by your side. They would take instruction from you, but would most likely flee at the first sign that the battle was going badly...

[origamiscienceguy]

(sorry fallacy, I was already writing a response when your post came through.)

[DolosusDoleus]

Extend our right arm towards the bandits. Now carefully, carefully, extend the middle finger of our right hand.

[Gwolfski]

Extend our right arm towards the bandits. Now carefully, carefully, extend the middle finger of our right hand.+1

and then find a sword. And a shield. Or twenty. Equip all shields in our left hand (physics!) and hold our sword in the right.

[origamiscienceguy]

The bandits begin to charge across the field to your position. Your fellow defenders begin to waver, slowly stepping back. In defiance, you take a step foreward, and extend your right fist. The bandits do not stop the charge, although the villagers with you stopped retreating, instead they gave you confused looks. In one fluid motion, you turn your fist from facing down to facing up. The attackers slow their charge, their eyes fully on your fist. They must be wary that you might be some magic-user. The defenders with you still looked confused, knowing that you knew no magic. The attackers slowly began to march towards your position, no more than 30 feet away. Two of the humans had bows and started to draw, aiming at you. Your next action, however, was the big one. You slowly raised your middle finger, pointing it straight up.

You hear a collective gasp as all the defenders are taken aback by your action, on the other side, the results were much more devastating. The humans with the bows suddenly dropped them to clutch their hearts. The bows release and strike two of their comerades in the back. The two struck humans fall dead immediately. The other 6 humans stop their charge and fall backwards, as if by some force. The goblins (unfarmiliar with the expression) continue to charge for a few moments, until they realize their comerades were no longer with them. Now they were stopped, looking extremely confused and worried about what you had done.

Taking advantage of their disoriented state, you run back to the pile of loot dropped by the "hero" and grab twenty shields and sling them on your left arm. The shields form a perfect sphere around your body with holes for your legs and one for your right arm. You grab a sword from the pile, and charge the bandits. The 8 living humans recovered now that you were finished with your hand sign, and they along with the goblins charged. The defenders were wavering once again.

[Gwolfski]

Charge the enemy, in faithfull knowledge that each shield grants us a 20% block chance! We will block them 400%! Take that, measly bandits! You can't touch us!

[origamiscienceguy]

You run through the slowly retreating defenders as a ball of metal. The defenders once again stand dumbstruck as you run past them. The bandits converge on your position, attempting to find a gap to attack you through, but your shield-sphere proves impenitrable. The strikes all glance off of the metal, and you retaliate, striking the bandits down one by one. The goblins were slightly more crafty. They climbed on top of you, and began ripping the shields off, reducing your protection. You hear the shout of the defending vilagers joining the fray alongside you. You decide to drop all but one of the shields as the goblins had reduced it's effectiveness. only 3 humans and 2 goblins were still alive and you outnumbered them heavily, but you needed to make an example of them so that other groups would stay away from vilages like this in the future...

[Gwolfski]

Stick their heads on spikes!

[germanyfrance]

^+1

But we need to leave one alive to spread the word.

[origamiscienceguy]

With your superior numbers, you cut down the last remaining foes, but one of them starts to flee. One of the town defenders goes to chase after the lone survivor, but you stop him. "Leave him to spread the word. Let's mount the rest of their heads on spikes so every bandit knows that attacking Sheadorian villages is no longer safe." The villagers happily oblige your request, while the lone woman defender goes into the forest to let the others know that the village was safe.

After a few minutes, the 9 human and 4 goblin heads made a menacing reminder of the battle that took place. You went back to the village, and were greeted with a roaring applause. The story of your defense spread like wildfire and you became a celebrity. Grelod broke up the party to tell you something, "Well, now that all doubts of your legitimacy have been quenched, I think it is time you began your journey to rid this land of evil. take what you need from the previous hero's pile of loot, and venture forth to Traniel, the capitol. You interject, "I don't have a horse or cart to carry any of the items in. How will i..." Grelod interrupts you, "You are the Hero now, legends say that the hero is blessed by the gods with bottomless pockets. You should be able to carry whatever it is you may need." You try placing your barrel-full of cabbages into your pocket, and sure enough, they vanish into thin air, yet when you try to grab one out, it reappears in your hand. You could seriously take whatever you want, but you don't want to break your promise to only take what you need...

[Gwolfski]

We need food, as that is the ultimate health source. Something to hold water, our sword and shields, and armor should be enough.