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[tonnot98]

Alright, so my brother is working barely above minimum wage as a bus boy for a yacht club. He's helping support the family because my father can't work, and my mother can't find work. This is all putting a great deal of stress on him because he feels like he's held prisoner since he's been giving the majority of his paycheck to my mom so we can get groceries and stay in the house.

For about three years now, he's been going to his friend's house to blaze it up. He comes to the house fucked up every other day, and frequently ditches me and his other friends even after we've made plans and after we've started doing stuff together just because his friend calls and offers to smoke pot with him. He is not really using pot to enjoy life in my opinion, it feels as though he's just using it to deal with life. That's probably not the best option. In my opinion, life should be dealt with sober, with all faculties so you know what the fuck you're doing. He often has no clue as to what's going on around him.

Every day I get a long rant from my mom complaining about him, most of them valid complaints. Things like, "He thinks that we're doing to this because we don't like them, but we just need his help" and "What is he going to do if your father finds out he's been smoking and kicks him out?" He's also a horrible driver. He has almost no awareness as to what people are doing around him, and often misses the street he intends to go down. He has already crashed his car thrice, totaling it the third time in which he T-boned an SUV that had children inside. He was borrowing my uncle's old pickup truck for a while before recently my uncle has forbid him from using it again, as the side of the truck got scratched to hell because he parked near a bush every time he went to his friend's house to smoke. Now, we have to drive him to his work which is 30 minutes away in a car with barely functioning brakes.

He also has no idea how to manage his money. After the 2/3rds of his paycheck he gives to us so that we can deal with house stuff, he almost always blows the rest of it on pot or copious amounts of snacks. He then complains about how he never has money.



Must leave temporarily, will update thread later today with the rest of this rant, I guess. Will not be editing OP besides this crossout and this statement.

[martinuzz]

To be quite honest, if your brother already donates two thirds of his own money in support of his family, what he does with the other third is none of your goddamn business, and I can fully understand him grumbling about having too little money even if he does spend it on weed and snacks.

If he wants to smoke pot with it, let him. People use much worse things as coping agents. Be happy he doesn't do crack cocaine, ot meth, or gets boozed on strong liquor all day. Once he starts doing that, you'll have some right to critisize him out of concern for his health. But for some pot and snacks? Really? You ought to be thankful that he doesn't take off and go live his own life, but instead sticks with your family and at least tries to be supportive.

[nenjin]

Kinda with martinuzz. There's a reason weed is called the "fuck it" drug, and it sounds like your brother has a lot of reasons to say fuck it.

It can wreck your life though if you let it. Years of saying "fuck it" and doing "fuck it" results in a life of "fuck it." But your brother probably feels like his prospects aren't going to improve any time soon, so he has no motivation to change. The driving thing is an issue but, if your brother is a bad driver without weed, chances are he's not much worse of a driver on it. (He might even be better driver due to paranoia.)

The thing that moderates use of weed is responsibilities that interfere with smoking weed. (Like having a job that you can't do high, or be high while you have it.)

The best thing he can do is find a better job than minimum wage busboy, that he actually cares about and he has to sober up for. More money in his pocket after your family's expenses and his weed habit will allow him to picture a future for himself that isn't just carrying your family's burdens around. The best thing your mother can do is a get a job so she's not destroying her children's youth by making them a work-a-day no-money stiff who the whole family relies on.

"What is he going to do if your father finds out he's been smoking and kicks him out?"

Chances are he's not going to do anything. You don't kick your breadwinner out of the house for something that trivial, especially when they're supporting your inability to provide for yourself.

Frankly, your brother holds all the cards and the more you bitch at him, the more you risk him going "You know what? Fuck all of you, my paycheck is my own and I'm outta here." It's what I'd do. I've been a pot smoker for 20 years, and fought with my entire family over the issue. Guess who won. (Hint: it wasn't them.) And yet I hold down a life, a job and make ends meet. So. Consider that maybe you and your parents don't know what's best for him, and your attitudes may actually be driving him further away.

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Thirding re: your brother's autonomy. I don't know if I've ever been as dedicated to my family as he sounds like he is. One-third of near minimum wage? Christ, there's barely anything for him to "manage badly", spending it on his own hedonism is probably the only cost effective thing he can do with it. He's not complaining about not having money because of his habits, he's complaining about not having money because he doesn't have it period (and that alongside the "holding me prisoner" comments might well be your warning sign that he's nearing dropping you all, FYI).

He does indeed sound like a shit driver, but some people are just reckless like that. That said, most of the people I know have been in at least one car accident in their lives. And I've been to some places where I basically had to fend for my life against the average driver's desire to crash me, excepting the one time somebody actually literally attempted to force me off the road. People are fucking crazy.

In my opinion, life should be dealt with sober, with all faculties so you know what the fuck you're doing. He often has no clue as to what's going on around him.

Are you bringing in a controlling share of your family's income, in your opinion?

I'm no fan of drug use myself, and I used to be of your opinion, but you really don't have any right to determine how he lives period, and especially not in this situation. The obnoxiousness of stoners is far outweighed by his support of you all.

My primary advice is that you and your mother attempt to find work. If your father can do anything to obtain income, that as well. Even part-time and minimum wage, any increase in income would probably make the situation far more tolerable for all of you.

[kilakan]

I wanna just toss this in here, cause it's not a massive help to you but: I highly doubt it's the pot that makes him totally oblivious to everything all the time, it's the stress of trying to keep his family in a house that's doing that.  As someone who grew up in a house that was rife with pot use, it doesn't make you as absolutely wrecked as people like to believe, what does make you a zombie though is stress and depression... which I also have a lot of experience with.

But yeah, TLDR:Pot isn't what's making him 'not there' it's the situation as a whole.

My primary advice is that you and your mother attempt to find work. If your father can do anything to obtain income, that as well. Even part-time and minimum wage, any increase in income would probably make the situation far more tolerable for all of you.

Also yeah, I don't know how old you are Tonnot, but if your brother is working his ass off for minimum wage, the least you and your mother could do is get a grocery store job or something to help. From my personal experience, both my parents refuse to do anything but what they think of as a dream job, so there's a lot of times in my life that half or more of my income has gone to pay their rent/fix their cars/ect.  Even a couple hours a week at like, a walmart or something would show your brother you care for him and don't want to make him carry the whole stress load of making all the money.

edit*Also as someone who is living by myself, while still supporting my mother for the last 6 years... man spending a third of a paycheque on snacks/rec is not mis-managing money in the slightest.  If he's working minimum wage, that third of a paycheque is probably 100-150$ a week which could easily be blown in a weeks worth of chips/pop.... and you'd be disgusted to know how much people spend on 'dining out' and social occasions.

Edit x 2 combo:Sorry, I also wanted to mention that I think I might be sounding harsh towards you.  There's some personal experience I have with this situation that is probably coming out right now.  I do sympathize with you, and you aren't a bad person for feeling the way you do.  Asking how you could help him shows that you do love your brother, so apologies if any of us upset you. 

[x2yzh9]

The only advice I can give much here is that I honestly think actually doing something with him, instead of dealing with a more intensifying situation it seems, try to make the best out of the situation. I don't know what to say because this seems like a very troubling, touchy issue, and if you want me to formulate an actual opinion I will but I'm not intending to offend you. Quite frankly if I put myself in his shoes I'd be on edge a lot of the time.

[tonnot98]

Alright, I see where all of you are coming from.

To answer one question I saw, I recently turned 16, however it is highly inconvenient for me to work anywhere while I must go to school. I could try and push my mom harder in trying to get a job, but it may be a fairly large obstacle with only one car between two working people, especially if they get similar hours. My mom may be very unwilling to work or look for work within this or the next two weeks, as she's just now dealing with menopause. Tons of abdominal pain, apparently. I'll try and see what I can do to ease off the pressure from my brother, and will cease questioning his habits. I realize now that I was being a bit selfish with this topic, trying to make the problem my own, when it's painfully obvious that all the stress is on him.

Though there is a bit of a more immediate problem.

My brother has stated that he is going to his friend's house to probably get blasted, and then come home, and then go to work high. My mom and I have voiced our displeasure at this, her much more intensely than I. She has threatened to refuse to take him to work if he gets high, and he's made claims of "You better fucking not." with a very justifiable claim of "What if I get fired?"  I don't very much like that last statement, as it felt more like a threat than anything else. It's like he's gonna start using his breadwinner position as a point of advantage in arguments like this from now on. This may have very bad repercussions in the near future, depending on what happens.

Anyone know how to calm down a stubborn cuban mom going through menopause?

[MetalSlimeHunt]

Probably something along the lines of "Mom, we're going to be out on the street if he gets fired". What your brother said was a threat alright, and a credible one. As nenjin mentioned, he genuinely holds all the cards. This car thing is like the one card he doesn't hold, but your mother doesn't hold it, nobody does. Your brother is in the very unusual position of being able to pull "my house, my rules" on the rest of you.

Depending upon circumstances, you could ask your brother to get a ride from his friends for this week, since your mother is in pain.

[nenjin]

You could try and gently reason with your brother that he could be fired for being high/too high at work too. Chances are he won't listen though. I certainly didn't at his age. Going to work blazed (working kitchens) or getting blazed at work was pretty much a ritual for my friends and I. So impinging on the stuff he and his friends share is probably not going to go over well.

Like I said, it sounds like the cards are all in his hands. The best you can do is be supportive of him, so when he really needs a brother to talk to, he feels like he turn to you. My older brother reacted to my habits with my friends sort of like you're reacting your brother's: with hostility and disapproval. And man would it have been nice to have my brother on my side in those years.

[tonnot98]

Depending upon circumstances, you could ask your brother to get a ride from his friends for this week, since your mother is in pain.

His stoner friend doesn't into cars either. He gets around because of his mom, granted that they are in a much better position than we are. Also the pain hasn't stopped my mom from driving him for the previous week, and actually I think the pain's starting to go away, but I have a feeling she'll use it as an excuse to not work.

The best you can do is be supportive of him, so when he really needs a brother to talk to, he feels like he turn to you. My older brother reacted to my habits with my friends sort of like you're reacting your brother's: with hostility and disapproval. And man would it have been nice to have my brother on my side in those years.

I will try being supportive of him, but I genuinely feel uncomfortable around him and talking to him when he's high.

Man, whenever I post here I want to go on another rant about another one of his behaviors, but I know it's unnecessary. This feeling of emotional frustration is new to me, though the lack of logic in some of my mom and brother's arguments is not, but only adds onto it.

[Arx]

How's public transport in your area? I worked a job much of this year after varsity hours, using the bus system in my city. You have to commit to wasting quite a lot of time when you're dealing with public transit, but it doesn't sound like you're necessarily in a position to avoid it.

[Tiruin]

Not knowing the context of all that (As in, inferring the part of your brother could go along obligation, or pressure, or otherwise, with all that)--there's a part that doesn't seem being mentioned: His story :O [Along with a lot more to it like the context of everything]

What you can help is getting to know what he thinks, because all these stressors you see about him are towards something--many things, which may include the lack of belongingness at home (given by the presence of complaints rather than acknowledgements or guidance) or within his connections with people. If you see him trying to cope; don't add pressure to him but help him out by being supportive with him--talk with him, be with him, and if you have anything about his behaviors, try talking it out with him first or get connections he can share with you/your family so that you all have other people to go to mutually. Even a thank you and addressing what's being done helps a lot.

You can't change others' behaviors but you do influence them in a way; try mentioning it to your parents to follow up their rants with constructive advice or suggestions rather than being rants alone, etc. [It's more the "little things"; do note what he's avoiding or doesn't respond well to, and if it's usually in communication, be flexible or change the approach. Nobody listens more to rants than to words they can connect with, it's also the follow-up in what's being said that matters, because the way thoughts go, there'll be a lot of time to think about things after any of you meet each other. Even if it doesn't seem like it works out when you try; do not attack him, in the least you can attack his behavior if it's very detrimental, but be aware of him and what he's dealing with that stresses him] Many behaviors you may observe can come from a lot of exposure through a long period of time. It's rather less on the drugs he's taking but moreso that he's taking that to cope--and it's that the stress affecting him that's influencing him and inclination to doing certain things more.

[kilakan]

To answer one question I saw, I recently turned 16, however it is highly inconvenient for me to work anywhere while I must go to school.

I mean, inconvenience hasn't stopped probably half of high school students from working part time.  Though i guess you could live in the middle of nowhere.

I think the biggest problem here about how to help your situation is that aside from drug use and that he's supporting you, none of us know anything to be able to really help you.

Honestly, your brother is giving up the opportunity to start his own life to keep a roof over your heads.  He could be going to college, university, moving away to get a better job, living on his own and starting his own family, but he's not because if he leaves you are screwed.  If your father truly is incapable of working, is he on disability?  Though I guess you might not live in North America so then it's not applicable.  But if you do live in the USA or Canada, there's support programs for people who can't work, and people who can't find work.  Both your parents should realistically be able to get governmental help based on what you've said... but it seems that maybe they are too lazy and content on forcing your brother to work?

I dunno man, I could be very wrong here.

[tonnot98]

You're probably right on my mom being a bit lazy, but my dad is too old to work, and has a multitude of health problems, so he's retired and we'll start to get checks because of that. According to my mom, I'll also start getting money since I'm a minor (he retired very recently) but I'm not exactly sure how that'll work. To answer one of your other questions, we do live in the US, and in Florida. The reason why working is inconvenient for me during school is because the "city" I live in is very weird for a city. Everything is spaced out to the point where if you don't have a car, you can't reliably get anywhere. There's no large public transportation systems in place either, probably because of how far apart everything is.

I've talked with my brother yesterday night, and I'll try and work with him to get my mom to either find a job or to gain unemployment checks. Of course, with much more focus on getting a job.

[TheBiggerFish]

Yeah.

I don't really know what else to say that hasn't been said.

Good luck, and I hope things get better for you all.