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[Melting Sky]

It's a shame I don't still have the save for reference, but I had this one old fort where the dwarves had a really weird obsession with making artifact thongs. I had like three of these insane things kicking around. All of them were ridiculously gaudy and painfully ornamented with things like menacing spikes and rings often with horrid violent imagery engraved on them. That fort produced close to two dozen artifacts, most of them even more strange and useless than the last, but the series of thongs definitely stood out as their crowning masterpieces.

[Eric Blank]

I once fucked up and got a barrel made of magic missile. (Material intended for use, obviously, as magic missiles.) Because the material had no value modifier, the value of the artifact would change constantly. It could be any random number, positive or negative. So my fort value would skyrocket or plummet accordingly.

[94dima94]

After melting down my only metal items in the fortress to make some new picks, a dwarf immediately steals the 2 ingots I get and makes a toy boat...

Yeah, that artifact actually killed my fortress. I couldn't make a new pick in time, so the mayor died in the caves before I could get there. He was VERY popular.

[Thisfox]

One of the dwarves at my newly minted fort, Guildplunge, suddenly realised towards the end of the first winter that he could go down in history as the first maker of an artifact. He grabbed a huge pile of pink tourmaline and some granite and wood, and made a bright pink mug, Mat Udos "Pureworship the Bend of Man" decorated with pink gemstones in the shape of a kiwiman, encircled with bands of granite and wood for strength. I'm actually a big fan of this, as it is really visible even on my screen, the only pink mug, and I can see where the dorfs have left it lying around the liquor stockpile. Everyone drinks from it. The mug was not only the first artifact, but the first mug in the fort, although I took the hint and commissioned some boring granite mugs as well, which also float around. I have not managed to find anyone who has had a truly decadent drink yet though, so apparently it doesn't modify that bit.

[muldrake]

After melting down my only metal items in the fortress to make some new picks, a dwarf immediately steals the 2 ingots I get and makes a toy boat...

Yeah, that artifact actually killed my fortress. I couldn't make a new pick in time, so the mayor died in the caves before I could get there. He was VERY popular.

I haven't actually checked this, but the wiki claims you can forbid an item a dwarf in a strange mood is carrying and this will result in them taking it to the workshop, abandoning it, and getting another of the same general sort.  Another option would have been to demolish the workshop he was using although this would cause him to go insane immediately.

Still, that's a pretty good awful artifact, literally destroying the fort.

[Ironfang]

A dwarf made an artifact that is really useless, I can't help think of it as something funny.
A dwarf made a pig bone mask.
I can't help but think of a dwarf running around in a pig mask.

[Tesnivy812]

My worst artifact would have to be an apricot-wood floodgate, decorated with more apricot wood, with an image of a turnip in even more apricot wood

I don't even have a use for a floodgate right now, so the Turnip Gate is just sitting unused in a stockpile somewhere.

[muldrake]

My worst artifact would have to be an apricot-wood floodgate, decorated with more apricot wood, with an image of a turnip in even more apricot wood

I don't even have a use for a floodgate right now, so the Turnip Gate is just sitting unused in a stockpile somewhere.

I'd actually like this.  I almost always use at least one floodgate.

[MorsDux]

any artifact that can be "built" in a noble room is at least useful for a king or baron. My king gets off on my artifact grate.

Any ideas for the use of a pig tail chausse, decorated with pig tail, made from pig tail cloth, menacing with spikes of pig tail?

[muldrake]

any artifact that can be "built" in a noble room is at least useful for a king or baron. My king gets off on my artifact grate.

Any ideas for the use of a pig tail chausse, decorated with pig tail, made from pig tail cloth, menacing with spikes of pig tail?

Dump the artifact and its creator into magma.

[Kyubee]

A dwarf made an artifact that is really useless, I can't help think of it as something funny.
A dwarf made a pig bone mask.
I can't help but think of a dwarf running around in a pig mask.

A pigmask you say?  I wish my dwarves would make things like that. I got the likes of a floodgate once. Then I never got anything useful again.

[NJW2000]

A dog bone shortsword.

The dwarf that used it managed to kill a three eyed giant scorpion with a poisonous sting, BAREHANDED AND UNARMOURED.

Wearing armour and using the sword, he was beaten to death by troglodytes.

Turns out you can't get much of an edge on bone.

[Demonicfruitbasket]

>Dorf taken by a strange mood "Cool I wonder what cool artifact my dorf will make me!"
>Dorf claims mechanics shop "Uuuh okay maybe hes gonna make a nice traction bench i could use one of those"
>Dorf makes bituminous coal mechanism

You've gotta be f**** kidding me

[Lielac]

Nothing too awful recently in my forts. I would like to note that, unless something's changed in 43.xx, dwarves who've made artifacts can't go insane due to prolonged unhappiness/stress, so any creator of an artifact, even a useless artifact, is useful for rebuilding in the event of a tantrum spiral.

[muldrake]

This isn't ghastly because it is a coffin and I've been needing those lately, but it's worth only 3600.  It's especially disappointing because I actually opened the caverns and started a textile industry just to get this jerk his silk cloth before he went nutso.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Also, because it has a picture of a complete piece of garbage scroll on it, for some reason.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

That scroll is something carried around by one of the visiting human bards.