Meanwhile, amongst a disturbing amount of bugbear corpses...A single bugbear lies in the dirt. It would cry if it had tear ducts. Or was sad.
Across the battlefield
...Terry Pin tends to his wounds in the only way he knows how: meditating on the thought of muscular anthropomorphic turtles feeding him grapes on a beach. Miraculously, such thoughts manage to completely heal his leg! Not only that, but any emotional scars from having his leg run over by a bus are also gone! Phew, what a relief!
...Dyler Turden, on the other hand, started things and feels an overwhelming desire to finish them! Even MORE of an overwhelming desire than that to stop feeling pain from the numerous broken ribs. It's that overwhelming.
And it's that overwhelming desire that sending him towards the remaining bugbear! It's that overwhelming desire that makes him truly believe that Bugbear 1 is just another seal needing to be clubbed! BUT WAIT! There's an even bigger seal running off in the distance! It's almost the size of the bus he was just on! Turden's overwhelming desire for seals takes over, changing course and running off towards the huge rolling seal.
The
bus driver feels relieved that the maniacs that were on his bus are off doing other things. He sighs, puts on some music, and looks in his rearview mirror...
To see one of those very maniacs running after him.
'What the fuck' he thinks to himself, turning the bus around to face the obviously rabid guy attempting to dent his bus EVEN MORE.
Tor Tiss is hurtin'. Bad. But hey, violence always comes first right?
...Unfortunately, hurtin' doesn't really take kindly to motor functions, and Tor only manages to poke the bugbear with his Turtle Totem a little bit, not really doing any kind of damage.
"You win this time, hurtin'."
...Tor decides to copy his yonder Turtle-Taming brethren, by going to his turtle-y place in meditation.
Unfortunately, said turtle-y place seems...remarkably barren. Not a turtle in sight. There's a lot of thunder and rain though. So that's fun.
A surprise bolt of lightning jolts Tor out of his meditation, sending him tumbling backwards down a previously-unseen-and-unmentioned hill, hitting several bumps along the way and not really making his wounds any better. As he rolls to a stop about 20 feet below the plateau everyone else stands on, he decides that now is as good of a time as ever to look for a turtle buddy.
...
...
Nope. Nothing he can see without getting up. And getting up definitely hurts.
Corleoni Spice-a-roni wants to ride the success of his last attack by taking out Bugbear 1 once and for all!
...Hitting it a few times with a saucepan should do it.
"This is my saucepan! There are many like it, but this one is mine! Feel its rage, tempered in a thousand hot sauces!"As the bugbear gets up and attempts to brush itself off, Corleoni winds up with a golf swing, swinging his saucepan and sending it to the ground once more. It's bruised, but not much more. It'll take a lot more than a solid whack to take him out.
"Well. Somewhat rude of them."
Kobosh the Professor decides he's had enough of people not appreciating his music. Maybe one of his fellow adventurers would fare better...
...He walks over to the meditating Terry Pin, still making small talk to imaginary turtle hunks. Sure the man we seems the most healthy could benefit the most from healing, right? As he walks up, he pulls out his old accordion and plays a few opening notes. Unfortunately, it's both not enough to jolt Terry out of his trance, and just enough to cause something to malfunction in the old thing. It's kaput. Very kaput.
"Hm. Oh well. Do you have an accordion, Mr Pin? Or a will?"
Thankfully before he can do any more damage, Kobosh realized that Terry doesn't...actually have any wounds. Huh. Whaddya know.
Busy Hernan leans against a tree. A lot's happened in the last...oh, 5 minutes or so. A few weird creatures died. A lot of people fell over. He climbed a bus, and jumped off of said bus. Some dude sang so badly heads literally exploded.
And yet...there was still one angry dude left. And Hernan had one question for Bugbear 1.
"How deep is your love?"...Hernan stares down the last remaining threat to the poorly-cobbled together group one might call a 'team'. Might. He attempts to subconsciously ask where it all went wrong. All that he manages to do, however, is look at just the right angle for a frankly excessive amount of sunlight to reflect off his mask and light the last bugbear up faster than September by Earth Wind and Fire lights up a dance floor.
Hernan is taken aback for a moment, surprised that his subconscious assault managed to do THAT much damage. He watches as the bugbear burned, and soon it was all over. Finally.
A voice rings out from the window through which Bugbear 5's head had flown.
"WHO THE FUCK DID THIS?!"A tall woman dressed in purple robes (although you could hardly call them robes), shows up in the window.
"Really? You guys? God dammit, are you the adventurers I sent for? Fucking hell, that was the welcoming committee you DUMBASSES."Before anyone can respond to who they can only assume to be their future employer, a loud honk comes from behind them. Dyler Turden leaps out of the way of the
giant seal bus as it careens towards the castle. The bus driver inside gives everyone the finger as he performs a perfect J-Turn and skids to a halt in front of the castle doors.
"You too? You asshole, park your bus somewhere else, I'm trying to deal with these fucks."The bus driver steps out of his bus and flips her off too.
"Wow, okay. Hey adventurer douches, kill that guy and I'll forgive you for killing my other new recruits."The bus driver scowls, and goes back into the bus. He opens up the glove box and takes out an ALARMING amount of firepower, including a few sticks of dynamite. He exits carrying his new weapons and a bottle of beer, taking a swig and pointing one of his revolvers at the group.
Looks like he's given up on the rest of his route.
Busy Hernan the
Disco BanditInventory: Disco Mask, Disco Ball
Health:
BrahCooldowns:
Suckerpunch (2)Dyler Turden the
Seal ClubberInventory: Seal Skull Helmet,
<REDACTED>Health:
Broken RibsEffects:
Seal Clubbing Frenzy (3)Kobosh the Professor the
Accordion ThiefInventory: Mariachi Pants,
Beer-Battered AccordionHealth:
GoodCooldowns:
Sing (2)Terry Pin the
Turtle TamerInventory: Helmet Turtle, Turtle Totem
Health:
Great!Cooldowns:
Patience of the Tortoise (3)Corleoni Spice-a-roni the
SaucerorInventory: Hollandaise Helmet, Saucepan
Health:
Missing Front TeethCooldowns:
Salsaball (2)Tor Tiss the
Turtle TamerInventory: Helmet Turtle, Turtle Totem
Health:
Several puncture wounds on back, bruised everythingCooldowns:
Patience of the Tortoise (3) 
Bus Driver
Health: *Thumbs Up*
Status: *Angry gesturing*
Inventory: Bottle of Ice Cold Willer, Stick of Dynamite x4, Revolver x2
Bus
Health: 90% IntegrityBushes
Status: Possibly Turtle-y
Author
Topic: Nobody Likes the Lackeys - Chapter 2: Drive My Meatcar (Beep'm beep beep yeah!) (Read 8378 times)