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[Greenstarfanatic]

"HAIL, ADVENTURER"
You yell to yourself as you read the heading of the letter you had received not 3 and a half minutes ago (It was actually 4 minutes ago). Thankfully nobody is around to hear you sound like an idiot for about a paragraph.

"I CALL UPON YOU IN MY TIME OF NEED"

"Yadda yadda yadda, King Ralph, Sorceress, blah blah blah, evil across the land, portals...AHA!"

"YOU WILL BE COMPENSATED GREATLY"

That settles it, whatever this person want you are more than glad to give them it. Now if only you had a way to get to...

"800813, Final Boss Lane. Huh. Seems like a strange place to start a quest."

...yes, if only you had a way to get there. Thankfully, being the thorough person when it comes to checking letters for hidden money, you decide to shake the envelope vigorously, causing a bus pass to clatter to the ground.

Looks like it's going to be a bumpy trip.

Arriving early the next day at the bus stop to Eastern Loathing, you come across some...peculiar individuals. Not to much that they look weird, even though they do, but one just...one seems to stand out to you. Like you've seen them before. Maybe in...a mirror?

Spooky.

Spoiler: OOC Intro (click to show/hide)

WELCOME ONE AND ALL, TO "NOBODY LIKES THE LACKEYS".

What is this? Who are you? Where am I oh god the walls are closing in
I'm Greenstarfanatic, and this is hopefully going to be my only major writing project of the next while. I do the occasional RTD game, and they often end up going to shit due to updating scheduling. BUT NO MORE.

This is going to be a fairly straightforward RTD, similar to my really only successful one "Mall Fight RTD-ified", in the sense that there will be little set structure, not many stat-related stuff besides the core M's, and a lot of crossover stuff. The main setting with be the Kingdom of Loathing. For now. If anyone remembers Roll To Dodge Princess Celestia and the countless boss fights/mass brawls that had, this may be familiar, as I generally try to mooch off of that success as much as possible. Prepare to live, fight, lose, die, and repeat.

Wait, Kingdom of Loathing? The hell is that?
Well, KoL is a neat little thingamajig that can be found HERE if you wanna play it and HERE if you wanna...well, read it.

But even if you do neither, you can still play this game! I won't be doing anything to people that requires knowledge of the game, and references to the game usually end up being references to things the game originally was referencing, so jokes get through anyway. If you do have knowledge of KoL, great! All the better, you'll be able to laugh slightly more than the rest of people.

...Okay. How is this gonna work?
You pick a class. You make a character. You fight stuff. I roll dice. We laugh. We cry. We laugh some more because of the phrase "Orc Chasm". In the end, it's gonna be a standard RTD with your stats in the three Ms helping to determine a few lil bonuses.

3 Ms? Like Mean, Median, and Mode?
Sure. Completely forgot that was something else it stood for.

BUT NO. The 3 Ms in this case are:
MUSCLE
MYSTICALITY
and MOXIE

For every 5 in a stat that you have, you'll gain a +1 to corresponding rolls.

Ahahaha, jk, stats are gonna by a mystery.

The different classes, as they will be shown below, have specialties in these stats. You'll see.

Okay, I'm in. How do I make a character?

GLAD YOU ASKED (Finally).

Spoiler: Character Sheet (click to show/hide)

Name:
Class: (See Below)
Stats:

• MUSCLE:
• MYSTICALITY:
• MOXIE:

Physical Description: (What do they look like under that crappy stick-figure facade?)
Personality: (Are they a saint? Are they an asshole? Probably the latter considering the title.)
Inventory: (See Class)
Skills: (See Class) - Green Skills are Passive, Purple Skills are Active

Spoiler: Classes (click to show/hide)

MUSCLE

Seal Clubber
"Seal Clubbers hail from the frigid Northlands, because one character class always hails from the frigid Northlands. They rely on their Muscle to survive."

Stats:

• MUSCLE: 10
• MYSTICALITY: 5
• MOXIE: 5

Skills:

• Definitely Not Steroids - You'll gain twice as much muscle as your other stats after battles! HOO!
• Seal Clubbing Frenzy (5 Turn Cooldown) - For 5 Turns, you'll gain a little bit of extra muscle! HAW!
• Clobber - You can hit stuff with a stick! HOO HAW!

Starting Items:

• Seal-Skull Helmet - Protects your noggin from danger. Especially seals. But other stuff too.
• Seal-Clubbin' Club - A Club you use for clubbing. Especially seals. But other stuff too.

Turtle Tamer
"The Turtle Tamer's mystical connection with his/her terrapin brethren imbues him/her with great power. (S)he excels at moving very slowly and winning footraces with smug satisfaction. His/her Muscle is the key to his/her success, and to his/her long lifespan."

Stats:

• MUSCLE: 10
• MYSTICALITY: 7
• MOXIE: 3

Skills:

• Turtle Blood (Totally Humane) - You'll gain twice as much muscle as your other stats after battles! *Happy Turtle Noises*
• Toss - If you've found a pet somewhere, you can chuck them at enemies. Chances are that's gonna hurt everyone involved, especially once PETA gets involved. *More Happy Turtle Noises*
• Patience of the Tortoise (5 Turn Cooldown) - You can think about turtles and it makes you feel happy and stuff. Heal a little bit of a wound, even emotional damage. We all know that's what hurts the most *The Happiest Turtle Noises of All*
• Professional Tamer - Turtles kinda like you. If you find one, chances are it'll come with you.

Starting Items:

• Helmet Turtle - Is it a turtle you trained to sit on your head? Or just a shell you wear for fun? Nobody knoooows.
• Turtle Totem - A religious idol of some kind. Maybe. Who knows, but it hurt like HELL if you hit someone with it.

MYSTICALITY


Pastamancer
"With his/her mastery of the arcane secrets of Noodlecraft, the Pastamancer is a force to be reckoned with. (S)he relies on his/her Mysticality to get ahead in the world."

Stats:

• MUSCLE: 6
• MYSTICALITY: 10
• MOXIE: 4

Skills:

• Angel Hair - You'll gain twice as much mysticality as your other stats after battles! Oooooh
• Manicotti Meditation (5 Turn Cooldown) - Take a moment to meditate, getting in sync with with rhythmic waves of the noodles that make up the underlying structure of reality. What? You didn't know? Well know you know, AND feel a bit healthier! Ahhhhh
• Spaghetti Spear (3 Turn Cooldown) - Ever tried to stab someone with spaghetti? Well now's your chance, and what better way to do it than launching a huge piece at your foes at breakneck speeds! Woooooaaaaaaaah

Starting Items:

• Ravioli Hat - A fairly big piece of ravioli you've, for whatever reason, decided to wear as a hat. It's a bit sticky.
• Pasta Spoon - Kinda like a spork...ladle...thing? Nobody's really sure what these things are but hey, it's magic.

Sauceror
"Long engaged in an uneasy truce with the Pastamancers, the guild of Saucerors protects the secrets of the Ancient Brotherhood of Gravymakers. Their Mysticality is their most important attribute."

Stats:

• MUSCLE: 4
• MYSTICALITY: 10
• MOXIE: 6

Skills:

• Arcane Aioli - You'll gain twice as much mysticality as your other stats after battles! BAM!
• Sauce Contemplation (5 Turn Cooldown) - What is sauce, truly? A mixture of spices and various vegetables, perhaps some meats at times, yes, but...what does that mean?
  
  Well, it means that you can feel a little bit more magical, and more than a bit more saucy. Literally, it summons a small jar of sauce. YUM!
• Salsaball (3 Turn Cooldown) - There's Hot Sauce, and there's !!HOT!! Sauce. This allows you to throw a magical glob of both at your enemies! Watch them get second degree burns while complimenting you on your unique blend of spices!TAKIN IT TO FLAVORTOWN!

Starting Items:

• Hollandaise Helmet - If you coat a bowl with hollandaise sauce and put it in a freezer, you'll be left with a disgusting mess. Granted, it'll be a tough disgusting mess that you can wear as a hat.
• Saucepan - A hefty metal pan. Magic pan, sure, but nothing really beats whacking someone with a pan.

MOXIE


Disco Bandit
"The Disco Bandit boogies to and fro, hither and yon. Whence comes (s)he? No man knows. Whither strikes (s)he next? All men live in fear of him/her and his/her Moxie."

Stats:

• MUSCLE: 7
• MYSTICALITY: 3
• MOXIE: 10

Skills:

• We Got The Beat - You'll gain twice as much moxie as your other stats after battles! Le Freak!
• Pickpocket - Kleptomania is a serious disorder that afflicts many citizens of Loathing every year. Thankfully, almost all of them are already thieves and/or bandits like yourself, so at the very least, you're already pretty good at stealing from people. C'est Chic!
• Suckerpunch (3 Turn Cooldown) - Have you ever seen someone and thought to yourself "Hey, they look like they're breathing way too much."? Well, now's your chance to fix it by lowering their defence with a surprise punch to the gut!Awwww Freak Out!

Starting Items:

• Disco Mask - A black mask. Well, it was black, until you attached copious amounts of sequins to it. Now it shines bright (like a diamond).
• Disco Ball - A shiny ball of plastic and mirrored glass. It has dual use: Setting up sweet dance parties at your place, and chucking at people who look at you funny. It's surprisingly effective at both!

Accordion Thief
"The scourge of mariachis and polka bands, the Accordion Thieves have plied their malign craft since time out of mind. Their Moxie serves them well in both their adventures and their interactions with "the ladies/gentlemen.""

Stats:

• MUSCLE: 3
• MYSTICALITY: 7
• MOXIE: 10

Skills:

• The Earworm's Blessing - You'll gain twice as much moxie as your other stats after battles! Snazzy!
• Grand Theft Squeeze - Accordion Thieves have a very specific type of Kleptomania. They have an impulsive need to steal Accordions and Accordion-like items. They kinda just roll with it though. Jazzy!
• Sing! (3 Turn Cooldown) - Combined with your vicious accordion skills, your vocal harmonies have the power to shatter glasses, crack eyeglasses, and sometimes even make hairline but extremely painful fractures in people's bones! Razzy!

Starting Items:

• Mariachi Pants - This is a pair of pants you stole from a mariachi. You stole his pants because he didn't have an accordion. He didn't have an accordion because a different Accordion Thief had already stolen it from him.
• Stolen Accordion - Now for your first accordion, you should probably just go buy one.
  
  ...
  
  You already stole one, didn't you. Fine, just keep it.

Current Players:

Busy Hernan, the shiniest Disco Bandit this side of Shiny Bandit Grove (Harry Baldman)
Dyler Turden, leader of the <REDACTED> and, armed with his trusty <REDACTED>, <REDACTED> extraordinaire! (Tomasque)
Kobosh The Professor, the former Sauce Professor and now full-time Accordion Thief! (lawastooshort)
Terry Pin, the owner of many turtles that aren't actually turtles and are more likely small rodents, and professional Turtle Tamer! (Dylanamite)
Corleoni Spice-a-roni, the spiciest Sauceror, coming straight out of the Flavourtown mafia. (Pancaek)
Tor Tiss the Turtle Tamer that's slightly more Turtle than Tamer! (Beirus)

Waitlist:
Cauca Noodledoo, the Pastamancer that...uh...sure does love pasta. (DoctorMcTaalik)

[NJW2000]

Inifpossiblepleasebutverylatewilldosheettomorrow.

[Harry Baldman]

Spoiler: Character Sheet (click to show/hide)

Name: Busy Hernan
Class: Disco Bandit

Stats:

• MUSCLE: 7
• MYSTICALITY: 3
• MOXIE: 10

Physical Description:


Personality: he's nice enough! Nicer if you're hot and/or got some killer moves. He's here to dance the night away and chew bubblegum first and foremost - theft is just what he does due to having no actual trade skills. It's not a very profitable line of work though, since any property he touches becomes at least ten times hotter by merely basking in the light of his sequins, so he tends to need to do a lot of it to make ends meet, but it's like not really him, you know?

Inventory:
Disco Mask - A black mask. Well, it was black, until you attached copious amounts of sequins to it. Now it shines bright (like a diamond).
Disco Ball - A shiny ball of plastic and mirrored glass. It has dual use: Setting up sweet dance parties at your place, and chucking at people who look at you funny. It's surprisingly effective at both!

Skills:
We Got The Beat - You'll gain twice as much moxie as your other stats after battles!
Pickpocket - Kleptomania is a serious disorder that afflicts many citizens of Loathing every year. Thankfully, almost all of them are already thieves and/or bandits like yourself, so at the very least, you're already pretty good at stealing from people.
Suckerpunch (3 Turn Cooldown) - Have you ever seen someone and thought to yourself "Hey, they look like they're breathing way too much."? Well, now's your chance to fix it by lowering their defence with a surprise punch to the gut!

[Tomasque]

Spoiler: Character Sheet (click to show/hide)

Name: Dyler Turden
Class: Seal Clubber

Stats:

• MUSCLE: 10
• MYSTICALITY: 5
• MOXIE: 5

Physical Description:


Personality:
 ^{"The first rule of Seal-Clubbin' Club is don't talk about Seal-Clubbin' Club."
        -Dyler Turden}

 Charismatic caveman and mind-boggling mastermind, Dyler Turden is a legend among the members of the <REDACTED>. He is constantly looking for a new recruits to join the <REDACTED>. In reality, the <REDACTED> doesn't have any members since only he knows about the existence of the <REDACTED>. He sure does like talking about it a lot, though.

 _{"<REDACTED><REDACTED><REDACTED>!"
        -Dyler Turden}



Inventory:
Seal-Skull Helmet - Protects your noggin from danger. Especially seals. But other stuff too.
<REDACTED> - A Club you use for clubbing. Especially seals. But other stuff too.

Skills:
Definitely Not Steroids - You'll gain twice as much muscle as your other stats after battles! HOO!
Seal Clubbing Frenzy (5 Turn Cooldown) - For 5 Turns, you'll gain a little bit of extra muscle! HAW!
Clobber - You can hit stuff with a stick! HOO HAW!

[star2wars3]

(will post character here when I get home from school)
((PTW for now. I may create a character for the wait list if I get around to it))

[lawastooshort]

Spoiler: Character Sheet? (click to show/hide)

Name: Kobosh the Professor
Class: Accordion Thief

Stats:

• MUSCLE: 3
• MYSTICALITY: 7
• MOXIE: 10

Physical Description:
Kobosh the Professor is a physically imposing man, when stood upon his favourite stolen accordion. When he isn’t, he is almost a foot shorter. He is balding, with a face that shines with radiant happiness when he is holding, stealing, or thinking about accordions. Other times he looks right grumpy.




Personality:
Kobosh the Professor is from the North, where he was once, by trade, a Professor of Sauce, and called Gordon – but he forsake the secrets of all that nonsense the first time he saw a live accordion, and was taken by the urge to possess it. In any case, he was soon fired when the University’s vintage accordion collection went missing again.

Anyway, being from the North, his personality is rather pragmatic (yet mysterious, some might say, due to his being gruff and not so talkative [unless the subject or interlocutor interests him, or you are wrong]). He is often kindly and happy, unless you have an accordion, in which case he isn’t, until you don’t. He’s also been known to steal bouzoukis and other eastern folk instruments to help him fight the urge. His house is amazing. Sometimes he steals from himself just for fun. Other times he just lounges on his chaise longue and strokes his accordion.

He actually really likes accordions and their music, which often creates conflict. For example, his musical dream is to hear great symphonic music performed by an entire orchestra of accordions, but his overwhelming urge to steal said accordions would soon ruin it all.

Stats:

• MUSCLE: 3
• MYSTICALITY: 7
• MOXIE: 10

Skills:

• The Earworm's Blessing - You'll gain twice as much moxie as your other stats after battles! Snazzy!
• Grand Theft Squeeze - Accordion Thieves have a very specific type of Kleptomania. They have an impulsive need to steal Accordions and Accordion-like items. They kinda just roll with it though. Jazzy!
• Sing! (3 Turn Cooldown) - Combined with your vicious accordion skills, your vocal harmonies have the power to shatter glasses, crack eyeglasses, and sometimes even make hairline but extremely painful fractures in people's bones! Razzy!

Starting Items:

• Mariachi Pants - This is a pair of pants you stole from a mariachi. You stole his pants because he didn't have an accordion. He didn't have an accordion because a different Accordion Thief had already stolen it from him.
• Stolen Accordion – Kobosh’s favourite stolen accordion.

[Pancaek]

Spoiler:  Corleoni Spice-a-roni (click to show/hide)

Name: Corleoni Spice-a-roni
Class: Sauceror
Stats:

• MUSCLE: 4
• MYSTICALITY: 10
• MOXIE: 6

Physical Description:

Personality: What's there to say? He's the godfather of sauces. Or at least, that's what he wants to become. Corleoni gets excited about anything cooking related, and super excited for sauces of all kinds. His goal in life is to make the ultimate spicy sauce.

Corleoni is usually an amicable enough sort of guy, though he can be as temperamental as his spicy sauces. A man should be fierce like a habanero hot sauce, while still having a soft side like some nice smooth custard, grandma spice-a-roni used to say.
Inventory:

• Hollandaise Helmet - If you coat a bowl with hollandaise sauce and put it in a freezer, you'll be left with a disgusting mess. Granted, it'll be a tough disgusting mess that you can wear as a hat.
• Saucepan - A hefty metal pan. Magic pan, sure, but nothing really beats whacking someone with a pan.

Skills:

• Arcane Aioli - You'll gain twice as much mysticality as your other stats after battles! BAM!
• Sauce Contemplation (5 Turn Cooldown) - What is sauce, truly? A mixture of spices and various vegetables, perhaps some meats at times, yes, but...what does that mean?
  
  Well, it means that you can feel a little bit more magical, and more than a bit more saucy. Literally, it summons a small jar of sauce. YUM!
• Salsaball (3 Turn Cooldown) - There's Hot Sauce, and there's !!HOT!! Sauce. This allows you to throw a magical glob of both at your enemies! Watch them get second degree burns while complimenting you on your unique blend of spices!TAKIN IT TO FLAVORTOWN!

[Greenstarfanatic]

Oh god.

What have I done...

[Pancaek]

Oh god.

What have I done...

You made a game so spicy, it's gonna take us on a wild trip straight to flavourtown, dude!

[TheBiggerFish]

You, sir, have made a Game.

Sheet incoming.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Name:
Class: (See Below)
Stats:
MUSCLE:
MYSTICALITY:
MOXIE:
Physical Description: (What do they look like under that crappy stick-figure facade?)
Personality: (Are they a saint? Are they an asshole? Probably the latter considering the title.)
Inventory: (See Class)
Skills: (See Class) - Green Skills are Passive, Purple Skills are Active

[dylanamite]

Introducing Terry Pin

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Name: Terry Pin
Class: Turtle Tamer
Stats:
MUSCLE: 10
MYSTICALITY: 7
MOXIE: 3
Physical Description:

Personality: Terry's a pretty nice guy. He likes to think he's kind to everyone, especially if that person has four legs and a shell. He sometimes confuses people with turtles. And horses with turtles. And most things with turtles. He likes turtles.

Skills:
Turtle Blood (Totally Humane) - You'll gain twice as much muscle as your other stats after battles! *Happy Turtle Noises*
Toss - If you've found a pet somewhere, you can chuck them at enemies. Chances are that's gonna hurt everyone involved, especially once PETA gets involved. *More Happy Turtle Noises*
Patience of the Tortoise (5 Turn Cooldown) - You can think about turtles and it makes you feel happy and stuff. Heal a little bit of a wound, even emotional damage. We all know that's what hurts the most *The Happiest Turtle Noises of All*
Professional Tamer - Turtles kinda like you. If you find one, chances are it'll come with you.

Starting Items:
Helmet Turtle - Is it a turtle you trained to sit on your head? Or just a shell you wear for fun? Nobody knoooows.
Turtle Totem - A religious idol of some kind. Maybe. Who knows, but it hurt like HELL if you hit someone with it.

[Greenstarfanatic]

God, I love every single character so far, it's amazing.

Either tonight or tomorrow, depending on how many people have put forward character, I'll grab the first 6 adventurers and we'll be off. People will die every once and a while, so the waitlist shouldn't be too bad.

Hopefully.

[crazyabe]

ptw

[Beirus]

In. Gonna tame me some turtles.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

 Name: Tor Tiss
Class: Turtle Tamer
Stats:
MUSCLE: 10
MYSTICALITY: 7
MOXIE: 3
Physical Description: He looks like a pretty regular guy, aside from the fact that he is bald, has an almost completely flat nose with thin nostrils, and a beak-like shape to his mouth. His neck is also slightly longer than normal.
Personality: Tor is a very slow-paced guy. That isn't to say he's dumb, he's actually quite intelligent. But he likes to take his sweet time with everything, from talking to pondering. The only thing he moves relatively quickly at are his favorite hobbies, taming turtles and killing things with turtles. He tends to quickly tuck his head and neck inside his shirt when startled.
Inventory: Turtle Helmet, Turtle Totem
Skills: Turtle Blood (Totally Humane) - You'll gain twice as much muscle as your other stats after battles!
Toss - If you've found a pet somewhere, you can chuck them at enemies. Chances are that's gonna hurt everyone involved, especially once PETA gets involved.
Patience of the Tortoise (5 Turn Cooldown) - You can think about turtles and it makes you feel happy and stuff. Heal a little bit of a wound, even emotional damage. We all know that's what hurts the most
Professional Tamer - Turtles kinda like you. If you find one, chances are it'll come with you.
 

[Greenstarfanatic]

Bump for the four people who said they'd post. Opening intros will be going up tonight!