Perfect! Now to Look for some something to Pipe the Water into Yoink's House...
[5] You open the door to your shed; a massive pile of tubing tumbles out, nearly burying you. You're not sure when you bought it, but that's hardly unusual—you get drunk pretty often.
Yoink's house is right next to yours, so you should be able to pump it in pretty easily.
Fill bathtub with boiling water. Plug. Suspend potatoes over that in something. Cover the whole tub with a door.
[1] The tub filled, you begin to place skewers across it. In an unfortunate turn of events, you slip on the slightly-damp floor as you set up the third; the skewer slides against the side of the tub as you flail, trying to catch yourself. Failing, you fall towards the tub; the now-diagonal skewer impales your eye, causing you to scream with pain. Half-blind and hysterical, you tumble into the tub—which is, of course, still full of boiling water. This does not bode well for your continued survival.
start cutting potatoes
[4] You do so in a mundane-yet-efficient fashion.
Temporarily date my hunger with my least favorite digit. Afterwards, find someone to invite over for lunch.
[5] The lone digit satisfies you far more than it should—
perhaps you should become a cannibal? oh wait, you already are one—and, surprisingly, your wounded hand does
not bleed all over the place. After bandaging it up, you phone a neighbor; despite not knowing you all that well, they accept. A few minutes later, you hear the doorbell ring.