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[StelarCF]

Uristus' History of Anonim - Onionbread

The Year of Puterking
Month of Hematite
...with his issue unresolved by puterking, many dwarves would have gone insane now and then. However, Cefist instead resorted to creating a tool for creating sheets of paper out of nearly anything - many would have considered it an artifact in its own right, had Cefist not completely used it up in his intensive paper creation. Thus, trees, stored logs and even rocks had been used by Cefist for paper - hence why some pages in the original are missing or are replaced by copies, while the original pages' nature was only determined through analyzing neighbouring pages. On the other hand, the ink problem was solved when a troll was killed, his blood being used to replace the ink. Furthermore, a human caravan had come and reprovisioned the fortress with many things, including paper and ink. Thus, Cefist's problem had been solved, and by mid-Malachite next month he will have finished his Magnum Opus - On the Issue of Redistribution of Excrement Produced by Large Concentrations of Dwarfs; An analysis of its characteristics and dangers and a solution for the problem. Within it are contained upwards of 600 pages on the topic described by the title. The prose is mediocre, but the information contained was cutting edge. Overall, Cefist is estimated to have written 5693 pages of paper from various materials, many of which were rewritten or rejected from the final creation. Additionally, it is estimated that approximately 53 liters of ink, 2 liters of dwarven blood and 25 liters of troll blood had been used to write the work...

Last update I'll write for puterking's turn I think. Going to let him finish the rest, I've done what I wanted of my "arc" this year.

[StelarCF]

Hey, puter, unless you can finish today/tomorrow I am willing to give you a final one week extension.

Would that be fine?

[CaptainArchmage]

If Puterking doesn't think he or she can finish by the end of the week, best wrap the save up and we can continue it. Either next person gets the rest of the year and the next year, or we can have someone run it in the interrim.

[StelarCF]

If Puterking doesn't think he or she can finish by the end of the week, best wrap the save up and we can continue it. Either next person gets the rest of the year and the next year, or we can have someone run it in the interrim.

Yeah, agreed.

[StelarCF]

Posting to note that UnicodingUnicorn has requested to skip his turn due to IRL issues.

[CaptainArchmage]

Posting to note that UnicodingUnicorn has requested to skip his turn due to IRL issues.

Please ask for Puterking to submit the save. I am willing to wait on that so we don't screw up the brilliant progress so far, or the role play.

[puterking]

Meanwhile, in the mayor's office...

Bloody hell, it's been rough lately. Last night I had some serious cramps, and suddenly I had to go to the bathroom as fast as possible. I barely made it before the whole fort could hear. Sweet Armok, I can smell it...

I'm still stuck in here, in this foul-smelling room. I've been here for the past day, with endless rounds of unceasing, hideous shits piercing my soul and the toilet. Oh no, I can feel a big one coming....

President Puterking had been stuck in the room for yet another few weeks, and by then some dwarves began to grow concerned. They had not seen their president in a long while, and were practically leaderless. Finally, one of them decided to enter and see if he was alright. A horrible stench came from the bathroom, and it was there they saw a most disgusting sight; the dead corpse of Puterking, coated in feces.

[StelarCF]

And with that Puterking has finished his term.

Because I'm a bit busy, CaptainArchmage is going to take the save and finish the turn up to the 1st of Granite, when it will be my turn.

[CaptainArchmage]

Time to set up a flag and a campaign sign, then.

Code: [Select]

***************************************
*     MOOBEDIAH JONES * CELFIST 8     *
*                                     *
*       Shit™ We Can Believe In       *
***************************************


Journal of Moobediah Charlemagne Samuel James Wilberforce Jones, also known as Moobediah Jones, 17th Hematite, Year 8

Today, I had to help CaptainArchmage wheel puterking out of the bathroom. He was not responsive, and there was blood, shit, and pieces of paper everywhere. As Captain of the Guard, I've been writing up reports all day about it and according to the medical experts he will need some time to recover (see attached medical reports). I have also been informed puterking is stepping down. This means we have to fill up an important post. Cefist's wasn't able to take up command. Since "The Incident", CaptainArchmage locked himself in his office doing "research", and it looks like he's left me in charge as Captain of the Guard. It looks like I have work to do.

Confidential Medical Report - RE: Puterking Shitsuation - 17th Hematite, Year 8

Today, puterking suffered a medical emergency and was found in his bathroom, unconscious and covered in shit. There's a difference between being completely covered in shit and dead. It turns out when shit is held inside the colon for a long time, it tends to solidify as the water is removed from the "stool". In puterking's case, this meant a semi-conical plug formed, preventing puterking from forcing out the excrement further by normal means. It seems that after realising the predicament, he attempted to pull out the solidified shit out, protecting his hand using various pieces of paper, and using a reflective surface to calculate his movements. The result was a rectal overpressure event, where all the backed up excrement was evacuated just about everywhere it should not have been, and we believe propelling puterking across the room and causing some stress on the spinal chord. The impact itself resulted in unconsciousness. I believe puterking will need a few weeks or months to recover fully from the experience, and bloody stools can be expected in the coming days due to internal haemorrhaging, but otherwise he should be able to walk properly within the next few days.

Spoiler: Credit where credit is due (click to show/hide)

Thanks to 9Gag for providing a similar story regarding Confidential Medical Report.

[CaptainArchmage]

Did you think I'd forgotten about this? Note, I will be adding images soon.

Batch of Executive Orders Issued by Moobediah Jones, 17th Hematite, 8

EXECUTIVE ORDER 1Moobz

Basically, NOBODY FUCKING SET THE ZONING UP FOR THE FUCKING CITADEL. I MEAN TEMPLE. Inb4 puterking is or likely hired a fucking idiot. Puterking, next time, make sure the zoner isn't zoned out. I need people IN THE ZONE when they zone. Inb4 someone needs to be HELD ACCOUNTABLE for this SHIT.

The Cathedral of Years is now zoned right. I mean puterking's temple is totally IN THE ZONE.

EVEN THE TOP LEVEL IS IN DA ZOHNE. Now I just need to create a solid gold pimped out balcony for dis temple.

Meanwhile, puterking is already watching the classy dance show in the huge ass marble dining hall CaptainArchmage had mined out.

Executive Order 2Moobz GET DA SUPA SLUMZ OUT OF THE ZONE

SLUMS ARE OFFICIALLY OUT OF THE ZONE. Seriously. These small places are being stripped down and tossed out. We’re getting new housing for everyone who doesn’t have good housing. We also have the beds and doors for use in other places.

Executive Order 3Moobz get deez animals to a PAHSTURE

Serious guys. These animals don’t eat stone, stone shavings, or dorf pubes. The last thing I want is a hungry llama trying to eat mah pubes or mah beard.

We also need a farmer’s workshop. I naturally put one in the pasture so people can focus on the work and not the commute.

Executive Order 4Moobz DEEZ STATUEZ

Seriously guys. As the law and order candidate I CANNOT BELIEVE you cannot properly install a statue up to specifications. Like this one.

OH NICE, JUST LEAVE IT ON THE STAIRWELL SO ANY MORON CAN BUMP INTO IT.

Exective Order 5Moobz: Panda Issues

I’m feeling a bit better having shouted at everyone who deserved having a good shouting. Now, I don’t know who did this but we have no bamboo for pandas, so we’re selling the panda to the humans for some gold, platinum, and “other stuff™”.

Exective Order 6Moobz: Tables and Chairs are Really Important™

Dwarves and other beings deserve properly furnished quarters. I have personally allocated to my own humble dining room another table and chair. I have also asked for two more tables and chairs for Elderstrumpets and two more tables for the library, The House of Bolts.

Journal of Moobediah Jones, 17th Hematite, 8

OH LOOK. Zasit is now mayor again.

18th Hematite, 8

We got rid of some pre-worn old trousers and sold off a good meal to the humans for some of their goods. Waiting on some more food and that panda before we buy that stuff.

I’m also going to try to breed us some more turkeys.

24th Hematite, 8

Another disgraceful mess. Someone sold a bunch of precious gems out to the humans, so I bought it back with those prepared meals. Not pointing any fingers. However, the humans have enough leather and cloth that I want the whole thing bought out. We also got all their wood and metal so far. Just a few more barrels of prepared food needed.

26th Hematite, 8

Troglodytes are encroaching on the stairwell. You know I have NO FUCKIGN IDEA WHO DESIGNED THAT THIS WAY but we’re scrambling the defences NOW. TURQUOISE LEGION ACTIVATE! GO GO GO GO GO!

27th Hematite, 8

You know it really helps when people can negotiate this shit themselves. LIKE, THE BROKER. Anyways we order the stuff we “need” from the humans. By which I mean we need more of. In other news the world is the same as ever.

28th Hematite 8

The results of the battle are in. The troglodytes have been reduced to a single member, who fled. We’ve won this time. Now to secure the caverns.

Oh, and some tribe of cave dwellers had a fight with a batman or something here.

1st Malachite 8

NEW MONTH \o/

During the design process of the Eastern Gate to the upper caverns, I found part of Pepe’s Nose. Against my better judgement, I might call this entrance Pepesgate.

2nd Malachite 8, Executive Order 7Moobs

Marble is now banned from being used for anything but economic purposes.

3rd Malachite 8

Another troglodyte incident. They keep on coming out of the walls!

Also the trading is complete.

4th Malachite 8

At least our masons are doing a good job still, despite all the chaos with troglodytes down in the caverns. Oh wait, our military is so good and our citizens so well trained they usually dispatch the troglodytes quickly.

[Fleeting Frames]

 - A balcony for temple? Hm, I've never seen anybody dancing in one. Maybe if they did anything more than mediate....Oh well, maybe include a mister then?

 - Statues make  decent heavy weapons, I think, if you can carry them.

- Sounds like there's clutter.

- It's good if one can flee, then after that the troglodytes should be afraid.

- If marble is economic, it means there's at least 1 entire stone layer of it usually (though not always)

[CaptainArchmage]

- A balcony for temple? Hm, I've never seen anybody dancing in one. Maybe if they did anything more than mediate....Oh well, maybe include a mister then?

 - Statues make  decent heavy weapons, I think, if you can carry them.

- Sounds like there's clutter.

- It's good if one can flee, then after that the troglodytes should be afraid.

- If marble is economic, it means there's at least 1 entire stone layer of it usually (though not always)

All excellent points. The thing is, you have to define two zones, one on the ground floor (that's first floor to those in North America), and another on the floor above. I don't think they can, say, listen to a preacher and we don't even have any preacher roles in the game yet. The balcony can give, however, some extra space.

As to statue, we need a mine cart cannon.

The troglodytes are a danger to unarmed civilians. Mostly, they get terrified and shredded by our dwarfs, either one or the other.

Marble IS on a few levels. The mayor's complex and a lot of other housing is now down there. Well, the nice housing with the bathrooms for each dwarf, dining hall, office space, and so on and so forth.

[CaptainArchmage]

4th Malachite, 8

After all the troglodyte incidents, I'm going to build a wall. I'm going to build the biggest wall Onionbread has ever seen, and I'll make the troglodytes pay for it. Plans will come along in the next few days, as always.



I've also decided to send the military to the south end of the fort since this gypsumhead with the mental aptitude of an XXSerrated Green Glass DiskXX decided to go pick up shit near the trogs, and is in the mood for causing trouble to reinforce his fragile masculinity and impress some unmarried bone doctor. Don't get me wrong, I don't get this "smash the cisgendered dwarf patriarchy" shit and "sexual identification as an -feather wood bucket-" stuff but they do seem to have a point about it being a danger and producing unnecessary medical costs.

Spoiler: Thikut Vaultgolds Biometric Records, 4th Malachite 8 (click to show/hide)

Doctor's Notes: Patient is drunk. This is apparently the natural state of being a dwarf, so I can conclude the test is normal.

[Scribbled underneath by Moobediah Jones] Normal my arse.

I’ve found this tree was about to give us bayberry flavoured water. For updated plumbing I suggest creating automatic flavouring systems so we can get bayberry flavoured water everywhere but the toilets. You know, that, combined with a slight quantity of yeast to aid fermentation, could replace the whole water supply and relegate water to the toilets.




In terms of fort economy, we’re on the up as usual but unemployment is on the way up. Particularly the miners.



I’ve asked the surface organic collection teams to scour more areas for fruit and plants. We’re not wasting this stuff, it’s useful.

Did I mention we ain't got no hospital and we ain't got no bank?

5th Malachite, 8



If you want to know how the troglodyte incident went, it didn’t happen. I issued a ban on collecting the garbage on that end of the cavern, which will only be lifted after it is safe.



Or, not. Actually another troglodyte ran into the wax worker, who chased it right into the militia.




Major kill there.



I have been busy with my plans for the last day, besides issuing a couple of orders. With the miners unemployed, I have asked for the PRIORITY ONE excavation of the major stairwells.



In other news, we have a masterwork magma-proof bookcase made from Mica! This will be good for my upcoming project on Phynyswallachija Avenue.

[Scribbled in]



OH SHIT.




Well, looks like the caverns are clean of troglodytes. Right? Right? Jesus Christ This Week™. I need to go to bed.

[Scribbled in]



What is this I don’t even.

Only thing worse would be another giant frog down here.





HAZMAT CREW TO UPPER CAVERNS. REPEAT. HAZMAT CREW TO UPPER CAVERNS.



The troll is finally finished off, and I go to get rested.

6th Malachite 8



At least the cave crocodile is on the other side of the caverns. In other news, puterking shat himself and jumped into the battle, so we have a God-awful mess around the north gate. The militia will return to Pepesgate. Also, to stop some useful sources of wood being destroyed, I have started to make saplings restricted areas for traffic. This fort may be seeing more environmental protection measures soon.

[ringringlingling]

I gotta say, this entire thread has been highly entertaining.

[CaptainArchmage]

Dude. Really. Entertaining? You haven't seen SHIT yet. I have one more week of HELL™® to go after this Friday and then I can finally finish my game in peas.

Yeah, peas. Man. Long live Harambe, the iPhone Jack, and Onionbread City Bank! Especially the Onionbread City Bank. It's got what Dorfs Crave. Read below for the SHOCKING details.

Moobediah Jones' Journal 8th Malachite, 8



INTRODUCING THE ONIONBREAD CITY BANK AND SANKIS CATTENBOMREK IMPERIAL HOSPITAL. These are the current, tentative plans for the hospital. Everyone should know what a hospital is. It provides a place for a dumbass who injured themselves, or an individual who was less competent in battle, to recover and obtain essential medical care.



Here's the bank. For health and safety reasons, we'll have to grab that cave crocodile by the cloaca before work begins. Cloaca. Heh, I'm all educated and shit. Trust me bruv. *hoooooooooork*



Plan for the bank, ground floor. The west side contains a water conduit for security, “laundry rooms”, and artefact vaults. The east side contains the room for extra bank shitcurity, the bank office, bathrooms, and a bedroom for the bank dwarfs. It also has a water main going through it. The bank dwarf is going to be the broker or someone else. The auxiliary crew are the laundry dwarfs and live on the first floor. To begin construction we will focus on the vaults; the water pipe is not accessible from the bank. Also shown are the main fortress staircases that go down below this cavern level.

We are again falling short on housing. I did the count. We have 45 citizens without homes, or 44 not including children, and said children will live with their parents for at least another ten years.



After doing some sexy calculations, I will be able to house the human population in the inn known as Elderstrumpets, and puterking can be moved to one of the unzoned houses on Oniobread Avenue, thus freeing up a house and moving puterking into much more classy housing with a working shitter he doesn’t have to share with eight other dwarves. Trust me, I recently pumped a big fat one in there and I only realised right after it wasn’t working.



Puterking's new house is up on priority for smoothing, after the Elderstrumpets rooms are smoothed up, and isn't backed right onto a jail either. I also put the furnishings on speed dial, so he'll get some deliveries within the next two weeks. Oh, and that's going on both of our expenses claims too.



In other news, I have put in work orders to correct the plumbing issue. I'm opening the dry plumbing for the cleaners and miners to connect it up. Conveniently, this link is just below the hospital plan.

Battle Report, 10th Malachite 8




Well in the end, "Senshuken" grabbed the cave crocodile by the cloaca. Time for a beer and some kaniwa seed roast.

11th Malachite, 8






Shit bruv. You know, a *few* people are now pointing about how the humans are dressed and talking about "integration".



And I'm just shitting here, wondering why nobody's giving a fuck about "integrating" toilet paper and soap into the bathrooms.



Or working plumbing. Seriously guys.


NO AIR VENTS BRUV. HOW ABOUT "INTEGRATING" THAT SHIT FOR STARTERS.

We're going to be building a paper mill and soap manufacturing will start now. That way I don't have to use this trombone to clean out my arse.



There also seems to be an apocalyptic buildup of vomit outside. Not sure if sun sickness or poor hygiene.



I'm going to sort out this piss-poor prioritisation, since other people's wardrobes or lack-thereof aren't really important unless health and safety is involved, or you want to out-pimp them. And nobody's going to out-pimp me.

12th Malachite, 8



In order to cutdown on unnecessary air guitar and beatboxing, we're going to make more musical instruments.