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[puterking]

Hey guys, sorry for being inactive as of late. I'll get a new post up soon. 

[StelarCF]

Hey guys, sorry for being inactive as of late. I'll get a new post up soon. 

Hey, glad you're back. Do you need an extension? Your turn would otherwise be up by Tuesday.

[puterking]

Hey guys, sorry for being inactive as of late. I'll get a new post up soon. 

Hey, glad you're back. Do you need an extension? Your turn would otherwise be up by Tuesday.

Yeah, I might need an extension.

[StelarCF]

Yeah, I might need an extension.

Alrighty then, would an extension of a week be enough for you to finish? That'd mean you'd have until the 4th of October to finish.

[CaptainArchmage]

Yeah, I might need an extension.

Alrighty then, would an extension of a week be enough for you to finish? That'd mean you'd have until the 4th of October to finish.

Just like to ask whether any screenshots can be produced. It's OK if not but screenshots and gifs are really helpful and help the Lets Play.

[puterking]

Yeah, I might need an extension.

Alrighty then, would an extension of a week be enough for you to finish? That'd mean you'd have until the 4th of October to finish.

Just like to ask whether any screenshots can be produced. It's OK if not but screenshots and gifs are really helpful and help the Lets Play.

I'd love to use screenshots, but they don't exactly work on here.

Yeah, I might need an extension.

Alrighty then, would an extension of a week be enough for you to finish? That'd mean you'd have until the 4th of October to finish.

That'll be good enough.

[puterking]

CHAPTER 3

21st Granite, 8, Early Spring

Some plumbing has been clogged as of late, a foul odor stemming from them. It looks as if a large number of dwarves, realizing they could now shit, did. Now the entire fortress smells like a beak dog den! ...Uhm, actually, *bowel gurgle* I have to go do something.... Oh and a mircocline coffin artifact was made by the mason that became possessed and by Melbil I have to go shit.

*During this time, President "Puterking" had been in one of the bathrooms of the fortress for over a week. Screaming and groaning was heard throughout the fortress. Eventually he came out, but it appears he was too weak to do much other than move his arms. He was confined to his room for the rest of his life. He could still rule, but only by orders sent out by several dwarves heading back and forth. These are the rest of his pages of his diary.*

27th Granite, 8, Early Spring

By all the gods of the world... that was monstrous. How long was I in there? A week? Melbil above...

Well, no crying over split milk, I suppose. Time to get back on track. Well, some of the coffins are finished being built. I designate them in the catacombs.

4th Slate, 8, Mid Spring

One of our craftsdwarves somehow ended up in the caverns below, trying to collect cobwebs. He ended up being assaulted by a giant cave toad! Maybe it wasn't a smart idea to open up access to the caverns after all...

Fortunately, the giant toad has been defeated. Not slain, of course, but he is unconscious for the time being. In other news, the engravers have nearly finished smoothing out The Sculpted Snacks. They have impressed me; a week ago when I checked in, it looked like they barely touched it. Now it's nearly done! Good work, Mafol and As!

I believe that, since I have been such a good president in just the past month, I deserve a bit of glory myself, yes? I now designate my own tomb for myself. It will be adorned with statues and engravings all across it, with my own coffin in the center of it. My final resting place will be within the fine  microcline artifact our mason had created many days ago.

I suppose it is time for, well, time to take the reins for now. I will wait.

11th Slate, 8, Mid Spring

As the digging out of my tomb nears completion, a giant cave toad has been terrorizing dwarves foolish enough to go into the caverns. I send in the Turqoise Orders to be rid of this dangerous rare pepe.

13th Slate, 8, Mid Spring

My tomb is now complete! I designate Luklisat Ngobol Amal, or Insightnotched the Glumness of Teaching, to be my final bed in which I shall rest forever more. Now it is time to smoothen it out, and once that is finished, place several statues, and it will finally be a tomb worthy of someone such as myself. I shall name it, "The Irontomb".

21st Slate, 8, Mid Spring

Another person has come to visit Onionbeard. Rulac Katsletmirding, a human axeman has come to spend some time here.

1st Felsite, 8, Late Spring

It is now Felsite! I have just ordered all the rocks within the president's quarters to be dumped. No place worthy of a president should have random stones laying about the place. The last month of spring has begun, and summer shall soon come. We will see what to make of it.

Alright, I'm hoping to get my turn finished by the beginning of October, or at least progress as far as I can. The Constipation Chronicles will continue, friends.

[CaptainArchmage]

The following entries are from the Journal of CaptainArchmage

28th Granite, 8

The last week there has been an absolutely horrific stench inside the fortress, so I spent most of my time inside my little apartment. On the seventh day of my self-imposed seclusion, I went up Urist Luther King Jr. Boulevard and found the new president, puterking, crawling out of one of those barfrooms. I have no comment on the state of things, but I think the look on my face and beard communicated everything the locals needed to know.


A realistic impression of CaptainArchmage's reaction.

Apparently puterking had been in there so long the residents were about to file a missing dwarf report. Fortunately, the situation has been rectified.

4th Slate, 8

So a giant frog ends up attacking a craftsdwarf in the caverns, and ends up being beaten unconscious by the said dwarf. That's how we roll at Onionbread! Now someone needs to sort out cavern shitcurity.

11th Slate, 8

Well the giant frog in the caverns is on the move again, so the Turqoise Orders are being sent down there to deal with it. The new president, hopefully recovered now, calls it a "rare Pepe". Can't wait until the engravings of this start being made.

15th Slate, 8

We had a new artefact microcline coffin made last month, and it is being installed in puterking's tomb, also known as "Irontomb". That is a truly brilliant a dwarvenly name. While microcline is effectively fake adamantine, our fortress continues to achieve!

In other news, I have high hopes that we can continue to dig down to the great magma ocean, and beyond. There-in lies our destiny.

[StelarCF]

Post-apocalyptic journal of General Cefist


23rd Granite
Dwarves... dwarves on the streets, shitting. A terrible disease. Only whispers are being exchanged... I KNEW this would happen if we did not build the Toilette... but we had no time.

No matter.

26th Granite
I've locked and barrickaded myself and the Purple Legion in the barracks, awaiting the zombie apocalypse to pass; for yes, this would be the prophecy of ends. I disbelieved it initially; a scribble on the wall, foreseeing that the living shall die and yet walk again, agonizing as their feces takes control of their mind... HORRIFYING I TELL YOU! I gave the order when I heard even our beloved president was stricken down by the horrifying disease. Our only hope is that our provisions shall allow us to live through this ordeal...

1st Slate
Our beer has run out... I fear we have to open the doors soon, or we shall all die of alcohol deprivation.

2nd Slate
We have opened the doors and witnessed a miracle... everyone was nearly fine, if frightened by the horror that had passed. Our president had not had the same luck however; the Plague apparently has paralyzed him, and he is now confined to his room.

I... I must make sure this does not happen again, pray Deler. After consulting ancient texts (Editor's note: A claim of dubious credibility; not only were there no texts at the time which could be considered "ancient", but the only candidate for the book we have found in our library network - which, as we know, lacks no book since the inception of the world - was written by Cefist, immediately AFTER this entry; it's noteworthy that the book might be a fake. It might be that "ancient" here actually refers to "pregenerational", that is, that the book was created before the world's creation, but it is unlikely Cefist would make such a confusion - it's not like the terms could have changed meaning in the intervening 1000 years) I have come to the conclusion that we shall face a real apocalypse, and this time Deler will not be able to save us; furthermore, this apocalypse shall occur on 10.10.10 - the 10th of Moonstone, of the 10th year, and that that shall be the day the Stones of the Moon shall take over. I must save us all..

10th Slate - 27th Slate
These pages are filled with incoherent, hasty handwriting and sketches depicting various mechanisms. Due to the intricacies of the ancient dwarven language, it has been incredibly hard to decipher the meaning contained within the notes, but of the words that have been deciphered (too few to form coherent sentences) we have been able to construct a frequency list, excluding connectors, with the following words and sequences at the top:
"solid evacuations" - 534 times
"toilette/Toilette" - 421 times - one time scribbled in a very intricate manner, presumably when Cefist was in his right mind
"clearance tubes" - 401 times
"water carried" -  374 times
"magma cleansers" - 323 times - often found within 5 words of the next word in the list
"SACRIFICE" - 292 times - almost always in groups of 3; when not, written in what appears to be dwarven blood, presumably Cefist's - most notably towards the end, when (analysts and historians assume) Cefist ran out of ink
"self-closing" - 236 times
"mass-dumping" - 195 times
"magma-safe" - 106 times
"as obviously, <word unreadable - same every time> are not magma-safe" - 85 times
"dead" - 61 times
"zombie apocalypse" - 52 times
"10/10/10" - 47 times
various numbers representing dates - 38 times
"gaseous evacuations" - 23 times

2nd Felsite

Of this first diary, this is the final page; in fact, the date is crammed at the bottom, written in what appears to be apple jam, or whatever is left of it. The date is visible on the other page. Uristus' history recollects that around this point Cefist entered a fey mood, taking up the manager's office 24/7, screaming for paper and ink, toiling as soon as he received any until he ran out of them, screaming for ever more.

OOC: I expect paper and ink please.

[Fleeting Frames]

Here you go

[puterking]

CHAPTER 4

2nd Felsite, 8, Late Spring

The second day of Felsite has begun. My legs are still stiff and numb, and I am unable to move the poor things. I'd rather not speak of my buttocks... I am paralyzed the waist down, confined to the mayor's quarters. I just wonder where I will go when my term is up.

I have ordered the expansion of the catacombs, for there are not nearly enough rooms to bury all the poor bearded bastards here in Onionbeard.

As well, some more migrants have arrived. Twenty-two of them, to be exact, quite possibly the biggest migrant wave we've had so far. Bah, more fodder for the soldiers. On the bright(?) side, we have 100+ dwarves residing in Onionbeard! Good thing about that is it will increase the grandeur of this fort, but on the other hand, well, the gods do not like many dwarves in one place, and could possibly slow the fortunes of time due to it...

8th Felsite, 8, Late Spring

Some folk by the name of Mistir Presentrang wants to live in Onionbeard for the purpose of "entertaining citizens". Well, what could go wrong? I accept his request.

11th Felsite, 8, Late Spring

There are still idiots going down into the caverns, trying to gather up webs. One of them had just been attacked by a giant bat. Won't they ever learn? And some bull had also been stung by a bee. Very noteworthy news, that was.

26th Felsite, 8, Late Spring

A dwarf bestowed a name upon a steel buckler, "Atul Duz, The Ford of Smearing". Neat!

1st Hematite, 8, Early Summer

It is now the first month of summer. Truly a fine season for many possibilites. I wonder if the human caravan will come by for a visit? Maybe, possibly.

Overall, nothing much has really happened in this past month. But there will always be the possibility of dangerous weretoads or wereshits. Always keep a lookout for wereshits...

[StelarCF]

Uristus' History of Anonim - Onionbread

The Year of Puterking
Month of Hematite
...it is worth returning to the issue of the first president of the fortress, Cefist. As you may recall, by the beginning of the first month he had entered the dreaded fey mood - the once-in-a-lifetime event which changes the dwarf forever. His mind was set and he would stop for nothing to achieve his goals... goals he yet kept in secrecy. For a while, he managed to get more ink and paper from other dwarves, frightened by the rate at which these items were consumed to produce whatever monstrosity would result, or by looting nearby offices, or by sneaking in orders for express, emergency production orders for paper and ink. But this would not be enough... the paper shortage eventually grew almost as fast as the book being written by Cefist. It is at the beginning of the month that Cefist, having ran out of paper for the last 3 days, broke into the President's quarters and demanded that the fortress produce more paper and ink, import it if they must, make it of leaves or make it from elven skin and elven eyes if they must (or prefferably). It is worth noting that by now Puterking had not been aware of the events revolving around Cefist - he had been aware of the Toilette project, that is to be sure, but the fey mood itself was a total surprise. In fact, his own personal diary, in an entry just hours before Cefist's intervention, notes: "Overall, nothing much has really happened in this past month.". Puterking...

[Fleeting Frames]

Well now, that is unexpected. I wonder....

I wonder if it depicts the naming of Atul Duz by dwarf. The dwarf is raising the Atul Duz. The dwarves are shitting.

[CaptainArchmage]

Journal of CaptainArchmage

1st Hematite, 8

I don't know what people have been doing around this fort but they clearly haven't been paying attention to the paper shortage, or the state of the barf-rooms. We need more paper. Now it is summer, we can finally get some pig tails planted to make paper, and that will be the end of this pile of giant elephant shit.

In other news, could someone put me down for a new turn please?

[puterking]

CHAPTER 5

2nd Hematite, 8, Early Summer

Bloody fools!

Just last night, while I was finishing up the last pages of my previous chapter of this diary, one of the dwarves came up to the president's quarters. At first I thought he was one of the many dwarves that kept complaining about the terrible smell haunting Onionbeard, but then he went and had the audacity to order me around! Just who did he think he was? And apparently, he was also one of the previous presidents: the first, to be exact.

Apparently he wanted paper for... something or another. I told him he could go esh komvu himself, and to get the circus out of my office. When he would not leave when I ordered him to, I called in the guards. He was apprehended. I would not have them beat him, but I warned him if he tried to do this again, he'd get a proper whipping.

Even though, I do believe we need paper. The poor saps around here have nothing to clean themselves with, and some have resorted to using old leaves and elf-skin rags (note: we need to harvest more elf-skin. A proper clothing industry always needs more skins, and what better than the elves?). But in any case, let the summer begin!

5th Hematite, 8, Early Summer

As one of the starting projects of the summer, I have decreed the digging of a presidential suite, a place where the presidents of Onionbeard may stay to relax, unwind, and laugh at funny engravings on the wall. There will be a pool at the entrance hall, as well as many other things, examples including a private library, some fancy statues, and cute, hairy dwarfettes.

6th Hematite, 8, Early Summer

I have decided that Booze Boulevard, the street planned by the good CaptainArchmage, should be opened (or, rather, dug out) soon after the suite is finished being dug out. I don't seem to recall it's purpose, but judging by it's time, it's got something to do with alcohol. I'm down for alcohol.

7th Hematite 8, Early Summer

Oh dear... it appears a troll has gone loose in the fortress... Tsk tsk tsk. Turqoise, this is a job for you.

10th Hematite, 8, Early Summer

For a while now an idea has dwelled in my head. I have envisioned a great hall, lined with pillars rising high to the ceiling. Massive, massive it is. I keep wondering if this idea could be shaped into something great, or will simply just be tossed under the table. I may have to consult the others about this.

12th Hematite, 8, Early Summer

Ah, the human caravan has arrived. Hopefully they have some paper so I can shut up that Cefist fellow.

13th Hematite, 8, Early Summer

"Interrupted by a kea." I hate those damn things. Their wide, slit-pupiled eyes, staring greedily at your life's work, always waiting, always watching for the perfect opportunity to snatch it out of your hands. I trust in Melbil's plan, but allowing these green-feathered bastards to live on the earth hinders the progress of all good life.

16th Hematite, 8, Early Summer

It's taken the dwarves nearly a week to haul just two gem bins to the trade depot. Nearly a week! The poor blokes at the depot must be tired out of their minds waiting for these slowpokes to haul arse!

Well, ultimately it seems it matters little. We traded our gems in exchange for some cheese, leather, barrels of wine and milk, glass, and some... parchment sheets? Are those paper? I'm... I'm not sure. They might be.

?, 8, ?

*This page is found seperate from the main diary, a single piece of paper, although it is undoubtedly torn from the main diary itself. There is no dates on it, besides 8, the year it was writen.*

My dreams continue to bother me. Or are they comforting me? I cannot say. In these dreams I keep seeing Onionbread at it's most glorious, where the farms are filled with all manner of lush fruits, and the food stockpiles near bursting with meats, spices, and fruits. Where joy and laughter are heard throughout the fortress, and the bowels of all dwarves functional and not clogged. And of course, the burning corpses of elves impaled on wooden swords.

But in this joy, I feel dread. And that dread grows as I watch the happy citizens of the fortress. Do they not know? Do they not know the will of the gods, and the arch-god, Armok? Their happiness and joy are not eternal, for their destruction will eventually come.

And then that dread pierces through my heart like a blazing knife. A foul evil, more ancient than the stars stirs from below, and suddenly the joy so present is burned away in black flame as evil, demonic screams drown out the laughter. And then the fortress goes cold. Empty. Silent. As if no creature ever stirred here. Is this a prophecy? A warning? Do these dreams have any meaning, or are they just the result of old, dried shits plaguing my life for the past month? I cannot say. Only time will tell if these dreams are true or false.