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[Haymaker]

So, with advent of climbing in the current version I had one retardation in form of marksmen.

I built nice 3o z high walls with a lip (figured that by myself all thanks to a thief!), carved out some fortifications for marksdwarves, even had a bridge like thing on +1 from the ground where my military stands offsiege (they go inside walls when siege happens)

Now, I did roof up the entrance side fortifications, but had few hatches and staircases so I could keep expanding upwards.
That is what costed 80% of my marksmen in the first siege as they figured shooting from safe spot wasn't good enough. Nope. They climbed ontop of the walls, accessing the hatched stairs and then promptly jumped down, injuring their legs and/or knocking themselves out. I think they were trying to safely land on the bridge or dodged the wrong way ontop the walls.

Long story short, now the battlements are 7 zeds high with two zeds with fortifications for extra dakka layer. So far I only have had few occassional marksdwarf (and a sock grabbing infantry) that gleefully charged to the open arms of countless goblins.


Annd another smaller example. I had a werelama encounter, the werellama decided to dive into a murky pool that had a channel leading to my courtyard well (had a fortification acting as a grate), near it it figured to turn back and try from the land. That was not the retard thing. It was my military who had sighted the lama and so they promptly charged into the water to battle with the werecreature

Don't know about you guys, but werecreatures seem to have the upper hand in water fights.. RIP recruit squad

[StarWars1981]

Not quite sure what's going on, some bug of some kind, I believe. Also if you know, I'd love a workaround.
So my dwarves have been ordered to "k"ill a Goblin bowman who's jumped some walls into the animal pen. Not an issue, they're like Master shield users and whatnot, and there's 28 of them. And one goblin. But they've gotten there, and they're ignoring him, except to prove just how good they are at dodging his ineffectual crossbow-bashes. They're all armed, all on the kill order, and even putting them on "Move" and "Nothing" didn't work. I even took them off the training alert while trying to get them to kill him. They just WON'T DO IT... I don't know why.
So, other than training Legendary dodging (I think - though they may not even get THAT little bonus), they're accomplishing NOTHING.
Idiot dwarves. So yeah, dumb things they do. Well, this is 28 Dwarves, dodging a single Goblin but refusing to kill him.
Taunting? Hmm... I didn't know they'd mock yet. Is that coded in?

[Henry47]

Not quite sure what's going on, some bug of some kind, I believe. Also if you know, I'd love a workaround.
So my dwarves have been ordered to "k"ill a Goblin bowman who's jumped some walls into the animal pen. Not an issue, they're like Master shield users and whatnot, and there's 28 of them. And one goblin. But they've gotten there, and they're ignoring him, except to prove just how good they are at dodging his ineffectual crossbow-bashes. They're all armed, all on the kill order, and even putting them on "Move" and "Nothing" didn't work. I even took them off the training alert while trying to get them to kill him. They just WON'T DO IT... I don't know why.
So, other than training Legendary dodging (I think - though they may not even get THAT little bonus), they're accomplishing NOTHING.
Idiot dwarves. So yeah, dumb things they do. Well, this is 28 Dwarves, dodging a single Goblin but refusing to kill him.
Taunting? Hmm... I didn't know they'd mock yet. Is that coded in?

You said there master shield users, you're made sure they have actual combat skills as well?
If your dwarves do have actual weapon skills though, then yes, their idiots.

[StarWars1981]

They have excellent weapons skills. It's just the shield and dodging that's relevant to what they're DOING. I've saved and am reloading it; I think that fixed the bug before, but I can't remember when/where exactly I ran into it before. But if this doesn't work, I need a workaround that doesn't involve flooding my livestock pen with MAGMA!!!!

[Ertosi]

I have had my non Miltarist Dorfs decide they must absolutely cave in the head of that WereDingo.
Hilarious thing was, they killed it, their weapon? Logs, just Logs because I had a lot of them filling my Woodburner stockpile up...
Only 1 was bitten as well, but he was disabled in the great Logging of the WereDingo, and stayed disabled when he transformed, how? Dehydration, my Dorfs went nah we are not giving him booze or water while he lays on the floor with no legs, these logs must be put into the stockpile!

This one cracked me up and reminded me of one of my dorfs,  Gimpy. Gimpy was one of my best Marks dwarves who earned his name when he decided the best way to attack the invading gobbos was not to shoot them from the safety of the fortification-topped tower but rather to take the fight to them and jump down into the dry moat after them. He never walked right again.

Later a large flock of ravens came and wouldn't leave so I asked my Marksdwarves to take them down. Only Gimpy's slow self answered the call, hobbling his way across the map. I check on him some time later, wondering why those damn ravens were still alive... he is still my best shot despite the limp. Has he been shooting them?  No,  the battle log just shows Gimpy throwing his crutches up at them, over and over.

[Pirate Santa]

Annd another smaller example. I had a werelama encounter, the werellama decided to dive into a murky pool that had a channel leading to my courtyard well (had a fortification acting as a grate), near it it figured to turn back and try from the land. That was not the retard thing. It was my military who had sighted the lama and so they promptly charged into the water to battle with the werecreature

Don't know about you guys, but werecreatures seem to have the upper hand in water fights.. RIP recruit squad

I had a werelizard once try that (after chasing around a duck for a while). Problem was it spent so long chasing the duck (which it didn't even catch) that it only made it halfway through the pipe before turning back into a human and drowning in my well pipeline. 

[Henry47]

My hunter nodded off in the booze stockpile. This would not have been a problem, except for my fort vampire deciding to drain him just when i had given her a one-way ticket to high-velocity mine-cart impact town.

[S.K. Ren]

My dwarfs completely ignore the giant Booze/food stockpile and go out of their way to eat from the tiny stockpile in my immigrant quarantine zone.

[PatrikLundell]

If the immigrant stockpile contains raw food or booze they they like, it's actually expected (and sort of desirable) behavior, at least if the desired food isn't present in the main stockpile. It's also the case that dorfs select stockpile to get "don't care" stuff from based on proximity of the dorf at the time of decision to satisfy the hunger/thirst (as the dwarf digs, I think), so it might actually be a case of an overseer who hasn't laid out the fortress "correctly".
You can solve the food issue by shipping meals to the quarantine zone, as dorfs are currently incapable of seeking out meals with desired ingredients.

[dkcl]

Meanwhile, while this was going on, somehow a horse died.  I don't even remember embarking with one.

It was a pack animal for your wagon.

Somehow, the horse died in the meeting hall.

Animals not assigned to any particular pasture will hang around any meeting area. Make sure you assign grazing animals to a pasture outside.

[azrael4h]

Not quite sure what's going on, some bug of some kind, I believe. Also if you know, I'd love a workaround.
So my dwarves have been ordered to "k"ill a Goblin bowman who's jumped some walls into the animal pen. Not an issue, they're like Master shield users and whatnot, and there's 28 of them. And one goblin. But they've gotten there, and they're ignoring him, except to prove just how good they are at dodging his ineffectual crossbow-bashes. They're all armed, all on the kill order, and even putting them on "Move" and "Nothing" didn't work. I even took them off the training alert while trying to get them to kill him. They just WON'T DO IT... I don't know why.
So, other than training Legendary dodging (I think - though they may not even get THAT little bonus), they're accomplishing NOTHING.
Idiot dwarves. So yeah, dumb things they do. Well, this is 28 Dwarves, dodging a single Goblin but refusing to kill him.
Taunting? Hmm... I didn't know they'd mock yet. Is that coded in?

You said there master shield users, you're made sure they have actual combat skills as well?
If your dwarves do have actual weapon skills though, then yes, their idiots.

Even with just shields, they should attack. I just had a werepossum get his skull bashed in by a recruit with an iron shield. The werepossum bit him in the hand, mangling it and causing the recruit to turn into Captain Urist and just beat the stuffing out of the werepossum with his shield. Too bad he ended up occupying a wing of my hospital instead, walled in with the other bit recruit. They were building a tower and so were caught by surprise.

The funny part was that the werepossum was actually a militia commander from a prior fort of mine in that world. I'd left it after an armless, legless fireman killed half the population and the rest were tantruming. The werepossum was quarantined, but still managed to leave and come for a visit.

[Eric Blank]

I had a squad of marks dwarves trading shots with an orc squad across a river back in the day. The dwarves were all terrible shots, the orcs not so much, so the dwarves were taking more injuries. Civilians ran out to rescue them and nab equipment from the dead. More casualties. It just kept piling up because the dwarves kept running out into the field and the orcs weren't running out of ammo fast enough. And then when they did run out of ammo and the fighting stopped they just stood there making angry faces and scared the civies, who kept running back and forth cancelling their jobs. More dorfs died in their beds because dwarves didn't routinely bring food and water to the injured back then. It was loads of fun. Dumbasses...

[Derro]

I had a dwarf go outside and immediately fall down heavily wounded due to evil rain. Before I noticed what was going on, another walked outside, followed by another, and another, and another... I only managed to forbid everything then. My upper fortress got very close to dying that day...

[mamborambo]

My civilians once killed a dragon by stuffing it into a well. Propably not the funniest thing mechanics wise but I think its amusing as a story

[KingGorm]

My fortress enterance was near the top of a waterfall, and right before the drop it got rather shallow, ( depths of 2-4) so a bunch (mostly hunters) thought it would be a good idea to swim across, it wasn't. damn waterfall killed more dwarfs then when the then military-less fort was attacked by a thunder bird