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[Tawa]

Elf Monsters: Vietnamese Crystal Edition

Elf Monsters: Vietnamese Crystal Edition is a game published by Vietnamese pirates in the 2000s. It's a Vietnamese bootleg version of the Chinese bootleg of the Japanese Pokémon Crystal Edition. It was translated from Japanese to Chinese to (possibly) Vietnamese to English and the translation is a) hilariously bad and b) the main draw over the original, comprehensible Crystal.

Several characters are accidentally rewritten. The main character's mom talks like a drunk person and makes references to things left in Chinese. The rival is a lunatic who makes ridiculous speeches that sound like things Garland in Final Fantasy I would say and randomly declares his love for the player. Professors Oak and Elm say goodbye by "requesting" the main character. Roadside trainers tend to either proposition the player character or offer vague philosophical advice, then make Lovecraftian screams upon defeat.

Items and moves are all totally mistranslated. 11 different items are called "POLE" and only one of them is a pole. The Super Rod is called the "BAD ROD" and one of the TMs claims to use a remote-controlled airplane to attack the enemy. The earthquake-summoning move Magnitude becomes "ANGER".

It's a trainwreck.

Spoiler: The First Gathers - Elf Grandfather (click to show/hide)

(sorry these are kinda fuzzy, I forgot to tell imagemagick to not interpolate them :v)

Although I'm tempted to make Invader Zim references, I choose "boy".

Lord of the Pokémon: The Third Age

Consider this a warning.

"WELCOME! EVERYONE CALL ME ELF MONSTER"

In this strange universe, Pokémon are "elfs" or "monsters" (presumably, the developers didn't like elves very much) and Trainers are "coaches", honing their teams of elves to fine perfection.

I will be... BATMN.


Never met him.


(Possible translation: "The Siamese twin Dr. Wu is looking for you, and he wants you, if you know what I mean.")



Batmn, unfortunately, can't send his Elf Gear out to be a coach for him. He'll have to do it himself :c

Batmn's mom takes a level in M. Bison.


Did I mention that the game repeatedly totally fails to translate words? We haven't even left our house yet and the tutorial is broken.

Batmn's mom returns to her "herbal" tea with her friend.

Obligatory.

Let's leave.

Dammit.





Maybe we're in Not!Mexico?


Ah, here's the place. Who's that guy?



Holy shit, that was like fifteen feet!







Surprisingly coher--

WHAT.



They're looking for us, guys





just you and me

breeding



The fire type is always easy mode and I don't want to take too long, so here we are.


I don't know why I named him Lenin, either, but here we are.


forth·right
ˈfôrTHˌrīt/
adjective
1.
(of a person or their manner or speech) direct and outspoken; straightforward and honest.
2.
archaic
proceeding directly forward.

This isn't the last time this happens, either.




Every item pickup in the game is like this. "Put in" is Chinese slang for "fuck", so we have... this monstrosity.


Oh god, we're a drug dealer now ;-;

NOW we can leave and get our Elf adventure on.

No telling me I can't go in the tall grass now!

OUD CRAP, AN OUD

(Intended translation: "Go, [Elf]!")

I think S-pin is Tail Whip and Prize is, uh, Slash?

Eyes on the prize, Lenin!

Batmn takes a level in Yoda.

A wild area on top of one's thighs when sitting appeared!

But it has falled to our might.

JYCITY. All the cities in the game are written like that, too.



And now we will learn from this wizened old guru.




Sketchy.

Really sketchy.





You suck at tutorials wizened old guru.


Random NPCs in this game are a goldmine of bizarreness. Typically, you have
a) guys like this dude who make obviously contradictory statements
b) guys who say things so nonsensical they sound philosophical
and
c) guys who say things that have absolutely no relation to the original dialogue
So expect to see plenty of random NPC dialogue.


Like so.

That's not how antidotes work guys

Bike parts? Legs? You guys have weird wildlife around here.

This never gets old.



Hey, Dr. Wusiji said the discovery was "spread around"!

Did this old loon make a major scientific discovery into an omelette or something? >:|

What is wrong with people around here

You are Dr. Oujide!


Breeding grasped monsters? "Requesting" teenaged boys? What's with all the depravity around here? D:




Apparently sharing ideologies makes people identical.





I am the disciple of the Spiry Technique, the inheritor of the Notebook

Wusiji offers a cryptic phone call and tells me to come back.

On the way back to town, Batmn encounters some guys "playing up" their hits. D:

Batmn tries to go back home, but is blocked by a red-haired youth...

WARNING: INCOMING HAM

OUR FIRST REAL FIGHT
You could listen to the music made for the scene
BUT I RECOMMEND DRAMATIC MUSIC FOR THIS MOST DRAMATIC OF CONFRONTATIONS



Lenin sees the perfect opportunity and finishes his move by hitting the enemy with a key, doubling the damage!

That sounds like some kind of dragon shout.
Wait...

OH ALDUIN, THIS IS THE DRAGONBORN WE'RE FACING

A really wimpy Dragonborn.


Goddammit, he still won!

admits his own faults; this tragic antivillain wants to reform, b--

oh

And this is from whence I take my personal text.

NEXT TIME: WE NAME THE MONSTER COACH

Spoiler: Titles accidentally bestowed upon us by the botched translation (click to show/hide)

Mr. Batmn
First of Baiming Tower
Wbkuji, the successor of Elf
Independent Coach

Spoiler: Trainer Classes (click to show/hide)

Youngster/Hex Maniac: JMLITE
Bug Catcher: ROCKET
Monk: TRIBE
Bird Trainer: Y
Picnicker: GITAR
Camper: MAN
Fisherman: ?
Hiker: FISH
Fire Breather: ??

[BFEL]

Lets Plays of this made me play pokemon again 14 years after I kicked the addiction.
GG

[Tawa]

So, do we have any name suggestions for ?

[Elephant Parade]

How about ELF, just for the extra confusion it would cause?

[shoulderboulder]

this is byoutiful,grommet and swood
this made me laugh so hard

[vishdafish]

This is ridiculously funny even though I don't understand half of it   

[MonkeyHead]

BATMAN        DRUG
BAG              FUCK

Posting to watch so hard.

[Emma]

How about ELF, just for the extra confusion it would cause?

+1

Just wondering, could you put the images in a spoiler? It's a lot to scroll through to reach the bottom.

[Teneb]

Is MONSTER too many letters? If so, just cut vowels until it fits.

Anyway, it seems you are well on your path to find Santa Claus, the Elf Grandfather. And peddle drugs on the way.

[A Thing]

Since these are Elves, why not Tawarochir? 

[Tawa]

How about ELF, just for the extra confusion it would cause?

+1

Just wondering, could you put the images in a spoiler? It's a lot to scroll through to reach the bottom.

THE IDEA IS GOOD! TAKE CARE
I UPLAODED A SERIES OF PHOTOS, THE PLOT WILL BE REDUCED, SO AS NOT TO KILL MY BANDWIDTH.

Spoiler: The Second Gathers - ???? (click to show/hide)

The locals make just as much sense as ever.

Now I realize that Caocun isn't a place. They managed to mistranslate "tall grass" as Caocun. I don't even know.




Man, he is a badass.

You may have noticed I shortened my name to "Batmn" earlier. That's because this game keeps the five-character name limit from the Japanese version--Nintendo of America always extends the space for the main character's name, because in the Japanese version it's only five or six characters; the pirates either didn't realize this need or didn't have the tools to change it. This is also why a lot of recent Nintendo games that let you give other players a greeting or motto usually have a really short one--the Japanese one gives you enough space for a paragraph, but the English one is so short you have to do something like "Hello there!" or "How's it going?"

But anyway.





Ohhhhhh yes

Oh. I thought it was a tree egg.

Man, he got his own name wrong. Since Oujide and Wusiji are the same researcher.


("Diathesis" means "susceptibility to". Strange way to put it, but technically a valid translation, I suppose.)

Note the overflowed "Y" and comma. Sometimes the translators overestimate the text box's ability to handle dialogue and extra letters get jammed onto the sides.




I want to come up with something wittier than a joke about gay sex but this translation practically forces them on me.

On my way home, I stop at Wusiji's house.

HOW EXHILARATING


Wusiji seems to be studying philosophy on his computer. Maybe a second doctorate?


MY NAME IS DR. WUSIJI! YOU STOLE MY ELF MONSTER! PREPARE TO RESEARCH!
(Or, as Google Translate puts it: "My name is Dr. Wusijie! You stole my crystal beast! Prepare to be searched!")




Batmn decides to share money with his mom. He'll be her lifeline for her "herbal tea" habit.


Unfortunately, she thinks they're just a bunch of tryhards. We'll prove our might to her!

Batmn begins his Elf Monster Adventure, but moments after leaving his town a guy shows up and starts yelling at him.


He tries to instruct Batmn on throwing Hugeballs to grasp monsters, but Batmn knows how to do this. He still offers cryptic advice on rotating percussion instruments.

That's no camel!

Batmn's teacher has finally tracked him down, with orders to finish his school report! (This is actually the guy who tells you to save the game.)



Apparently, this nefarious fellow enjoys drowning CAMLs at the hospital when he loses fights.

You may know this kid as "Youngster Joey".

But to us, he is JMLITE'SWLA.

This CAML is not in the top percentage of CAML.

Also level-up for Lenin.

Apparently WLA drinks paint when he loses. Don't do that, WLA!

Batmn offers his phone number to try to discourage WLA from his paint-drinking habit.

But WLA knocks down the fourth wall.

Meanwhile this kid needs glasses badly.

And he doesn't even have a coherent name!
(I didn't manage a screenshot, but after defeat he shouted something like "XXXXX !! !!!!!!!ZW!".)


Some time later, we meet...

Rouy.

Rouy here is apparently stealing from Batmn's mom's stash.

So we take care of this pest.

And scream.

He catches a capture! How does he do it?

Now that we've rouyted the enemy, what should we name it?

[birdy51]

Stalin shall be it's name. Walls, and ensuring that no one can escape the great communist society is his game!

[A Thing]

In remembrance of its homeland, Caocun.

[Teneb]

Stalin shall be it's name. Walls, and ensuring that no one can escape the great communist society is his game!

Name all pokemons ELFs you intend to use after Soviet leaders.

[Emma]

Stalin shall be it's name. Walls, and ensuring that no one can escape the great communist society is his game!

Name all pokemons ELFs you intend to use after Soviet leaders.

Do it, you know you want to.