+10 today. I think I'll take a break tomorrow, my knees kinda hurt.
Odometer: 220 miles
I mentioned this before in (more than) one of my Sad Thread Posts, but I think my biggest hurdle isn't one of physical effort, but rather one of visualization. I can't visualize or imagine what it's like to be in a better position in life, I've never been really physically fit, or even mentally or emotional fit if that's a thing. I've never been in a relationship, so I have no clue what that's like, and I can't picture it being a 'real' thing that can happen, it feels entirely fictitious. I feel that if I want to make a drastic change in my life, I have to push myself very hard, much harder than what I'm sure many would consider healthy or necessary.
I'm not sure if I've shared this story before, but it was a couple years ago when I was feeling particularly motivated to 'go out' and meet someone. There was a concert in town nearby, so I thought it was perfect. I went to the concert, but I still felt so much like I didn't belong, I wound up not talking to anyone. I was so angry at myself, it seemed like such a perfect opportunity wasted. I felt I had to do something drastic, to push myself very hard, to shock myself out of my social anxiety. I started walking and walking and walking, through town, into the next town, and then into farm fields. The sun set, and it was completely dark out on those back roads, but I felt completely alright, I normally would have been scared, but I was too angry to be scared. It started raining shortly thereafter, and it was a colossal rain storm, and I was walking through mud and puddles, I was completely drenched. Still, I felt I *had* to keep going, no matter what. Eventually, I made a huge circle around, and wound up back in town, and slowly through the hard wind I made my way back to my car, still parked near where the concert was. Getting back into my car, I had to take off my shoes first, cause my feet were bleeding and blistered from the trek. I felt accomplished, however dumb the accomplishment was, but it still didn't change anything in my life, I was still a socially anxious loser, just now with bleeding and blistered feet.
Maybe it was simply too naive to think that a single large 'shock' was enough to get me out of my sad lifestyle, but that's what makes me so anxious about this blog. I'd like to give myself a tangible record of accomplishment, and one that holds me accountable for my actions with a clearly set goal, but I'm also worried that I may jinx myself again, by thinking about it too much. By 'again', I mean I had one of these weight loss threads before, but I quietly abandoned it years ago, though I can't remember the reason why, perhaps my raison d'etre was simply too weak at the time so I ran out of motivation, or something happened that discouraged me, it could have been either. I just feel I'm setting out into dark and unexplored territory in my life again, and I don't want to turn back, and I feel I'm going to need to resort to increasingly drastic measures in order to avoid turning back.