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[Insanegame27]

To declutter the 'sad' and 'terrified' threads, I am starting one for relationship-based troubles.
A few fules: Be nice, and no quoting if someone says so
I'll start (Spoilered for size)

Spoiler: Insane's girl troubles (click to show/hide)

Long story short, I do not know what to feel like anymore. [My female friend] asked my friendgroup if anyone would like to go see a movie with her. I know that it’s not a date, but I said I would ask my parents if I could go. [Said friend] said at the bus stop today that she could only go if someone else went with her (‘cuz her dad said so), implying that nobody else had said they would be able. I just… I’m probably not making much sense but earlier I just don’t know how to explain it and that hurts!
I guess part of me wants this to be an actual date, yet the logical part is scared that if I behave like I normally do she won’t like it and if I behave differently she’ll think that I think it’s more than just seeing a movie with a friend.
I just… do not know. I don’t want [said friend] to hate me but I don’t want to feel like… I just don’t know… Like I’m missing something? It should just be seeing a movie with a friend, but I don’t know if she wants it to be more than that. Or I do know she doesn’t but I think I do. Again, I DO NOT KNOW ANYMORE! I am on the verge of a mental breakdown because I don’t want to lose her friendship and I do want it to be more than just friends.


A certain amount of time ago, I swore to myself that I would not make any advances to her, but would accept hers if she did. I don't know what this is!


Teenage hormones are terrible.


The movie’s on Saturday at 6. 00. I ended up asking her how to tell her if I ended up coming or not (in the form of asking her phone number and she said she didn’t know it herself.) She told me to email her if I was able to go and we’d work it out from there.


I’ll try putting events chronologically, from yesterday to the future: Saturday.
Wednesday: [Said friend] asks my whole group of friends including me if any of us want to go watch the new Captain America movie with her. Everyone else said no they couldn’t, and I said I’d have to ask.
When I got home, I asked my Aunty if she would be in town on Saturday, no such luck. However my parents are back today and I doubt they’ll refuse after they went on holiday without me (granted staying behind was my idea)
Here’s where it gets hypothetical. Assuming I am able to go, I email [friend] and tell her I’m able to go. What do I do? Do I ask where she’d like to meet? Do I say where I can meet her? Do we end up just meeting each other at the cinema?
No matter which way of meeting up happens, actually meeting will be awkward. Also, do I offer to pay for her ticket? If I do will she take it as an advance and get creeped out? If I don’t will she think I’m not decent? Then we get to the movie itself. Sitting next to her… How am I meant to sit through a movie with someone who knows I like them, yet I’ve sworn to make no advance towards?
All I want to do is go watch the damn movie… with her…


Last time I had feelings as complicated as this, was while she was away after the excursion. The friendzoning was ultimately easier to stomach without feeling like I’m being taunted. To borrow a simile, I feel like a kitten whose owner is dangling a ball of string just out of reach, then dipping the ball of string in and out of reach without anyway to know which is what or when or why.


On an even more hypothetical side of things, what if it is an advance on her behalf? I don’t even know. I don’t even know if she knows. On yet another level of hypotheticalness, I don’t know how to behave if we come out of the movie as a you-know-the-words-that-I-don’t-want-to-type? How should I behave? I doubt the way her and I acted towards each other prior to this could be maintained.
Even further on the hypothetical scale, how the hell do I act as a more-than-a-friend?

That was prepared on the bus as an email to another friend who knows a lot about me (including my selfmade pledge) so I edited it on-the-fly. More current information: My parents said that yes I could go. So that's that.


I NEED HALP

[Orange Wizard]

Here’s where it gets hypothetical. Assuming I am able to go, I email [friend] and tell her I’m able to go. What do I do? Do I ask where she’d like to meet? Do I say where I can meet her? Do we end up just meeting each other at the cinema?

Ask here where to meet and give a suggestion - "where shall we meet? just at the cinema?"

No matter which way of meeting up happens, actually meeting will be awkward.

Only if you make it awkward.

Also, do I offer to pay for her ticket? If I do will she take it as an advance and get creeped out? If I don’t will she think I’m not decent?

If she gets offended by you offering to pay for the ticket then that's her fault, not yours

Sitting next to her… How am I meant to sit through a movie with someone who knows I like them, yet I’ve sworn to make no advance towards?

Presumably by watching the movie and not making any advance towards them

All I want to do is go watch the damn movie… with her…

Then do that

Stop overthinking things

[NRDL]

[Generic, unwanted advice]: "Don't care too much, it's no big deal", "The outcome isn't important, it ain't the end of the world", "Just focus on putting your best foot forward, don't worry too much about the other person's expectations", "You'll see how unimportant all your worries and fears are once you actually do this", "STOP OVERTHINKING AND JUST *Insert Shia Labeouf Meme here*"

Yeah, uncertainties in the dance of romance suck.  The above nuggets of crap are in my opinion completely valid and I hope you get some use out of them, but your main problem seems to be just nerves.  Now, as for actual, concrete advice...

1. Trust the other person.  If they're you're friend, and you're a good judge of character, they're in all probability not gonna overreact or be mean about any sort of advances you make, and that's if they're unwanted advances. 

2. Talk yourself up.  Just nothing but positive mental vibes, about anything and everything you're afraid of.  Like an internal soundtrack of "I can do this", "It's gonna be fine", "It's just a movie".  This is pretty generic advice, the key is just repetition, you have to force yourself to see yourself and the imminent reality of your movie outing in the most secure, comforting way possible. 

As a corollary to this, don't try and think of the positive reinforcement you're gonna be saying to yourself as "forcing" yourself, or struggling or anything like that.  Imagine you're a little babby child, being told something by your parent/best friend/most trusted figure, and you ACCEPT THE THING TOLD TO YOU AS THE GOSPEL TRUTH.  We were all at a certain age where  we would believe the world was flat because we couldn't and didn't feel the need to think otherwise, that's how susceptible you have to make yourself to your own positivity.  HAVE FAITH in the things you are telling yourself, as if you weren't the one telling them

3. If you ever need a confidence booster, something to calm down, aside from the whole positivity talk and imagining your happy place and other reasonable stuff like that, do something physical.  Do anything that makes you feel more secure as a living, powerful organism walking this Earth.  As silly as this sounds, get a sword, or a club, or anything you feel would be an advantage in a melee fight, and just swing it around.  Imagine yourself slaying whatever metaphorical dragons you have in your daily life, just REVEL in the feeling of power that comes with action and the illusion of invincibility. 

An alternative is just physical exercise, doing something that you are really good and take pride in, anything to reaffirm to yourself, "I AM AN AWESOME HUMAN BEING"

Hope literally any of this helps, have fun on Saturday.

[Insanegame27]

Thank you all. This thread wasn't only for me to groan about, so go forth and present your own relationship troubles, if you have some, and the community will (probably) chip in.


OW, Thank you for your advice. I do overthink things a LOT.


I will ask her where to meet like that.


re: re: awkwardness: Imaging an ex-special-forces soldier dropping his nerd stepson off at the movies, meeting my friend's dad, a high-up paramedic. Especially when my stepdad has got the very wrong idea about the whole movie thing.


re: re: offense at buying movie ticket: Thanks for that advice.


re: re: watching movie without making advances: I want to make an advance, but at the same time I have sworn that I wouldn't so I don't want to. I want her to make an advance so I can accept it, but I'm scared.


I can't stop overthinking things.


NRDL: I trust her completely. I have co-authored many stories with them and just this morning I let them know the password to my school laptop (and it's not exactly like that password's hard to get off the school, also it's not a very secure one anyways). I sat back and watched what she did on it and she opened up the story we were writing together. Then she asked me if I had anything funny on it so I told her to just look through my bookmarks and I told her the story behind the weird ones (there were a lot of those, and a fair few of those were from B12) and she laughed at the funny ones.


RE: talking up: I've been doing that ever since I last saw them at the bus stop. They're not at school tomorrow (Uni open day) so i have all day to talk myself up, then I have Saturday. I'm taking it one day at a time.


RE: Been there, done that. Was suggested many times before by other people. I end up acting out the story we are currently writing. Also, planning on going into military or computer engineering so I am used to PT as a thought calmer.

[cango]

.

[Trapezohedron]

Not a romantic problem, but one related to relationships nonetheless:

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

So, I fuck up operations one morning, and also incur a lot of losses. I get reprimanded by the owner (who happens to be my brother) for screwing up some simple tasks in operations.

Fast forward, my insane mother calls some family 'relatives' (I'm not sure how to label this; this other family is my brother's wife's family, and we're kind of tightly knit, like a replacement family for whatever motherly blunders my insane and real-blood mother did), complains on a few bits of information, most of which she should normally have no idea of, and my brother, upon hearing this information, is incensed and immediately blames me based on a few factors that had happened with my own hands, but I grew out of.

These include:

• Me creating intrigues in a misguided attempt at trying to keep family from keeping secrets from everyone;
• Me being depressed once that the mother had to leave. I grew out of it, since I also had my own issues with her, namely the fact that she doesn't ever listen;
• Me crying on the way home when I was reprimanded for non-spectacular performance of work;
• Me being the favorite of the insane mother, back when she seemingly cared.
• Me accepting a graduation gift, which was due to me and given by said insane mother, through a proxy (another aunt), who gave it to my aunt. Note that I never spoke to the proxy or the mother at any single point, but it would be a waste not to accept monetary gifts when it is due to me due to motherly obligations that have been unceremoniously passed on to my brother, whom I am now not in good terms with. My mistake there is that I didn't tell the brother and is singlehandedly the biggest basis for this issue.

I am to eventually call the brother who wronged me, and out of desperation and humbling myself, will have to apologize for everything I've ever did. I tried doing that, but couldn't help myself to avoid not justifying myself, that I didn't do anything and am being mistakenly accused a variety of issues I never did, which is true, and would wish to fix this entire issue as best as I can since my unpleasant behavior from years past is what broke it down.

I need advice on how to approach this issue, because I am certain with at least 80% probability that this brother will not listen to his own brother in favour of his own narratives where the situation is so horribly contrived that I cannot even try justifying myself and expect to go unscathed.

[Insanegame27]

Update: I sent her an email on Thursday, when I was told I would be able. I sent her another email yesterday after receiving no reply and then another one about two hours ago. The third email contained my phone number and asked her to ring me for confirmation. I had no idea what her phone number is, and I tried several of our mutual friends in the hope of getting her number off them, but to no avail. The movie was supposed to start 20 minutes ago. My stepdad told me I couldn't go if she hadn't the decency to reply to the emails (the girl told me to email her if I could or could not go) then I could not go.


Result: I am extremely cut up about this. I have been crying for the last twenty minutes. My stepdad arranged for himself, one of our family friends and myself to go and watch the movie at the next screening. But it won't be the same. It'll still be a good movie, but it's not going to be the same.


I can speculate that either she is now watching the movie and thinking bad thoughts about me for not showing up. Either that or she isn't watching the movie because I didn't show up.

[NRDL]

That sucks dude.  I feel for ya. 

[Orange Wizard]

My stepdad told me I couldn't go if she hadn't the decency to reply to the emails

Agreed. It's a shitty outcome but certainly not your fault. Though there's also a decent chance that there was a misunderstanding somewhere along the line; make sure to clarify that with her next time you can get in touch.

[TheBiggerFish]

Well then.  I'll be around for a platonic shoulder to cry on if anyone needs it.

[spümpkin]

I feel bad for asking for help in this thread, but just before hand... *hugs*

Okay, now, I have an issue.

So, there's this girl I like, right? She's really nice, and pretty appealing on the eye. She also knows about me being trans, and she's Bi, so yeah. I think she might like me? But I could just be mistaking it for just friendliness. I really can't read into these sorts of things.

[Xantalos]

Oh this is going to be an enormous thread, I can feel it.

[Insanegame27]

Hey DD, don't feel bad, asking for help and the reception of said help is the purpose of this thread.


First of all, trans as in M-->F or F-->M? I don't know the first thing about trans people although I have a number of Bi friends. How close are you and the girl you like? Friends? How long have you been friends? Get to know her, there's no reason to reject someone who is offering friendship.


Xantalos: It will be small to start with, but people will make it big (see what I did there?). I can feel it.

[spümpkin]

M-->F I'm still in high school, but I'm starting transition soonish, hopefully. She knows about this, as well. And I've known her for a bit of time, but I do still thjnk I want to be closer friends. That was my plan, anyway.

[NRDL]

It's always a crapshoot falling for friends.  As long you're willing to stomach the potential pain of rejection, best of luck to ya.