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[origamiscienceguy]

You Can't Die: Medieval Mayhem

You were plowing the fields early in the morning when your horse let out a warning neigh. You look up in the distance and see a large cloud of dust from behind a hill. Only a massive army could create such a cloud. The barony is under attack! You must get to the keep and warn the baron, but your wife and children are still inside the house probably eating breakfast. At that moment, you see fast horsemen crest the hill and split up, each group going towards different farm houses. A group of 4 horsemen head for your house. You are too far away to intercept them.


This is a storytelling game where the protagonist is a complete and utter badass. Every action the character does will be performed flawlessly, no matter how improbable or ridiculous. The story as of now has almost no plot, I will make up the plot as the story progresses based on your decisions.
Rules:
-Your suggestions can be extremely improbable and ridiculous, but not anything that is impossible for a human to do. For example, "throw a rock to deflect the arrow in midair, and have the rock continue on to hit soldier one in the head while the arrow is deflected and hits soldier two in the chest." Is perfect, but "Become a wizard and shoot fireballs at both soldiers." Will not be accepted.
-Try to keep your suggestions interesting and unique. Don't use the same action over and over again, or say "kill everything." It will make it more entertaining if you are more specific and creative with your suggestions.
-Do not manipulate the environment. Instead, give suggestions for how the character can deal with the current situation. No matter what action you suggest, the character won't die.
-Don't be a troll. Suggestions like, "kill yourself." Will not be accepted.
-More rules as needed.

[Salsacookies]

I yell my loudest at the horsemen, then take up a simple pebble, and throw it my hardest at one of the men's heads

[Sosoku234]

Throw that pebble so that it glaces off the closest one's helm and flies into the eyes of the horseman behind him.

[Funk]

Throw that pebble so that it glaces off the closest one's helm and flies into the eyes of the horseman behind him.

+1.

[origamiscienceguy]

You let out a bloodcurdling scream. The scream is filled with all you hatred about the men trying to kill your family and your livelihood. The scream frightens your plow-horse, who flinches and backs away a pace. The horsemen look at you, one bites his thumb at you, but they all continue to your house knowing you can't beat them to it. You look on the ground you just plowed and find a small pebble. You get a running start, twist your upper body, and throw the pebble with all your might. You watch the pebble sail through the air, and just as you hoped, it hits the angle of the front horseman. helmet, and buries itself in the right eye of the back most horseman. The rear horseman falls off his horse, screaming in pain. The party momentarily stops, then they decide to split up. The injured man remounts with some help, and two men, including the injured one, come for you. The other two continue towards your house. Your horse pulls at the restrains tying himself to the plow.

[germanyfrance]

Mount the horse and charge, but at the last second, veer hard right, whipping the plow out of the earth and smacking the two soldiers out of their saddles.

[vkiNm]

Oh. OH!. Those BASTARDS!

Pick up TWO pebbles this time, throw one as hardest as we can at one of the two horses that's running for our home, causing it to painfully hurt it's knee enough that would cause it to fall, tripping the one behind it, effectively halting them.

THEN throw our second pebble into the eye of the uninjured horseman running at us. They'll have to fight us half-blinds!

[Yes.. YES! YOU ARE MAKING ANOTHER GAME AAAAA-]

[Sosoku234]

I'd assume we have no weapon. So, when the plow is thrown, take on of the blades off and use it as a makeshift sword.

[origamiscienceguy]

You do a cartwheel over to your horse. You grab two pebbles from the ground while your hands are down and you land on top of your horse, to you surprise, the horse doesn't seem frightened or confused, in fact, it neighs in a way that you can only describe as "challengingly." You squeeze the horses flanks and it immediately responds. You knew that your horse was powerful, after all, pulling a plow is not easy, but carrying a fully grown man and pulling a plow at a fast canter was a display of strength that you never thought possible. While the distance between you and the two hosemen was closing fast, you pull back and throw another pebble at the two horsemen going for your family. It hits the lead horse in the knee, sending it sprawling on the ground. The hind horse tries to avoid the prone horse, but it turned too sharply and it too fell over. Both riders managed to kick themselves out of the saddle though, and they decided to run the est of the short distance to your house. You feel terrible for wounding an innocent creature, but you put that thought out of your mind and throw the second pebble at the two charging horsemen. They seem to have learned because they raise small wooden bucklers, but the pebble bounces off of the already injured horseman's buckler and rebounds into the second horseman's eye. He manages to stay on the horse, but it probably would have been better had he fallen off. You suddenly put hard pressure into your horse's right flank and it obediently makes a sharp right turn. The plow hits a small rock and gets send airbort, whipping around from the change in direction. The plow chops the first horseman's head clean off, but shatters after hitting the second horseman. However, the blunt impact was enough to send the horseman out of his saddle, eyes rolling in their sockets. The shattered pieces of the plow fly straight towards you, so you grab the blade out of the air and deflect the wooden parts out of harms way. The two horses look confused without their riders, and they stupidly start grazing on some weeds that you hadn't finished uprooting. You are reminded of the two men going after your family by a scream from you wife. And you see the two men enter with swords drawn.

[vkiNm]

Display our Huculean strength by throwing the plow blade like a Javelin at the house invaders, impaling both of them at once. Staggering them long enough for our wife to Sparta-kick them out of the house!

Surely our Maiden who sired our children are not just a simple dim-witted weak peasant. And that scream was surely of surprise, no?

[Salsacookies]

Display our Huculean strength by throwing the plow blade like a Javelin at the house invaders, impaling both of them at once. Staggering them long enough for our wife to Sparta-kick them out of the house!

Surely our Maiden who sired our children are not just a simple dim-witted weak peasant. And that scream was surely of surprise, no?

+1

[origamiscienceguy]

The soldiers were already inside your house, so you threw the plow like a boomerang, and sure enough, as it started falling, it curved to the right, inching its way into the door and you hear it the sound of metal hitting metal, then two bodies hitting the floor. Now without the plow weighing it down, your horse is able to gallop at a breakneck speed towards you house. You get to the entrance and see your wife, who's name was Alyss, brutally eviscerating the bodies of the two soldiers with one of their own sword. You calm her down and ask, "where are the children? We need to make for the keep." "They're in the cellar. Get these bodies outside while I get them." She said. You do as she asked and hid the bodies in a place where the kids wouldn't see them. Your children come out. Your son, Thaine, is around 14 years old and would normally be helping you in the fields, but he was just recovering from an illness today. He was coming up the stairs cautiously, eyes darting in every direction. Your daughter, Filisia, was only 8 years old, and she was hiding behind Thaine, almost out of sight. You speak. "We need to get to the keep and warn as many of our neighbors along the way as possible."  You know that the horse can only carry two at maximum. But you need to make a decision fast, because the bulk of the army was cresting the hill.

[vkiNm]

We've got three horses now. Maybe five if the downed horses weren't too badly injured.

It's enough to carry everyone over! but we need to do something!

Let our wife take the two idle grazing horses with our children to head to the keep, yelling and warning our neighbors along the way while we take our trusty stead and one of the Swordsman's sword to go and try rallying the men! A man ontop of a horse proudly swinging a sword around in the air yelling at the top of his lungs should be inspirational enough to get everyone out here. We can make some sort of a makeshift wall while the children and women flee for the keep! we'll get back to them, Promise! but we're going to make the incoming army's time a living hell before then.

After all, some extra food couldn't hurt, right? and what we take to the keep is what the enemy can't take.

[TinFoilTopHat]

Speaking of extra food, savagely tear meat and flesh off of the corpses with our bare hands, leaving nothing but bone. Salt the meat for preservation.

[vkiNm]

Speaking of extra food, savagely tear meat and flesh off of the corpses with our bare hands, leaving nothing but bone. Salt the meat for preservation.

-1

No. What are we, filthy barbarians?