Having a good day, say something stupid to someone, I can see her wince at my stupidity, and I try to play it off but it's all downhill from there, the anxiety spiral is started and there's no fucking stopping it. I should just learn to be more stoical and keep my fucking mouth shut.
I mentioned that I have been seriously considering the Air Force. I do genuinely think it'd be a good choice, between the education, the potential for achievement/recognition/respect, the camaraderie with other men, and getting the chance to really improve and hone the masculinity I've always wanted; it just sounds like it'd be great.
I'm just always doubting myself, and I'm not sure if I've cornered myself, because I've been talking myself up for more than a month now, showing off and bragging to my mom and coworkers that I'm going to do it, and I've done the practice test (got a near perfect on it) and I've been losing weight to get into the requirements (I'm within the limit), and I've been going out of my way to prove how healthy and qualified I am (pretty sure I'm fit and healthy)... I'm just not sure if I'm doing it for the wrong reasons, but now I can't back out or I'll be a pussy forever.
I'm just worried, that I already let my chances at happiness pass me by, that I'm just grasping at straws here, that the happiness I'm craving is something so unrealistic that when I finally get it I'll be so disappointed at the sad & anticlimactic reality of it my soul will just be crushed. And I'm worried that I might be disqualified for something and I'll never even get to find out, because the world seems so bleak as to bend backwards to deny me opportunities to have a real future and a real life, and I'll be forced to continue being fake and lifeless.
Good night everyone, tis just another offmychest post so I can finally relax and get to sleep.