Print

Please login or register.
1 Hour 1 Day 1 Week 1 Month Forever
Login with username, password and session length

[Hanslanda]

I didn't die this weekend. Doctor says I have high blood pressure and I was probably having benign palpitations. Possibly from anxiety, possibly a non-serious heart thing. Either way, she gave me hydrochlorothiazide (water pill) to bring my bp down a bit.

[Yoink]

Blergh, accidental nap. >.<
I doubt any of my earlier motivation and productivity has survived that. Now I'm all sweat-soaked and groggy. I was supposed to be having a shower and deciding whether to go to a friend's gig tonight...

Also, hooray for not dying and for the word "benign"!

[itisnotlogical]

I upgraded my project to Unity 2019 to deal with a bug. Unfortunately, not only was it not a bug (it was feature didn't understand and wasn't mentioned in the docs for some reason,) the upgrade smashed up a lot of work I had done in the past few days and now I need to find everything that's broken and fix it by hand.

[Telgin]

I hope upgrading Unity versions is smoother than upgrading versions of Unreal Engine 4.  I've actually had that corrupt projects before, although I was smart enough to make backups first.  I think the problem with UE4 is that it has a lot of C++ that has to be compiled and the project upgrades don't always fix the existing C++ code completely.

[itisnotlogical]

All it did was break some references. Normally it's hardly an issue, all it usually does is reimport your assets (which takes a while but doesn't hurt anything.) I guess it's because they upgraded some things I was using very heavily.

[Yoink]

Running laaaaate and I am brokeeeeee.
Also I fell asleep earlier and am still feeling kinda groggy as a result. Hasn't exactly helped my anxiety... Dx

[JoshuaFH]

I'm upset with myself again for getting pointlessly, apoplectically angry again. I feel like a hypocrite for always telling myself that I'm an amiable and levelheaded guy, when it's clear as day I'm filled with rage that is waiting to explode at the most benign provocation.

"Yeah I'm so cool, I'm so chill, I'm treating myself right, this is going to be a good day because I believe in the power of positivity." And then I hit a stupid bump, of no consequence, just a mistake in a game, "FUCK EVERYTHING! FUCK THE WORLD! FUCK MYSELF! GODDAMNIT! WHY CAN'T I STOP BEING SUCH A FUCKING RETARD!". It's like the moment I succumb to the temptation to feel upset over the smallest irritation, it instantly snowballs to include all my frustrations and anxieties in life, and my better judgment is totally and instantly overwhelmed.

I ask the question over and over: what am I going to do with myself?

[Kagus]

GF just had an altercation with her ex-stepdad. So, stepdad had blown a fuse over something she had no control over and was yelling, GF took it personally (probably a few flashbacks to getting direct rage explosions from him multiple times when growing up) and blew her own fuse before breaking down completely and crying profusely.

Her little sister's over visiting (and is directly related to why the dad is freaking out) and went to comfort her, and I just... Had a hard time summoning the empathy to do my boyfriend duties and hug her. Just didn't really trust her enough to not spill her own rage over onto me, as has happened a few times in the past.

[Doomblade187]

Josh, can you you afford to attend a therapy spot? I know it's far from a cure all, but emotions expressed through anger is on thing that talk therapy is for.

I feel like I asked this before, sorry if so.

Kagus, that is a truly terrible feeling to have.

[Yoink]

Argh why did I buy tickets to this thing?
I would have been better off staying at home. Though no doubt I would have been angry at myself for that, anyway...

[Kagus]

Argh why did I buy tickets to this thing?
I would have been better off staying at home. Though no doubt I would have been angry at myself for that, anyway...

Hey, wanna buy tickets to the vegan festival happening in Oslo come May 25th? There's a vegan Vietnamese restaurant with a booth, an Indonesian booth, and a vegan ice cream stand handing out free samples to market their new flavor.

Just in case you wanted to obligate yourself to more things that are unrealistic or complicated.

[Yoink]

Hmmm, I'd love to, but flights to Oslo apparently cost over a grand.   
Maybe if I manage to not royally screw up my budget after next payday for a change.

[JoshuaFH]

This is another catharsis post, just so I can relieve the anxiety that dwells in my body, release that pressure off my psyche, and just relax enough to get to sleep.

I think maybe I'm just desperately trying to force myself to like something enough to make it a hobby. I've gravitated towards games with elements of random chance, MTG, Eternal CCG, and now Mahjong, and those give me very high highs and very low lows. It all depends on how lucky I 'feel', which I'm realizing is an obscenely childish thing to want, wanting to be 'lucky' or in other words 'loved by god and the intangible forces of the universe enough that I just naturally win'. If I'm doing good, it's a good day and I'm on top of the world and I feel competent and intelligent, if I'm doing bad, it's a bad bad bad day, I just feel like the dumbest shitstain on the planet, enough that it threatens my whole week. It's a stupid reason to get so emotional, I'm not betting money or anything like that,  but there's so pathetically little going on in my life that I crave these small wins; just anything to make it feel like I'm a winner, and when I can't even get that, it's a straight dive back into feeling like a worthless loser.

I should quit it, it's hard to say I genuinely enjoy it, I'm just forcing myself to play, it's a waste of time, I just don't know what else to do...

On quitting: I feel like a pussy whenever I start to get mildly competent at something, realize that getting past "average" skill takes serious dedication and humility, and so quitting something not only leaves a hole that doesn't have anything immediate to fill it, but is basically an admission that I'm a coward that'll turn his back on something he's invested in just because I can't stop myself from being a salty bitch. It makes me feel like I'm an idiot asshole that just wants the feeling of winning effortlessly, which is a childish notion, but I guess it's true.

And again, it makes me take a stupid game far far far too seriously; so I should just quit it, because I'm playing it for the wrong reasons.

Josh, can you you afford to attend a therapy spot? I know it's far from a cure all, but emotions expressed through anger is on thing that talk therapy is for.

I guess I could, I mentioned in a much earlier post (here, or in the other Sad Thread, I forget) that my therapist quit her job; so I feel I'd have to crawl back to that Therapists Office and request a different one. And honestly, I've cycled through so many and talked so much that I'm reluctant to think it can ever help me. I get so emotional I have to let off steam in sad rants like I do here, but I also wonder if letting off steam is holding me back; maybe I need to hold it in, to build up the steam and then maybe I'll actually change my life.

Which is, of course, an extension of my impossible dream to be a man that is an island.

[Gentlefish]

Have you considered a constructive hobby? Those tend to be skill-based with lots of growth to better and better projects.

I personally keep (an) aquarium(s) [one day I'll be able to afford more than one!] and watching the fish swim about the live plants (or when they will since the water is still conditioning) really relaxes me. Plus I'm giving these cold blooded creatures a nicer, longer lifespan than they would in the wild. And that gives me a sense of responsibility to do the best for them.

But uh. Enough about me. Is there something like woodworking, construction, heck, papercrafting or cosplay that interests you?

[Kagus]

Have you considered a constructive hobby? Those tend to be skill-based with lots of growth to better and better projects.

Something like DOTA, for example!



Also, y'know how there are tournaments and skill rankings for mahjong but not for roulette? Because skill is involved. Sure, luck plays a role, but you don't get to 1st Dan by just throwing bricks at a screen.

But yeah, I get you. Sometimes you get the shit end of the deal at a time when you really needed the not-shit end, but RNGesus is not an attentive god. I kinda like the random element though, because it lets me think that there really was nothing more I could've done in a given situation... The game was rigged from the start, as the saying goes. I find the relaxed responsibility rather freeing, but then again I've got years of medication and cognitive-behavioral therapy behind me, and of course everyone's different. You might prefer something a bit less random.


I could rattle off some of the game titles that I find most meditative, but I wouldn't want to clog a discussion that might otherwise go to more, ah, traditionally constructive hobbies, heh.