I've been thinking about what I'm going to want to spend all my free time on when I'm newly unemployed and can actually devote my time to being productive throughout my day rather than my schedule being 1. work 2. plan my day around my sleep schedule so I always have enough sleep for work 3. always feel WAY TOO FUCKING rushed and/or tired to do anything meaningful or productive in my non-work hours, so I just squander them on whatever 4. Hate my life all day, every day as a result.
So one of the things I'd been meaning to do with my life was learn how to draw. I've always venerated the skill as belonging to the realm of magic, and only wizards born with magic blood in their veins could ever hope to place paint/pencil to paper and create a fucking image. To overcome this and atleast be glad to be able to do something artistic once in my awful life, I've booted up Pokemon Art Academy that's been sitting unused on my 3DS for years now. I had some progress already on it, but I deleted that and started a new save file.
I have no clue what it is, but something about putting my stylus down to create art just FILLS ME WITH ANXIETY. Even the act of writing my signature, at the very beginning before the art has even begun, and I feel my anxiety starting to crank up as I nervously try to write my own name, feel it's stupid, delete it, rinse and repeat ten times, before going IT'S FINE IT'S FINE! IT'S OK! STOP STRESSING ABOUT IT AND JUST PROCEED FORWARD FUCK!
The first task is to make a chalk drawing of Pikachu's face. My internal monologue is screaming IT'S FINE! DON'T STRESS THAT IT'S NOT A PERFECT OVAL OR A PERFECT EAR OR A PERFECT EYE OR WHATEVER! JUST FUCKING DO IT AND PROCEED FORWARD! IT'S FINE IT'S FINE IT'S FINE IT'S FINE IT'S FUCKING FINE! NOBODY'S GOING TO SEE IT AND NOBODY CARES. EVERYTHING IS OK. FUCK!
I needed to put the 3DS down after that.
I just need to force myself out of my comfort zone here, often enough that I can actually, I don't know, be artistic. I'd like to see the world that an artist sees it, and to give a little life to the many daydreams and fantasies that I've created and built-up over my years of life. That'd be nice.