I just woke up angry cause I had a dream where I was getting to play Smash Ultimate with a friend, and I got angry and basically yelled them out of my house. I'm already getting upset at myself when getting angry at videogames, I've already broken my trash can, computer chair, keyboard, and damaged my desk; I don't need to be bringing my salt into my dreams as well. Lying in bed thinking about it, it just felt like I had destroyed another one of my relationships. (I don't even own Smash Ultimate, I played a lot of melee, but only once against a person. Otherwise it was just another solitary experience.)
I had talked about my loneliness before, and it's just something that feels inescapable. It feels like you need perfect movie chemistry with someone just to get the ball rolling, and even then the smallest mistake destroys that ball entirely. The new analogy I thought up was that it feels like being at the bottom of a greased up pit. Just everything is greased up and slippery, so even standing at the bottom of the pit is hard. You can climb out, but the only way is with these little nub handholds on the wall, and you have to rock climb the entire way straight up. The nubs are greased too, and the path is very high up, and the smallest mistake sends you hurtling back down to the bottom, and if you get hurt noone cares...
I just don't know how anyone else does it.