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[birdy51]

Well, feather or not this conversation continues much feather, I'm sure that someone will have to duck out eventually. Ya'll are silly gooses.

[JoshuaFH]

I feel like I ruined my own day. I'm just such a dumbass with no sense of self-control.

[Dunamisdeos]

Aw man what happened.

I uh, have in fact ruined my own day before, so I can sympathize!

[JoshuaFH]

Well, it just felt like one of those days that started off well, because it was in a streak of good days, but then it was just one thing leading to another.

I found a lost quarter on the ground and pocketed it, and while I suppose was absolutely trivial as far as actions go, made me feel like a petty thief.

 I spilled peanuts on the gym floor because I was trying to be a weightlifting smartass and do something I read in a magazine that went something like "Eat some protein mid-workout for maximum gains" or some bullshit, and just accidentally made myself look like a dumbass.

I then cut my workout short because I felt stupid, and then made myself feel lazy instead.

I had maintenance guys come over the day before, and I *was* feeling good about that, but then I realize that they got to bear witness to my utterly squalid lifestyle. I felt like possibly they only tolerated it because they're nice, but I can't stand the idea of being pitied and judged like that.

I got angry playing a videogame, and just fucking screamed and smacked my controller on my desk. I wound up getting an excessive noise complaint pinned to my door that amounted to "Yo dude fuckin chill stop swearing at the top of your lungs."

and all in all after that I was just emotionally exhausted and defeated. It's all just part of the cyclical sham existence of highs and lows in which I live. It feels like I only have the most tentative, theoretical control over my own life; I'm otherwise just the victim of my own mood going up and down based on unavoidable, random events that ultimately don't amount to much. It honestly just feels like I'm waiting for the day something pushes me over the edge and I wind up doing something horrible and permanently ruin my own life.

[Billy]

Like getting married?

[JoshuaFH]

*Badum tish*

[Yoink]

Aw man, my mood's doing that thing where it just plummets for no reason. Then again, I am up late "for no reason" as well, and my housemates got back earlier, putting an end to a few days of blissful solitude, so that's probably bothering my subconscious to some degree.
Still, none of those things should be causing this much bleakness. Ugh.



@JoshuaFH: same fam. But you know what? I'm proud of ya for going to the gym in the first place. I avoid such things simply because I fear that sort of ridiculously minor embarrassment - the kind of thing that everyone else forgets about immediately but I dwell upon for hours or days afterwards - just have to either push it from your mind or laugh at the situation - or, better yet, learn to laugh at your own irrational reactions to such moments whenever they occur. That's a pretty great skill to train!

I used to get pretty damn mad at videogames from time to time, myself. It's not unusual or anything. Heck, people disturb their neighbours by doing far worse things all the time. At least a meth lab didn't explode in your kitchen or some such nonsense, that'd really be worth complaining about.

[Dunamisdeos]

I found a lost quarter on the ground and pocketed it, and while I suppose was absolutely trivial as far as actions go, made me feel like a petty thief.

 I spilled peanuts on the gym floor because I was trying to be a weightlifting smartass and do something I read in a magazine that went something like "Eat some protein mid-workout for maximum gains" or some bullshit, and just accidentally made myself look like a dumbass.

I then cut my workout short because I felt stupid, and then made myself feel lazy instead.

I do one or all of these things every half hour or so and with quite some variation as to the details. These are common people things that in no way make you a stupid lazy embarrassing thief. Take heart.

I got angry playing a videogame, and just fucking screamed and smacked my controller on my desk. I wound up getting an excessive noise complaint pinned to my door that amounted to "Yo dude fuckin chill stop swearing at the top of your lungs."

Look man I have broken keyboards in a spittle flinging rage before. It's all good to let it loose at an inanimate object, but yeah maybe learn to whisper threats of incredible specificity and unthinkable violence at your video games, like i do.

It sounds to me like you are a regular dude, no need to hate on yourself for that.

[JoshuaFH]

I found a lost quarter on the ground and pocketed it, and while I suppose was absolutely trivial as far as actions go, made me feel like a petty thief.

 I spilled peanuts on the gym floor because I was trying to be a weightlifting smartass and do something I read in a magazine that went something like "Eat some protein mid-workout for maximum gains" or some bullshit, and just accidentally made myself look like a dumbass.

I then cut my workout short because I felt stupid, and then made myself feel lazy instead.

I do one or all of these things every half hour or so and with quite some variation as to the details. These are common people things that in no way make you a stupid lazy embarrassing thief. Take heart.

I got angry playing a videogame, and just fucking screamed and smacked my controller on my desk. I wound up getting an excessive noise complaint pinned to my door that amounted to "Yo dude fuckin chill stop swearing at the top of your lungs."

Look man I have broken keyboards in a spittle flinging rage before. It's all good to let it loose at an inanimate object, but yeah maybe learn to whisper threats of incredible specificity and unthinkable violence at your video games, like i do.

It sounds to me like you are a regular dude, no need to hate on yourself for that.

Thanks Duna. Deep down I know the secret to overcoming my rut in life is to realize that I'm not a special victim that is being unfairly trated by the forces of the cosmos, but I'm just a regular guy and I should get over myself. I know that the concept of imagining myself as a special victim is itself a coping mechanism to help me feel better, not worse, about being where I am, but also simultaneously keeping me here. Though I also know that it is a delusion that is hard to give up, it's just so relieving and easy to believe that I'm a special victim, and so hard to believe that I'm normal. I feel that if I gave up the delusion, that I just accepted that I'm a normal guy in normal circumstances, I might have a chance, but it's also just such an existentially crushing thing to accept, far more heavy and damaging than any degree of being a special victim. Though perhaps that itself is also within the framework of being a normal person. I guess I'll sleep on it now. Thanks again Duna.

[Dunamisdeos]

I'm quite pleased to help. In truth I think we all go through that at some point in our lives.

It sounds like you're going to be fine

[Rolan7]

I was thinking about some stuff on a 3 hour drive which made me a little sad, but I honestly can't remember what.  Hrm.

Mild sadness is one of the conflicting feelings I have about Pride Month.  First because I missed most of it, then forgot about it for a week, and even find myself wondering if it's something to be proud of.  I *still* feel slightly ashamed of it, which I guess is why people compensate with horrifically gaudy pride displays.  But mostly I just don't think about it, because other things are more interesting and less tricky.

But on the very rare occasions I do hook up, it actually feels super awesome for a couple weeks?  I just get distracted by other stuff, it's hardly the meaning of life.

Ah, I remember now.  I was explaining to my dad about the horrible limelight-stealing extremists in both "MRA" and "Feminist" movements, and happened to mention Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists.  How they exclude trans people, and that's horrible.  "You're trans?"  "Haha no, but if I was-"

The mildly sad part was the implication that I wouldn't be complaining about it unless I was a victim of it, I guess.
And later realizing that my "gender is dumb and I don't subscribe to its rules, maaaaaan" outlook might count, but it's based in apathy and being bi/pan/whatever.

I still think this counts as mild because I really don't feel strongly about any of it, I just finished a long boring drive so it was bouncing through my mind.  I do think Pride is important, but more for people with dysphoria or "normal" libidos.

[Yoink]

Stayed up all night for some reason I have since forgotten.
Had a ridiculous early-morning trip to the supermarket that was completely plagued with mishaps: first I couldn't decide what the heck I needed, then I felt the need to rush through the checkout whilst trying to cram my purchases into the bag I brought (which I for some reason neglected to empty before setting off, because you never know when you might sit down to read a book mid-shopping trip, right?), then the cardboard package of energy drinks I was carrying in one hand broke and so I had to stop, put down my pringles on a nearby bin and fumble around cramming huge cans into the bag as well (crushing the shit out of my bread in the process), then had to cross the road in a less-than ideal fashion because of the resulting bad timing, and then as I was scurrying across the second half of said road, intently watching an approaching car in case I would have to either hurry up or make a hasty retreat to avoid it, my bag, the same bag - my awesome, pineapple-patterned satchel that has served me so well - broke from the effort, slapping down in the middle of the road.
I'm kind of glad I was feeling pretty sleep-deprived or I may have just panicked at that point. As it was it took me a moment to process the sheer unpleasantness of what had just happened and in the interim I realised that the intersection light had gone red and the car I was expending such energy to dodge was slowing to a halt anyway.

Perhaps if I hadn't been hurrying so my bag wouldn't have broken? Or perhaps it is my sudden and meaningless decision to do my part for this doomed planet's environment by refusing a plastic bag despite my unwieldy purchases that is to blame? I don't know, but in any case I think this bag will be out of action for a while because even if I repaired it myself I'm not sure I'd trust my sewing skills enough to run around with it as normal.


What else?
Oh yeah, yesterday I made the bitterly unpleasant decision to bite my tongue rather than continue (and doubtless escalate, seeing as it was a topic I feel strongly about - interior decorating in this case) an argument on social media, since the imbecile I was about to rip strips off is a friend of a friend of mine, and while I am not especially close with the friend in question, our conversations cover a range of topics close to my heart that I don't really have anyone else with whom I can discuss, so they are of at least some importance to me.
Still, I hate not having the last word. Stupid tact. Diplomacy should be administered at the point of a sword. I was actually getting quite worked up about it yesterday and now as I write this it's coming back to me. Whoops. Perhaps this is why I failed to go to bed on time and subsequently gave up on the idea of sleeping altogether.
I should make like Howard Moon and start carrying a picture of some happy kittens on my person at all times for use in moments like these.   

In other news I have a Real Big Decision^TM looming over me and I am really just distracting myself from that with these pretty aggravations. Also my alarm just went off and it was loud and it startled me. Also I think I am probably too tired to focus on reading a book right now and I am supposed to finish it this month.   


@rolan: you're bi?? Well that's interesting to know, at least I could still hypothetically discuss the wonders of womenfolk (in an entirely respectful way of course) with you if the topic of physical attraction somehow arose, without feeling like the meaning was lost in translation.

[Dunamisdeos]

Holy Shit I have not been able to sleep for two nights ha ha how am I driving

[Yoink]

Holy Shit I have not been able to sleep for two nights ha ha how am I driving

Dude don't do that.

[Dunamisdeos]

Holy Shit I have not been able to sleep for two nights ha ha how am I driving

Dude don't do that.

It's work-o-clock and I ain't got a bus.