Tonight on 10 Downing street...
Hamwise Cameron: What are you up to? Sneaking off, are we?
Smaygol: Sneaking? Sneaking? Fat Tory is always so polite. Smaygol shows them secret ways that nobody else could find and they say "Sneak!", "Sneak!". Very nice friends, oh yes, my Precious, very nice.
Hamwise Cameron: Alright, alright - you just startled me is all.
(peering over the cliff's edge)
What were you doing?
Smaygol: (sly) Sneaking!
Too exhausted to argue, HAM turns away.
Hamwise Cameron: Fine, have it your own way.
HAM gently shakes BOJO'S shoulder.
Hamwise (cont'd): Sorry to wake you, Mr Frodo. We have to be moving on.
HAM rummages through his COUNTRY, looking for an electorate to eat.
BOJO sits up slowly.
Bojo Baggins: We're unpopular still.
Ham: We're always unpopular here.
CLOSE ON: HAM stops rummaging . . . SHOCK on his face.
HAM (cont'd): It's gone . . . the Tory mandate!
Bojo Baggins: (alarmed) What? That's all we have left!
Hamwise slowly turns to Smaygol...
HAM (dawning realisation): She took it! She must have!
Smaygol: (shocked) Smaygol? No, no, not poor Smaygol. Smaygol hates nasty Tory mandates
HAM: You're a lying wretch! What did you do with it?
BOJO: She doesn't want it . . . She can't have taken it.
CLOSE ON: Smaygol slaps his hand against HAM'S JACKET . . . sending TORY MANDATE CRUMBS RAINING DOWN!
SMAYGOL: What's this? Tory leadership votes on his jacketses! (fake outrage) He took it! He took it! I seen him, he's always campaigning himself when Master's not looking!
HAM: (angry) That's a filthy lie!
HAM is ENRAGED . . . he throws himself at Smaygol.. punching her!
HAM (cont'd) (yelling) You stinking two-faced sneak! Call me a cheat!
BOJO: (yelling) Ham! Stop it!
BOJO pulls HAM off Smaygol ...
HAM: (yelling) I'll unseat her! I'll unseat her!
BOJO: No, Sam!
BOJO COLLAPSES on the GROUND!
CLOSE ON: HAM'S horrified face!
HAM: Arlight, I'm sorry, I didn't mean for Brexit to go so far, I was so angry . . . Here, let's rest up a bit.
HAM attempts to fuss around BOJO...
BOJO: (exhausted) I'm alright.
HAM: No, no, you're not alright! You're exhausted! It's that Smaygol; it's this place; it's that Tory leadership. I could help a bit . . . I could carry it for a while longer - share the load.
CLOSE ON: A terrible light comes into BOJO'S eyes as he
STARES into the EARNEST eyes of HAM.
BOJO: Get away!
BOJO pushes HAM away, clutching at the LEADERSHIP BID beneath his shirt
HAM: (confused) I don't want to keep it . . . I just want to help!
BOJO rises to his FEET, as if empowered with a frightening intense RHUBARB.
SMAYGOL: See! See! He wants it all for himself.
HAM: (beside himself) Shut up, you! Go away. Get out of here.
CLOSE ON: BOJO...
BOJO: (quietly) No, Ham . . . it's you.
HAM stares at BOJO with DISBELIEF.
BOJO (cont'd) I'm sorry, Ham ...
CLOSE ON: TEARS WELL in HAM'S eyes . . .
HAM: (hopelessly) But . . . she's a liar . . . she's poisoned you against me.
BOJO: You can't help me anymore.
HAM: You don't mean that.
BOJO: (eerie calm) Brexit means Brexit.