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Author Topic: The friendly and polite Europe related terrible jokes thread  (Read 1098492 times)

Loud Whispers

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1140 on: March 16, 2016, 10:06:05 pm »

Space Bernie Sanders?
I mean you did Space Trump...
Should Murrica get two characters? Sanders would probably also have to nudge in on territory already taken by the Chairman or Commissioner and isn't as distinctive as any of the other real life caricatures (the only one who is not a caricature is Xi Jinping, who is very reserved, carefully manages his public image and tends to shy from any spotlight he hasn't cast - which is perfect, as his AC counterpart Sheng-ji Yang is a soft spoken, totalitarian philosopher King, using a light touch and an iron fist to rule. Xi Jinping has the light touch, but has the iron fist to ensure he does not garner the same critics Erdogan does. Also deadly typos lol

Whereas Trump fits the Believer niche near perfectly (also being the only faction that can run democracy and still keep expanding like a woman on a mission), requiring aggressive use of all 4Xs to negotiate trade deals with Londonistan and Super Tokyo! Also Miriam and Donald both have orange hair and Scots blood, so it's almost absolutely mandatory

Maybe Trudeau but there's also already a DUDE WEED LMAO character. Maybe he can be the Planet Cult for twice the DUDE WEED LMAO than Captain Sweden Ja, that doesn't sound that bad actually

It'd be near-mandatory to fuse Italy with Australia as well as I just can't envisage there not being an Australian-Italian pirate sea faction sailing around telling everyone to join them on bunga bunga adventure or telling enemies to fuck off because they're full

*EDIT
And to differentiate Al Qaeda with ISIS a bit more, fuse Al Qaeda with Ayyyyyliens to make Ayyyyy Qaeda Lmao
« Last Edit: March 16, 2016, 10:11:16 pm by Loud Whispers »
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Loud Whispers

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1141 on: March 16, 2016, 10:59:19 pm »

I love it. Although, you missed out extra drones for Merkel (due to population dissatisfaction at being unlawfully enriched at the space swimming pools), and the empire of Glorious Nippon would obviously have penalties to growth, as they'd be too busy dating their waifus to actually breed.
Oh that's not a bad idea, make them play like a hybrid of the Cybernetic and University faction of ubertech research but low growth and high drones to represent the difficulty in getting Neets to work and multiply. Also lol I always found it funny that the Cybernetic faction had a penalty to growth as they found the rituals of organic reproduction "clumsy"
Also enriching rec commons is represented by unlikely riots, whilst intellectual intellegentsia help keep things covered unless they get outnumbered by drones

Count V. Putin and China would probably be all about the nerve stapling, too - the Ruskies would get bonuses to its efficiency, China would have a better job of keeping the atrocities quiet due to the Great Datalinkwall.
As far as I can tell the Sputniks can't be given improvements on nerve stapling efficiency, and I don't see this being something they'd do much anyways as they're running on the theme of Soviet space-slav scifi a la Civ: Beyond Earth + Putin military muscle flexing Russia so they need smart slavs to make science for better weaponry and orbital spaceflight (well, they can't lead but they can certainly keep par, especially if they allow their economy to suffer in favour of research), the bonus to police represents their internal security apparatus well enough so they can avoid drone riots without rec commons for quite a while as long as they have a good enough army. Maybe also have it so that the People's House autobuilds Punishment Spheres and Genejack factories when they discover them, this would severely increase their productive capabilities whilst devastatingly halving their research, essentially meaning they'd have to win by flooding the world with troops that would get increasingly outdated without probe teams or negotiators re-appropriating foreign technology. Which seems appropriate all things considered

EDIT: I just love it so much. Do I have your permission to write an erotic crossover between it and Murder on the Orient Express and sell it for millions (to the Harry Potter audience, naturally)?
The only thing is, I might have to replace dear old Bogo with the Gold(man)-plated robot Mechillary, to add some real pathos to the scene where she seduces Sister Donna Trump into going along with her plan of brainwashing all the other faction leaders into simultaneously stabbing Captain Sanders while he's busy measuring the ship to make sure no one has a bigger cabin than anyone else.
Absolutely haram

But don't forget to include Sonic the Hedgehog in it for maximum appeal and cancer

And Sanders could be the Captain (well, maybe not) who died/was killed before Planetfall. After seeing his stage get bumrushed by BLM, he seems kinda vulnerable to that kind of thing.
I think 2008 Obama would make a better Captain, seeing as the Captain was given command on the premise that no one truly expected the mission to succeed and he only got the job because he managed to inspire hope in the people of Earth that they weren't going to go extinct, that the project was worth doing because it could succeed.
And he held it together remarkably long until nimble navigators, cosmic forces beyond his control, conspirators and powerful leaders began pulling everything apart metaphorically (and in the case of kinetic and gravitational forces, literally). And with his one job being to ensure the colony pods managed to detach after they malfunctioned, he manages to manually detach them and leave himself stranded - to go down with the ship. Could he have ever been strong enough to keep such powerful leaders under control? Who knows, but all of them touch down on Planet because of him - and so they should say the words.
"Thanks Captain Obama."

Sergarr

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1142 on: March 18, 2016, 03:14:06 am »

Turkey arrests three academics on 'terrorist propaganda' charges. "More than 2,000 academics signed a petition in January criticizing military action in the southeast, including round-the-clock curfews aimed at rooting out PKK militants who have barricaded themselves in residential areas in southeastern cities." "The petition outraged President Tayyip Erdogan, who said the academics would pay a price for their "treachery"."

Saddam Erdogan seems to be doing rather well. Extorting money from EU, while curbstomping all dissent at home with brutal fist (including extreme mass murdering of Kurds), while being a "strategic ally" of USA, just like original Saddam was? He's doing very good for himself. For now.

Hopefully that will change in the future, because this is getting ridiculous.

P.S. From the same article:
Quote
Erdogan said on Monday the definition of a terrorist needed to be broadened to include supporters, listing lawmakers, academics, journalists or civil society leaders as examples.

Erdogan has previously accused the HDP of being an extension of the PKK, calling for legal action against lawmakers.
I don't even know what to add here...
« Last Edit: March 18, 2016, 03:21:57 am by Sergarr »
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Teneb

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1143 on: March 18, 2016, 05:41:41 am »

I think it's time for those people to culturally enrich Europe while getting the hell out of the New Ottoman Sultanate.
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What if “slammed in the ass by dead philosophers” is actually the thing which will progress our culture to the next step?

Sergarr

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1144 on: March 18, 2016, 10:27:41 am »

European Union leaders approved a controversial deal with Turkey on Friday intended to halt illegal migration flows to Europe in return for financial and political rewards for Ankara.

Quote
"After a morning of talks with Turkish Prime Minister Ahmet Davutoglu, European Council President Donald Tusk recommended that the 28 EU member states approve the text without changes and they rapidly agreed at a summit lunch in Brussels."

"Under the pact, Ankara would take back all illegal migrants who cross to Greece, including Syrians, in return for the EU taking in thousands of Syrian refugees directly from Turkey and rewarding it with more money, early visa-free travel and progress in its EU membership negotiations. "

"The EU also agreed to accelerate disbursement of 3 billion euros already pledged in support for refugees in Turkey and to provide a further 3 billion by 2018 once Ankara came up with a list of projects that qualified for EU assistance.

While the talks were in progress, Turkish President Tayyip Erdogan accused the EU of hypocrisy over migrants, human rights and terrorism after supporters of the separatist Kurdistan Workers Party (PKK) set up protest tents near the summit venue.

Erdogan said Europe was "dancing in a minefield" by directly or indirectly supporting terrorist groups."
When Gaddafi said that Europe will beg for mercy on the hands of refugees if he was to be deposed, everyone laughed. But now, they're desperately trying to appease the Sultan (who clearly understand the situation and is abusing it to insult Europe and demand as much stuff as he wants), in a way that doesn't actually resolve the problem at all, but will only legalize it (the exchange rate is "one illegal migrant" for "one legal migrant", lel)

Great job, Merkel. Great fucking job. It's hard to believe that such concentration of pure failure can exist in a single person that's supposed to rule over a non-"banana republic" state. Fucking up economical recovery of the biggest and most developed economical block on the planet (lel austerity), fucking up on the refugee issue, fucking up nuclear energy (only to replace it with coal, which actually releases 20 times more radioactive materials than nuclear energy does LEL), and fucking up German's army to the extent of it using fucking brooms instead of actual weapons... have I missed anything?
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sprinkled chariot

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1145 on: March 18, 2016, 10:34:52 am »

Not bad price for cultural enrichment. Europe needs more culture to get civilized. I bet, Bismark would be proud of Merkel.
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martinuzz

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1146 on: March 18, 2016, 10:39:54 am »

Sounds like a great deal.
All hail Aisha Merkeglu and Donald Türk
« Last Edit: March 18, 2016, 10:41:31 am by martinuzz »
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Friendly and polite reminder for optimists: Hope is a finite resource

We can ­disagree and still love each other, ­unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist - James Baldwin

http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=73719.msg1830479#msg1830479

Sergarr

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1147 on: March 18, 2016, 11:26:23 am »

There is actually at least one other hilarious thing from the article I haven't noticed on the first reading. Namely, the fact that EU has engaged in some bureaucratic bullshit in order to push the deal through:
Quote
CYPRUS ROADBLOCK SIDESTEPPED

Turkey's four-decade-old dispute with Cyprus had been a key stumbling block. Cypriot President Nicos Anastasiades insisted there could be no opening of new "chapters" in Turkey's EU talks until Ankara allows Cypriot traffic to its sea and airports - a result of a refusal to recognize the Cypriot state.

But the issue was sidestepped because EU leaders agreed to open a negotiating chapter that was not one of the five blocked by Nicosia. An EU official said they would open chapter 33 on budget policy and accelerate preparations for negotiations in other areas.
EU seems to be quite proficient at fucking over its constituent members on technicalities in the name of "the greater good".
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martinuzz

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1148 on: March 18, 2016, 11:56:52 am »

The Belgian tv (VTM) reports that Saleh Abdesalem, the Paris attacker that has been a fugitive ever since the Paris attacks, has been shot by the Belgian police, and placed into custody, after another police raid in Molenbeek. He is being treated in a hospital now.
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Friendly and polite reminder for optimists: Hope is a finite resource

We can ­disagree and still love each other, ­unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist - James Baldwin

http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=73719.msg1830479#msg1830479

Loud Whispers

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1149 on: March 18, 2016, 11:59:30 am »

EU seems to be quite proficient at fucking over its constituent members on technicalities in the name of "the greater good".
All according to plan

Spoiler (click to show/hide)
http://www.esiweb.org/rumeliobserver/2016/01/29/the-merkel-samsom-plan-a-short-history/
The list goes on, full list linked.

Found one more link in the European Enrichment bloc. We know which politicians have been publicly doing what and we have a good grasp of what which statesmen and women have been actually doing behind the scenes versus what they say publicly, but it never struck me to look into who advises them as I never thought any one adviser group had dominance over so many ears. Colour me surprised, the Turkey plan was their proposal and they just borrowed Merkel's name for it. That is true power, no constitutional limits, no campaigning, votes or oversight, and your ideas are made law upon whole continents to fulfill your life's visions. We live like Kings, but few live as Princes.

Quote
15 October interview in Die Zeit with Gerald Knaus: ZEIT: The plan that Angela Merkel will bring to Ankara comes close to a proposal you made already weeks ago – and now it became EU foreign policy. What exactly did you propose?"
Hmph. Going against the combined political might of Brussels, Stockholm, Berlin, the Hague and a couple multinational "philanthropists." It will be a tough future, one I think will take generations to attain victory.
Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Now I caution people to not blame the ESI for being behind the move for mass immigration to Europe, they have put forth many proposals into law and advised EU and German politicians to stop any moves for border control true, but they are just one cog in one greater phenomenon, one greater machine that cannot stop. And yes they are the geniuses who came up with the plan to solve illegal migration by making it legal, as their goal is creating a new and unknown cosmopolitan Europe.

Spoiler (click to show/hide)

Well that's just a window into a few of the governments and corporations that want a new Europe and aren't just riding the commercial wave of the progresiv march. Europoors I think you've long since already lost, I even now realize my cultural enrichment plan would be almost exactly the same as theirs. All bases are covered, there is no point in politics, it's all over - less stress to merely be a watcher, an observer, shitposting for future's keepsake how it all went so wrong because the hands must trust the brain and the brain must trust its sensors, the sensors being wholly dependent upon a manipulable environment.

I may even quit shitposting altogether as it's less and less fun. I shitpost some ridiculous stupid enrichment joke and then it happens in real life, I kinda just want to cast my votes and go fishing, to kek I praise and to human I fall

Respect the robot

But alas, I am being too pessimistic at times, the fight is never over for as long as opposition still breathes. Founder of FTSE 100 broker backs EU exit
WE ARE NOT ALONE, OUR CULTURALLY ENRICHED COALITION WILL DEFEAT THEIR CULTURALLY ENRICHED COALITION, FOR OURS IS MORE ENRICHED THAN THEIRS
TO VICTORY BASED TAQIYYAH SCOT
TO VICTORY BASED SMILING SOT
TO VICTORY BASED RHUBARB POT

Quote
Mr Hargreaves said demand for goods in and from the UK would spur quick and favourable trade deals, and the popularity of British fashion and brands such as Rolls-Royce and Jaguar would help the UK flourish after an exit.

"Can you imagine if they put up a trade barrier - and we would reciprocate immediately - just imagine the three phone calls [German Chancellor] Angela Merkel would get the following day, the chief executive of [Volkswagen], the chief executive of Mercedes and the chief executive of BMW."
WEW I WAS RIGHT

Quote
"We raise money for the Russians; we raise money all over the world, for countries that are not in Europe," he said. "They've got to use London. London can raise billions on a few phone calls."
SUBTLE CONFIRMATION THAT LONDON SHEKEL WIZARDS LITERALLY MAKES BILLIONS EX NIHILO WITH POTENT STERLING MAGIC

EUROWARLOCKS BTFO

Teneb

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1150 on: March 18, 2016, 12:31:07 pm »

When Gaddafi said that Europe will beg for mercy on the hands of refugees if he was to be deposed, everyone laughed.
Gaddafi, may his spellings be many, confirmed for prophet?
If you'd like me to tone down the shitposts, do say so
France should leave EU and capitalize on its little-known land borders to join its South American neighbors in glorious UNASUL (we totally have no corruption, I promise).
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What if “slammed in the ass by dead philosophers” is actually the thing which will progress our culture to the next step?

Loud Whispers

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1151 on: March 18, 2016, 12:57:07 pm »

Quote
Meaning, Germany should make a unilateral action. However, not to build a fence, but with a quota solution with Turkey. "A quick solution quota would have meant that more accurately know who is coming to Europe."

Refugees could be selected and in the population is not feeling the flooding and helplessness emerged. The acceptance would have been for greater in Europe and it was more possible to include countries such as Austria or Sweden.
"Speak rather of day a few hundred people"

He openly says in the "world" interview that he had advised politicians, the number of refugees in the quotas express so that it sounded less threatening for the population.

You should not call the number of 500,000 refugees per year: "We have politicians therefore recommended in the past few months: Call no total number of contingents from Turkey Speak rather of a daily quota of a few hundred people!."

The man who designed Merkel's refugee policy says, so that the only way to implement it, a bilateral agreement on a quota solution is between Germany and Turkey, which the EU initially sidelined leaves. That should be clear long ago also Merkel.

That Germany should shoulder the burden of the refugee crisis, while the EU cross arises, can the voters so naturally not say. But probably it would have been better, the population to miss this shock, instead of letting them in uncertainty.
http://www.huffingtonpost.de/2016/03/17/gerald-knaus-merkel-fluechtlinge_n_9483070.html
Hahahahaha why do I have to be right about this

I'm sorry Helgo but the only people who were honest to you about what was being done to your country were anonymous shitposters on the internet
God damn
Maybe I should actually shitpost for a cause, actually try to convince people as this is just insane. Sad thing is they'll never have to live with the consequences of their actions, but at least the people who voted for their puppets will (unless they cowardly die or flee).

They've also experimented on making Kosovan children progresiv

I don't think cultural enrichment can stop the gears from turning
We need national globalists to thwart globalists and nationalists to thwart international socialists


When Gaddafi said that Europe will beg for mercy on the hands of refugees if he was to be deposed, everyone laughed.
Gaddafi, may his spellings be many, confirmed for prophet?
If you'd like me to tone down the shitposts, do say so
France should leave EU and capitalize on its little-known land borders to join its South American neighbors in glorious UNASUL (we totally have no corruption, I promise).
You should see him in the Arab council when he warned them all that the West would go after its former allies one by one and kill them all, and any one of them could be next. They laughed at him, he died next, but the best is Assad laughing - this was no threat, but a promise.
Though to be fair Gaddafi was not necessary and I have zero doubts the European Union would have any issue at all working out a new way to find migrants, our Labour gov actively went abroad to find people lol I don't doubt they'd be up for hire by Commission or Bundestag

martinuzz

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1152 on: March 18, 2016, 01:00:23 pm »

Both the French president Hollande, as well as the Belgian prime minister Charles Michel have left the meeting with Turkey, to discuss the capture of Saleh Abdelsalam.
Likely, Hollande is asking for extradition right away.
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Friendly and polite reminder for optimists: Hope is a finite resource

We can ­disagree and still love each other, ­unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist - James Baldwin

http://www.bay12forums.com/smf/index.php?topic=73719.msg1830479#msg1830479

Sergarr

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1153 on: March 18, 2016, 03:35:48 pm »

Erdogan claims fighting terrorism outweighs democracy in Turkey. (color and size added to stress the key points)

Quote
Combating terrorism is Turkey's highest priority, even higher than the rule of law, Turkish President Erdogan has said. Following a recent bomb attack in Ankara, he has pledged to crack down on Kurdish dissidents.

"Democracy, freedom and the rule of law," have "absolutely no value any longer," President Recep Tayyip Erdogan told local leaders in Ankara on Wednesday.

"Those who stand on our side in the fight against terrorism are our friend. Those on the opposite side, are our enemy," he said in the televised comments, according to DPA news agency.

Turkey will employ "an iron fist against terrorism" and "fight Kurdistan Workers' Party (PKK) militants," Erdogan told a televised gathering of local district leaders in Ankara Wednesday.

The president also made critical remarks about the pro-Kurdish Peoples' Democratic Party (HDP), which has 80 seats in parliament.

"Wherever you run, our soldiers, police and village guards will find you there and do what is necessary," the president said.

Lifting Kurdish MPs' immunity

Turkey's parliament has set up a committee to consider lifting the immunity of five members of parliament (MPs) from the HDP, including party leaders Selahattin Demirtas and Figen Yuksekdag. This would make it possible to try them over their call for Kurdish autonomy.
Erdogan called on parliament to "swiftly" end immunity from prosecution for pro-Kurdish lawmakers.

"I no longer see as legitimate political actors the members of a party which is operating as a branch of the terrorist organization," Erdogan said, repeating his claim that the HDP is a front for the outlawed PKK.

Turkish media reported that a simple majority in a vote in parliament - where Erdogan's Justice and Development Party (AKP) holds over half the seats - would be enough to strip the MPs of their immunity.

A powerful Syrian Kurdish political party said Wednesday that it planned to declare a federal region in northern Syria, across the border from Turkey. Erdogan said Turkey would not support any form of Kurdish self-rule in the country.

[SADDAM ERDOGAN INTENSIFIES]

I literally can't stress it hard enough, this is the kind of people EU considers as acceptable to deal, nay, appease. This is literally bullshit. I've seen people calling Putin's Russia as "dictatorship in all but name", and Putin has not pulled anything even close to half of bullshit that Erdogan is currently pushing through, and (the most infuriating part for me) he's getting away with it completely and utterly scot-free! He even gets paid to commit atrocities. 6 fucking billion Euro.

Is there some secret to this? Some magic words, upon issuing which Europe just gives you money, free benefits (hello visa-free travel) and improved partnership for basically no tangible reason (exchanging illegal migrants for legal migrants 1 to 1 TOP KEK), even if you're guilty of most vile crimes against humanity, democracy and human rights?
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ChairmanPoo

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Re: The friendly and polite EU-related news thread
« Reply #1154 on: March 18, 2016, 03:56:01 pm »

Sergarr, this is not even the first time this happens. As I said before, there has been a migration crisis for decades in Southern Europe. One of the attempts to "solve" the problem was to secure the help of the King of Morocco, Muhammad VI. Who proceeded to take care of the problem by getting all the migrants he was receiving from Europe, putting them in buses.... and dumping them in the f*ing desert near the Algerian border. Nice guy, no?  Well, he remained a favored trading partner for the EU until last year a tribunal (NOT the European parlament, mind you, they were still trying to remain BFF) cancelled the accords with him because of his widespread human rights abuses in Western Sahara (which have been taking place for the last 40 years, for the record).


Anyway, who wants to bet that Erdogan will pull a page from Muhammed VI's manual and start dumping refugees in the Syrian border? Except Kurdish refugees, I guess. Heaven help you if you are kurdish
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Everyone sucks at everything. Until they don't. Not sucking is a product of time invested.
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