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[QED]

I embarked in a terrifying mountainous biome, next to a volcano. I wanted to build a most splendid evil tower, standing ominously above the haunted soot below.

Things were going well. I used the mineshafts below as splendid living quarters while the tower was being built. When suddenly:

• The Dragon Kovest Stettadoltar Ertalkeshan has come! A gigantic reptilian creature. It is magical and can breathe fire. These monsters can live for thousands of years.

I raise the drawbridge and instantly order the metalsmith to pump out steel cages to trap the beast at the entrance. The dragon smells yak blood, and goes straight for my fenced-in pasture. No problem, I think.

Suddenly, I notice I left a weapon trap packed with ☼large, serrated steel discs☼ at the entrance. Oh god. The dragon gets sliced badly and falls unconscious just after entering the pasture. I realize it will probably kill the dragon after it's pillaged here.

I cook up a plan. I send out a mechanic to destroy the weapon trap. Luckily, while the  dragon wakes and turns the pasture into ‼yak mangled corpse‼, the mechanic is able to dislodge the trap and get back safely. In the same instant, my cage traps have been installed. I rub my hands and wait for the dragon to visit my little entrance.

Suddenly, a flock of Keas enter the map.

Oh god.

They all fly straight for bins packed with ☼yak bone earrings☼ and other crap just beyond the entrance. Using up all my cage traps.^{it gets worse}

As Urist McDumbs go to collect the Kea cages Mr. Dragon arrives and turns them into +dwarven kebab+.With no more defenses, the dragon easily busts into the living quarters, breathing fire on everything and causing utter chaos.

I recruit everyone but it's too late. When Urist McWoodcutter delivers a lucky fatal blow with his copper battle axe, only 4 dwarves are alive. One of them is my metalsmith who has... anxiety issues. Suddenly...

• A Kea has stolen a ☼large, serrated steel disc☼!

I watch futilely as a goddamn parrot somehow flies off with a steel saw blade. It reaches the map edge.

• A masterwork of Stākud Lukadzokzul has been lost!

This proved too much for my poor metalsmith who flies into a tantrum rage and kills her three remaining peasant friends with ease. When she calms down, I can't believe what I have just witnessed.

These goddamn parrots are going down. I recruit my last dwarf as a Marksdwarf and order her to shoot down the remaining Keas outside. She goes to do so. She chases the Keas. What she doesn't know is that this is their plan. The parrots are plotting. Suddenly...

• A cloud of haunted soot has drifted by!

Right where Stākud is standing. She breathes it in. She contracts its deadly syndrome. Moments later, she is utterly dead. The fortress lies in ruin.

These goddamn parrots are the closest thing to Dwarf Illuminati in the game. Their incredible coordination and plotting ability can easily bring down any fortress. Do not underestimate these bastards.

[miauw62]

keas are literary hilter

[Niddhoger]

Armok-damned keas! We need to engineer a way into coating their wings with... MAGMA!

Push the bins farther back into the hall, and when the keas come swooping in... close the bridge/seal all other access points AND MAKE SOME FRIED CHICKEN!

Sadly, this won't stop further keas from coming.... the best I did was station some marksdorfs behind fortifications with a tame GCS near the entrance.  Set them to defend burrow and hope for the best.

[martinuzz]

You, dear QED, have had some proper !!fun!!

[greycat]

It is terrifying.

[Comito]

It was inevitable.

[Salmeuk]

Yessssss this is why I visit the forums - a properly dwarven tale of chaos and destruction, succintly written no less! Thanks for sharing.

A good lesson is to keep track of masterworks as best as possible, since their rather anticlimactic theft almost always catches a player offguard.

[GiglameshDespair]

What can I possibly say, fellow Urist McRedditors?

This is Reddit?
Huh. Never knew.

[QED]

What can I possibly say, fellow Urist McRedditors?

This is Reddit?
Huh. Never knew.

My bad. Copy-paste.

[Aslandus]

Armok-damned keas! We need to engineer a way into coating their wings with... MAGMA!

But then they'll set fire to everything you hold dear!

[Niddhoger]

Armok-damned keas! We need to engineer a way into coating their wings with... MAGMA!

But then they'll set fire to everything you hold dear!

NO PRICE IS TOO GREAT FOR OUR REVENGE! They will know fear.  They will know fear like they never even imagined possible, fear that suffuses every fiber of their being and consumes every drop of their souls.  We have the technology.  Dwarven !SCIENCE! knows no bounds! Look at what we do to our CHILDREN, now think of what we shall do to our most hated enemies! /cackles madly

[greycat]

Well, the obvious problem with using magma on keas is that the keas can fly.  Like, over the magma.

So, you need to lure them into a tunnel or something.  THEN the burning can begin.

[omega_dwarf]

Well, the obvious problem with using magma on keas is that the keas can fly.  Like, over the magma.

So, you need to lure them into a tunnel or something.  THEN the burning can begin.

Magma mist, yes? Less confinement required. Creatures generally fly pretty low, don't they?

[TheBiggerFish]

... PTW.

[PatrikLundell]

Flying pests fly at all altitudes (ever tried to get rid of motionless campers 12 Z levels above ground? Try a ballista on a platform in a staircase tower).

It's been mentioned in the past, but it's worth repeating that thieving critters can be lured into traps by baiting with shinies. And I don't mean animal traps, but rather constructions of e.g. one to four access corridors (roofed, of course) lined with traps or a drawbridge at the entrance to lock them in, and then some valuable items at the center. Unfortunately keas are too light weight to trigger a pressure plate, so a drawbridge would have to be lever controlled, implying constant player supervision. Cage traps is the easiest, but considered by many as too over powered.