(This is a long one. But I offer no apologies. I regret nothing!!)
(some liberties taken with the mechanics involved)
Earlier, I made a mistake in Dwarf Fortress. I assumed I was in charge. I wasn't.
Me: Hey there little dwarf guy. I've got some work for you to do. How do you feel about cleaning up blood and vomit?
Baron: Ho ho, you uppity oaf. I don't have to do anything. I'm a Noble. I get to tell you what to do.
Me: You what? I'm the one with the top down view and all the keybound functionality here, I'm the boss. You can't give me orders.
Baron: Oh?
--Baron Ton Tonsidosod Mandates construction of 2 aluminum weapon racks--
Me: Screw you! That stuff's as good as gold. If I waste aluminum on those I won't be able to sell them to the caravan. They're too damn heavy.
Baron: Don't test me, invisible-voice-of-lower-station-than-me. You won't like how it turns out.
Me: Oh yeah? We'll see about that.
--Time passes--
--Baron Ton Tonsidosod's Mandate has expired!--
Me: Now what, bitch?
Baron: I can't reach you directly, so I'm going to punish some dwarf that could have executed my Mandate. Looks like jail time for Erush Bershadmal.
Me: Oh shit! Not him! He's my only Legendary mason. His masterpiece statues are the only things keeping dwarves happy. They're holding this place back from a bloody spiral into madness!
Baron: Well I'm in charge here and I say he has failed in his duty and needs to be chained to the floor for a while. Rule of law must be maintained.
Me: Oh no! Anyone but Erush. He's been miserable lately. He hasn't gotten good sleep because he keeps passing out in the workshop and the noise wakes him up. He watched his lover get cut into three pieces by a goblin! He hasn't been dealing well with kitten butchering duty because I didn't notice he was fond of kittens before I assigned him to the butchery!
Baron: I will have order and I know better than you, because I am your better.
Captain of the Guard: Mr. Bershadmal, I'm going to need you to come with me.
Erush: I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I HATE EVERYONE!
--Erush Bershadmal cancels going quietly with the nice policeman and instead begins to throw a tantrum--
Captain of the Guard: Whoa there, fella. I think I'm just going to walk over here, a bit.
Erush: I'M MAD AS HELL AND NOW I'M GOING TO THROW THIS BUCKET!!
Me: No, Erush, no. You don't know what you're doing! That's the Legendary bucket Matul Iden!
Captain of the Guard: Ouch! That bucket bruised my brain and spine before it shattered into irrecoverable debris. I'm going to go rest in my spacious quarters. The Justice this calls for is beyond my authorization to carry out, now.
Hammerer: Did someone say Justice?
Me: Who the duce are you?
Hammerer: I' be ta Hammerer, boy; I make Justice 'appen. An' we can no be forgivin' the wonton destruction of legendary artifacts.
--Dodok Iklistlor, Hammerer, spits on his hands and hefts his massive, two-handed, masterpiece steel hammer--
Me: Where the fuck did you get that? I can't even make Steel.
Hammerer: I brought 'er with me.
Me: How the hell are you even using that? Dwarves can't use two-handed weapons!
Hammerer: I can. 'Ere we go. *hough-hup*
Erush: I WILL NOW TAKE MY PANTS OFF SO THAT I CAN THROW THEM WITH RIGHTEOUS FURY AND INDIGNA --<KLANGSPLAT>
Me: Holy shit! You killed him! Do you know how difficult it is to get masterpiece statuary?
Hammerer: Nah, that's none 'o my concern. I'm just 'appy to see Justice bein' served.
Baron: Ha-ha! You lose, Mr. disembodied force that makes this fortress run but foolishly has test my authority!
Mayor: Hey you!
Me: What now?
Mayor: I'm pretty pissed that you pulled me out of my squad. I'd rather be in the military. Now I'm going to push you around, too.
Me: You're what? If you were still in your squad you wouldn't be able to do your mayoral duties.
Mayor: Yeah, well I'm pissed about a bunch of other stuff, too. Like how you had me sleeping in the barracks and didn't provide me with a private office and dining room, too. Then there's the fact that you let my children get taken by goblins!
Me: Hold up! So I didn't notice you got elected for a sleep cycle or two. You've got the best office in the place now. The Baron's pissed at me because your office is better. And yeah, I let your kids get kidnapped. But they don't get any kind of work done and you shouldn't have let them outside to begin with. If it hadn't been the goblin snatcher they would have died to an overly hostile lungfish or something.
Mayor: Fuck you.
--Zaneg Eturaban, Mayor Mandates production of 5 crystal puzzle toys--
Me: The hell you do! I don't have sand on this map. I can't even make shitty glass, and crystal is right out.
Mayor: Oh, do you want to test Justice again?
Hammerer: Eh? What'sat?
Me: Hold on, hold on. I got something special for you. See this lever I built just for you? Come over here and pull it repeatedly for a while. No one else is allowed to pull this lever, just you. See here, Mr. Mayor, you're not a Noble. I can tell you what to do, too.
Mayor: That may be, but you'd still better meet my Mandate before it expires or you'll be sorry. I'm going to pull this lever back and forth until I'm tired of it.
Me: Sure, whatever. Just keep working that unattached lever and don't pay any mind to all these cages I'm installing in the room, or to the hefty obsidian floodgates I'm installing like an airlock in the hallway outside, or to the way the floodgates are wired to levers down the hall, or to the way all the cages are now wired to a single lever even further down the hall, or to what's in those cages.
Mayor: Wait, what is in these cages and why are the massive obsidian floodgates that serve as the only way out of this room suddenly closed?
Me: Good job, compliant little mechanic dwarf on the outside of that room of extraordinary potential. Now pull this other lever a little further down the hall.
Song Tuzaslot, Goblin: Even though those dwarves were able to craftily strip me naked while I was inside that cage -- leaving me without even my underwear which dwarves do not make and which they couldn't wear anyway because it's too narrow for their fat asses -- even though my mace was taken from me to be slagged for iron, I will still be able to rip your lazy ass to pieces because you didn't study your wrestling and I have seven of my friends here with me. Wait, there were seven of us a second ago, why are there only five now?
Smespu Astumuso, Terrible Hydra: I am the scariest thing in the room and I will kill all goblins and dwarves with my six terrible heads on six destructive necks with my six ferocious mouths, even though I will only yield one skull when killed. RAWR!
Goblin: Oh shi -- <SPLATIDDY>
Mayor: Help! I needed that lung! <KER>
-- Zaneg Eturaban, Mayor has been struck down! --
-- The Mayor's Mandate has been canceled. --
Hydra: RAWR!!! I kill everything in the room! I destroy the massive and otherwise intimidating obsidian floodgate! I walk straight into the obvious cage trap in the hallway behind the floodgate, just like I have done twice before!
-- Smespu Astumuso, Terrible Hydra has been stored in a nickel cage --
Hydra: aw, crap
Me: I'm going to need cleanup in the fun room. Calling all cleaners for fun room duty.
Author
Topic: Authority (Read 9897 times)