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[Gabeux]

Hey everyone, what's up?

I come here from time to time, but I usually do so in moments that I have so many things in my mind that I can't either read or write properly.
I'm usually very interested on what other people have to say. I find it pretty amazing how many different perspectives you can discover about an issue simply by asking different people. So I'd like to start with this:


I'm weird when connecting with people. I may admire or wonder about someone, but I migh prevent myself from meeting or engaging with them because I feel that this would create a commitment.
Then, I fear so much that I might fail keeping this commitment, that I worry this will make me not meet someone's expectations (or hopes) for our relationship [friendship].

For instance: you could invite me to run at the beach. Instead of simply thinking about the event, I'd think that I might go this time but might not go the next ones - so I would be disappointing you and making you feel it's your fault, or otherwise affecting our relationship negatively. If you were to invite me to run every week, it would be even worse.
Overthinking alright.

This extends to new people too. Sometimes someone likes something I commented on some page on Facebook, so they reply and add me and it makes me go crazy inside.
Especially when it's on things I have no knowledge about. For instance, I recently commented on a philosopher/writer post and a woman replied and added me. She seems to be a nice person who works with Fine art and has good knowledge on sophisticated issues I have no clue about (no f***ing clue about, would be the proper emphasis).
My thought process is: 'What can I contribute or provide to this person? What are they receiving in the long run? I usually post random, funny and geek stuff to friends and family, why is this person setting herself up for disappointment?'

For context, (and you probably already deduced), this probably might stem from other issues I have, like that I [probably] have mild-moderate depression (so self-esteem is not great), or that I had so much anxiety during childhood and adolescence that I became apathethic towards everything for a few years.
Only in the recent years I've been diving in self-knowledge to try to revert such patterns and beliefs.

Moving on, this ends up making me come off as distant or uninterested, or pass by opportunities to meet new people or get closer to friends, while inside I'm actually very interested in meeting or getting closer to someone.


I think it's weird (arguably pathologic), and I'd love to know if you feel in a similar way, or know someone who does, and how you/someone else deals with it.

PS: Typing this, I'm pretty sure such fears are rooted in both self-esteem issues, and the fact that I tend to 'change' a lot.
I might be all for nightclubs, parties and drinks for 2 weeks, then be all for solitude and meditation for 2 weeks.
So it's like I don't trust myself to keep a commitment or a consistency - and that I don't feel worthy or don't see the logic in connecting to people who I think will receive nothing in return.
PS2: I might have went extremely personal, but I have no idea how to express this otherwise.

[Jekktis]

but I migh prevent myself from meeting or engaging with them because I feel that this would create a commitment.

I think you are looking too far ahead into a relationship that hasn't even begun yet. Try engaging with people, and if it doesn't go anywhere, so what? Try to find things in common to talk about, but there are always going to be people in which you have nothing in common. I'm a very reserved person but some of my friends are the biggest extroverts. But we still have a lot in common, and their different perspective makes things interesting.

like that I [probably] have mild-moderate depression

Never diagnose yourself. Leave that to a psychiatrist. Putting yourself into a category in this circumstance is generally unhelpful anyway. I thought I had ADD when I was a teenager. Then I thought I had OCD. Turns out I have neither and I'm actually just a really finicky nerd with a short attention span . I don't know how old you are, but I think most people who consider themselves nerds have felt the way you do at some point in their life.

[Trapezohedron]

Does all of the above mean that you partially view yourself as a tool in the sense that your existence practically exists to augment another person's life, and without which you'd rather not be befriending them/meeting them instead?

If so, I think you've found someone who feels somewhat that way, having been inculcated with the values of absolute obedience to family and being polite to everyone else, at expense of my own 'selfish' impulses.

Let's just say I have a really hard time visualizing trying to help myself first and foremost if it doesn't help everyone else. And despite my anger, I can never express it fully to everyone - just bend on their whims and curse myself for being too kind to act as anything at all, even when, let's say, I'm a customer inquiring about the price of an item and I am being badmouthed.

I actually did try going against it - it required a lot of conscious effort and me discovering that I almost went teary eyed and very shakey. It wasn't a comfortable experience.

[Gabeux]

but I migh prevent myself from meeting or engaging with them because I feel that this would create a commitment.

I think you are looking too far ahead into a relationship that hasn't even begun yet. Try engaging with people, and if it doesn't go anywhere, so what? Try to find things in common to talk about, but there are always going to be people in which you have nothing in common. I'm a very reserved person but some of my friends are the biggest extroverts. But we still have a lot in common, and their different perspective makes things interesting.

Agreed. It's funny that I only noticed this recently. Back then, I'd meet people in college, school or at work, so this feeling wouldn't come up because there was always an underlying context to meeting someone that would simply slide me into a new friendship. In other words, I was too distracted to overthink.

like that I [probably] have mild-moderate depression

Never diagnose yourself. Leave that to a psychiatrist. Putting yourself into a category in this circumstance is generally unhelpful anyway. I thought I had ADD when I was a teenager. Then I thought I had OCD. Turns out I have neither and I'm actually just a really finicky nerd with a short attention span . I don't know how old you are, but I think most people who consider themselves nerds have felt the way you do at some point in their life.

Yeah, I've been avoiding to go to a psychologist to see what's up. But I guess people/life will eventually convince me to stop doing that. 

Does all of the above mean that you partially view yourself as a tool in the sense that your existence practically exists to augment another person's life, and without which you'd rather not be befriending them/meeting them instead?

If so, I think you've found someone who feels somewhat that way, having been inculcated with the values of absolute obedience to family and being polite to everyone else, at expense of my own 'selfish' impulses.

Partially, but in my case it seems to be by either feeling inferior to the person I admire, or 'predicting' too early that I might not have anything in common with someone, to the point of not being able to bring anything worthy to their life. So I guess it's more self-esteem related than obedience/politeness related.

Let's just say I have a really hard time visualizing trying to help myself first and foremost if it doesn't help everyone else. And despite my anger, I can never express it fully to everyone - just bend on their whims and curse myself for being too kind to act as anything at all, even when, let's say, I'm a customer inquiring about the price of an item and I am being badmouthed.

I actually did try going against it - it required a lot of conscious effort and me discovering that I almost went teary eyed and very shakey. It wasn't a comfortable experience.

Again I relate partially - I can be too nice to people sometimes, but my family has a traditinal short temper for bullshit and unreasonable people.
So I'm usually a very peaceful guy who wants his surrounding to be as harmonic as possible, but if someone is being stupid I lose my sh** really fast (not with friends, though).


Thanks for the quick replies.