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Author Topic: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!  (Read 4065 times)

Wysthric

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"Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« on: September 24, 2015, 06:56:07 pm »

Hey guys. I know I haven't posted here for a loooong time but I've been struggling with some things over the past two months and I needed to get them off my chest, and possibly get some advice.

I've just began (since two months back) the job, or at least profession, I will probably be in for the rest of my life. Four years of uni and one year of apprenticeship are complete and now I've been released into the big wide world.

The question is what to do with myself. My previous obvious motivation throughout life was keeping a network of friends (because of self - esteem issues I am desperate to be liked even though the original issue has basically gone away) , however as one of my best friends has moved to the other side of the globe and another one is all about "moving on" and "growing up" he's basically trying to distance himself from me in a polite way. I still have one good friend who lives nearby but he's unemployed and in broadly the same state I am.

My current only real hobby is going to the gym, which I do 2 - 3 times a week. I'm not a muscle man by any stretch of the imagination but I'm pretty strong for my build. Aside from that I use youtube and play games but they're distractions, not enjoyments.

There's a TON more background to this, but I wanted to know your guys thoughts if you have any.

Many thanks dudes. :)
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LordBucket

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #1 on: September 24, 2015, 07:11:10 pm »

*shrug*

Not a lot of information to work with here. But if you want standard midlife crisis solutions, either go have sex with girls much younger than you, spend a lot of money, or take up a hobby that's any two of (exciting, dangerous, unconventional.)

If you want specific suggestions off the top of my head that won't get you arrested, won't bankrupt you and won't get you killed, how about:

 * Start flying airplanes. It's cheaper than you might think. There are probably flying schools at your local airport. Last I did this, it was like $95/lesson, flight time/instructor/everything included.
 * Buy a sailboat. Again, this is cheaper than you might expect. Lots of people buy boats for warm summer months and then sell them once it gets cold and miserable. I once bought a Columbia 26 foot sailboat for $2600 simply because the timing was right. If you do this, be sure to either put yourself in the waiting list for slip rental or find cheap mooring. Specific prices and availability will vary a lot by location. A slip might cost more than the boat. If you get something big, you might be able to live on it, and end up saving money as a result. Slip rental is probably less than rent/mortgage payments. A sailboat makes a fantastic bachelor's pad whether or not you ever take it out, and if it ends up saving you $600/month that you're not spending on an apartment, it can potentially allow an awesome bachelor lifestyle. This does, of course, assume that you even live within 100 miles of water.
 * SCUBA/skiing/hang gliding/skydiving/etc. There are a whole bunch of "not as expensive as you might think" hobbies that look good on paper, are fun, and generally get lots of attention and make you look like the "cool" one in any given social circle.

Care to give us more information to work with?
 
« Last Edit: September 24, 2015, 07:19:24 pm by LordBucket »
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Wysthric

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #2 on: September 24, 2015, 07:27:04 pm »

Thanks LordBucket for the reply. I'm afraid the first three options are off the table for the moment as I consider them slightly too edgy.

About the others :-
*I think I'd be shit at flying planes - I appreciate the sentiment though.
*A boat purchase would be possible, but I'm not sure what I'd do with it.
*Hang gliding sounds alright, as does skiing. I may look into these after I sort my shit out. Alternatively I was considering martial arts, but I think that would show me up for the p/l~oser I am and make me depressed at my lack of combat ability.

More info -

I live in the UK, in a fairly shitty place. (un?)Luckily my job is the same no matter where I am pretty much.
Currently domiciled at home with parents, but hoping to move out soon (next monthish) to live with other young professionals
My apprenticeship year was totally awesome - I loved the job, and got on really well with all the staff, including my bosses. Unfortunately I liked the other apprentice there a bit too much which has caused me some heartache.
I think I'm rather shaken by my friendship circle breaking down roughly the same time as my 'perfect year' ended.
My current job is a a locum, although I regularly work in one place I've been a student in for many years. It's a lovely place, with lovely people, but there's just something missing.
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Graknorke

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #3 on: September 24, 2015, 07:39:44 pm »

A boat purchase would be possible, but I'm not sure what I'd do with it.
You sail them, usually. :y
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Wysthric

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #4 on: September 24, 2015, 07:42:15 pm »

A boat purchase would be possible, but I'm not sure what I'd do with it.
You sail them, usually. :y
I'm not sure I'd find plain sailing (lolol) interesting. Spear fishing, maybe, but I'm not sure how successful that's likely to be.
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Akura

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #5 on: September 24, 2015, 07:54:48 pm »

go have sex with girls much younger than you

If he's having a midlife crisis at 23, that might not be a very good idea.


As for sailing, it's probably a lot more interesting than you think. There's more to it than sitting around waiting for the wind to push you forward.
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LordBucket

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2015, 08:13:35 pm »


A boat purchase would be possible, but I'm not sure what I'd do with it.

It depends. A lot of people don't "do" anything with their boat. It's just a hangout. Set out a BBQ, hook up a tv, buy steak and beer and invite friends over to hang out on the boat. This is very low maintenance. Alternately, you can pick up actual legitimate boating hobbies, like sailing, SCUBA diving, seadoo, etc.

At least in the US, people tend to associate owning a boat with having lots of money. So when you say "Hey, guys! who wants to go hand out on my boat this weekend?" you tend to get a positive response. Not quite up there with "So, who wants to come with me in my plane and spend the weekend on my private island?" But nevertheless, while to a much lesser degree, it's a similar reaction.

And, petty human behavior aside, there are actually genuinely fun things to do on a boat. You're in the UK. What do you think the reaction would be if you said, "Hey guys! Who wants to sail to Ireland this weekend? I know a great pub in Dublin. We leave Friday night, and I'll have you back Sunday afternoon." Depending on where you live, that might be a thing you could do.

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I live in the UK,

I live in southern California. It's possible that the social and financial implications of boat ownership might be entirely different where you are. If it's 40 degrees 4.5 degrees celsius out, going sailing might not seem quite as stylish as it does here. Due diligence is advised.

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I was considering martial arts

I did martial arts for a lot of years. It's a fun hobby. How social it is depends entirely on the studio. I don't think I'd advise it as an anti-midlife crisis solution. If you do decide you want to do it, I can offer lots of useful advice. Here's the 30 second version:

1) Decide why you want to study martial arts. "I want a social activity" "I want to be able to defend myself" "I want to be able to do flashy super-awesome stuff" "I just want to keep healthy" etc. are all entirely legitimate reasons to study martial arts. But which of those is your motivation strongly affects what sort of school you should join. Know why you're there before you decide where to go.

2) School is at least as important as style. Any time the question of where to go comes up, you'll generally be flooded with suggestions from people saying, "Oh, take X!" Usually from people who've never studied anything other than X, and have no basis of comparison. They did one thing, and they assume it's best. Ignore those people.

3) Be willing to check lots of schools. Even knowing nothing about martial arts, simply by going and watching several classes you might pick up useful impressions from various schools. Consider doing a trial lesson at each of several schools. Also, super important: watch an advanced class. Instructors will generally favor showing prospective students the beginner class, because it's the class they'd actually be joining. That's ok. By all means watch it. But before you join a school, be sure you watch an advanced class, because the people in that class are what you'll look like if you study at that school for a number of years. That's important information.

As above, dynamics in your country might be different. I've never been there. Due diligence is advised.

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Currently domiciled at home with parents, but hoping to move out soon (next monthish) to live with other young professionals

If it's an option, and if it benefits you, you might consider staying with your parents just a little bit longer to save up money to give you an advantage. I have no idea what realistic numbers in your country are, but if you're making £2000/month and typical rent is £1000/month, and your parents are just happy to have you and don't ask for rent, every month you stay with them is an extra £1000 in your pocket. A couple months, and that could buy you the boat. Or, to give a real life example, I had a friend who stayed with his parents for about 3 years after university, all his school buddies made fun of him for it, and then he moved out of his parent's house and into a half million dollar house while all the people who'd been making fun of him were still in apartments with nothing to show for it.

That might or might not apply to your situation, but it's a thing to consider. If a mere several months more with your parents means not having to make car payments because you bought your car free and clear, or if it means you're building up equity because you own a house instead of living in an apartment, or if it means you save £500/month because you live on your boat  that you had to pay £5000 up front for...or even if it just means having more money to party with, it might be worth considering.

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there's just something missing.

Ok. What's missing? Sex? Adventure? Friends? Prestige?

What is it you want?
« Last Edit: September 24, 2015, 08:34:44 pm by LordBucket »
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ChairmanPoo

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #7 on: September 25, 2015, 01:31:11 am »

go have sex with girls much younger than you

If he's having a midlife crisis at 23, that might not be a very good idea.


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LordBucket

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #8 on: September 25, 2015, 03:50:59 am »

Some of you clearly didn't understand the reference in the thread title.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Midlife_crisis

He's in the UK, anyway. I suspect they probably they don't have the freakish paranoid preoccupation with pedo-hunting that americans do. In the context of midlife crisis "much younger girls" would be like a guy in his 40s sleeping with girls around 18-25 or so. You know, as in literally "much younger." Not what some of you are trying really hard to read into this.

The line you're misinterpreting was:

if you want standard midlife crisis solutions, either go have sex with girls much younger than you, spend a lot of money, or take up a hobby that's any two of (exciting, dangerous, unconventional.)

I described the general case before going into the OP's specific situation. It was a completely reasonable statement.

Bouchart

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #9 on: September 25, 2015, 08:06:28 am »

Read the Book of Ecclesiastes.
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ChairmanPoo

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #10 on: September 25, 2015, 08:16:40 am »

Read the Book of Ecclesiastes.
" I looked on all the works that my hands had wrought, and on the labour that I had laboured to do: and, behold, all was vanity and vexation of spirit, and there was no profit under the sun."


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i2amroy

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #11 on: September 25, 2015, 12:16:59 pm »

It is worth noting that while a "life crisis" often does happen at that point in people's lives, the reasons are not the same as the ones that cause a "midlife crisis", and thus will not have the same "cure". Midlife crises are generally caused by the question "was is all worth it?" combined with the idea that people are actually starting to realize their own mortality, which is why cures like going out and doing crazy things actually work, they give you the sense that yes, all the work up to this has been worthwhile and you can still do things even with death starting to look at you.

That is not what you are experiencing here, judging by your post, instead you are experiencing the common crisis that occurs at your age, which is based on the question of "what do I do with myself?" combined with (usually) an even more increase in the freedom of your choices. For this the "cure" is generally not doing crazy things and spending money (as it is for the midlife crisis), but is instead just getting involved with things and searching for direction. Make some friends, volunteer at places, do things that you would consider to be "worthwhile". In your case what you are looking for is a "value ethic", something that you can use to judge whether or not something is worth your time, and once you find a good one a lot of pieces are going to start to fall into place. This differs from the midlife crisis, where the problem is that the value ethic that they work out in the crisis you are going through is being questioned and needs to be validated.

So go do things! They don't need to be "taking" such as buying boats, flying airplanes, or similar, and often instead at this point people's value ethic actually ends up revolving around "giving", meeting with friends, volunteering, working on that extra project, and so forth. Look for criteria to determine what you think is worthwhile to do in this life, and then go start doing things and meeting new people! Together with simple time, determining your own "value ethic" is going to help a lot (or at least according to psychology :P).
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Wysthric

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #12 on: September 25, 2015, 04:12:07 pm »

Thanks everyone for your replies, especially i2amroy and LordBucket.

I'm feeling a LOT better today. Work wasn't as stressful and I had a good gym session. I'm also popping into a sometimes - workplace to deliver a cake tomorrow that I am about to bake tonight. The thing is, I am very vulnerable to hard knocks - not in that I get "sad" easily, but more I fall into a nihilistic pit when stuff goes wrong. But I'm doing good at the moment. :)

I'm quite surprised that we are apparently in agreement that a boat is a good idea. Even I'm starting to think so!

About saving by staying - the rent I pay at home is roughly equivalent / slightly more than what I'd have to pay in this place I'm looking at (shared house.) Thusly, moving out is probably a no - brainer. It would mean a longer journey to many places of employment, but that's negligible compared to the fun I'd have, I think.

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Ok. What's missing? Sex? Adventure? Friends? Prestige?

At the moment I could do with more of all of these, technically speaking!

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What is it you want?

This is the primary issue, really. I suppose the thing I value most are my friends, which has rocked the boat when two of them have basically left. I know I'll make new friends in time but I would really rather keep the good - quality ones I have now.
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sneakey pete

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #13 on: September 26, 2015, 02:53:02 am »

Been there, filled it with racecar*, and people involved in community around said car.
Didn't help with the sex bit though.


*note, when I say racecar I mean sportscar, that's just an in joke. And I don't mean I went out and bought a porsche and just drove it (eg mid life crisis mode), I went for something second hand and cheaper, and instead focus my effort on modifying it. (basically amateur mechanic).
I'd say this generally fits in with the above advise about generally branching out to try to fill your life with things, something which you wouldn't have been able to do until this point.
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Urist McScoopbeard

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Re: "Midlife Crisis" - at 23!
« Reply #14 on: September 26, 2015, 11:29:33 am »

Sounds like you have shit friends mate. Meet people in your profession, become friends with them, continue. Also, you're 23, like... give yourself some time man. Also, you need to get involved in hobbies. If your friends move away or "distance" themselves (which also means they're assholes, by the way) make some new ones.

Don't buy a boat, and don't buy a ton of shit to make you feel better. That's a drain on your time and finances, go spend them better by joining local clubs, traveling, pursuing hobbies, and meeting new people. Socialize!!!!
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